Who's going to start dating thread No57?

[akaWisey]

Or am I going to be 'one'

[Bant]

Hi Hey - yep I'm around. Can't go out today, I'm sunburned from yesterday. Ow ow ow.

buzz me your username and site - I checked your old OKC one and it's not there anymore?

[tiredlateandup]

Can I join?

Been separated for a year, divorce proceedings underway. Have 3 young dcs.

So ... I met a man a couple of weeks ago, also going through divorce with 2 young dcs. There was definite chemistry from my end but I was unsure what his feelings were as we met at mutual friends and there was a lot of general talking, playing with dcs etc.

Since then he has asked me to three things with the kids (I went to two and couldn't make the third) and suggested we also hang out next weekend with the kids. So far so good.

BUT .. we haven't actually properly spoken! Everything so far has been with lots of other people around. Would have been just us and our dcs today I think but I couldn't make it. I did send him a message after first thing saying if you ever want to hang out, I'm here etc. - in a very non-committal way, to test the waters. Which he seems to have responded well to.. inviting me out every few days, but what is going on?? Why doesn't he want to see me without our dcs around?

I'm thinking the following. Either
a- he just wants to be friends and have another single parent to hang out with with the dcs
b- he's not sure, so he's testing the waters in a friendly way
c- he likes me but is too nervous to put himself on the line initially
d- he doesn't want to get into another relationship while we are still both technically married to other people
e- he has serious issues!!

Any ideas? I think there is definite potential here (we have lots of mutual friends, I am attracted to him, he seems nice etc.) but I can't really tell if we don't communicate. But I can't say this yet as he doesn't owe me anything and I don't want to look too forward..

Sorry - posting here as opposed to my own thread as it is my first foray into dating post-separation and because I don;t want the whole world to read about it so obviously!

thanks

[tiredlateandup]

Also, if I keep seeing him with the dcs, won't they all start to become a bit attached to him (he is great with them) before we've even had a chance to see if there is anything real between us? My kids already really like him, and that's after only meeting him three times.

[Bant]

There is a theory that people only make friends with people they are physically attracted to on some level.

I'm not sure if that's true but in my situation if there was another single parent who was single and I didn't find them at least a bit attractive, I probably wouldn't start inviting them to lots of things even with the DC around in case I sent the wrong message.

given that he's asked you to three things in two weeks (that's a lot of things) I'd say he's testing the waters but is somewhat nervous about taking it to the next level.

If you like him, and you feel chemistry, then ask if he wants to do something grown up. Say you hate going to the cinema alone or something, would he like to go for a drink and see Superman.

And I don't know how old the DC are but it's unlikely they'd get attached to him unless he's a constant presence in their lives. My kids love their auntie but if they never saw her again it wouldn't occur to them to wonder what happened to her. And they change friends relatively regularly too, so it really shouldn't be too much of an issue if things don't work out as long as you don't move in together after a couple of weeks or something.

[JulietteMontague]

Wisey is GG Gambling Gary or the other one?

[tiredlateandup]

Oh good Bant, that's what I was thinking but I didn't know if I could allow myself to think that iyswim.. Good because I really like him

[tiredlateandup]

Isn't it a bit forward for me to suggest doing something 'adult' before he does?

[Bant]

You're not suggesting whipped cream and latex, tired - just the cinema and a swift drink before it. He's asked you to things three times, it's not like you're pouncing catlike on the milkman.

[tiredlateandup]

ok thanks, maybe I will!

[lurkinglorna]

what bant said....its just a "friendly invitation". just phrase it so it sounds casual and you can then "scope things out" when you're 1-1 without kids. watch to see if he extends the night or suggests further 1-1 stuff?

[lurkinglorna]

Well I have joined some Meetup groups to see what happens! Not really going to walk round asking people to go on a date with me, but just curious and open and of course just activities I like that are mixed...

Checked my hot Scandivanan dates work schedule and I won't be getting an E-MAIL from him until early July so I'm bringing more interest in.

[JulietteMontague]

tired do take along a can of whipped cream just in case though

[tiredlateandup]

But I like him so don't want to mess it up or put him off because it isn't the way he wanted to play things. I don't know why he didn't take me up on it the first time (ie he said something like, yes, we should meet up' - but when he did invite me it was with the kids and with other people ..!

[tiredlateandup]

thanks juliette, maybe I should! . Yes wrong use of 'adult'. Ach you can tell I'm new at this. What a minefield.

[tiredlateandup]

I can't think of how to make it sound casual at this point either. I think maybe it's clear we are interested in each other. Maybe.. I don't know!!

[lurkinglorna]

I reckon there are two options

1. he doesn't fancy you
   

1. he does fnacy you.
   

If (1) not much you can do to force the issue.

If (2), then you want to give him a chance to show it.

I don't really believe that playing hard to get makes him want you? if you like someone, give them an opportunity to reciprocate (and a chance to back out easy without if they don't want to pursue).

as long as your "introduction and invite" and behaviour is not too anxious or aggressive or desperate - and you don't sound like any of these at ALL - then it is fine? You can just be friends if things don't progress.

Phrase it like a "soft sell" not like a demand or an official DATE.

"oh, you know i happened to get a 2 for 1 voucher for X restaurant/the cinema? do let me know if you want to come for brat free night!"

Then he can say yes or no easily without anyone losing face.

[OhWesternWind]

Oh Lorna yes, you need a few other possibilities there, however hot and Scandinavian he is!

Tired - reading your last post, why are you thinking that how he might want to play it is more important than how you want to play it? I know you like him, but it's hugely important that you do what you want in terms of how this, or any other, relationship pans out. Obviously I'm not talking about should we have Indian or Chinese, should we go for drinks or to the pictures type give-and-take stuff, but if you are already worrying about messing up because you suggest an evening out, that's not a good sign really. Your needs are not subservient to his. His idea of what should happen next is not more important than yours.

I've had to fight against this myself - years of conditioning from my ex about him being more important than me us damn hard to overcome sometimes, but I am getting there! Did you have something similar in your marriage at all?

[lurkinglorna]

ha ha OWW yes I keep looking at the clip of him at work and thinking "ahhhhh just my type"

I am at risk of ONEITIS = en.wiktionary.org/wiki/oneitis

I think online dating gets the "not throwing up new possibilities" stage for me after a month or so in my age group, and depressing seeing same old faces! So meetup is compromise!

[keepcalmandkickon]

Eekkkk - got first real life meeting with someone I have been chatting to online in 54 mins! (currently sitting in towel and dressing gown)......am nervous which really isn't like me.....send me positive vibes please!

[Bant]

Woo.. You're gorgeous ... Woo .. You're funny and interesting ... Woo ... He'd be lucky to have you.

There. You've been wooed.

[Bant]

Don't forget loo update and tell us about him

[keepcalmandkickon]

ok just had message that he is going to be 15-20min late which is good as gives me a bit more time to get there without looking all flustered! Thanks everyone, will def update!

[KinNora]

Go knock his socks off Keep

[lurkinglorna]

bonne chance!