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Original poster

Diary of a commitment phobe

132 replies

fairyfly · 03/06/2006 19:55

I have not seen my boyfriend for 2 weeks.
He just picked me up.
I sat in his house and asked what was going on.
He said, why don't you just get the hint. You are a needy hassling nag. When i dont see you for two weeks it is because i dont want to be with you. Get out of my house. I began to cry, he said see........ you just fuck me off, go away.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/06/2006 16:25

Just read this and wanted to say hang in there. Am three months down the line from splitting up with a man who was fundamentally commitment-phobic and there is life afterwards, I promise. I really dreaded splitting up with him and feeling lonely, but honestly it's not that bad, quite enjoying single life really. It hurt like hell for a couple of weeks but I now go for hours ( if not days) without thinking about him.
If I were you I would cut off all contact ( I tried to do the friends thing but it didn't work), keep busy and try not to over-analyse yourself.
He had the problems, not you!

Original poster
fairyfly · 05/06/2006 16:29

Thanks bluejelly, i think the over ananalysing is what is the worst bit, im starting to hate myself.

Glad it is better for you after three months, i cant imagine not thinking about him, hope it happens soon as its the only thing on my mind today.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/06/2006 16:34

God I so know what you mean. He used to pop into my head on average every 2-3 mins, then it stretched out to 10 mins, then half an hour... it really does get better.

Don't think he really hates you, I think commitment phobes get confused between love and hate cos it terrifies them so much.
Whatever you do don't hate yourself... it's not your fault, it's his.

Original poster
fairyfly · 05/06/2006 16:40

I have this ridiculous urge to totally sell myself out and ring him up to say i'll change and be good and he mustn't leave me.

What a bloody nbightmare.

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 05/06/2006 16:43

stay strong! don't phone! keep posting here instead...

bluejelly · 05/06/2006 16:44

Fight it. Turn your phone off. He should chase you, not the other way round.

Original poster
fairyfly · 05/06/2006 16:45

hmmm, so shall i text him not to come round then, hes coming round to talk.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/06/2006 16:46

I have urges like that too. They are really hard to fight. But the worst thing you can do to a commitment phobe is chase them

bluejelly · 05/06/2006 16:48

Oh well if he's coming round already... then maybe you should talk. Make sure you are cool, calm, collected. Don't beg whatever you do

Original poster
fairyfly · 05/06/2006 16:49

the worst thing you can do it a commitment phobe is chase them but the worst thing you can do to me is play hard to get, it makes me relentless.

I dont think i want to see him, i will just want him back, i will cry and not be cool.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/06/2006 16:59

Do you have time to write yourself a list of all the things you dislike about him before he comes round?
I found it helped my negotiating tactics when I was in the process of splitting up. Although it didn't stop me feeling sad it stopped me begging and being desperate...

Also found it invaluable to refer whenever I felt like I was falling apart in the days and weeks afterwards...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2006 16:59

FF

You do not need him in your life in any way shape or form.

Do not give him the time of day.

Original poster
fairyfly · 05/06/2006 17:02

You are all right, i have no respect for myself anymore.

I need to programme my head into positive thinking.

I have this overwhelming urge to be with someone who makes me sob my heart out, its not normal.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/06/2006 17:05

You just love him that all. Unfortunately he doesn't merit that love ( it seems).

I know it feels like you cannot live without him, but you can... quick write a list of all the things that really piss you off about him. And another of all the possible benefits of not being with him.

Beetroot · 05/06/2006 17:05

I would ask him not to come round. I think you should wait until you feel stronger.

Just text him saying it is over and that is all you need toknow for the presnt. Nothing heavy.

Then turn your phone off

monkeytrousers · 05/06/2006 17:07

Only just read the first few posts FF so sorry if this is irrelevant - me and DP have disliked each other on occasion to the extent that you describe but we're still together - you fall in love you fall out of love, you fall in love again - I think it happens to everyone, though we all express it differently. This happened just after you get arrested then?

It's your relationship, only you know what's going on. If he doesn't want to split are you sure he's just not trying to give you a kick up the arse? You've mentioned needing on e afew times..

anorak · 05/06/2006 17:13

Oh ff, I hadn't read this when I posted on your other thread Sad

You keep forgiving him and taking him back, but loving someone isn't enough if they make you unhappy so much of the time.

I would tell him, I love you but I can't be with you. You keep hurting me in a way that doesn't lead anywhere, isn't constructive. If you decide you want to treat me properly, you will have to tell me what's going to be different and then maybe if I haven't given up on you completely you'll get another chance. But don't take too long, I've only got one life.

Certainly do not allow him to come round, take you to his place just in order to hurl abuse at you. Keep your distance for a while.

Frenchgirl · 05/06/2006 17:13

before I met dh his fiancee left him for another bloke and he was devastated. He kept a diary of the break-up and how she made him feel until he felt stronger, and it proved invaluable when she started to sound like she wanted to try again with him. He just looked at the diary and was reminded of all she had put him through, and it helped him stay strong and say no to her

then I rescued him for good Grin

I don't know if you already keep a diary but it might be an idea, just to show yourself what's really going on

you deserve so much better than what he is giving you at the moment
xxx

Original poster
fairyfly · 05/06/2006 17:14

He cant recognise he has any faults.

He turns hot and cold.

I have to wait until i see him until i know if its going to be a good or bad day depending on if he likes me at that moment.

He's obsessive about being a strong unemotional independant man which in my opinion makes him selfish.

He cant keep promises and lets me down constantly.

He has tood me up loads, including christmas day.

He is disloyal.

He will drop me for his friends at any given moment.

He thinks i feel too much.

He has started to make me feel like a bad person.

He blames me for things i am not capable of.

He doesn't listen.

He also is inconsistent in my life which means he is inconsitent with my boys.

If we have had a fabulous weekend together i know it will go awful for a week as he will feel suffocated.

here you go, done, will that do?

I have a bigger list of nice things though.

Ive told him not to come round, even though i just want to see him, but the reasons i want to see him aren't right as deep down i know it would just be to try and get back with him.

OP posts:
Beetroot · 05/06/2006 17:19

and he is not very good looking

monkeytrousers · 05/06/2006 17:19

Oh god, please don't go in for that drinking, snogging, shagging phase - especially if you have kids. Please!! Feel as sorry for yourself as you want but don't give yourself away.

I fell in love with my best friend - he kind of saved me. It took a couple of years for me to start seeing myself as his equal.

For what its worth, I don't think your ex(?) is a shit, he's just pissed off and angry. I'm a cow when I am too, I say horrible things (well, I used to, I don't anymore). He might not like you at the mo but do you think he loves you? And do you trust him?

DP is the only one who can hurt me the way you have described - he's the only one I'd expect to kick me up the arse if I needed it.

bluejelly · 05/06/2006 17:21

Great list fairyfly. Sounds like he's got loads of faults. Which is Sad but at a time like this it is good to remind yourself of them -- it really did help me out when I was feeling weak and vulnerable.

How dare he stand you up on xmas day! Shock

You really deserve better

monkeytrousers · 05/06/2006 17:23

Forget my post - ditch him (but please still don't do the drunk/snoggy thing)Smile

Beetroot · 05/06/2006 17:23

yes, keep writing the lsist of bad stuff...nt worth it imo. I have seen him do this too often

FioFio · 05/06/2006 17:24

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