Who's going to start dating thread No57?

[akaWisey]

Or am I going to be 'one'

Brilliant Juliette. All manner of thing shall be well

I'm currently averaging one message for two of Alpha's and generally wait at least a couple of hours before replying. He usually waits ten minutes ... He always messages first in the morning and usually last at night. I know it's game playing and yes I know you shouldn't have to do it or just shouldn't do it full stop, but there is no way on this earth I am going to go chasing after a man again.

Hang in there 55. Luckily I'm busy tonight, said we'd make plans tomorrow morning so am going to trust that :-). Thx for the advice .

Any dates tonight??

at oww Jedi powers

Same with me OWW, I purposely wait before replying to Talent Show - this is tricky as my iPhone is my baby and is never far from my side and I don't like the arsing about, however, needs must.

I'm also waiting to see if dear old Talent asks when I'm planning on visiting rather than presenting him with possible dates/train times/hotels. This is killing me, I like being organised.

Agree in the early days wait for the man to text. Or you could do what I do sometimes, say 'I will text you'. Then don't for 3 or 4 days

Hello, you lovely-sounding people.

In and out lurker here, sticking my head out of my tent of wretchedness..

I love the dating rules. They're so brilliant, valuable, sensible. Whoever came up with them: thank you for being my rock of good sense which stands strong against the rabid tides of possibility and disappointment.

BUT: I've only gone and completely flouted them. What am I doing?

So there's a guy, let's call him Mr Intense. We've been e-mailing and texting for three weeks, have also spoken on the phone a couple of times. The tone of these messages has been ridiculously romantic. He built up very quickly into a flurry of effusive and stunningly-expressed declarations of interest. I've done my best to be more restrained in my enthusiasm but can't help but bask in the beauty of his words, so have kind of been egging him on, in my subtle (ish) way. I am utterly besotted, and feeling completely disbelieving all at the same time. I'm a wise 40 year-old, ffs, how can I feel this strongly about someone I've never even met? IT'S ALL BULLSHIT UNTIL IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS right?

We were due to meet up last weekend. He got ill and cancelled. I've been online dating before and have had my fair share of cancellers. I was very honest in my response, basically along the lines of: oh, this isn't happening then, I'm gutted, oh well. And he became even more passionate and effusive: I'm not a player, why would this be a ruse, I'm just as gutted as you, I'm truly truly ill etc etc. We have tentatively arranged to meet in the week.

I think I'm just here because this is the first evening I've had to reflect and I'm all WTF with myself and just wanted to share. I think I'm probably being played like a fiddle, but almost feel like I don't mind when it makes me feel like a bloomin Stradivarius (sp?) But I am more vulnerable than I'm letting on, I think. Much as I deny it on a conscious level I'm pretty sure I've become emotionally engaged, and am due for a massive, agonising withdrawal. Is a guy like this ever for real?

And what scares me is: have I become hooked on this ridiculous level of intensity? The romance (you would not believe the beauty of this guy's verbal seduction skills), the seeing of myself through that lens, the pining and the longing. How will reality ever shape up? Have I just set myself up to be chasing an impossibility for ever more?

I am a fool. Please tell me off.

(I am also a bit drunken-dramatic. Feel free to ignore me)

Roundwindow, from your post I would say you are well matched on the romantic wordiness of your correspondence . Declarations of love before you meet are ridiculous, however, I have heard of people emailing from across the waters and fell for each other the minute he stepped off the plane. I don't get it but you never know.

If he cancels again, block the knob.

Hello roundwindow I think you are sensible to be hesitant .. He may just be fond of messaging .. Arrange to meet him again and if he cancels you will know xx

Cross posted with scrazy but we said the same thing

Roundwindow, I'm a sucker for romance too. Stick with the rules though man, you know it makes sense! Wind your hopes down, so maybe when you meet him he has SOME chance of measuring up...

Yeah, soz about that, brevity and ginandtonic are not a combination I can achieve easily!

But thanks, sound advice. If he cancels then that's it.

Of course such declarations are ridiculous (I haven't, btw) Anyone care to tell me why I've completely lost my sanity? Anyone else care to share their own shameful learning experiences?

roundwindow I was contacted by a 6'4" New Yorker sent me lots of messages .. Promised me fish and chips on the mallaig steam train .. Begged me to go for dinner.. Vanished in a puff of smoke before the dinner .. Probably 5'2" called Shuggie from Airdrie lol

Hello Round as a fellow sufferer from what I'm thinking of terming Ridiculously Open to Flowery Language syndrome, I would say that hard as it is, you should take whatever he says with a huge pinch of salt.

I understand how impossible it seems, honest (I secretly see myself as Cathy Earnshaw) and I could show you achingly beautiful emails sent to me by the King of Unreliability but it is far better to set store by their actions.

(I hope it turns out differently for you though )

I don't think I have any iirc. One guy called me darling a couple of times and promised me the earth, I quite liked it, but never did meet him.

LT isn't prepared for us to split, we are still thrashing it out. He's living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks what he is offering will be fine forever, and I'm trying to come to terms with that.

roundwindow
hello - welcome to the thread :)

okay, there probably aren't going to be many people here encouraging you that it's all going to work out, sorry.
Point one. You haven't met the guy. This is itself a problem, there are thousands of people (and pretty much everyone on this thread) who have spoken on the phone, emailed, texted with someone, got all emotionally involved and then when they meet it's just... oh dear.. either no spark at all or they're 15 years older than the photos, shorter, uglier, fatter, balder, in a wheelchair without having mentioned it (in one memorable case from here).. many of which can be disregarded if you really love the guy but that brings me on to:

Point two. You don't know him. You haven't seen the way he speaks, the fact that he's copying and pasting what he says to you from other emails, the fact that he's hiding his iphone from his wife when he messages you, the fact that the reason he canceled is because he didn't get the compassionate leave from HMP Belmarsh he was expecting..

Point three. Everyone is wittier, funnier, more intelligent behind a keyboard. In person, not so much

Point four - being so intense early on is a MAJOR red flag, especially combined with canceling. Even if he was ill, have you skyped him? Try doing that.

Point five - you're setting yourself up for a fall here. The Rules are just guidelines, warnings from bad experiences all of us have had. The 'it's all BS until it happens' could be broken down into more points - the vanishers, the seducers, the marrieds, the midgets, the ishoos - so many ways things can go wrong just in the first few minutes of a first date, let alone several dates in.

Sit back, take a deep breath or two, and set up another date with someone else. Let this guy do all the chasing and let him prove himself. He's probably going to fail. I'd really like to say good luck but it sounds like he's actually showing so many signs of being the mayor of red-flagville that that may not be the best thing to say..

And obviously, if the date does happen, we need a loo update

Aw, thanks guys. I knew it'd be helpful to check in with y'all. Kirsty that's sounding scarily like a possible parallel situation... KinNora thank you for your kind expressions of hope, but yeah, huge pinch of salt indeed.

Very good to remind myself.. to stand twitchily before the wisdom panel

Bant .

Skype could be a good tool. Mercury recommends it, but I've done it before, well MSN in the olden days and was still disappointed in RL.

Wow, thanks Bant for taking the time to offer me much-needed food for thought... the truth, as is often the case, is unappetising but highly nutritious. I know you're all right deep down. Just....

I'm wondering if there's anything good I can take away from this. How I've let myself feel... is that something I can now strive for in a more healthy set-up? Do I have a renewed sense of what drives me? Or is it just a case of 'drugs is bad! Just say no!' I dunno, but again, thanks all.

I'm enjoying reading about all your adventures too, it's not all me me me y'know

yes I've found skype helpful, but whenever anything good happened in OD it always seemed like serendipity.

on which: broken you haven't texted him have you? Be honest

Hello Round and welcome to the thread.

If you've been lurking a while, you might have seen me talking about the guy who wanted me to wee on his willy - he started off a bit like this too. Nuff said.

Actually, it's so easy to get a bit carried away. We've all done it and I'm worried I'm doing it again now. You know, we are all out there looking for something, and if someone comes along who promises you love and romance (if that's what you're after) then it's incredibly easy to be seduced by it all, because there is a huge part of you that wants it to be true. He's preaching to the converted. But like Bant says, this is someone you've never met, and until you do, and see if that connection is actually there in person, then it's all bullshit. And the connection could be there, it really could, it's just very unlikely. The more you invest before meeting them, the more disappointed you're likely to be.

I think you are spot on though - you've shown yourself that you are capable of having feelings for someone and taking that capacity for deep and intense emotion and using it with someone who you have genuine and mutual feelings for could lead you to a very passionate and loving relationship. Just go steady and take your time with it all.

and don't wee on his willy

Think we should add that to the rules, Bant

guidelines, oww, they're just guidelines.. We don't want to come across all puritanical