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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

oooh i feel ridiculous

441 replies

ImNotBloody14 · 21/06/2013 20:21

So silly. I'm a NCing regular. and a real proper grown up, I swear

I fancy someone. But I cant get up the guts to let him know or even to contact him. I've added him on FB (it's taken me months to build up to that) and he accepted. he's liked a few of my posts and a photo. I keep seeing him online (butterflies) and want to make contact but cant think of anything to say that isn't a blatant excuse to get talking to him. AFAIK he's single- well it says so on his FB.

arrgh this is so frustrating. if this was my best friend she would be chatting away to him no problem.

don't know what i'm posting for- just need to get this out of my head.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 21/07/2013 23:21

I really dont think so terra- he has a great sense of humour and was always teasing me about stuff.

OP posts:

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/07/2013 23:26

Have you had a chance to talk, even sort of casually, about whether either of you would prefer a casual or more serious type of relationship?

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 21/07/2013 23:28

No we havent talked about it

OP posts:

Numberlock · 22/07/2013 09:15

Why am i so shit at finding nice men?

Of course you're not shit at finding nice men but based on your statement below...

I really dont want to go down the casual route

... I think you need to make it clearer from the start about what you do and don't want. And I don't mean having the 'chat' before the first date but by demonstrating how you expect dating to go.

Make it clear that you want to date in the traditional sense and are worth putting in the effort - eg dinner dates, cinema, art gallery, something where he is required to put in an effort and organise something that he knows you like, eg you mentioned you love Thai food/French films/want to see the new Monet exhibition etc.

I know the difficulties of dating with children but I think just going to each other's houses for the first dates is a no-no based on the above, it requires no effort and gives the impression you want something casual. Better to wait till you've got a babysitter and can do it properly. (Ditto with the lunch thing.)

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 22/07/2013 12:30

Yes i see what you mean numberlock and i think you're right. I guess i didnt even consider that how we spent time together was sending any sort of message about what i wanted. I just wanted to get to know him.

OP posts:

Numberlock · 22/07/2013 14:59

Well just remind yourself it's nothing you've done wrong, there could be all sorts of other things going on in his life that you're not aware of.

He could have thought he was ready for a relationship again but then realised he wasn't. There could be an ex somewhere on the scene that you don't know about.

Just a shame he didn't have the balls to send you a text to say "It's been lovely spending time with you, sorry I've decided not to take things further. Take care."

Will you be seeing him around soon at your joint activity?

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 22/07/2013 15:30

Not til september which is good altough its likely I will see him about town or on his way to work.

OP posts:

sipofwine · 22/07/2013 20:50

I have to say I am pretty gutted about this, I'm Not! (well, you know, if you're not having exciting romance in your life, enjoy someone else's fun, I say!) It wouldn't have occurred to me that I was giving him the wrong impression about being casual by dating in each other's homes, I just would have thought it best option with small children, etc. However, i do see Numberlock's point now and feel she could be right. The only thing is, though, maybe you would never have got it together if you'd had to plan dates out as it could have just taken too long to organise. Would you not consider texting him a friendly message along the lines of 'hi, how are you?' type thing, but in the daytime? That way, he knows you're still open to being friendly (if you are) and can reply soberly and not just in a way that makes you think he's just after a shig? I'm soooo bad at reading signals/understanding men but I wonder if he thinks you've gone off him because you didn't reply to his booty call (sorry, hate that phrase!) text, if indeed that's what it was. Maybe he was just being a bit weird and then realised he was being distant, for whatever reason, when he was drunk, hence the late-night text? Is he young? I ask because I'm a bit of an old bag so still don't really understand text 'rules'.

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 22/07/2013 21:46

He is young, 21. Ive been wondering if i should send a ' hi, im good thanks, how are you' text in response to his but then i wondered what if he doesnt even remember sending that message! If he was drunk he might have forgotten all about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 22/07/2013 22:28

Ok as teenagerish as this sounds ( i swear i am not 14) he's just liked my fb status- that was nothing to do with him or directed at him - he hasnt been doing that for a while i've just realised. Is this him reminding me he exists?

OP posts:

TheSilverySoothsayer · 22/07/2013 22:48

I was wondering about FB. I think this is a v good sign (though am old gimmer) What of his statuses and posts? can you like them or add a witty remark?

Not the same, but when young adult DD and I fell out, we recovered it via FB as described above.

Am 60 btw but due to new bloke I too feel teenagerish - although 17 not 14

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 22/07/2013 22:51

I think if im going to make any contact i'll do it by text- i dont want to pussy foot around it- id rather know if there was potential or not

OP posts:

Wittsend13 · 22/07/2013 23:52

Love this thread! I'd text him along the lines of...

Hey stranger..Everything alright?

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 22/07/2013 23:55

I think i'll text him tomorrow something along those lines. Its too late now.

OP posts:

Numberlock · 23/07/2013 06:28

Noooooo! Don't text him!!!!

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 23/07/2013 11:34

See! Im so useless with this stuff- i never know whats right

OP posts:

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 23/07/2013 12:07

No don't text him, if he likes you he will text you.

I think.

Woodenpeg · 23/07/2013 12:09

You want to know - then ASK. Really... then you can then either draw the line, or get going on real proper dates!!!

Life is too short. It's making you all sorts of confused... there is no need to prolong it, unless you want to.

Either that, or take his silence and move on...

I hope it turns into something magical though!

Numberlock · 23/07/2013 12:46

With every respect, it's hardly likely to turn into something magical when he's not texted in a week apart from when he was pissed and wanted a shag...

What good can come of texting really?

OP: (As per suggestion above) Hey stranger, everything alright?
Him: Yeah, great thanks.

Then what?

The only valid response he could give is that he'd been abducted by aliens for a week, hence couldn't text which we know isn't true as he texted on Saturday.

Sorry but you need to let this one go.

scratchandsniff · 23/07/2013 13:44

Iif he's only 21 he probably just wants something quite casual rather than getting into a relationship. If you are after a relationship then I would look back on the last couple of weeks as a bit of fun and move on.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 23/07/2013 14:48

^ what they said. Don't text him.

Men are generally pretty simplistic when it comes to dating. If he wants to see you/be in a relationship then he will MAKE IT HAPPEN.

You'll only feel worse if you text and get nothing/not what you want back.

Original poster

ImNotBloody14 · 23/07/2013 14:53

I get what you are all saying. But what if he's thinking the same thing? I.e if she wants to be with me she'd have been in touch. What i he meant his fb 'like' to be a first move and is leaving it up to me to respond or not respond?

OP posts:

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 23/07/2013 14:59

No, you are just over thinking it now, if he wanted to go out he would text you, even after one ignored (drunken) text, he would text, honest, a guy did the same to me, by the time he texted me I was over him.

Numberlock · 23/07/2013 15:13

What i he meant his fb 'like' to be a first move and is leaving it up to me to respond or not respond?

Come on, surely you don't think the whole (non)-relationship is hanging on a FB 'like'... You're clutching at straws now.

I can't remember if you said he had children too?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 23/07/2013 15:27

Oh so he has liked something on Facebook, sorry I missed that, I still wouldn't text him first maybe like something back, this is why I don't get emotionally involved anymore.

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