Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend ripped off for 35K by guy on Match.com- I need to talk her round HELP!

179 replies

Friendinneed13 · 08/07/2013 23:44

Hi All,

Am regular (ish) poster but name changed on this occasion!

A single friend who I met through work is a regular on match.com, she is in her mid forties, attractive, smart and has a great job with an excellent salary.

She met a guy on match.com approx 4-5 months ago, they had been speaking for around two weeks when they decided to meet up- on that night that had sex and spent the whole weekend together which she refers to as 'special'....

The following week at work she told me all about her weekend and that continued to tell me that he had financial problems with his business and she had invested/ lent him £10,000- she said he didn?t want to take it and she had to convince him to!!

I was so angry with her and told her so- which she didn?t like- I told her he was ripping her off etc. etc. and she promised not to give him any more money.

But??.In the last few months she has given him a further £25,000, his business folded and now he is going from one disaster to another, loan sharks, bailiffs, can?t pay rent; no food etc. which I think is all bullshit by the way.

He has told her so many lies, many of which he admits to when found out- for example he said he was getting a loan to pay her back but when she showed me the email- I did some digging and found that it was a fake email address etc. - when she confronted him he admitted it, but said he only did it because loan sharks where after him and he needed her to lend him more money etc.

She also seems in denial that he has a gambling problem- soon after meeting they went to Monte Carlo for the weekend and he spent most of the time in the casino alone gambling and losing large sums of money ? yet she continues to help him although they are not in a relationship and never really were.

I need help to convince her of what I KNOW is the truth a) He is a conman who constantly lies to her to procure money b) He is a gambler and that?s where her money is going. Every month she says that she will not give him any more money, but this month alone he has already had £1500 from her, her savings has been totally wiped out by this wanker and when payday comes around he piles on the pressure to ?borrow? more money, always promising to pay it back from some deal or property sale etc?

The problem is that although I think she is now coming around to the idea that he has ripped her off, she feels that he has some good in him and if she doesn?t help him stay afloat she will see none of her money back- she borrowed £1500 from me last month to pay her mortgage as she had given all her money to him- which she did pay me back, but her financial situation is dire at the moment because of him.
My friend likes to think she is a canny business woman, and a good judge of character then why can?t she see this guy for what he is a liar and a thief? I don?t want to lose her friendship and I care for her very much, but I?ve spent nearly two hours on the phone with her tonight as she has lent him the £1500 and now he is not answering her calls/text- which is something he has done before- she doesn?t even know where he is living now.

How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!

OP posts:
bugsaway · 09/07/2013 18:37

what on earth is driving this woman to do this?

she is going to lose everything has she not realised this?

as a friend make her see sense

Wowserz129 · 09/07/2013 22:08

For those of you saying of course it's a crime, it's a lot more complicated than that. She is not being conned because she is aware of what she is doing and OP makes it sound like she knows that she most likely is not getting her money back but she continues to give it. If every money grabber in a relationship was committed of fraud the police stations would be packed.

yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 22:18

She was conned at the beginning though Wowserz?
Are you police or a lawyer?

With conning, you first win their confidence, which is what he did.
It may not now be conning, as she knows what he is up to??

That is part of the reason ehy I hope the op is going to see the police.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 09/07/2013 22:57

Are you saying that you're gong to lend her money for her mortgage OP? If so then please don't.

She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. It might shock her awake.

skyeskyeskye · 09/07/2013 23:15

Even if she could get him to call it a loan, if he goes bankrupt it would be written off anyway.

She has been foolish, nobody held a gun to her head to make her hand it over.

She will probably never see that money again.

Original poster
Friendinneed13 · 09/07/2013 23:19

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your repiles, he has conned her and continues to do so, and that is what I find so hard to grasp.

She continues to give him money in the vain attempt to get her orginal amount back plus all the rest, why can't she see this could go on forever?

She has texted me to say that she has called him tonight and he has told her to f off, this is not unusual for him though, he says some awful things to her but she puts this down to him being stressed about money.

She would never forgive me if I went to the police and I don't want to lose her friendship as I feel he would have a greater hold over her if I wasn't a voice of reason in this situation.

I have lent her money which she has paid me back, but I think she will ask to lend some later this month again, to cover her mortgage.

She has been bad with money in the past, lots of credit cards, loans etc and is now in a debt management plan, and all the while is giving her hard earned money to him.

I'm afraid that he will again be tapping her for money soon, I just can't listen to it anymore, she tells me all the conversations they have, I ask her to promise me she won't give him any more money, she swears and then does it anyway :(

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 09/07/2013 23:32

There's nothing you can do. Sadly, you can't fix stupid, just don't join the chain.

skyeskyeskye · 09/07/2013 23:42

How on earth did she have that much savings if she is in a debt management plan? She should have paid her debts off !

I am really sorry but from your OP, he told her his business was going under and she willingly handed over money! And continues to do so. The Police will tell her to stop handing over money! There is nothing they can do while she continues to hand it over.

Try and get her to see sense and don't give her any money!

WafflyVersatile · 09/07/2013 23:50

She won't know it's you who has phoned the police. He is possibly already known to them.

I think it's worth the risk of losing a friendship. She might lose her home.

BMW6 · 10/07/2013 07:06

There's nothing you can do. Sadly, you can't fix stupid, just don't join the chain.

This. There is nothing you can do, she is throwing good money after bad and she will never get it back even if he is arrested and imprisoned, it will all be gone.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 10/07/2013 07:17

Don't lend her money.

You think you are helping her but you are NOT!

you are helping her to carry on being ripped off by this man by being someone she can go to for the essentials so she can carry on giving him cash.

You have to let her sink. It is the only way now. If she has nothing, he will disappear.

And be there for her to help her back up.

Please, please, please don't lend her any more money. You think you are saving her but you're not.

Deep down, she knows. She knows she's being taken for a ride but it's too painful for her to admit it even to herself. If she stops giving him money, he will disappear and she will have to face it.

You are helping her to put off that day. Please stop.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2013 07:26

If she's not prepared to listen and you're not prepared to report the man to the police then you have to ditch the friend. Currently you're getting drawn into the whole miserable business because you seem to feel responsible for her when you're emphatically not. You fear losing her friendship when she doesn't actually sound like much of a friend. I'm sorry, but if you carry on listening to this descent into hell and do nothing concrete to stop it, it'll be you that suffers.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2013 07:39

"She is not being conned because she is aware of what she is doing"

She is being targeted by a predatory con-man. There have been many other cases in on-line dating, for example, where men pretending to be US servicemen have successfully scammed gullible, lonely women into sending them money for 'plane tickets'.

Here's a Telegraph Blog entitled [http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/technology/willardfoxton2/100009028/the-marriage-of-online-dating-and-online-fraud/ The Marriage Of Online Dating and Online Fraud]]. First case he mentions is a wealthy woman asked to send an 'engineer' she met online several thousand to help his 'ship that had run aground'. It's the exact same thing. Fake profiles and sob-stories purely designed to extort cash. He estimates that 2.5% of the people on online dating are victims fraud. He also says most don't report it because they're too embarrassed. Match.com have already been involved in a lawsuit about fake profiles.

Should it come to court 'she gave me the money voluntarily' is no defence if the reason the money was given is proved to be false.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2013 07:40

link to the Telegraph Blog

yamsareyammy · 10/07/2013 08:20

You need to be a friend to her and see the police
You need to be a friend to her and stop giving her money

If you dont , several things may happen to your friendship

  1. afterwards, when she "wakes up", she will blame you that you didnt act on her behalf, because you could see what was happening.
  2. she will blame you for enabling her. She will says things like "what were you thinking, giving me money, to give to him, when you knew he was conning me.

For me, the question is becoming, what are you getting out of this. Why are you essentially letting her financially drown.
Wake up yourself.

I know this sounds harsh, but for goodness sake, do something.

yamsareyammy · 10/07/2013 08:23

"I feel he would have a greater hold of her if I wasnt the voice of reason in this situation"

What do you mean by that.
Because all of us on here think you are enabling her, you are helping him too.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 10/07/2013 08:34

So, she has a complete history of being financially inept and irresponsible, even before this chap came along? Seems abundantly clear won't matter what you say and do.

Sometimes, being a friend is NOT about being there but saving someone from themselves, even if it buggers up the friendship. Sorry, but if going to the police stops her from bankrupting herself and potentially losing her home the way she is going and also gets this guy publicised and possibly imprisoned so he can't do it to other people, you should damn well do it. Even if she never speaks to you again. Because lending her money is the WORST thing a friend could do in this situation. Standing by and doing nothing because you may lose her friendship is the SECOND WORST thing a friend could do, because you are putting your wants ahead of her obvious needs.

yamsareyammy · 10/07/2013 08:40

yes, I sort of missed that Jessica.
I suppose in the cold light of day, she may in the end still think it was worth it, for now?
That she was "happy" , and managed to buy some "good times" for however many months.

There must be thousands like her, who are willing to try and "buy" love and happiness.

But she is soooo going to pay in older age, when all her money is gone to. All of it. So that she is too old to work much, and hasnt got a bean to her name.

You could ask her that question I suppose, but like someone said upthread, she is sort of currently in a sort of trance.

PatriciaHolm · 10/07/2013 09:18

hang on - how on earth has she found £35k to give him if she's on a debt management plan? Has she been borrowing herself?

Call the police, don't lend her any more. Whatever is happening here, you need external help.

TweedWasSoLastYear · 10/07/2013 09:50

IS there any way you could find out this guys full name?
If you can match this to any company names he has had it may be posssible to do a search through companies house . You pay £2 or so for a copy of the annual returns. If they show bankruptcy or substantial losses then you might be able to convince your friend to cut contact , and accept that the money is gone.

She will never see a penny of that cash again.

Be careful OP that your loans are not being diverted to him, and I know no-one on any sort of debt repayment scheme who is able to find £35K .
Why would you put £35K in the bank earning 2% before tax, when you have a mortgage costing you 4% after tax. That is madness. Utter madness.
Keep 3 mths take home pay to hand ie current account , then overpay mtg asap
and trips to Monte CArlo, im sorry but did this guy have a pair of binoculars round his neck? he saw your friend coming from a mile away

EldritchCleavage · 10/07/2013 12:30

Detach from her urgently, I would say. In her own way she's doing to you a milder version of what the man is doing to her. Her financial crisis is (i) self-inflicted; and (ii) her problem. Don't let her make it yours.

jay55 · 10/07/2013 17:10

Are you certain it is her being conned and not you?
Could she be spinning the story to get money from you?

Really if she's on a DMP she's not allowed to take on more credit and she has to inform creditors of change in circumstance, which she must have had if she had 35k to give away.

ShoutyCrackers · 10/07/2013 17:10

I'm confused.

She has 35k knocking about and can get her hands on it easily to give to him, as well as afford to give him £1500 of her monthly income, yet you say she has a debt management plan.

Something doesn't quite add up here...

ShoutyCrackers · 10/07/2013 17:10

I'm struggling to believe parts of it

ShoutyCrackers · 10/07/2013 17:13

And con artists don't usually employ the tactic of telling their 'victims' to fuck off regularly. That makes no sense either

Swipe left for the next trending thread