MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

[Mixxy]

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

So you are living in a country where driving after having a couple of glasses of alcohol is OK.
You on the other side are coming from a country where it is heavily frowned upon.

Your PIL do not understand your attitude as 'that's what everyone does, where is the problem' which is fair enough because most americans are actually OK with it.
You can not accept it because you can only see all the dangers associated with it. Also fair enough.

I would suggest to play the card of the 'poor foreigner that does things in a different way that anyone else'.
I am sure there are other things already that you do that are different and I would put that issue at the same level. Don't try and convince them they are crazy. Don't try and change their minds. Don't tell them they are stupid to think/behave the way they do.
on the other side, do expect them to also accept that you want to do things differently and that they can't force you to like/not like, do things their way instead of yours.
And for you and your PIL/FamilyIL, do try and be a bit more flexible. Shouting matches about who is right or wrong isn't going to solve the problem but will only create a big gap between you and your DH's family. Which isn't fair either to you, to your DH, to your Ds or to your family unit as a whole.

I am afraid that imo, as your are the 'foreigner' I think it's up top you to make the effort to find a solution to that problem. You will have to accept that people are driving there after drinking on some days (and probably also on weekends etc...) as well as all the other 'weird' things they can do. You will have to find a way to deal with it, incl accepting that it is OK to drive on the other side of the road .

well that's my pov as a foreigner in the UK....

BTW, I know quite a few countries in Europe where people are more than happy to drive even after a few drinks. Would you be happy to drive there or by Europe do you mean only the UK?

There are some very strange views on this thread.

Calling adult women names, phoning an embassy to tell them a woman is mad, drink driving, all forgivable for the sake of a 4 month old having a relationship with them?

In fact, it's not acceptable and should not be tolerated.

Really alibaba Is your DH a drunk driver too?

Your decision re cabs both ways has indeed made DH happy (and you do want to keep him happy) so he can once again pretend that you all get on and can do so with the benefit to him being that he can continue having a quiet life with no aggravation. He does not have to deal with his parents yet again if you go on your own with your child. Granted he is working that day but he's got out of a difficult situation re his parents yet again.

You are actually dealing with people who treat you with utter contempt and only tolerate you at all because of your child.

'I need a modicum of respect and reciprocity'

Yes, you do.

Until you get it, I would suggest to your DH that if it's acceptable within what should now be your family too for you to be called a 'selfish bitch' and for that to be a-ok, then you may as well live up to the insult.

It would be reasonable for you to be digging your heels in about going even if it were because you were expected to drag yourself and the baby a long distance to see them all when they won't return the favour.

But it isn't even that. It's because you object to them drink driving.

Holy cow.

They wouldn't be seeing me for dust. And nobody, nobody comes to my home and has a screaming tantrum to try and get their own way and ends up still on talking terms with me at the end of it.

So, I'm with you too on this. Go to the Hudson, and make noises about moving back to Ireland next year next time your MIL pulls a stunt like that. Tell them it's ok, you'll leave them the cat so that there's always a reason for you to come and visit

I wouldn't go. As you've said, they don't put themselves out one iota to see your ds. They are complete twats on the drinking driving and they sound rude and pretty nasty to boot. I don't know what's involved on 4 July stuff but I'd get a

bollocks...

A nice lunch in and watch whatever treats are on tv/go to a park/parade/whatever.

PMSL jim! Phoning the embassy to say I was mad and that my DS was not entitled to an Irish passport was because us going back to Ireland is her biggest fear. What a ballet dancing husband would be doing there I dont know...

BTW OP I would really really also ask that question on the 'living overseas' threads.

It is obvious that everyone on here will support your pov. Because everyone on here is British.
You will HAVE to take into account the difference in cultures to be able to deal with that issue the best way possible.

lottie We boarded the cat last summer and had the entire apartment steam vaccumed when we agreed to have DN stay with us in the city last summer for a month. I don't feel the need to people calling me a crazy, uncompromising bitch, because I'm not.

Who called you that? Certainly not me!

All you'd told us about the cat allergy was It seems the consensus is that I should learn to drive over here, though terrified and feeling unsafe doing so, in order to ferry my DS to ILs unwilling to come to our place (cat allergies sniff) so that they can have a better relationship with him whilst caving to hissy fit from MIL. So unwilling not unable and the 'sniff' was sarcasm or derision, surely?

Ok, I posted something sympathetic and attempting to help. You seem to have accused me of calling you a bitch. You're not coming across as a very nice person. I have better things to do than waste any more time on someone so abrasive.

If they want you there he should lay off the booze. I wouldn't pay all that money out. And you dont have to learn to drive if its not what you want.

Hmm what happened to the usual mn refrain of "if you don't feel safe behind the wheel you shouldn't be on the road"? Personally I think encouraging someone who already thinks they would be unsafe driving in the area (and this person is a driver so is under no illusions) to start driving is a stupid thing to do. Although not anywhere near as stupid as the op's fil.

I don't think I've seen so many idiotic responses on one thread. If the OP doesn?t want to drive she doesn?t have to. It is not an unreasonable position. Not wanting to get in the car with someone who?s had a few is reasonable. Not wanting to put herself out for inlaws when they?ve made it clear that they only care about seeing the kid (but can?t be bothered to go to her house) is not unreasonable.

Calling adult women names, phoning an embassy to tell them a woman is mad, drink driving, all forgivable for the sake of a 4 month old having a relationship with them?

No, I didn't say this.

I said its up to the OP to make a call on whether her ILs actions are to be tolerated. It sounds to me as if she is NOT planning to cut these people off, so we're all giving her advice on how to deal with this situation.

In fact, it's not acceptable and should not be tolerated.

Nowhere have I suggested that the OP "tolerate" drink driving or that she doesn't stand up to her ILs and give them a rocket for the embassy call (which situation I don't fully follow, but not for this thread).

lottie I mistyped. I was saying I don't really mind people calling me a bitch and precious on this thread because I know I'm not BU. That why I wasn't asking if I was BU but posted in Relationships.

Sorry if my typo made it seem that I was imply that you had said it.

I really think the cat allergy thing is a little made up. And I think it is less serious than drink driving. But I'm defending my hosting abilities.

I would think that it might be time for someone (ie her son) to point out to MIL that the biggest threat to her relationship with her grandson and her grandson's family is NOT them moving to another country, but their tendency to treat the mother of that family like shit on their shoe.

Phoning the embassy?!

Your husband needs to step up here, the very next time they insult you, and roar.

Don't go on the 4th.

Two separate issues here: OPs relationship with the PILs and the drink-driving one.

Re drink-driving, don't be swayed. It's illegal and destroys lives. There is no justification. Ever. Ask your 80-year-old PIL why he thinks he is different to everyone else whose reaction time is severely impaired by alcohol (further exacerbated in his case by his age). Ask him how he will feel if DS dies as a result of his refusal to put family before alcohol - which is exactly what he's choosing to do.

Could you compromise by getting a breathalyser and making him check after each drink so that he stops before he's over the limit? Although that kind of defeats the point, because even one drink will effect you even though you may still be within acceptable limits to drive.

The relationship with the inlaws is more difficult. They sound barking TBH (can't believe ringing the embassy!).

Don't go. None of you will enjoy it now. You think they're rude (they are) and they think you are. You are fairly abrasive on here but not wanting to drive or be driven by a drunk driver are perfectly reasonable positions to take.
Can't your DH drive you over on a different occasion when you can see the extended family/ ILs? Get it in the diary and then enjoy 4th July with friends.

Get a train to as near to BIL's, then perhaps someone at BIL's end can pick you up from the station. Then stay the night at BIL's, get driven to nearest station in time for train back the next day.

Really, it isn't that hard. And it is good for your son to become familiar with your ILs.

You might enjoy the train journey, you never know.

"You will HAVE to take into account the difference in cultures to be able to deal with that issue the best way possible."

The difference in cultures here isn't between Irishness and Americanness, it's between the city and Jersey.

Not being able to drive and not wanting to ever leave Manhattan is very common in New York City.

I'm really struggling to imagine any of my New Yorker friends travelling by cab to the arse end of NJ on the 4th of July to see people they actually liked.

Never mind a long, hot, tiresome, expensive journey to bring a baby to a party at which you know you are only tolerated as the baby's food source and handler.

Stay the night? I have work in the morning!

You don't want to go, and it is massively inconvenient and expensive for you to go without getting into a car with a drunk driver. Your IL's don't want to see you - they want to see your 4 month old, who frankly won't care where he is as long as he's comfy. So if you do go you will probably have a wretched day, just to facilitate your IL's meeting up with the baby - which your IL's themselves aren't prepared to do.

I wouldn't go (regardless if I couldn't drive or not, which OP you do need to sort out if you are going to be living in USA with family in the sticks/not close to public transport). If your IL's REALLY wanted to drive you and baby they would agree not to drink. They aren't prepared to do this - their choice.

I would suggest an alternative family gathering, on the nearest available date, where your DH can celebrate with you all.

And I'd go to the fireworks with friends on 4th - or watch DH perform.

Paying $300 for car/taxi to have a miserable day is above and beyond the call of duty IMO.

TBH, I wouldn't be too keen about driving in a place that has such relaxed views on drink driving, especially with a child in the car. And with drunk eighty odd year old people on the roads.

Send a card to the hosts of the barbecue explaining that you won't be attending, maybe with flowers? Explain you'd love to meet up soon and try and arrange a time and place suitable for all and where your FIL won't be driving and putting innocent road users at risk.

Also, it's not compulsory to own and drive a car if you have a licence. If you don't want to drive, that's entirely up to you. If you would barely use it anyway why go to the expense?

And I don't think its a European/American divide, its generational thing. My DH would never drink and drive, nor would my BIL or SIL. That's why I think they don't want to come to Manhattan. They would never and drive but would be forced to stay sober at our house. Cat allergy me eye.

AliBaba

Heaven preserve my son from marrying someone like you OP.

What a horrid thing to say.