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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Back for more wise words

88 replies

mummytasha11 · 08/07/2013 20:49

Hi everyone

Have posted on here quite a lot recently and found all the advice great...hopefully this will be the last time..

So my ex fiancé has said he has now realised (4 months) later the mistake he has made and asked if its too late to sort things. Last week he said he loved me and always will but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but now he's saying all this.

Background is he left me in march our wedding was booked for aug. he also left me 2 years ago when i was pregnant with our ds

He did find out yesterday that I have been speaking to someone else ( nice guy I met out a few weeks ago)

I have said that I cnt see a future for us as a couple because I don't trust him and can't see me ever feeling the same

Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:
Doha · 08/07/2013 20:52

Yes without a doubt.

I you go back he will do it again but you know that don't you

KnittedWaffle · 08/07/2013 20:55

You are definitely doing the right thing.

You can't live your life wondering if he's going to do a runner every time something serious (baby, marriage) happens in your life. They are the times you need stability and support the most.

Xales · 08/07/2013 20:55

He has left you twice. You cannot trust him not to do it again and again.

It is not fair on your DC for him to be in and out and you are right not to trust him.

Was there someone else the green grass has died a bit with?

Or just that you are only attractive to him when you are interested in someone else and they are interested in you?

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 08/07/2013 20:55

Yeah I do know that it's not if he will its when. He makes me feel so guilty though.
I just don't want to be in a relationships where I'm constantly worrying about where he is, who he's
Talking to, etc!

I just don't want to regret saying there's no way

OP posts:
LookingForwardToMarch · 08/07/2013 21:00

You are doing the right thing.

He is just having a flash of 'oh I dont want her right now, but i dont want someone else to have her if i change my mind'

He would just leave again once he knew he 'had' you again.

You and your dc require much better!

LunaticFringe · 08/07/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 08/07/2013 21:04

Unless he has had some kind of miraculous personality transplant, you KNOW how it's going to end.

Come on, wake up OP. Do you honestly think there's no connection whatsoever between him discovering that you are talking to another guy and his sudden "realisation"?

He sees that you are moving on and he doesn't like it so he's going to reel you back in again for more of the same. More fool you if you let him walk all over you AGAIN.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 08/07/2013 21:26

I need to be strong and just say it don't I?

OP posts:
Mixxy · 08/07/2013 21:27

I was left 3 weeks before my wedding. I married another lovely man a few years later and have an adorable DS.
Funnily enough, there's a better man out there for you too.

I never looked back. Not even to spit on him.

You have the baby with him, so enjoy him squirming while some nive bloke sweeps you off your feet.

TimeofChange · 08/07/2013 21:28

OP: Please, please, please do NOT give him another chance.

You deserve much better treatment.

Wake up, woman.

tribpot · 08/07/2013 21:31

He makes me feel so guilty though.

So he's left you (twice), once in the run-up to a wedding and once when you were pregnant. And you feel guilty? The guy sure knows how to push your buttons - leaves you at moments of high emotional dependence, tries to reel you back in as soon as there's a hint someone else might be on the scene.

You would have to be crazy to resume a relationship with someone this flaky/manipulative just because you were worried you might regret it later. You have ample reason to consider that this guy is not a good bet. You can't ever know what the other option would have brought you but of the two options in front of you, one seems staggeringly more likely to let you be happy than the other.

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 21:36

Interesting timing, huh ?

He found out you had been talking to another man, and suddenly he can't live without you

What bollocks. Look at his past behaviour and ask yourself if he is any good for you.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 08/07/2013 21:44

I know it's logical but a part of me is clinging on and I don't know why

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 08/07/2013 21:48

Sounds like neither of you really want to be together. He is messing you about and you are flirting with another man. Call it quits.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 15:32

He's been asking me what I'm thinking, saying he will do anything....arghh pulling my hair out over this

Is it bad that I don't want to and just want to draw a line under it and move on..feel like I should give it another
Go if only for my ds

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 09/07/2013 15:39

Is it bad that I don't want to and just want to draw a line under it and move on

No, it is not bad. That is your last shred of self-esteem talking. Listen to it.

Mixxy · 09/07/2013 15:39

The same DS he walked out on? No, don't do i t for your son. Tell him he blew BOTH of his chances for yourself. I know its tempting to try to tie a nice little bow around your former fiance and the father of your child and play happy families, bit this guy hasn't changed.

It is bad that you dont want to to draw a line and move on. Sorry, but it is. And you know that yourself. There's even been another guy interested in you, proving that there are other fish in the sea and that they are interested in you.

Lemonylemon · 09/07/2013 15:42

"He makes me feel so guilty though." About what? Not going back to him? He's a knob....

tribpot · 09/07/2013 15:56

He will do anything .. but he can't change the past, can he? He has demonstrated a willingness to walk away from you when it suits him; even last week he was saying he didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Stop letting him into your head to mess you up - you know what your instinct is telling you. Your ds does not need to grow up seeing his dad repeatedly leaving and coming back.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 16:39

I just feel like one day I might regret not giving him another chance but how many chances should one person get?

He is the only person I have ever been with and I thought we would be together forever but he ruined that.

Nothing would ever be the same and I can't ever imagine marrying him or having any more dc...just no future for us

OP posts:
PoundlandClareRayner · 09/07/2013 17:00

You are completely contradicting yourself in every post, love

You know he isn't worth it

Let it go

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 17:06

He's a twat and will always let you down. You have the chance of a new life without him - grab it with both hands. How dare he let you down and then complain when you find someone else?

tribpot · 09/07/2013 17:50

You might regret it. Or you might end up regretting having wasted more years of your life on someone who clearly isn't interested in making you feel happy or secure. Meanwhile, you might be missing out on meeting someone better, or having a joyful, secure life on your own with your ds.

Why am I sensing that he used these exact words to you, 'you will regret not giving us another chance'?

Life is a series of calculated risks. If you think the risk of letting him back in is worth it, that's your choice - but you dont' even want to, you're just being made to feel guilty for not wanting to.

yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 17:55

Has he been seeing anyone else meanwhile?

Jux · 09/07/2013 18:26

You're far more likely to regret giving it yet another go.

Put him behind you. Your child may have a relationship with him, but you don't have to.

Don't you think it might not be coincidental that you've been speaking to another guy, and ex has suddenly decided he loves you yada yada yada?