Page 33 | Who's going to start dating thread No57?

Bant · 30/06/2013 11:15

but broken you said he thought you weren't interested in him on the first date - that's why he kept looking at his watch, he said. Friday should have disabused him of that notion.

I'd really say it's his job to follow up, otherwise you may end up in a situation like a former poster on the thread who was doing all the chasing with someone who really wasn't that interested, it seemed, and was just sensing vulnerability and taking advantage of it when the mood took him. Not a nice situation to be in.

Go do something else in the meantime. Insouciance is the word here. He is not your world, you are the prize, he should be making an effort - if he doesn't he's really not worth your time and affection. You're worth more than that, surely.

KinNora · 30/06/2013 11:16

Oh and nuff respec' Bant for getting Schrödinger's Cat into a post

Bant · 30/06/2013 11:17

sure, PM me, broken

Bant · 30/06/2013 11:17

You can learn a lot from quantum mechanics...

brokenhearted55 · 30/06/2013 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhWesternWind · 30/06/2013 11:34

Broken it's lovely that he said nice things to you and I hope you will remember them and let them help give you confidence. But it's really not about what he says, it's about what he does. Talk is easy and for some people just a means to an end.

After your first date, you really weren't sure about him. Now it looks like there could be an issue with sex. I'd really advise you to walk away - this is far too much effort and worry when it should all be daft grins and walking on air at this stage.

Oh bugger Nora. He could be very creative in other ways though, maybe? If it gets desperate, though, you might find the Benedictine habit might be a little more flattering than all that brown.

Bant · 30/06/2013 11:40

broken - given what you PMd to me (just for the information of the rest of the thread), those issues in bed really aren't showstoppers and are just about two people getting to know each other. It sounds like it was good, actually.

but as OWW says, people can use flowery words but it doesn't mean anything compared to how someone acts.

We all want things to work out, but you need that thick skin in case it doesn't. It's not your fault if it doesn't. He does sound good though, maybe you'll get more comfortable with the eye-contact and physical contact when you get to know him more

KinNora · 30/06/2013 11:41

You certainly can, Mr B.

OWW - I thought it was slightly jumping the gun of him because there are no guarantees that either of us are going to want to make the beast with two backs, I agree with you, though there are plenty of alternative activities but occasionally I feel like I'm a magnet for men with issues.

Also agree about the brown, my school uniform was brown, I've avoided it ever since.

ALittleStranger · 30/06/2013 11:41

After your first date, you really weren't sure about him. Now it looks like there could be an issue with sex. I'd really advise you to walk away - this is far too much effort and worry when it should all be daft grins and walking on air at this stage.

I agree, although I would add coupled with the odd knowing wink to the camera to keep reality in check.

Nora that is a pain, but at least you can prepare yourself.

Bant · 30/06/2013 11:49

I rarely disagree with OWW and Stranger, but on this one, I think it sounds like it's actually going well. The daft grins can come shortly once he texts/calls.

It sounds like you're quite a shy person, broken and that can be difficult for people to read, so everyone acts a bit more defensively because you're not showing you're interested, which leads to more shyness etc etc.

If he's being open and honest, then you can move forward without the angst. This is the angsty bit, move past that and you should be okay. If he doesn't get in touch, then it's a hard lesson to learn but you've got to just treat it like a nice dinner and a bit of good sex with someone and find someone who understands you a bit better and isn't playing the same games as him.

If it's all angsty and odd after 5 or 6 dates, that's different. Everyone has done the nervous wait to be contacted after DTD the first time, it's okay to be nervous now. Just don't think badly of yourself if it doesn't happen.

ALittleStranger · 30/06/2013 11:57

Fair enough Bant, I think you're privy to a bit more information than the rest of us about the good bits.

I do think it's incumbent on people to try and minimise the angsty bit, which is why I think if you do want to see someone again it's polite to be in contact quite soon after DTD. It's not a secret that we can all dissolve into a hormonal mess of confusion is it?

ALittleStranger · 30/06/2013 12:02

Anyway Q, once you're a few (less than 10) dates in with someone is it more polite to be upfront if asked if you have another date, or to lie (Friday? Oh I'm meeting a friend for a drink"). And to be clear I explicitly don't want the exclusivity/what is this conversation.

Bant · 30/06/2013 12:04

no stranger - that's why there is that 3 day maximum thing. If it's longer than that then the man obviously doesn't care how the woman feels, which is not good, or he's game-playing, or both.

Personally, I'd tend to go for the next day, although I have texted/called within a couple of hours, even though it may make me look needy.

I know. Stupid, but we get hit by angst too.

OhWesternWind · 30/06/2013 12:06

Exactly Stranger all three of my dtd blokes have texted later the same night and again the next day, no pause for angst and confusion even though one of them proved to be a master at causing A&C later on.

But I am really glad that things seem to be going well Broken and if it's just getting to know each other stuff, then of course we all have to go through that. Fingers crossed for you love.

Must confess I am doing a bit of grinning etc at the moment and I've not even kissed the bugger. This isn't right.

ALittleStranger · 30/06/2013 12:10

Oh dear, I hope Snape didn't take the Crash Carp on holiday with her!

OhWesternWind · 30/06/2013 12:11

Stranger if you don't want that conversation then I think I'd just say I was off out for a drink - no lying! But I'd not really be that specific - ifsomeone asked if I could meet up Friday, and I had another date planned, I'd just say that Saturday was better for me. No need to get into it, really.

Bant · 30/06/2013 12:12

Hmm Stranger - if you confirm you have another date then basically you're either saying you don't want exclusivity ('yes I have another date and there's nothing you can do about, pal'), or giving an obvious opening for the exclusivity question ('I do have a date but could cancel if you want exclusivity'.

If someone asks you if you have another date, it's kind of giving the message that they're thinking about the exclusivity thing.

So, if someone asks if you have another date, you've either got to lie or be prepared to say no to exclusivity, which can end things if the other party wants it. Lying about it is putting off the inevitable.

That is all based upon how the question is asked, of course. If it's all earnest then I'd say that's correct. If it's jokey, it could be an opening for him to say he's got other dates too and he has a guilty conscience.

I presume you don't want to have the exclusivity conversation because you don't want it and think he would?

ALittleStranger · 30/06/2013 12:20

Hmm, sounds like it's better to obfuscate then.

I presume you don't want to have the exclusivity conversation because you don't want it and think he would?

Yeah pretty much, or at least not yet. Selfishly I don't want to cancel this other guy as it's a RL and I know we get on well at least when drunk, so I think I'm just in delaying mode. Which makes me feel a bit selfish. But people keep telling me all kinds of selfish behaviour is fair game until you've had The Chat. I don't think I'm a natural dater...

Newstart13 · 30/06/2013 12:31

Argh want to catch up properly but am late - why do I prioritising the school uniform.. Oh yeah I know..

Broken, hope he calls/texts I am trying to train myself to be strong. It's tough. Either way, try to remember it as a big stride forward.. You're clearly attractive and kind and lovely. Not your fault if he's not the right one.

So, am on my way to meeting the consultant for lunch, all organised by him, really on it. Lets see if I fancy him! If not, know we'll get on, we did on the phone... Oh help!!!!

General hello to this lovely supportive thread

Bant · 30/06/2013 12:36

loo update, newstart

I've been meaning to ask. Is that New Start, or News Tart?

brokenhearted55 · 30/06/2013 12:41

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OhWesternWind · 30/06/2013 13:01

Oooh good luck Newstart - definitely need a loo update!

Loads of reasons why not Broken - see above

brokenhearted55 · 30/06/2013 13:11

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OhWesternWind · 30/06/2013 13:15

Good luck with it Broken, really hope it all works out well.

roundwindow · 30/06/2013 13:28

Newbie butting in to wish newstart well too if that's OK... will be checking in later looking for update.

I can't tell you how helpful I'm finding this thread. Reading all your twists and turns and interpretations makes me feel about a million times better equipped to be in this weird swamp of codes and signifiers. Online dating seems to have its own language and culture which bear so little resemblance to anything else in my real life.

For me, it's been surprisingly fun so far, a HUGE ego-boost (came out of 15yr relationship last year, last time I was single I was 25 and you just snogged people at parties, thought I was completely over the hill, nice to know I'm not, yadda yadda) but not without its hidden dips. And it feels as though this thread is like a friendly hand pulling me quickly out of these pesky potholes so I can get back to stumbling along the surface.

Just, thanks