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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
mumandboys123 · 04/07/2013 11:35

and she should take 50% of the responsibility for him feeling powerless to leave? so....they both know the relationship is unhappy but the only reason he doesn't leave is 'cos he feels 'powerless' and it wouldn't be financially viable for him and it would be upsetting for the children and that's 50% her responsibility? She should somehow 'come back' from that and make it all OK? you're kidding, right?!

Original poster
beingmyself · 04/07/2013 11:43

Bowing out as exhausted from trying to explain...

OP posts:
FasterStronger · 04/07/2013 11:45

being - I do think she is 50% responsible for the state of their marriage.

i think it is hard to talk in percentages but yes both parties are responsible for the state of their relationship.

LittlePeaPod · 04/07/2013 11:45

A few people have said this... The reason the Op is getting the responses she is getting is because she does not seem to want to take ownership or responsibility for her / OMs actions and she has continued to try to apportion blame onto OMs wife, based on gossip and OMs word.

I think it's true that if people are in denial about who they are/how they behave/impact of their actions on others then they will find excuse after excuse to apportion blame on others for their actions/situations. It's so easy to blame someone else (OM wouldn't have had an affair if she had not been EA or if she had listened to him. she was 50% responsible etc.). People don't have affairs whilst married / in a relationship because their partner neglects them or makes them unhappy. If this was the case then everyone would have an affair on their partner at some point in their relationship. After all every relationship will have its lows! They have affairs because they want to and have probably considered it previously.

If you are unhappy in a relationship you have a choice to leave in a dignified way. If you stay then that is your choice but you can't use it as an excuse for having an affair.

chamonixlover · 04/07/2013 11:48

No I don't suppose you'll understand that other people have feelings and when you interfere with another family's life, you walk all over their feelings. Keep out of other people's relationships and families and when you don't do that, take responsibility for what you might have caused. The same for both sides of the affair.

Do unto others what you would like to be done onto you. It's quite an easy rule to understand and follow, I wish people would do that.

Growlithe · 04/07/2013 11:50

Sorry if this point has been made before, but all this about the wife being EA because she didn't want him to see his friends irks me. Once you have DCs it is unfair to want to go out all the time.

OP, you heard his gripes about how his wife treated him, not wanting him go out, you agreed with him that this was bad behaviour on her part. With that in mind, do you think that you will ever have a leg to stand on once fully together if there is ever a legitimate reason why you might not want him to go out? Or will you be too scared that you will begin to sound like her?

FasterStronger · 04/07/2013 11:52

If you are unhappy in a relationship you have a choice to leave in a dignified way.

but not everyone has the courage to do that. my xdp and I had a dysfunctional relationship. in order of preference:

  1. I wish I had had the courage to end it
  2. I wish he had had the courage to end it nicely
  3. it ended badly

but by far the worst outcome was it not ending.

mumandboys123 · 04/07/2013 11:57

fasterstronger I don't disagree. But what you can't do when you end something badly, is fail to take responsibility for that and the aftermath and fall out. And the aftermath and fall out is likely to be huge. Continuing to lie - which is what is going on here - is part of that failing to face up to it.

And hell, who wants a weak man with no courage to leave a situation which is unhappy. The same 'weak' man who finds the courage when he's getting his end away with someone else. Yuk!

FasterStronger · 04/07/2013 12:01

yes. but I also think the DP/DW/DH can be weak as well and continue in a bad situation due to fear.

one of my friends is very blind to the fact her 'D'H (nasty man) is not interested in her or their DCs. she would be surprised if he left. I would not.

carolst · 04/07/2013 12:06

being - does his W want the marriage to end or did she beg him to come back? you stated she was in pieces.

Did your partner tell her is was unhappy with her before meeting you, or did he blame other issues or did he keep quiet and pretend he was happy? Did he give any indication of leaving prior to meeting you?

Who initiated the affair as you stated you had heard about their unhappiness before the affair started. Were you already checking him out, or was this just gossip.

Does anyone else involved know anyone else? ie does you H know your partner (but obviously not that you're having an affair)

Again obviously your answers will be based on what he has told you so may not be true but interested in what picture he has painted.

Original poster
beingmyself · 04/07/2013 12:17

Carolst.... Perhaps you're trying to be helpful but I can see how any response I give will go so am bowing out of the thread!

All the best

OP posts:
Heartbrokenmum73 · 04/07/2013 12:18

Littlebopeep I find it highly amusing that you feel you can have a go about spiteful posts to OP. Who has had posts deleted up the thread? That would be you. And what kind of posts were they? Yep, they were spiteful ones, directed at another poster. As someone has pointed out to you, pot, kettle, black.

OP, the very first thing you stated on starting this thread was that you expected a flaming. Well, you've had one. And you obviously don't like it. You've made snarky remarks and found it amusing when another poster was bullied up-thread. You only want to hear certain things (although you must still be waiting for those) and you will not admit that what you've done is vile.

I cannot believe that you're buying into the things your 'partner' is telling you. Have you not read enough on MN to recognise The Script? You're being fed bullshit - and you're believing it. Because you're in love, you're soulmates, it's meant to be. I've read at least three incredibly similar threads in the last fortnight alone, with the same nonsense tumbling from OW as from you here.

Also, please don't state that MN has educated you on what Emotional Abuse is - you're not a trained marriage counsellor or psychologist. You cannot diagnose EA based on what you've read on website, for goodness sake! You've been manipulative in the way you've dealt with this man and his wife and it turns my stomach. He's a lying sack of shit and you're a fool for believing him. You deserve each other, really, but I hope your ex and his ex find out what's been going. Show some respect and come clean. But you won't.

nkf · 04/07/2013 16:21

Op, here's the thing. Affairs dom'r happen. People choose to be in them. By being an affair you interfere in a marriage. You make it worse. You provide a way out for someone. That, in my opinion, is wrong. You have no business, playing a part, however small, in the break up of a family. And you are here, asking for advice on how to make it work. You probably will make it work - for you. But, to my.mind, the rightness of an act is not measured by outcome. I find it easy to criticise because I think what you have done is wrong.

Bogeyface · 04/07/2013 17:02

Its a waste of time trying to get the OP to do the right thing, or to get her to understand what she has hitched her wagon to.

It HAS to be different with her. They MUST be soulmates and it MUST be the fact that his wife is a bitch that he had the affair.

If none of that is true then she is a fool her broke up her own family for a cowardly liar.

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife then you are married to a man who cheats on his wife"

Wellwobbly · 04/07/2013 17:15

we have talked a lot about why, are seeing a counsellor both together and separately - you are WHAT?! Did your counsellor get their qualification out of a lucky packet?

No counsellor worth their salt would contemplate 'seeing' people in an affair.

Quote: 'we do not encourage or legitimise fantasies'. That is a direct quote.

Bogeyface · 04/07/2013 17:16

Well Considering they wont tell the truth to their spouses, I rather think that lying to the counsellor wont give them sleepless nights.

LittlePeaPod · 04/07/2013 17:17

Did your counsellor get their qualification out of a lucky packet?

Grin
Bogeyface · 04/07/2013 17:27

LittlePea

Ahem....

FasterStronger · 04/07/2013 17:33

those posts are unhelpful and say more about the posters than anyone else.

why don't you get over your own issues instead as you clearly have some?

Wellwobbly · 04/07/2013 18:25

Miss Bopeep

Did you miss this from Peapod? Do you feel you were justified in saying she did nothing wrong in the light of this?
When he returned we worked very closely together and did develope feelings for each other (nothing ever happened)

why do you pose yourself as an expert? You make such sweeping statements with such authority, you must be me in a past life!

What you accuse PP of? Is NORMAL. To not develop feelings of closeness and attraction to other people you work closely with, means that you are without a pulse. It is NORMAL.

But that isn't what affairs are about. Affairs are about bad boundaries. Slow, creeping giving into temptation until an important boundary is crossed. And THAT takes selfishness and lack of integrity.

PP is correct when she makes the point that she is different because she CHOSE to put integrity over 'feelings'.

Original poster
beingmyself · 04/07/2013 18:53

"if you marry a man who cheated on his first wife, you are married to a man who cheated on his first wife"

Not great but one thing in a persons life doesn't define their whole future....

OP posts:
chamonixlover · 04/07/2013 19:11

and what you and your man have done to 2 families might define their whole futures too......but they didn't get given the choice did they, they had nothing to do with your affair. You had a choice, they didn't.

If you'd just not embarked on that affair, it's more than possible for all your futures to be different, it is still possible to at least repair some of the mistakes made. If you'd just left another family's marriage alone, same goes for your man.

Bogeyface · 04/07/2013 19:27

Alright then, how about this one

?I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.?

Bogeyface · 04/07/2013 19:28

Perhaps you could think about your children when mulling that one over.......

LookingForwardToMarch · 04/07/2013 20:06

Lord is this thread still going?

I wouldn't bother guys, if op had an honourable bone in her body it would have shown up a few pages ago.

Every post makes it more and more clear that she is one of those who will twist all the facts on her head to make her 'right', doesn't give two shits about others feelings