Diary of a commitment phobe

[fairyfly]

I have not seen my boyfriend for 2 weeks.
He just picked me up.
I sat in his house and asked what was going on.
He said, why don't you just get the hint. You are a needy hassling nag. When i dont see you for two weeks it is because i dont want to be with you. Get out of my house. I began to cry, he said see........ you just fuck me off, go away.

don't give him the satisfaction of a response

Oh, I dunno Fairyfly, only you know where you've been, where you are and where you might get to.

I'm not a fan of all this 'he makes you feel bad so dump him' stuff - sometimes our partners make us feel bad, we make them feel bad - sometimes they get annoyed and shout, sometimes we do - there really isn't so much political pressure on men to dump their partnerts the minute they begin to behave unreasonabley (which ususally has a cause IN the relationships itself). Abuse is abuse, but from what you normally post FF, your BF isn't an abuser, her's a saviour that you may have began to resent because he reminds you of who you used to be not who you are hoping to become....You can listen to the rhetoric or listen to your boyfriend.

That might be all bollocks, fairy muff (aka fair enough)

I see what you are saying MT, and I don't know all the background. And I don't want to advise FF to end a relationship that doesn't need ending just because I did recently.
But what kind of person stands someone up on xmas day?
To me, that would be the proverbial straw.
But like I said, i don't know all the background etc

Yeah but what kind of a boyfriend - or friend, for that matter? - tells someone: 'You are a needy hassling nag. When i dont see you for two weeks it is because i dont want to be with you. Get out of my house. I began to cry, he said see........ you just fuck me off, go away. '

And then the next day texts her that he loves her?

Sorry but that is whacked.

I went on and off w/a guy like for over two years.

He was the love of my life.

But in the end, we nearly destroyed each other.

I'm not saying oh just get rid.

But man, I HATE seeing people go thru that kind of mind game shite.

He used to do crap like that all the time. He specialised in standing me up.

It hurt. Badly.

Agree. Life is just too short. Sometimes you've got to be strong and leave someone even though you love them.
I miss my ex, physically and intellectually he was everything I wanted in a man. But he was a manipulative, argumentative and fundamentally damaged person.
I think you know when someone is not right for you, and I knew, and had to end it.
Hope you're feeling okay FF.

SO been there, blue! YES! That's what my ex was to me. I had to make a break. Was the hardest, but one of the best, things I've done in my life.

FF, we're here for you no matter what.

It's so difficult weighing up the odds. DP has in the past said just that kind of thing to me Expat - but it was exactly what I needed. I was a needy hassling hag, especially at certain times of the month, every month, day in year out - I'm surprised he kept it in for so long!

He was also a bit of a Vulcan emotionally, not always but he took the 'adult' role - but that was a necessary corrective to my scatterbrainedness - now much diminished as is his control freakery.

What I mean is we ironed out our problems by listening to each other not anyone else. Everyone else would have said forget it but we worked at it - and well, it's good. Not perfect, sometimes we don't like each other, annoy each other, but we're a team. It took a lot of time and effort.

I've got to say DP was always committed and never pretended to be anything else. Never played the games your describing Sobernow.

FF's pissed and shagging isn't she?

Oh FF that really sucks.

I know how bad it feels. Not so much the mind messing, but i went out with someone who i consider a very good friend. When we split (he dumped me), i was bereft because i had lost a friend as well as a lover.

I did do the shagging thing a little bit straight after it ended, it made me feel like i had some control back in my life (which i had felt was taken away by being dumped).

I dont know whether getting back with this man is a good thing or not. It certainly doesnt seem so from my perspective but i dont know your full story.

What i would say, is that you will feel stronger for resisting temptation with him. You can do this by texting him back and saying "You know what, I love you too. Which is why i think it best we call it quits". Im not saying you shouldnt get back with him.

But IME calling their bluff on the "Thats it we're finished/its not worth us being together anymore...." type of lines takes the power away from them that they seem to relish weilding. Either it will shock him into stop playing that game, or it will be the end of things. Whichever way, it will work out for the best IYKWIM.

I really do wish you some personal happiness soon. Please dont think this man is the only way you can achieve that.

xxx

Thanks for all your posts.

I know what im going to do, i'm going to stay out of his way. I am up now with the things he said going round in my head. He was cruel, he bellitled me, he was a bully. I think he just as much as me needs to sort his head out. He constantly pushes me away and takes risks about loosing me. I was definite and knew i wanted him, i have my faults but i certainly didn't use my love for him as a reward system.

If he's still in love with me well he will get a wake up call when he sees i'm not interested, he takes too many gambles.

I'm going to just get on with my liufe for a bit, i'm scared i wont hear from him, im scared he wont miss me but if thats the case it's not love is it, i dont want second best anymore.

I need to stay angry and remember what he has done and not be walked over so much.

I miss his wonderful side but thats not around and he needs to work out why i bring out the worst in him.

I'm not going to take it all as my fault anymore, i'm just human and i'm sick to death of men thinkings it's ok to rip me to peices.

It was humiliating the other day, bring slagged off while i sat in tears, there was no need for it.

But saying all that, i would take him back, i'm not going to lie to everyone. I want him to work out what he has done though for a few months and realise he's loosing me. If he doesn't care then fair enough. I think he takes it all for granted, If he can find some maturity over the next few months and realise he needs to commit and can make promisesm well i would be over the moon.

In the mean time im going to hang onto some self esteem, not that i have much left, and stop thinking dso negatively of myself.........

and go on a date.

Good for you girl

He needs to grow up and stop hanging round with a bunch of adults who still think they are at High School. And lay off the puff and all. Sorry but he's a grown man, repeating tales he's heard in the playground about you is rubbish and that isn't the way adult, committed responsible people behave. There I've said it.

FF, I know that when he's good he's really good for you and the boys but like you say, until he makes his mind up about what kind of man he is going to be then you need to give him a wide berth and get to the stage where you a just laughing at the slagging off he gave you. But that worries me tbh because if he's done it once he could do it again and you don't deserve it.

Enjoy the summer, stay away from the negative childish gossiping crowd and be yourself, a great mum and a talented indivdual.

OK?

Monkeytrousers made some interesting comments earlier.

One lesson I learnt from watching my friends make bad relationship mistakes was this one:-

You cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. Neither approach works.

FF personally speaking only the last thing you need is to go on a date. You need to work on your own self image and worth first; if its shot to pieces you may attract someone who is looking to drag you down even further with him.

and it is not something that will happen in a few days ff..this recognition of his..he needs to realsie you really are getting on with your life...and maybe you will find someone you deserve.

I would not go back for less than a rock this time

at least you would have something to pawn next time he pissed off!!!

i think you are doing the right thing FF. MT, it is one thing dumping someone if they behave unreasonably from time to time, I think it is another to be in a relationship where one person is constantly calling it off/calling it on and demoralizing the other person. In my case it was mixed with violence too, but even without that, the constant to-ing and fro-ing was exhausting and had i had enough self confidence i would have left - when i finally did, it was one of the best decisions i ever made.

FF, when you feel weak or sad, go back to the post you wrote this morning and read it again. You are fabulous and you totally deserve to be treated as such. No more second best!

Love is about respect. And yes, that extends to friendships, too. I wouldn't dream of standing up a friend OR a lover - unless extreme circumstances, much less again and again. A call or a text doesn't take much. I value my friends' time and they value mine.

Like sobernow and ruty, I had an on/off thing, as I stated before. He played games, too.

I was pretty naive. I thought it was b/c he just needed to come around, he was confused, little boy lost, etc.

Then I met another man, and he actually joked about the mind games he played w/women in the past and even took bets w/his mates on whether he could manipulate the victim back into bed .

I was shocked. It was a big wake up call.

As for shagging around, it depends. In my case, it did help. It cheered me up some. But I'm also a pretty confident person and didn't feel 'used' b/c I was using those flings right back.

Wishing you peace, FF.

I agree Ruty. He sound like he has his own problems. I'm sure you will be able to be friends again sometime in the future FF. Don't know if that helps at all, but it might maybe help to think he isn't going to be gone from your life completely - or your boys.

Trouble is with reckless rebound shags is that (and I'm going to be brave here) when your drunk and a bit mad (which you are after you've just split up with someone) you're more likely to be less stringent about safety, condoms etc, and believe me, picking something up at this time doesn't do you ANY good!

Oh, the joys of (relative) anonymity!