Dating thread 56 all welcome

[Kirstywirsty]

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
3. Trust your gut instinct;
4. If it is not fun, stop

From what I've heard, as Rose admitted, some men and women, without DC's prefer not to date single parents because of the ex always in the background. Suppose you call it 'baggage'

I imagine these types are idealistic and hope the start from scratch re children.

I prefer people in the same boat as me re DC's mine is grown up but there are still some issues, even now. LT doesn't have DC's so if free to go away at the drop of a hat as I am now. I dated other single dads when mine was little, in some ways it was easier, in some ways not. Different parenting styles etc annoyed me too.

I am honestly not worried about paedophiles targetting my children because I am on a couple of OD sites. This is so unlikely to happen that in my view it's not even worth thinking about. Not bothered about the shag and run merchants either. It's all a matter of being wary, proceeding at a speed you're comfortable with and not ignoring red flags just because a man is good in other ways.

I'm not bothered if a man has children or not - a lot of men I date tend to be fathers, just because of the age group I'm in (40s) and so it's relatively unusual for a man not to have children. Alpha doesn't, though, and that doesn't put me off as he seems to understand about lack of spontaneity etc. Equally, I've had single fathers who have a lot of child-free time expecting me to be able to meet them the next day. The thing that would be a big issue for me would be a single father who didn't see much/anything of his children - have met one of these and it was a factor in why I didn't carry on.

The parenting styles thing is a matter for a long, long time down the line.

OWW I agree! The only DC dad situation that would bother me is one where he didnt see his children at all / much (without good reason)

You all make good points. Have now changed my profile, and number of matches has gone down a bit. Oh well.

Bant Why does it bother you that she doesn't seem passionate about many things? Just wondering.

I'm feeling a bit crappy and hopeless now. Really don't want my life to be like this for the next 15+ years.

bant I think I've replied. Probably three times. Again! Thank you x

Hrrrm - if you are feeling crappy and hopeless after one online date, I have to question whether you are "in the right place" right now to do online dating? Read The Rules at the top of the page.

Oh very excited, lunch time surfing on PoF has thrown up a star! I luff him already. He has some bits of English as She is Spoke on his profile (probably won't mean a lot to most people but I can quote from this extensively and at length) so have just sent him a message in EASIS-ese. Hope I've not misinterpreted or else I will look like a total illiterate weirdo. Oooooh. Right, excitement over, I know it will come to naught but isn't it lovely when you see a flash of kindred-spirit-ness on these sites?

Hrrrm don't despair, it gets us all like this sometimes. I was having a bit of a wobble last week about it all. The thing to do is to have several men lined up so that if/when one goes nowhere then you're not left starting from scratch. What site(s) are you on? I would really recommend PoF as a free site despite its cock-shotty reputation - I've had some very good dates off here, just as good as Match which is the only other site I've been on. You just have to be a little more selective.

And just keep posting on here.

Hrrm the matches you have lost wouldn't have worked anyway. Narrowing the field can be a good thing.

There will be people who prey on vulnerable people on sites. It's why I worry about people who make it clear they've been dicked around by men. The trick is to have good boundaries and be alert to odd behaviour. If someone wanted to meet your kid early on I imagine that would be cause for concern.

I've been single for several years and am now getting my divorce started. So if I'm not in the right place now, I never will be.

I'm on POF. Lots of men but slim pickings in my small city.

Jessica - I think I found my first OD date rejection the hardest to cope with. Despite advice from other people, it's so easy to imagine that you'll be the exception to the rule and meet someone wonderful first time out. I was shocked, honestly, that the guy didn't want to see me again although with hindsight and a good few months dating behind me I can very well see why. But it's so easy to get carried away with things, especially in the early days. It's taken me a long time to develop my nonchalance and insouciance and other Frenchified emotions and basically stop caring as much and see the first date for what it is ie a mutual interview process with a bit of chat and alcohol thrown in to pretend it's something else. Recognising that and getting rid of some of the more romantic imaginings can be a dash of cold water and doesn't happen straight away.

I think in my situation having DCs does put a lot of men off but agree with Bant, best to get it out in the open and avoid disappointment down the line. My DCs are my world and if someone else views them as 'baggage' then I don't want that person in my life anyway! I think there is a balance to be struck, I don't like reading profiles that are all about someone's DCs. I like to know if someone has children but initially I want to get to know the person - all the kiddie stuff comes much, much further down the line.

I dated a guy for a few months who had DCs and it was a nightmare! He had massive guilt issues about spending time with my DCs when he felt he should have been with his own. It's made me a lot more wary about dating someone with kids but hasn't put me off completely.

Hrrrm - online dating is an emotional rollercoaster. Don't let one date ruin it, dust yourself down and trust mr wonderful is waiting somewhere!

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Was supposed to be meeting a guy tomorrow eve for a first date (we're supposed to be going to a gig that he's bought tickets for), it was arranged 2 weeks ago. Trouble is, since then I've met a guy twice and I really like him. I don't want to invest emotionally too soon but I just don't want to meet anyone else right now. Should I be honest and just offer to give him the money for the ticket?

I agree with OWW, first rejection was the hardest! I made it even worse by sleeping with him twice before being dumped on the grounds that I had DCs (which he knew about in advance, git!) - I learnt the hard way that lots of men are only after one thing!

SDP have you slept with this other guy? If not I'd be inclined to go to the gig. If you do want to cancel I'd be honest and present it as a virtue. But you lose the right to go back to him if first guy doesn't work out.

OWW I think you're right that the first rejection is inevitably tough. No matter how much good advice you have it's impossible not to get carried away until life teaches you better.

SDP - Dating a couple of guys at the same time without an exclusive talk is fine in some people's book, not in others. But you say you REALLY like the guy you've seen twice and don't want to meet anyone else. So, you should clearly not go on the date with the other guy. Don't think it would be fair to him because your heart will certainly not be in it and if the gig was expensive you should offer to pay for the ticket. It's not like cancelling a restaurant reservation.

Superdooper Ouch, that was a bit crappy of him!
I think if last night's guy hadn't been quite so nice, I wouldn't find this so hard. The only thing marginally wrong with him that I can think of is perhaps that he talked a bit much.
ExH kept saying that if he rejects me for having DD, he can't be that great. Now that's an odd conversation to have with your ex!

SDP - hmm. conflicting advice.

It is possible to be seeing two people who you both like. Maybe you'll go to the gig and be so impressed by his air-guitar (not a euphemism) that you'll forget what it was you saw in the other guy. Unlikely, but you're not exclusive so there is a very strong chance the guy you like is still dating other people too.

However, you could view this as a way of testing how much you like the other guy.

You don't owe the gig guy anything. If you cancel it's only fair you pay for the ticket, but you're not making any promises - all you're doing is meeting him to see if you like him more than the other guy.

Until you've at least DTD, and ideally had the exclusivity chat, you don't need to feel guilty if you like the band you're seeing.

oh and Hrrm I just like people who get enthusiastic about something - new bands, books they've read, science, art, cooking - someone who feels passion for something other than their job or their family.

Someone who gets in animated discussions with friends about the works of Tolkien, or the early works of the Kinks, or something like that.

If it's someone who only wants to talk about what was on TV last night, or the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre, they're probably not for me.

Hahahaha @ the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre! Fair enough, that makes sense. I find I'm usually drawn to people with interests that go beyond tv etc.

although my quoting Alan Partridge there kind of defeats my own point, really

This is why it's best not to plan too much until at least the 2nd date or you might feel beholden if you want to cancel.

I thought the programme last night was watchable. 1 in 4 will meet someone for a 3 month + relationship but it could take on average 800 odd messages/exchanges. That's only 3 months +, hardly a success rate is it?

Look forward to next Tuesday and see how they get on with first dates.

Bant I agree passion is good. Some people just don't have it though and it can become wearing after a while as they can just put a dampener on your own enjoyment when you come through the door bursting in wonder about something or other. If she can't get passionate about a picnic (if you get to it) you'll know.

Not sure if I'll get to the picnic to be honest Juliette. I'm meeting PinkHat, another Hungarish, tonight for drinks.

As I've left the 'let me know when you're free for that meal' in CheshireCat's court, and she basically never initiates contact, I don't know if I'll hear from her. It's annoying seeing as she keeps telling me (when I make contact) how funny I am and she's really looking forward to seeing me, then just doesn't follow through.

There is a line between playing hard to get (if that's what she's doing) and acting disinterested. It would be nice if she would make some move but at the moment I can't be arsed to keep on making them.

PinkHat at least appreciates my stories about jumping goats, even if she wants to teach me how to eat healthily and not smoke.

She also describes herself as 'very attractive' on Match, which for some reason rubs the wrong way. She does look it, but it's a case of not having the British sense of modesty. Hmm.

Busy, busy, busy on here today then.

Penguin I'm another one who says go to the gig, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a few people at the same time unless you've had the exclusivity chat.

Men with/without children probably ranks lower than correct use of apostrophes in my screening criteria (yes, I know this is a shocking indictment of my priorities ).

Not that arsed about veggies either but I don't think I'd do a vegan - 105 Ways With Soy Milk ? Not for me.

Snape I do that pasta with pine nuts and feta thing but I chuck in roasted sweet potato too (and crispy bacon for non-veggies) - it's vair nice.

Hrrrm the trick, I think, is to see OD as an entertaining hobby as much as you possibly can, that's really hard but it saves you a lot of pain. That way you can be pleasantly surprised when you meet someone you want something more serious with.

Still radio silence from Showbiz, perhaps his fingers have all been amputated in a freak beard trimming/boat shoe accident. Whatevs.

Currently talking to some bloke whose opening gambit was to suggest that I'd photoshopped my profile photo/lied about my age.
He's now trying to rescue the situation, it's making me laugh.