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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just disappeared after 6 months........I feel such a plonker

173 replies

Pinkdaisy4 · 26/06/2013 22:35

Been with 'd'p for around 6 months. Very passionate and intense relationship then two weeks ago, he texted in the morning to say " morning gorgeous, I love you and miss you so much. I texted back on his normal number but came up unobtainable.

He lives about 40 miles away, difficult to just pop round as have a toddler and I work pt. I tried calling his mobile but still " the number you have called has not been recognised" I left a message on his landline but nothing. This was two weeks ago and haven't heard anything.

I feel such a plonker and I'd lent him money too. I was just another notch :(

Just wanted a rant.....we had a termination in April this yr as condom split and failed MAP . I just feel so angry....with everything :( I've been used big time :(

OP posts:
Boomba · 27/06/2013 23:04

I'm with stumped...it doesn't add up. Is need to know he was ok. BUT I'm a right sucker, so probably best ignore my opinon!

Can't you get any more info through work?

BerylStreep · 27/06/2013 23:06

But if he was ill or had had an accident, it wouldn't explain why his phone isn't working.

ProperStumped · 27/06/2013 23:31

No Beryl, I agree, but it could be a coincidence. It's just really odd. And I have had a couple of vanishers in my time as well.

VelvetSpoon · 27/06/2013 23:37

Possibly when he sent that text he hadn't decided...and then subsequently made his mind up - and once he had, no need to contact you.

I'm sorry, it's a horrible thing to happen. Apart from the ones I ended it with (properly, I hasten to add, not just by ignoring them), and my first ever serious relationship, I have been dumped by silence by pretty much every other bloke I have been involved with. It really is utterly crap. The first time it happened (back in the pre-mobile & internet era...) I did think 'what if he's been injured?' etc. He hadn't been. He was just a complete cock, unfortunately for me.

Sometimes they do it because they're too lacking in balls to be the bad guy, too scared of emotion, or upset. Or because they have sociopathic tendencies (quite possibly this guy fits that mould) and use people until they have no need for them anymore, whereupon they drop them like a stone. And those men will pay no attention to your feelings, because they lack empathy, and are only concerned with how they feel.

I think, honestly, he hasn't had an accident. He was just a nasty man. One day that nastiness will bite him in the arse. Hopefully soon. In the meantime I think all you can do, OP, is be kind to yourself. You are clearly a nice person, you did a nice thing for him in lending that money. Don't feel bad, or reproach yourself. It is a lot of money when you don't have much I know, but it was perhaps the cost of seeing his true colours.

Sorry though. It is a horribly, crappy thing for one person to do to another, especially one they profess to have feelings for.

Scarletohello · 27/06/2013 23:47

So sorry sweetheart, I just don't know why someone would do this. Please don't let it make you bitter. You are worthy of love and I hope you meet someone bloody brilliant in the future! By the way there's a fab website called Baggage Reclaim with lots of brilliant advice about men and dating and taking care of you. I encourage you to take a look xx

SugarMouse1 · 28/06/2013 04:54

Do you know what his car looks like?

As the money you lent him was for repairs to his car, I would sneakily go and key it and slash the tyres.

Good Luck, keep your chin up

Original poster
Pinkdaisy4 · 28/06/2013 09:44

I did think of trashing his car! But a moment of madness would realistically leave me with a criminal record and no career although would make me feel better

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkdaisy4 · 28/06/2013 09:47

You lovely MNetters have kept my spirits up......:)

OP posts:
seaofyou · 28/06/2013 10:08

Agree with Veletspoon totally a sociopathic guy here the red flags are the intense rush and love at start of relationship and can switch off emotion like a switch when you no longer are use to them lucky you didn't have a dc with him etc

Spiritedwolf · 28/06/2013 11:02

Sorry, I don't mean to be pernickity about something which might well be painful for you.

But you said:
I didn't feel pressurised . He was like " yeah, we're going to be parents....happy happy " to " I can't afford to support you and your ds......I think a termination is for the best"

That's about what he thought - one minute he wanted a baby, the next he didn't. But you might have felt differently? You don't have to talk about it here and I'm not saying you have to be feeling conflicted about it just because you are treating your scan picture with respect.

Smile I'm glad you are having fun with your son and not giving this houdini too much thought. What a coward he is. As he has previous for going zero contact, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets back in touch, needless to say, you can tell him where to go. I assume he has more than one woman that he is juggling.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/06/2013 11:19

Do nothing to him or for him, Pink, it will harm YOU. The only person you need to think of is yourself and what you need.

Accept that this relationship is over and grieve for that, just that. Don't add more layers to it by thinking of what might have been. At the point realisation dawned is the cut-off point. Adding hopes and dreams for the future of this one is wasted and just gives you some additional pain to try to manage, which you can well do without.

I think that there may be some benefit to you in getting somebody professional - and objective - to talk your termination through with. What you've posted about your infertility makes me wonder if he put subtle and insidious pressure on you to terminate? Maybe he didn't - maybe it was what you wanted at the time? I'd feel less twitchy about it all if you 'checked it out' and came back helped or validated about your decision. You did nothing wrong whatsoever.

I've been thinking about this man; his job, the posts above that question whether 'this is the same man' elsehwere. I wonder if because he's in the paramedic profession, this role calls to certain types of men who realise that the professional role of 'rescuer' brings with it some very real opportunities to access potentially vulnerable women who might appreciate men who have authority, hold 'lives in their hands' and who demonstrate caring, rescuing and bravery, literally life-saving on a daily basis. Who wouldn't be seduced by such men as potential life partners? There are just some who seemingly would use that to the bad, for their own egos.

I'm certainly not saying that all paramedics, doctors, firemen, policemen have this in their career selection checklist BUT, if you were some kind of cruel sociopath, wouldn't it be a marvellous 'perk' to take advantage of?

Stay strong, PinkDaisy, do nothing regarding this man until you are absolutely certain that what you do will not be contrary to YOUR best interests. We're here and holding your hands. xx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/06/2013 11:22

cross-posted with SpiritedWolf. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who thinks that you could do with some support regarding the termination, PinkDaisy. This is all about YOU and only you. :)

BerylStreep · 28/06/2013 11:29

Lying, funny you say that, I know a guy who was dismissed from the police because he was basically a sexual predator who tried to take advantage of people he met through his job. Guess what? He was a paramedic before he joined the police. Hmm

seaofyou · 28/06/2013 12:40

Just read page 5

I am so sorry for what you have been through I do hope he is gone as he is a bad one. You and your family deserves a loving caring truthful honest man not a fraud.

SugarMouse1 · 28/06/2013 14:31

PinkDaisy-

I'm sure it wouldn't come to that

He isn't likely to be the sort of person who'd go to the police

Besides, you are highly unlikely to be charged even if you are caught; frankly its not a police priority, they are highly unlikely to even bother investigating

There are other ways to get revenge.

Sign him up for the BNP- if you pay the £30 membership fee- let slip to people and he may lose his job!

Sign him up for endless junk mail etc

Put his number on gumtree for an advert

Have a grand piano delivered to his house from freecycle or somewhere

BerylStreep · 28/06/2013 15:19

I personally don't think any revenge plots are a good idea. Not only can it get you in trouble, you will come across as being seriously unhinged, and for what purpose?

The best you can try to do for yourself is pick yourself up, view it as a lesson learnt, and move on with some dignity. Although I would still like to get money back, but perhaps that in itself is a good lesson - never a lender or borrower be.

Doha · 28/06/2013 15:21

The ultimate revenge.. send an undertaker round to his house to make arrangements for HIS funeral..

unobtanium · 28/06/2013 16:38

I'm so sorry, Pink. Been dumped that way, long time ago. Knocks the wind right out of you.

Wise words of comfort and advice above -- all spot on.

Flowers
Officershitty · 28/06/2013 16:46

Sign him up with loads of companies so he gets lots of junk mail. Sometimes you can send off for stuff (try before you buy).
Arrange for a skip to be delivered to where he lives.
Arrange for a stripper to go to his workplace.
Grin

Officershitty · 28/06/2013 16:48

Well I'm only joking before anyone jumps on me. He sounds like a shit, hope you find someone decent, they are out there. Wanker.

missbopeep · 28/06/2013 18:28

You can use the small claims court for around £25 to claim back your money. If he refuses he might get a black mark ( not sure of legal term) against his name which could affect his credit rating (I know this applies to businesses as I used the SCC to try to get money back owed to me by a client.) You just need his name and address and the reason for the debt.

It may be- psychologically- better to put all of it behind you, but it's your call.

You've had issues with this guy almost from week 1- so it's better its ended now than in another 6 months. Not much comfort now I know, but maybe take some time out from men to recover your self esteem and take things more slowly- let them run after you!

MyExIsAParamedic · 28/06/2013 18:37

Lying, Another one here thinking 'Funny you should say that ...'

My ExH is a paramedic and he had one affair and then another affair (that I know of) with women from work. I'm surprised they got anyone to hospital.

I agree that this is just a small section of the service, but it's horribly toxic.

MyExIsAParamedic · 28/06/2013 18:39

Oh and if you dump their stuff down at the ambulance station they do find it embarrassing, apparently, to be 'caught out'.

DHtotalnob · 28/06/2013 18:43

^ what missbopeep said.

I'd be tempted to do the obvious stuff to get the money back (formal letter, CC action etc) if this is realistic in the circumstances but balanced with whether it's worth your headspace.

Do you know his address? I know you said were googling but he has a common name - was that to do with seeing if he was married etc?

missbopeep · 28/06/2013 19:15

IF you decide to try for your money you need to be able to detach yourself once you've filed- you can do it all online anyway so it's dead easy.

But he would be given something like 4 weeks to pay up, then if he doesn't you go to the next stage which costs you a bit more- though you do get all your costs back in the end if the claim is successful. If they don't pay there are a couple of options- one is to send in the bailiffs ( and they take things that can be sold) or he can be asked to pay back weekly and it will be deducted from his salary at source ( or it used to be- I used the SCC for a debt incurred in a car prang by an uninsured idiot, and was paid back that way.)

It might just make him think again about treating women like you so badly but you have to be prepared for the process to take a couple of months- and meanwhile he is in your head.

I'd suggest that if you DO go down that route, have no contact with him other than the legal process, and just don't do or say anything emotional- just detach from it all.