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Relationships

Friend ripped off for 35K by guy on Match.com- I need to talk her round HELP!

179 replies

Friendinneed13 · 08/07/2013 23:44

Hi All,

Am regular (ish) poster but name changed on this occasion!

A single friend who I met through work is a regular on match.com, she is in her mid forties, attractive, smart and has a great job with an excellent salary.

She met a guy on match.com approx 4-5 months ago, they had been speaking for around two weeks when they decided to meet up- on that night that had sex and spent the whole weekend together which she refers to as 'special'....

The following week at work she told me all about her weekend and that continued to tell me that he had financial problems with his business and she had invested/ lent him £10,000- she said he didn?t want to take it and she had to convince him to!!

I was so angry with her and told her so- which she didn?t like- I told her he was ripping her off etc. etc. and she promised not to give him any more money.

But??.In the last few months she has given him a further £25,000, his business folded and now he is going from one disaster to another, loan sharks, bailiffs, can?t pay rent; no food etc. which I think is all bullshit by the way.

He has told her so many lies, many of which he admits to when found out- for example he said he was getting a loan to pay her back but when she showed me the email- I did some digging and found that it was a fake email address etc. - when she confronted him he admitted it, but said he only did it because loan sharks where after him and he needed her to lend him more money etc.

She also seems in denial that he has a gambling problem- soon after meeting they went to Monte Carlo for the weekend and he spent most of the time in the casino alone gambling and losing large sums of money ? yet she continues to help him although they are not in a relationship and never really were.

I need help to convince her of what I KNOW is the truth a) He is a conman who constantly lies to her to procure money b) He is a gambler and that?s where her money is going. Every month she says that she will not give him any more money, but this month alone he has already had £1500 from her, her savings has been totally wiped out by this wanker and when payday comes around he piles on the pressure to ?borrow? more money, always promising to pay it back from some deal or property sale etc?

The problem is that although I think she is now coming around to the idea that he has ripped her off, she feels that he has some good in him and if she doesn?t help him stay afloat she will see none of her money back- she borrowed £1500 from me last month to pay her mortgage as she had given all her money to him- which she did pay me back, but her financial situation is dire at the moment because of him.
My friend likes to think she is a canny business woman, and a good judge of character then why can?t she see this guy for what he is a liar and a thief? I don?t want to lose her friendship and I care for her very much, but I?ve spent nearly two hours on the phone with her tonight as she has lent him the £1500 and now he is not answering her calls/text- which is something he has done before- she doesn?t even know where he is living now.

How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!

OP posts:
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TobyLerone · 09/07/2013 04:46

She is not as smart as you think she is.

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garlicsmutty · 09/07/2013 04:47

That's useful trout, I didn't know about it! Thanks!

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garlicsmutty · 09/07/2013 04:54
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differentnameforthis · 09/07/2013 06:48

Well, don't give her any more money for a start. Perhaps if she has no one to bail her out, she will wake up to his lies & realise he has been stealing from her.

Until she is in difficulty (not able to pay mortgage) she doesn't see how this is affecting her. It needs to start start affecting her, which I know goes against everything you probably feel as a friend (i.e that she struggles with bills if you are able to help) but she needs a harsh lesson, imo.

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TimeofChange · 09/07/2013 07:30

She may consider remortgaging or taking out a loan in her name to get more money for him.

Do NOT lend her any more money.

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hermioneweasley · 09/07/2013 07:39

Tell her that you are concerned about her, and however this ends you will always be her friend, but that you will not be lending her any more money, so if she lends to him it is without your safety net to bridge her mortgage payments.

Awful and very frustrating situation.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 07:57

If you're aware that a crime is taking place, you should have the courage to report it. This is large-scale fraud.

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JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/07/2013 08:26

There is, sadly, none so blind as those that choose not to see. In these cases, very often they don't see it as the rest of us do and don't until they have - a bit like alcoholics - hit rock bottom when the bloke has cleared off, doesn't answer the phone and your bank account is dry.

And generally they won't listen whatever you try and tell them. I agree with the others, if you can get any of his details, pass them onto the fraud unit.

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Wowserz129 · 09/07/2013 08:55

I don't see a crime here. She is willingly giving him money in sound mind so he's doing nothing illegal. I have worked in relevant areas and I know we are reluctant to get involved in relationship finances because there is rarely a way of proving who gave what and when. I would suggest she see a solicitor to see if she can get her money back legally in a proper manner. I certainly wouldn't be bailing her out with money. Anyone who gives someone that much money that quickly is their own worst enemy and I think maybe your friend needs to hit rock bottom with money to wake up. There is nothing much you can do, as long as she is mentally well she is an adult making these decisions to her own disadvantage.

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TNETENNBA · 09/07/2013 09:19

I may have been watching to many films but if I were her I would consider getting a private detective on to him. Perhaps get him to come over by luring him with more cash and get footage of him admitting the loans etc.

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catsmother · 09/07/2013 11:07

I don't know about the legal side of this - whether or not a crime has been committed - but there'd be no harm at all in speaking to the non emergency police for advice. Am sure, sadly, they'll have heard this type of thing before.

I can kind of see that your friend is hanging onto him blindly in the hope she'll get her money back but come on, even she must know that given his past behaviour (who the hell asks someone they've only just met for any sort of loan, let alone one as large as that ?) that this is almost certainly not going to happen - and that's the case whether he sticks around, or whether he does a disappearing act, i.e. she'll be no worse off. TBH, I think what's important now is damage limitation - if the police got involved, and if he ran, that "at least" she'd not be pressured/emotionally blackmailed into "lending" him any more money and her home wouldn't be compromised.

I know you're in an incredibly tough position OP and I know you fear her turning on you and/or ending the friendship. I'm kind of thinking though that if I was in your position I'd have to weigh up what course of action was the lesser of two evils - to do nothing, let this situation run and run with potentially disastrous results for your friend - or at least try to stop it, e.g. by seeking police and/or legal advice, even if that did mean your friend "hated" you forever more. FWIW, I suspect that when she's away from this bastard and starts to face up to reality she would eventually come round and understand that you acted with her best interests in mind, but even if she didn't, even if she never spoke to you again, I think that'd be a price worth paying personally in order to protect her from further ruin.

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skyeskyeskye · 09/07/2013 14:01

She has met this man, she has willingly given him money. No crime has been committed. If there is a loan agreement and he doesn't repay, then she can take him to court. I bet there is no agreement, so it is just his word against hers as to whether it was a gift or not.

This is not a dating scam by an unknown crime gang, she has met the man and given him her money.

When I first my my XH, I took his credit card debt into a 0% card in my name to help him out. He could have done a runner and I would have been left with the debt in my name and no way of getting the money back from him. It didn't happen, but it could have.

I am sorry, but your friend is a mug, who has willingly handed this money over to him. I seriously doubt that the Police would be interested, or indeed able to do anything about it.

I feel sorry for her, but she only has herself to blame.

Please do not lend her any more money yourself

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EldritchCleavage · 09/07/2013 14:13

Please tell her you will not lend her any money, so she has to make sure she keeps enough of her own money to pay the mortgage.

Ultimately, she has to realise what is going on for herself, but if she speaks to you about it I would tell her that she has to accept all the money she has lent so far is lost and cannot be got back, and that she should stop throwing good money after bad.

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ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 16:42

Of course it's a crime to con someone out of their money! There's a whole police department set up to deal with this sort of crime.

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Friendinneed13 · 09/07/2013 16:53

Agreed she gave him this money willingly and what upsets me even more is that she keeps giving it to him even when he lets her down time and time again with regard to paying it back.

She knows he has told her lies, she know he has let her down time and time again, but still she gives me more and more money.

Intinally, I think she really liked him, but now I think she is fooling herself into thinking that if she gives him more money to keep him going, that she will be more likely to get the bulk of it back.

She feels like she is in control in some way, but I know she isnt..... he has full control of this situation......

OP posts:
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ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 17:01

God, it almost sounds like he's hypnotising her or something. She really badly needs help.

OP, I asked earlier whether she has anything of his that would have his fingerprints or DNA on. It would be really easy to find out whether he has a record for this.

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nkf · 09/07/2013 17:12

Is it a crime? You have to refuse to give her money.

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ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 17:15

It is, because he's presenting himself as ready to pay back, when he clearly isn't.

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NickL · 09/07/2013 17:41

The police no longer investigate fraud. Instead they set-up Actionfraud. It's a website where they take your details and then do nothing.

If anyone is considering turning to crime I would recommend low-level faud as a very safe option with little risk of the police doing anything.

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ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 17:46

Action Fraud must do something!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 17:55

Of course it's a crime. Deception The man is getting money under false pretence by claiming to be hard up, have failing businesses, gambling debts, mobsters on his tail... all sounds like a pack of lies. He's promising to return the money which is clearly false. Does the case of Robert Hendy-Freegard ring bells with anyone?

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garlicsmutty · 09/07/2013 18:01

What Cog said - again! [echo]

It wouldn't be fraud if all his stories are true and she's received a share in a failed business for her initial 'investment'. But that's not the case.

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garlicsmutty · 09/07/2013 18:02

Come on, OP, give us a link to his profile and let the MN snoopers loose!

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yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 18:25

I would speak to your local police yourself, and see what they advise. I wouldnt tell your friend that you are going to the police in the first instance.

I think I would also google and print out some examples of where other people have been conned like your friend. And show them to her. Not sure if it would work. She may well say, but that isnt me, it is different to me, or whatever. But worth a shot I would have thought.

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yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 18:29

The root of all of this is her loneliness.
It may be a bit late now, but would she listen if you said that she may well find someone else?

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