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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Back for more wise words

88 replies

mummytasha11 · 08/07/2013 20:49

Hi everyone

Have posted on here quite a lot recently and found all the advice great...hopefully this will be the last time..

So my ex fiancé has said he has now realised (4 months) later the mistake he has made and asked if its too late to sort things. Last week he said he loved me and always will but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but now he's saying all this.

Background is he left me in march our wedding was booked for aug. he also left me 2 years ago when i was pregnant with our ds

He did find out yesterday that I have been speaking to someone else ( nice guy I met out a few weeks ago)

I have said that I cnt see a future for us as a couple because I don't trust him and can't see me ever feeling the same

Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 10/07/2013 09:18

I have rl support and all of them say the same thing but something still tells me I'm doing the wrong thing.
Keep looking at my ds and crying we could have had a great life

OP posts:

tribpot · 10/07/2013 09:23

There is every reason to suppose you and your ds are going to have a better life without this guy around 24*7. It's not surprising you feel daunted by having made a significant decision but you only have to re-read your comments on this thread to see that your brain is telling you to protect yourself and your ds from further hurt.

BIWI · 10/07/2013 09:27

You could have had a great life, if your exP was a trustworthy man with integrity and respect for you.

In fact he cheated on you and abandoned you and your child.

What kind of great life would you have with a man like that?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/07/2013 09:32

You could have had a great life, if he was a totally different person: the man that you wanted him to be.

But he's not.

He's the man that he is, and you wanting it to be different cannot change reality.

tallwivglasses · 10/07/2013 09:34

He. Will. Not. Change.

If you go back to him I'd put money on you being back here in a few months time because he's fucked off again. You'll be back to square 1 only worse because it will have screwed up your son.

He's talking out of his arse. Don't listen to the crap.

Officershitty · 10/07/2013 09:35

You're mourning for your ideal of the future, not for what really will happen if you did go back to him- more of the same. Try and be brave and don't take the coward's way out of going back for more shit. With a brave face, look to the future.

FruminousBandersnatch · 10/07/2013 10:00

You could have had a great life if he hadn't cheated on you, if he hadn't walked out on you when you were pregnant and if he hadn't done a runner before your wedding.

All that to me says you should find someone to whom there are no 'ifs' attached.

You should be with a man who feels honoured to be with you and is man enough to look down the barrel of any challenge with you. Not some spineless git who does a runner when faced with a perfectly normal life event.

This guy is a deadbeat and he will NEVER change. NEVER EVER. Believe me - seen it, done it, got the t shirt.

Please move on, OP.

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 10/07/2013 13:58

He's been sending me pictures of the good times we had and saying he feels empty inside

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/07/2013 14:03

why are you even opening the messages he sends, still?

BIWI · 10/07/2013 14:04

Bet he isn't sending you photos or recollections of the bad times though, is he? Oh wait - he didn't have any bad times. But you did - and they were his fault

Don't open the messages.

Doha · 10/07/2013 14:06

you have been warned but you don't seem to be listening.
He will not change, he only wants you away from from the OM and as soon as he has got you back he will smirk to hmiself, give himself a massive pat on the back and then dump you again. He really does not want you he just doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Just delete his texts before opening them

LisaMed · 10/07/2013 14:23

He is saying very clearly - here is a picture of a happy time now shut the fuck up and let me shag other women. And don't you DARE be happy without me.

You shut up long enough to take this picture so swallow and smile and do what I want. Be miserable and available and make me feel needed.

that's my opinion, anyway. Give yourself a holiday from replying to him about anything except your child. There is no law that says you have to reply to him. There is certainly no law to say you have to reply immediately. You can try running things past here or your friends in rl. How concerned is he with the welfare of your son during this? I hope this point of view helps.

Officershitty · 10/07/2013 16:11

Classic actions of a manipulative git. He wants to manipulate you, he doesn't care about your feelings. it's about power and pride with him. Classic dysfunctional behaviour, I'm afraid. Refer back to my previous post AND all the very good advice that has been given to you by other posters. Don't be fooled, get a bit hard- hearted FGS.

wispa31 · 10/07/2013 17:08

do.not.go.back. EVER!! someone once said something to me which i think you need to hear - look back, but dont stare.
no good will come of going back to him. he is only sniffing around as another man has shown an interest in you, give this man a chance, even if just for a coffee or lunch or something, doesnt have to mean declaring undying love for him but just for you to see that it is possible to enjoy life without this pathetic loser.

Jan45 · 10/07/2013 17:09

When you said he left when you were pregnant I immediately thought into the arms of another woman, which you have now confirmed, then he left just before you were due to get married, there's enough signs there now to tell you this isn't going to work.

And, now, that he knows you're in conversation with another man, he's all over you, what does that tell you?

Have your fun with the new guy, in fact have fun with whatever guy takes your fancy, go enjoy your life and don't let this deadbeat drag you down any more, he's not for you, if he was, you wouldn't be in this situation.

By all means give him one last chance if you must, but I'm sure if you do you will realise pretty quickly that it's the end.

AnyFucker · 10/07/2013 17:11

I suspect we are all wasting our time here

Officershitty · 10/07/2013 17:16

AnyFucker, sadly I have the feeling you might be right. But I hope not.

Xales · 10/07/2013 18:31

Those pictures he is sending you. When are they of? Had he left the first time? Or the second?

The pictures may be of fantastically great times.

They can never replace the heartache and shit that your child has gone through the last 4 months.

They will never make it worth having this man back for when he does it again. You know full well he will do it again.

Because if you take him back you are showing him no matter how shit he treats you and your child you will have him back so he can do what he likes.

Who cares how your child copes with it?

Xales · 10/07/2013 18:36

How did you when he left you?

How did you feel phoning up and cancelling the wedding venue?

How did you feel cancelling where you were having your service?

How did you feel cancelling the dress? The cake? The flowers? The rings?

How did you feel telling all your friends and family?

Did you take off an engagement ring? How did that feel?

Did your child cry for him since he left? How do you think your child feels?

You are just starting to pull yourself together and move on.

Don't be a fool and take him back.

tribpot · 10/07/2013 18:52

He's been sending me pictures of the good times we had and saying he feels empty inside

Yes. He's manipulating you. Newsflash: it's what he does.

yamsareyammy · 10/07/2013 19:19

He is very emotionally clever isnt he?

Anniegetyourgun · 10/07/2013 19:34

And why, pray, are his feelings of emptiness your responsibility?

What did you do to make him feel empty? You gave birth to his baby, you forgave him for shagging around and running off, you booked a wedding, you looked forward to a life with the father of your child. And what did he do? He fecked off again. I bet you felt empty inside 'n' all, but did he take responsibility for that? No - he's just telling you now how he feels.

I totally agree with everyone who's said it's actually to do with another man sniffing around "his" property, er, fiancée, er, ex-fiancée... basically that if he ever should feel like strolling back into your life you might not be available to be strolled back to. This has caused him a temporary panic, but you can be pretty sure that once everything is back to what previously passed for normal he'll be ready to bolt again.

Ever heard the saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"? He's heading for a third go. The only shame you should feel is letting yourself be taken for a mug yet again.

Now play old, cheesy anthem, swiftly followed by , and any others you like that basically say "sod you for leaving me", dance around with DS and revel in a lucky escape.

Zyn · 10/07/2013 21:52

listen to Annie. I agree, what is he like telling you about his feelings of emptiness after he left you twice

Jux · 10/07/2013 23:02

Annie is soooo right. You owe this pathetic excuse for a man nothing.

What will happen?

You take him back: you spend the whole time walking eggshells because you will never know whether he's just going to dump you again today. And your ds getting older and noticing when his dad suddenly disappears from e family home and that mummy is sad and upset.

And you know beyond all doubt that he will dump you again.

Youd don't take him: you get stronger and stronger without him. You go out on some dates, some of which will be better than oers. You meet a genuinely nice man who loves you and ds and you live a happy life, and so does your ds - who is completely OK with his dad not being around as it's always been like that. He grows up feeling loved and safe, and well adjusted.

Block his number on your phone, or simply change your sim and do not give him the number of the new one. Use the current sim for calls from him but only put it in the phone once a month when you have a friend with you so you can be strong when you see his texts etc.

Tell your ex that he can only contact you via email and only about contact with ds.

Original poster

mummytasha11 · 11/07/2013 19:34

I have asked him to give me some space and we will talk at the weekend and I will give him my final answer....can't see it going well

OP posts:

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