Being single

[blackbirdatglanmore]

This is a spin off from another thread on here which made me realise several of us were in the same boat.

When you split up with a partner, or express anxiety about the years ahead, either because you want a baby or just worry about being alone, one of two responses tends to be made.

The first response is that you WILL meet somebody, it is easy, the person you're talking to has and they know an aunts friends neighbour who did. If you've been alone some time the response becomes accusatory and tells you that you haven't made the effort and you need to 'put yourself out there.' For most people this means online dating or 'clubs'.

The second response is that you should be happy for beng single - grateful in fact, because they had an abusive partner some years ago and are happier without him and if you're lonely maybe you should join a club.

This thread is for single women in the real world. To take the first response, you may meet somebody, that is true. However, for some of us we know its unlikely. In my case it is my age. I am mid-thirties, most men my age are settled with a marriage, a mortgage and children. Younger men want younger women. I joined mysinglefriend last year (online dating site) and the numbers of hugely attractive, professional women in their thirties was significant. I got nowhere with that, one date and we had little in common. I have since spoken to many women who have admitted online dating wasn't for them, and nor was it for me. I am a slow burner and can't feign affection for somebody on the basis of one meeting. That leaves meeting someone in 'real life' which is not easy. Certainly all (I'm really not exaggerating) the men I meet are attached.

While you can be happy alone, and I am, it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. My social life is restricted and I spend a lot of time alone because my friends are married with babies/small children. Holidays are difficult. I don't get to enjoy any intimacy (I wouldn't like one night stands) and while I've taken the step of deciding to have a child alone, for other women accepting single hood means accepting being childless which would break my heart.

The advice to 'put yourself out there' and join clubs is well meaning but doesn't account for the lack of 'clubs' - certainly around here the clubs are for young mothers and for retired people! Not quite what I am looking for!

'Get a pet' is also advice that can be very upsetting. I have two cats, they are much loved animals but they are not a people substitute and should not be viewed as such.

Sme people assume you are single because on some subconscious level you are damaged and shy fom intimate relations. There was perhaps some truth in that for me once, but in the last seven years I have worked with men who I found attractive and who I was drawn to. If they'd asked, I'd have said yes - but they didn't - why, because of their girlfriends.

So I am starting this thread in an attempt to:

dispel the myths about why women are single
to give us a safe place to moan without being ordered to join clubs!
discuss matters pertaining to single women.

I hope someone else posts now!

I agree its good to hear others who are single talking about it

I know so few people in RL who arent married and that is one thing I would like to change

I was single and childless for quite a few years, but I didn't particularly want DC. I had sort of come to the conclusion that I wouldn't be having any, because I liked my life as it was (own flat, lots of mates, could do what I wanted). Though I have thought, since having DS, that I was lucky in that I missed out on the 'OMG got to find the father of my kids-to-be' business.

And, for the younger ones on here: I got PG accidentally at the age of 39. So it is not completely impossible to have babies after you turn 35, you probably do have a bit longer than you think.

Blackbird i totally relate to this thread - i'm 36 and every 'normal' (ie. non-addicted, non-weird) man i meet of any age group is married or has a girlfriend!!!

I'm lonely and sick of getting the ''you will meet someone'' advice i've been given since i was 16! I never do ''meet someone'' - i've had dates, flings, very short-term boyfriends...and no-one at all since the last 4 years.

I desperately want children and i'm very aware that time is running out too.

I have the added complication of recovering from serious mental health problems.
Sometimes i just want to give up and i've had enough.

Different issues for those of us with/without children but still there is room for all single people on this thread! the more the merrier, literally, I'm sick of being the lone freaky single person.

Me too. I certainly didn't say the thread was 'only' for the single and childless - it isn't only for the single for that matter, rather it is about issues single people face.

I do feel lonely at the moment. Had a meal out with friends but the weekend looms a bit ...

Tonight I was out with work colleagues and surprised how many of us were single. Even the long married woman who suddenly disclosed to me he'd left her. But yep weekends are hard. As long as I've got at least one friend to see I cope. Have you got anything arranged blackbird ? I try to take pleasure even in cleaning. And a pot of tea. Sad but true

Good thread OP. I can really relate to this. I became single in my early 30s and have now been single for 7 years. Initially I wasn't ready to meet anyone but then went through a stage when I thought that of course I would - because everyone does... Except that I haven't even though I am ok looking, etc. And so now I don't think I ever will. I am ok with that most of the time, and I have a lovely DC. But gosh, sometimes I do feel like I am some sort of alien creature... The time I wasn't single feels like a different lifetime.

Joblot -me too - I try to take pleasure in small things and actually my life if pretty good in many ways. But yes, it would be fabulous to have someone to hold my hand and make weekend plans with. I try not to dwell on it, but those feelings do well up at least once every weekend.

There are two main reasons why I'm single:

1. I love being single, I much prefer it to being in a relationship. I love my freedom and being able to do exactly what I want when I want and I can devote my life to doing the things I love and following my passions. I feel more comfortable and more myself as a single person.

1. Men are always a big disappointment.

I think I would feel differently and possibly consider looking for a relationship if I didn't have a child and good friends. I think loneliness drives women into crappy relationships.

I think whether we have children or not being single in a world where it is expected that we must have a partner is the challenge. I agree that not having DC and wanting them knowing that having them may never happen is a different kettle of fish.

This weekend is the first one where I have nothing planned - I have a bad head cold and am in bed feeling sorry for myself. I think if I had a man in my life he could at least look after me? Then I remember ex and how shit he was if I was ill.

So my dog is playing nursemaid by giving me her company and the odd lick from time to time. Useless in getting me a cup of tea, mind...

I am tired of married friends saying that I need to be happy alone before this magical man will appear ( he is just round the corner dontcha know!) and be the man I have been waiting for all my life! I am quite happy in myself, thanks!

I am meeting another new bloke on Monday. Still in touch with another who seems ok but I need to see him more before I decide.
I am meeting a fair number of men anywhere so at least being proactive.
Activities don't cut it for me. OD it is.

I was single for a long time, between the ages of 27 and 37. did have the odd boyfriend, a few months at a time and also lived in London, where there was no shortage of men, but none of them right.

I met DP through a family friend, but he lived in France. To make it work, I gave up everything and moved to France. Was extremely tough initially and we have DS who is almost 3 and 5 years later, it was worth it, even though we have our moments.

The point(s) i am trying to make are, do not expect to do the same thing and have a different result (in my case living in a big city and trying to meet men)

A lot of my friends were actually quite focused on marrying and had found their future husbands by about 28 / 30 at the latest even if they didn't marry for a few years.

It is completely sexist, but your 20s are the best time for the widest selection of men. I wish someone had warned me. 2nd time around (as in my DP's case) there is always "baggage" ex-wives, DSC's to consider.

I know what you mean, Squidgy. My mum died when I was doing my A levels and at university I was quite unhappy and comfort ate a lot, with the result I gained 4 stone in the three years I was there! Unsurprisingly I didn't get much male interest but to be honest my confidence was so low that if someone did try to talk to me I thought it was a wind up. Then, as now, I had no shortage of female friends but as they all got boyfriends I ended up waiting patiently and listening to their tales of woe.

I lost the weight after leaving, and had a strange two years doing an MA and then my teacher training, living a pretty unconventional lifestyle while doing so! I certainly met some 'characters' while doing this but no one suitable for a relationship and my focus was survival, getting through on a day to day basis. I then started my first teaching job but it wasn't in a sociable sort of school and I was the only younger member of staff. After that year I bought a house, got a new job as I hated mine and gradually (very gradually) carved a semblance of a life for myself - but by then I was 25 and already men were starting to be 'claimed'. I would describe my life as settled at 28 but by then relationships were the done thing and marriage in many cases.

It hasn't been easy. I wish I could go back and do it all again differently but I can't.

I was chatting with my friend yesterday. She is engaged but she is my one friend who I know 'gets' it. She was single for a about 4 years and turned 30 whilst she was single. She said it was quite liberating to know that she hadn't achieved what society expected. And I think it is society, we feel pressured because the 'norm' is to be in a couple. We also talked about soulmates and she agreed that it was crap and really it's about who you meet and think you're quite nice, I think I could tolerate you

This is a great thread.

I've been single for 3 years and have a DD. I've found the split with her dad really hard primarily because I want more DC. Had my first (unsuccessful) date since him this week (OD).

I wish someone would try to set me up with their neighbour's cousin/BIL's friend or whatever. No one has ever said anything to me about how I ought to find someone, although I do of course get the platitudes about how I'll meet someone when I least expect it, I just have to be happy on my own first.

I have now come to the realisation that my friends, family and people from work just don't seem to think I should meet someone. Because my DD is still quite small and I'm quite boring calm and introverted, plus the breakup was quite traumatic, I think they somehow see me as a mum and nothing else.

Even the guy I met this week seemed to think this way. When I told him about DD he said that she should be a big part of my life, and his life wasn't in the right place for that. Well, duh - of course she is a big part of my life, I have no problem with that and I love it. But somehow people don't seem to think I should date. As if I wouldn't be capable of being a mother AND having a relationship or even just meaningless sex.

Not sure I've explained that very well. It's as if people think it would be morally wrong for me to go out with someone.

Has anyone else encountered this?

Just reading your update blackbird try not to have regrets, I don't think that you have done anything wrong. We are very similar, I bought my house and focused on my career and saw that my friends were settling down, having babies etc. but I'm happy that I've done this on my own, yes it would have been nice to share it with someone but I'd rather do it alone than with the wrong person. A couple of friends who settled with a guy and had a baby are now experiencing awful situations - one's boyfriend was abusive and she recently found out that he was cheating and planning in moving the new woman into her home. So she is a single mom now. The other is with a partner who drinks to excess and she is quite isolated with the baby as she doesn't drive. Neither are fully happy, but they had / have a relationship and a baby, so to them that was all that mattered, but I wouldn't want to be I that situation, I'd rather have lived my life the way I have and be single but knowing that I'm independent and can make my own rules. Sometimes I think seeing bad relationships has put me off and made me more adamant that I don't want a relationship.

I know what you mean there, Venus.

Certainly on the surface of it, my friends have very happy relationships and have DHs who worship them In some ways, I feel I have so much to offer a relationship but the interest just isn't there - not sure why.

Agree dont think about going back and how you would do things differently

Yes I think the combination of my own experiences with men, closer inspection of relationships around me and MN play a bit part in my keeping to myself and single.

I wonder if I met someone though who I fancied if all that would all fly out the window. It seems like another lifetime thinking about men and dressing up,flirting etc and all the drama of love.

It's as if people think it would be morally wrong for me to go out with someone

Yes I get that, although for different reasons. I dont have DCs and I'm the 'career' person in the family. I think Im oversensitive probably, but its almost as if people around me assume I don't need or have the right to have "normal" needs for affection etc.

Although I lurked on the thread which started this one(If Im right about that!) and agreed with opsters who were getting cross about THAT OP saying her "want" for affection was a need which justified an affair with a married man. I've never stooped that low thank goodness.

If nothing else I hope it's helping the unhappily-single to see how many other single women there are. If all your friends are in couples it can be pretty isolating and make you feel like you're 'abnormal' when actually you're not.

BNut do bear in mind that this is a feminist issue, that it's men who need a female partner to service them domestically, and that is why the propaganda insists that women are the ones who can't be alone and have somehow failed if they are not owned 'loved' by a man. The myth of the single man being so desperately desirable and sought after and frisking around refusing to be 'caught' doesn't really stand up when you think of all the men living in smelly bedsits eating Pot Noodles in their underpants and whining bitterly about women who put them 'in the Friend Zone', while the perennial complaint from swingers clubs is always that there are too many single men wandering around with their dicks in their hands, creeping people out. Whereas most single women have friends, careers, nice homes, full lives etc.

I couldn't agree with you more SGB; I find myself nodding along with most of your posts.

It is massively helpful for me to "meet" (in the online sense at any rate) other ladies in my position, because as most of us have said on this thread, it's something you simply CAN'T talk about in real life and that is perhaps the most isolating aspect of it. Either you are single and thrilled to be so, it's an active choice, or you are not and therefore aren't trying hard enough.

I have accepted being single, but I'm not sure I'm "thrilled" to be so; like anything else, I'm making the best out of my circumstances but it doesn't mean I wouldn't change the circumstances themselves if I could.

This is turning out to be such an interesting thread.

Totally agree people tell each other very unhelpful "stories" about being single, as in "Afraid of dying alone? Try Zumba!", "Haven't met a man? You don't love yourself enough!" People tell each other very unhelpful stories about being in relationships too - "Man grumpy, moody and unpleasant to you? Work on communicating better with him and helping him de-stress!" The common theme to all of them is that the woman should be doing something better and then she wouldn't have this problem. It can never be just that her situation sucks through no fault of her own.

Sorry if I sound a bit "wot about the marriedz" there, I'm not trying to do that, I'm just following on SGB's point about feminism I guess.

No, I agree, and hadn't really made that link before! It's all about the woman, it's the woman's fault and the woman should be doing something about it! Never the man!

Yes! Why is it the woman's fault?

Everything is the whole wide world is the woman's fault ever since Eve tempted Adam.

SGB genuinely inspired me to be happy being single and question any initial thoughts I had about being a 'failure' when I first became single and 'needing a man'.

It is so liberating and I agree with whoever said you can get immense satisfaction, reassurance, love, fun, validation and pretty much any thing else you require from friendships and family.

The only thing is sex. And surely we can all agree that everyone can get a shag if they really want to. Maybe there is a notion that sex is better in a trusting relationship. I'm not sure that is entirely true either........