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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Back for more wise words

88 replies

mummytasha11 · 08/07/2013 20:49

Hi everyone

Have posted on here quite a lot recently and found all the advice great...hopefully this will be the last time..

So my ex fiancé has said he has now realised (4 months) later the mistake he has made and asked if its too late to sort things. Last week he said he loved me and always will but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but now he's saying all this.

Background is he left me in march our wedding was booked for aug. he also left me 2 years ago when i was pregnant with our ds

He did find out yesterday that I have been speaking to someone else ( nice guy I met out a few weeks ago)

I have said that I cnt see a future for us as a couple because I don't trust him and can't see me ever feeling the same

Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:

Report

mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 20:18

He has talked to a few girls I think..not sure to be honest.

I definitely need to tell him don't I?

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 20:36

Why did he leave you when you were pregnant?

mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 20:38

He panicked and now hve found out it was guilty conscious because he slept with someone else when we were together and pregnant...I have only found this out in the last few months. We got back together before our little boy was born.

OP posts:

tribpot · 09/07/2013 20:39

He really is a charmer, isn't he?

You are happy without him. End of.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 09/07/2013 20:47

I am sorry. You are doing the right thing.

Do you have to speak to him at all? It sounds like it makes you waiver. Could a family member or a rude friend do the telling to go away if you are too weak right now?

Also, would you consider time for you to reflect with a counsellor maybe why you feel guilty and think such behaviour is acceptable?

Walkacrossthesand · 09/07/2013 20:48

Yes, mummytasha, you definitely need to tell him.

mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 21:00

I don't know what to say though to make it clear

You blown it. I can't do it anymore

OP posts:

tribpot · 09/07/2013 21:23

You don't have to explain yourself. He left you - you're not in a relationship with him. And you certainly don't have to resume it just because he wants to. You just say (repeatedly) "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in a relationship with you. In future I would like our discussions to be around contact with ds". And then you leave.

If he doesn't seem to be getting it it's probably because he knows he can wear you down. So avoid that situation being possible, by avoiding him.

Mixxy · 09/07/2013 21:24

Yup. Just that. No need to elaborate. He knows why you're rejecting him. And don't debate it with him. You don't owe him an explanation.

Tell us about the new guy showing interest in you. Is he a good bloke?

PoundlandClareRayner · 09/07/2013 21:30

You don't have to convince him he is no good for you

It's enough that you know

You will never make him see the error of his ways. You could throw the rest of your life away on trying to make him understand and it would be wasted.

mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 21:32

He seems nice. We met a couple of weeks ago the bumped into each other again and exchanged numbers..if nothing else it has been nice to take my mind of my ex and has made me realise that there Are other men out there....

I know I'm definitely not in the right place for anything serious but a bit of fun can't do any harm surely?

I don't know if this is blighting my decision to get back with my ex though in a bad way..

OP posts:

Mixxy · 09/07/2013 21:42

Your decision to reject the ex should stand alone: abandoned you while pregnant then left you before the wedding. Thats it.

Maybe meet this new guy for a coffee or lunch. A flirty bit of fun would be good for you.

Badvoc · 09/07/2013 21:47

He sounds a real catch.
Not.
Don't look back would be my advice.

tribpot · 09/07/2013 21:52

Did he say that to you? Your head's been turned and now you're not thinking about putting the family first and other such bollocks?

Let's face it. If you really wanted to get back with your ex, the most harmless bit of flirtation imaginable with someone else would hardly be swaying your decision.

yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 21:56

He broke your relationship. You say you know that logically, which is good. It is just taking a little while longer for your emotions to know that too.

mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 22:16

I have told him I don't see a future for us and I can't ever trust him

He is now saying he will go to counselling, will talk more about his feelings, that I am his one true love and he will always feel like this.

OP posts:

yamsareyammy · 09/07/2013 22:24

Sounds like he has swallowed a book, or been on MN.

Personally I dont trust him.

In my book, trust has to be earned. In his case, I think it would take 6 months of near perfect behaviour for me to trust him.
Can a leopard change it's spots - not very often imo.

What do you think?

mummytasha11 · 09/07/2013 22:26

I think he's saying all the right things but actions speak louder than words

OP posts:

Doha · 09/07/2013 22:30

Remember NO is a complete sentence !!

IAmNotAMindReader · 09/07/2013 22:50

Reduce contact to just details concerning your DS, contact arrangements etc. and via email or text if you can. If he persists in bugging you is there anyone else you can get to do handovers for a while?

He is only doing this because he can tell you are healing and moving on.

He wants you to remain on that hook.

You are there only to give him an ego boost. Regardless of what he says, this is what he actually means.

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 22:55

My x loaded a lot of guilt on me when I left him. I had left and gone back to him as well btw (big mistake). But I realised that just because he was not 100% bad; that didn't mean I owed him another chance. He'd made me think that because he had some good in him that I owed it to him. Of course I owed him nothing. My life was not a sacrifice to his convenience. I wish I'd realised it sooner.

tribpot · 09/07/2013 23:46

he will go to counselling, will talk more about his feelings

Still all about him, isn't it? What about you? The problem is not that he won't talk about his feelings, it's that he craps on yours on a regular basis.

This has been going on for less than a week. He's tried 'saying the right things' for a few days to see what happens.

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mummytasha11 · 10/07/2013 07:50

I've told him there's no way back and that we both need closure
and woken up this morning wondering if I've done the right thing...

OP posts:

Officershitty · 10/07/2013 08:36

I have just read this thread and think that this man is emotionally damaging you. Your relationship to him is not healthy. It is normal to wonder whether you have done the right thing, of course, but you have.
You have done yourself a favour by breaking away. Do not go back to him. Get some RL support and sort out contact for your DS but be businesslike. If he starts that crap about 'I'll change' etc bollocks do NOT engage with it. Do not respond.
You do not need some flaky bloke in your life pissing you around.
Give this new guy a chance and do not entertain the flaky bollocks your ex is throwing you. Go out with 10 other blokes if you need to see there are more fish in the sea.

pictish · 10/07/2013 08:45

For the love of GOD do NOT even consider entering into further relations with this flakey, selfish, immature man!

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