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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

743 replies

beingmyself · 26/06/2013 14:41

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 21:02

I think he will go back to his wife being

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 03/07/2013 21:22

being My DH lived in a rented apartment for about 18 months after he left his XW. We eventually bought a house together.

We didn't broadcast our relationship out of respect for his XW, despite being sorely tempted with her continual bad mouthing us.

He never returned to her.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 21:28

the secrecy employed here is not born out of respect to this man's wife, so your situation is not comparable Edna

carolst · 03/07/2013 21:36

being, it's like you actually think we want to know who you are. I don't. The questions like how long were both relationship's etc that you don't answer won't give the game away of who you are.

Do you live in same town as his W?

Obviously these things are relevant if you are trying to work out highs and lows. I don't actually know if that's why you came on here now as you won't answer any of the relevant questions. That is of course your choice but then makes it harder to help with your original post doesn't it.

The friends that know you and her... one of them could tell her if they work it out... someone that sees you together could out you, there are a number of ways so tell her and your h first. Aren't you worried that she'll find out another way, which would be far worse for her and DC's.

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 21:37

Can you explain Why you say that AF

Although of course I disagree!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 21:41

They were together 12 years and we were together 10.
We don't live in the same town.
I'm not worried about the people we know the same it is only a couple of people and I wouldn't tell them.
I'm sometimes worried we will be seen together but if we are then we will just say we went put together. We are both separated and living apart from our partners. We just don't WANT to broadcast the relationship for many reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 21:42

dame - did he leave his XW for you?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 21:46

you have nothing to lose from the continued secrecy, Op. You say yourself that your own marriage is irrevocably over, affair or no affair

if this comes out, he loses the option to go back to wifey

you don't see this ?

you have said nothing about whether your boyfriend was unhappy in his own marriage until you came along

atm, he is living the single life, while you keep his secrets and look after your kids. His wife looks after his kids while he rediscovers his student days. No wonder you suggested clipping his wings by pushing for 50/50 residence or that completely callous idea of taking the children full time

do you know what he is doing when you are not snatching your (by their very nature, limited) secret moments ?

he is going to "come to his senses" very soon, and you will be left in the cold

the women on both sides of these situations very rarely end up in a good situation and you are no different

he will go back and there will be fuck all you can do about it

carolst · 03/07/2013 21:48

It's not just broadcasting the affair though, it is being honest with H & W that you were both cheating on them and lying.

It's different to not broadcasting a relationship.

carolst · 03/07/2013 21:50

how much time does he currently spend with his children and wife?

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 22:14

AF - appreciate the comments.... Somewhat predictable from you but anyway...!

I didn't suggest anything with regard to how often he sees his kids, not my business.

I couldn't give a shit if he wants to go out and relive his student days - I'm his girlfriend not his keeper!

I have no desire to see him ALL the time. We don't have snatched moments at all as both have our own homes do we see eachother a couple of times a week which is fine as we both have busy careers, lives, DCs to look after, friends to see etc. Broadly I know what he's doing when he's not with me (we will generally say "what are you doing tonight?") but when he says he's watching a movie or out playing golf or at a work function I believe that's where he is. I have no way of knowing and wouldn't dream of "checking up". We've talked a lot about trust, why we cheated etc and I am comfortable in my new relationship and don't feel the need to know exactly where he is at all times.

If he goes back to his w then he goes back. I'd bet my life savings he won't but if that's what he's going to do then I've got no desire to stop him. It ain't gonna happen though!!

OP posts:
Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 22:16

carolst - he sees his children one/two nights in the week depending on w's shifts (she only wanted him to see them one night formally but will ask for 2 when she needs it).

He sees them every other weekend.

He sees his wife at "handover".

OP posts:
Selba · 03/07/2013 22:17

Unless you know the people involved it is a bit of a stab in the dark to insist he will go back to his wife .

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 22:20

Quite selba - one size doesn't necessarily fit all :)

OP posts:
Selba · 03/07/2013 22:23

Unless you have some personal agenda where you can't bear to think it is a perfectly viable life scenario for two people to fall in love , leave their crap marriages and get together and be happy.( " no the marriages weren't crap, they are rewriting history,it's all part of the script,he's still shagging his wife , blah de blardy blah" )

I know several who have done it ( and some who have fucked up trying )

It's perfectly possibly. Why do some people refuse to acknowledge the possibility?

OP I wish you every happiness. Some here seem poised to applaud your downfall .

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 22:26

Thanks selba... The people who fucked up... Do you mean they fucked up trying at their marriages or fucked up in affairs? Not that it makes a difference but I'm interested!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 22:30

Predictable in what way ? That it is often the cheating bloke that comes up smelling of roses while the women get shit on from a great height by everyone ?

You betcha. No news there.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 22:32

I am not "insisting" anything, selba, I am giving my opinion. OP asked me to outline it, so I did.

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 03/07/2013 22:33

being we were seeing each other when he left her but our relationship was in very early stages, it may or may not have worked out. So whilst I believe I was the catalyst, I wouldn't say he left her for me, she would though because she'd rather blame me than look at herself.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 22:40

look at herself ?

what does that mean ?

poor victim bloke again, is it ?

what about she examined carefully the cheating fuck she was married to ?

you got the prize though, Edna, yes indeedy

Selba · 03/07/2013 22:46

Being, I mean the affair relationship did not work out long term . In the cases I am thinking they had horrible toxic marriages and jumped ship for someone who showed love and affection but it did not work out with the someone long term .but they don't regret leaving their marriages .

Without outing myself my job means I see a lot of this stuff ( affairs and remarriage ) and I do not think the balance of opinions on mumsnet are accurate .

I guess that is not really fucking up though , is it?

Someone up thread did mention friends who left marriages ( for affair partners ) and came to regret it and wished they had worked at their marriages. I don't personally know anyone for whom this applies but I daresay it does.

I read an article ( daily mail so maybe doesn't count ) about a man who regretted leaving his wife for his lover but that was because his lover turned out to be unhinged. Not sure why he hadn't spotted it .

AF perhaps insist is the wrong word but how can you possibly claim " he will go back " ? Unless you personally know these people and are not letting on.

Original poster
beingmyself · 03/07/2013 22:47

I Actually meant your view was predictable AF!!

selba - I'm glad it worked out for you :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 22:48

it's my opinion, selba

like arseholes, we all have one Wink

your scenarios are your experience mixed in with personal opinion

just like mine

carolst · 03/07/2013 22:48

Selba - do you agree with affairs?

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 22:49

Yes, I knew what you meant, being and I answered you accordingly

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