Dating thread 58 everyone welcome

[Kirstywirsty]

The Rules

1. Develop a thick skin;
   
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
   
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
   
4. Trust your gut instinct;
   
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
   
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
   
7. If it's not fun, stop
   
8. loo update is mandatory

[mercury7]

I think Little is right on the money with that post!

[Bant]

actually the more I think about it, the more I'm getting annoyed with this guy.
He saw you were shy enough to comment on it, several times. He got you drunk and said nice things on the second date and got you into bed. You weren't enthusiastic enough in the sack for him, so he said 'speak to you later' then ignored you for 4 days, even though you texted him after two days.

Then he comes back and says 'you didn't seem to like it, so rather than be a gentleman and thank you and see if maybe I can make you like it more next time, I thought I'd ignore you'

Basically, he's being a dick. You said the sex with him was great, but you weren't relaxed enough to show it, so it can't have been that amazing. I don't know what you're comparing it to, but I always thought if sex was really very good then there was lots of two-way communication and trust, lowered inhibitions and communication. Maybe you've not had that in the past, but he can't have been truly great in bed if he couldn't make you respond and if he thought the sex wasn't good for you.

[lurkinglorna]

55

second what mercury and "scrazy and Stranger and OWW* said!

at best he's got no social skills and that text was tactless -he doesn't feel connection is good enough, fair play, but why not just send a vague farewell text?

at worst i he might have been goading you into going "but doctor dickhead i AM very good in bed i agree to do X, Y and Z to you whilst you just lie back".

i hate it when guys do little jabs early on "oh you're a bit quiet?" "oh you should be doing X socially and being really outgoing to keep me amused all the time".

so you're constantly second guessing yourself? when i was younger i listened to them, especially as i came from a family/cultural background where it was the norm to have to "prove myself" and feel under scrutiny all the time.

now i'm like fucking hell, there are very attractive, masculine guys out there who are a lot more easygoing and not needing me to be Miss Extrovert Entertainment Committee all the time - my quiet company is enough!

ps have a look at THIS article btw on guys who are a bit "difficult".

[lurkinglorna]

what winefiend said, second paragraph!

trying to get the spotlight on "your "shy" behaviour" so you aren't picking up on HIS issues!

[lurkinglorna]

Winefiend

yeah, absolutely agree! i think some insecure people try and set up a "dynamic" where you are constantly working to win their approval.

but once you get past a certain age, all you do is go at them and think they are a bit weird and rude!

[lurkinglorna]

Winefiend

what if you only grew your hair "half long" or in a bob? would you be 10% fitter?

[lurkinglorna]

[48howdidthathappen]

55 WTF! Run for the hills.

[scrazy]

Oh yes, I've had the best comment after getting my hair done differently 'If I saw you out I'd fancy you' no, just a knobbish comment to try and put me down. Weirdly I thought the erection he had every time we got close indicated that he did anyway, but who knew.

[Kirstywirsty]

55 I think he sounds like an emotional abuser .. I think you've had a lucky escape

wine you make me laugh

nora how are you today pet?

[KinNora]

OWW I didn't think your post was insensitive in the slightest, you're an unfailingly kind and sensitive person, sadly I think there's some kind of hideous subconscious thing going on with me and depressives, not unrelated to having a parent with serious mental health issues, either I attract them or I must seek them out somehow. It's a bit of a bugger.

Kirsty thanks, chuck, I'm slightly less miserable, grumpy and cynical than I was yesterday, but not by much ...

[lurkinglorna]

re:depression

i've actually been on the other side here -a sufferer and only really got out the woods in last couple of years- and will admit i was often a complete shit/really inconvenienced anyone who was dating me.

so for them to say "too much trouble" would be absolutely fair!

(on the surface at the time i was quite charming and attractive, but just "not feeling anything so not able to have ANY genuine empathy for others needs"

just so wrapped up in my own head that living, and all the social stuff associated with it just felt like "going through the motions". now i wouldn't want to date a male version of me then, for sure!)

[KinNora]

Oh yes, I know how awful and destructive depression is for the sufferer Lorna, it's a terrible illness and caused a massive amount of damage within my own family.

[KinNora]

I think I'm just fighting against something I recognise in myself, some kind of subconscious drive to endlessly repeat history.

( I'm being cheered up by some bloke on okc who buttered me up ridiculously and now wants to run a 'business proposal' by me, for which he is at pains to ensure I'm 'open-minded' - I can't wait to find out what it's going to be as I really need a laugh )

[lurkinglorna]

being compassionate is beautiful Nora

but yeah I HEAR YOU ON the family thing.

ps don't laugh at his business proposal, you might see him on the TV in 15 years time going "oh well i told this woman i liked online about it, and she laughed at me. NOW I'LL SHOW HER."

[lurkinglorna]

just run if he says its a Yoni massager.

[ConfuzzledMummy]

Hey ladies, got a date on Saturday afternoon with a lad I've met on a dating site. Come on here for maybe a bit of advice it's my first time meeting anyone off the Internet!

[KinNora]

Nope, not yoni massager - he wants me (brace yourselves) to be the 'key holder' to his 'personal chastity device' .

[mercury7]

re people who try to make you feel insecure, of course it is bad that they do this but it seems somehow worse that the attempts are so transparent.

A skillful manipulator would have your number quite quickly and would know exactly how to make you feel insecure, the attempt wouldn't be transparent because it would work.

Of course I don't mean that it's good to be manipulative but they just make themselves look lame and unpleasant.

I remember a man who tried to make me feel paranoid about my weight after I commented that his bathroom scales seemed inaccurate...he just assumed that because I'm female I must be paranoid that I look fat.
Too damn lazy to find out what my actual insecurities were!

[KinNora]

Mercury not only was he lazy, I rather suspect he was targeting the wrong woman, trying that kind of nonsense on with you.

Confuzzled hello and welcome, the best advice is to follow the rules at the top of the thread - it's the distilled wisdom of many hours of dating and might spare you a lot of pain.