Talk to me about anger management for DH

[PuffDaddy]

DH has a foul temper. Very short fuse and can blow up over innocuous things - the traffic, my tone of voice, anything. I would say this anger surely stems from his daily use of marijuana. He disputes this and says he always had a short fuse. On the whole we have a good relationship but all too often we have a blazing row over...nothing and his reaction is disproportionate with the catalyst.

So this morning example, the buggy was in his way as he was trying to rush out the door to work so he started shouting and swearing. I told him his language was disgusting and this turned to me "f*ck you" etc. He has never been violent towards me but his rage is unpredictable and he can throw stuff, kick doors etc. His face contorts with anger and in those moments, I can't stand him.

Anyway I am sick of this - can anyone talk to me about anger management? Is it available on the NHS and does it work?

'Anger management', you say...?

I don't think anyone, in good conscience, can recommend you finding a way to manage his anger. :(

Sorry to hear this, it sounds horrible. I think the advice is that if he flies into rages at work, with his friends etc then he may have anger issues and could address these via counselling etc.

If however he only rages at you, then he is choosing to do this, and is abusive.

Either way, you can't help him. He has to want to change, and to do the work himself.

To be blunt unless he wants to change there is no point.

I was in a relationship with someone like this (except the physical stuff) the verbal blow-ups were horrendous. They gave up marijuana and completely changed.

You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make it drink.

He is abusive.

You need to think about whether this is a healthy relationship to be in.

Does he realise he has a problem?

Anger management for your OH:
he stops being this angry or you leave him the next time he kicks anything, shouts at you or calls you names.

It doesn't really matter if he's only angry at you or other people too. Unless he recognises he has a problem and he wants to change, you can't do anything but remove yourself from contact with him

Yes...it would be great if you could manage his anger, but sadly it doesn't work like that.

You can't do anything. He has to want to, or it's never going to change.

His behaviour is disgusting btw. Who the hell does he think he is? King Dick?

Do you walk on eggshells trying not to set him off?

Anger management won't work if he's smoking weed.

Oh - and if he is able to contain himself and not fly off the handle around other people...his mum, his friends, his colleagues, then you have a deeper problem again. That's not an anger problem, but an abusive one.

Sounds like he needs a large dose of 'shove it up your arse'. That's what I gave my ex who had similar 'anger management' issues and it was at least 95% effective. He's still an annoying twat but not in my house.

Argh this is is why I was hesitant to post, I knew that by holding a mirror up to this, I would see some ugly reflections but I do need to think this through.

First of all, yes he is aware he has a problem. After these incidents we would typically have a productive discussion but obviously these don't achieve anything as he quickly loses it again at the next provocation. But short answer is yes, he recognises it.

He refuses to to connect this to his smoking of weed. He has smoked for years and was a smoker when I met him but before marriage and kids, I didn't foresee how much I would come to hate it. I have never smoked myself.

He does blow up at other people so it is anger issues rather than abuse i would say though i suppose it's a fine line. He is sometimes embarrassing to be with in public as he will totally blow his top when he perceives he has been slighted by others eg a surly waiter. I have witnessed blazing rows with his Mum, my Mum et al. In his eyes, he blows off steam and then it is all over. He doesn't seem to get that for the other person ie me it is not all over, I am left hurting while he has a cathartic rage. Yes he is selfish.

But I don't want to LTB and in spite of this, he is not an ogre. He works hard, he is kind, funny and charming and generally a big personality that people love to be around.

You don't need to know about anger management.

He needs to stop smoking weed and stop kicking off or get out of the house for good.

I tried Relate with my ex, I told him about anger management and he refused to do it. He's someone elses problem now.

I would say this is more than the weed, I know people who smoke it at night after work but they are not 'angry' because of it.

I don't believe in anger management tbh, how do you manage anger?

He sounds abusive, again, I've yet to see an abusive person change, male or female.

Your children must be scared is all I'm saying...

Does your DH consider himself to have a problem? Is he looking for your help to solve it? If the answer is 'no' and it's just you trying to change him by stealth then I'm afraid you're on a hiding to nothing. What incentive does he have to change or to attend classes?

The kids haven't really been exposed to it I don't think but yes, I'm sure it's inevitable.

He's just popped back home - works v close by - to apologise and seems genuinely shaken. I'm cynical now and becoming hardened to both his outbursts and his apologies

I thought my DC didn't see much of it but they did.

Where was the DC when he told you to 'fuck off'. They pick up on this and yes, no doubt he will be feeling sorry for himself guilty now.

He needs to get help and actively seek it, not you and even then I'm still not sure you can 'manage anger' we all feel angry but do we all walk around telling people to 'fuck off'?

I bet he only treats you like this. Very sad. My friend is going through the same

Anger management is successful for people who have uncontrollable emotional responses and who can become trapped in escalating spirals of heightened emotion. There are programmes that can address behaviour and support people to implement coping strategies to avoid escalation. This type of therapy is generally used for people who have an underlying psychiatric condition such as emotional intensity or borderline personality disorder.

Anger management is not successful when the problem is a deep rooted belief that the person is entitled to behave abusively to people in their life. Your husband's behaviour is abusive and stems from a belief that he in actually entitled to take out his frustrations on you. He doesn't need to learn to manage his anger because deep down he gives himself permission to behave like this. Behaviour management isn't what he needs, the only thing that might work is wholehearted participation in an abuser programme which would challenge his fundamental belief system. They don't have a great success rate.

Also - no mental health service would take him on while he was smoking weed.

My ex was very good at apologising too...but it came to the point where I realised that most people don't need to apologise that much because they generally respect other people and act decently most of the time.

Also, when most people do have to apologise, they dislike it so much that they tend to learn from their mistakes to avoid being in the identical position again and to avoid hurting others again.

It took me years to realise that my ex's apologies were manipulative because I felt duty bound to accept apologies. And it was really just a way of getting away with the same behaviour over and over again. He was convincing though.

I don't know your situation, but seriously the outburst followed by apologies is something that I recognise very well and lived with for a long long time. And I would not ever want to go back to living like that. It's exhausting and it's thankless.

Just because he doesn't save it all for you doesn't mean it's any less of a choice/belief. Some people are fundamentally damaged and selfish and believe their views/wishes/needs are more important than anyone else's and therefore they will stamp all over or shout down anyone who disagrees.

The kids haven't really been exposed to it I don't think

Gosh, that's really unconvincing, even to you, right? Let alone us.

Haven't really. I don't think.

Lovingfreedom - well done on getting out of that.

thanks DonDraper!

You are clearly aware he has a problem but he does not. You cannot and must not take any responsibility here for his actions.

Anger management won't help this man at all and no decent counsellor would see him anyway because of his weed smoking.

You need to think carefully about why exactly you are in this relationship now. Perhaps it is out of an innate fear of being on your own perhaps, pride, a feeling of wanting to make this work regardless of the cost to you and your children?. Your children won't thank you for staying with him, they could well end up despising you instead because you did not choose to leave and in their eyes you put him before them.

Something is keeping you here and if you have children they are seeing and hearing all this and know more than you realise. You cannot protect them fully from his emotionally abusive outbursts.

What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. Two words currently suffice, damaging lessons.

You have every right to be cynical re his intentions because he is at heart abusive and shows every sign of being known as "the Loser" in relationship terms.