Diary of a commitment phobe

[fairyfly]

I have not seen my boyfriend for 2 weeks.
He just picked me up.
I sat in his house and asked what was going on.
He said, why don't you just get the hint. You are a needy hassling nag. When i dont see you for two weeks it is because i dont want to be with you. Get out of my house. I began to cry, he said see........ you just fuck me off, go away.

Oh darling. I so so feel for you. I have been through similar, and it's appalling.

And of course you get lonely. Being lonely is not fun. I've done stupid, stupid things to avoid being lonely. But please, do believe me, it isn't forever. Not with someone young, gorgeous and energetic and funny and clever which is what you are, Fairyfly. You're such a catch.

Take care. Email me if you would like.
xxxxxxxx

i look back on the period i was alone between the toxic relationship and my now dh and though it was hard and lonely, there is no way i could have met my dh if I hadn't been through it. It made me stronger as a person [ok sounds a bit off pat and naff but true] and made me more self sufficient. I'm not saying you are not these things already, but staying around him will only make you spiral down. My ex spat in my face too, though thankfully I didn't have children with him. It shouldn't take away your self esteem. It should take away his.

((HUGS)), FF! MI's right, it gets better. You still have the odd lonely day, but then you get toe point where you realise it's better than 'relationships' w/utter twats.

fairyfly

((((((((((((((((((fairyfly)))))))))))))))))))))

We all can feel lonely at some point fairyfly even if we're with a husband or partner. Living alone can have its good points; its not all bad. Perhaps being on your own for a while will help you figure out who you really are and what you want from a man and on wider level your life.

What ambitions do you have, you must have some!!.

Trite or as obvious as this may sound to you (and I would accept the following is obvious) you need to change your situation gradually and expand on your own circle of friends. Do something you have never done before - an evening class, volunteering for an organisation. What do you like doing?. Romance may not necessarily come from this but you will meet new people whom you otherwise would not have met.

"I am gutted about us splitting up and that is quite simply because i have known him for fourteen years and my dreams have been smashed, again".

As for this comment you are probably also angry with yourself as you invested a lot of time in him and he repays both your kindness and love with this behaviour.

"Yes, i have no self esteem, i lost that whn the father of my children spat in my face.
I was cautious though, i didn't jump into bed with the first man after he left.
I was desperate for anyone.
I went for my best mate as i trusted him. That just hurts".

You can get your self esteem and worth back; counselling would help you in this regard. Please seek help for your own self; my fear for you is that if you do not you will carry on acting out destructive relationship patterns and thus will continue to get hurt. Not all men behave like these two have, they honestly do not. You need to like and love yourself first before you can love another. Women with low self esteem and self worth can attract men with the same sort of problems. It goes without saying that you need to avoid such men and to take steps to unlearn destructive relationship patterns. This is where the counselling comes in.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What did they teach you? (btw you do not have to answer that but you may want to think about the lessons they gave you).

With best wishes

Attila x

I'm honestly honestly not in a distructivbe pattern, i never ever wanted to be with a bad man again, the father of my children nearly killed me, I was ill when he left.
I was single for 18 months and then realised i was in love with my friend.
Thats about it.
I have no intention of seeking out men for company and to be walked all over because i feel lonely.
I just really really thought my time had come to be happy, i had been through a hell of a lot of shit.
I thought i had found my safe place.
I will get over him, i know that, i also know today i'm feeling sorry for myself because i am a single mum who has just been shgat on again.
As for meeting people and hobbies, i am busy already. i built up my life years ago when i was first on my own.
I have a degree to finish and two little boys to kiss.

Two liitle boys to also tell that he wont be coming around anymore, joy, i can break my childrens f"cking hearts again.

FF, you have done marvellously - I mean it. You've built everything up and then taken everything forward. And you're doing something creative and employable at the same time.

I do remember thinking "WTF, I took a hammering four years ago, and you're not meant to take another" very clearly still. Took a while to get over it. But I did. And I'm a total emotional love-hungry wimp.

FF, it will never be as bad as the last time. You got through the worst. He has been a shit for a long time now, you know that.

I wish you well, You are busy and active and have a bloody impoortant degree to shine at.

So am i allowed to be a mess for today and get angry and cry and feel sorry for myself?

I feel like puking up actually, i have a big void.

Just for today? Try a year. Several.

Wallow in it! Really let yourself go after the kids are in bed. Bore your friends w/it.

Rant away on MN about it.

I'll go one better, my last catastrophic relationship was 5 years ago and hte scars are still there. They'll be there. Forever.

But life moved on and so I had to, too.

Don't beat yourself up b/c this happened. It happens to us all.

And look, you could be doing it in public like Britney Spears, the poor lass.

Bollocks im doing that horrible anxious lost pacing up and dowm malarkey whilst feeling sick and crying. It's great.

if you are miserable does that mean we will have some very funny drunken treads?

Yes, how about this one, i was so pissed off last night i shagged a scottish bloke, good hey.

scottish? god you must have been pissed

Yerh scottish, i do things with style.

now remember tht shagging drunken scottish men does nothing for your self esteem..if he was greek(apparently the best lovers in teh world) then you woudl be ok!

I 34 year old greek fella is chatting up my 67 year old mum on Match dot com. Maybe I should get his details!

yes got to have italian/greek for the real whammy!!

Er Greek men are said to be one of the most chauvanistic races in the entire world!!.

Oh FF!!:(.

That pacing up & down state is the pits.
Have you been with him long?

what's wrong w/shagging scots blokes?

i'm married to one!

i did go a wee bit crazy in an irish bar one night, however, in my single days. turned into a lovely month-long sort of thing.

was nice.

after one brutal argument w/my ex-bf - over an umbrella, of all things - i was on my way back to my flat in tears when i collided w/a bloke called Lucas. Mmmmm.

He shared these words of wisdom - and much, more more :o - w/me: the best way to get over a man is to get under another. :o

I dont care where they are from as long as it pisses

nobend off.

I have been with his 18 months, thasts all.

yes, i have been there, ff.

lucas's flat was conveniently located w/a bedroom window overlooking ex-git's living room.

he saw lucas driving me home from a lovely diner breakfast the following . . . erm, afternoon.

was only kiddling expat