Dating thread 56 all welcome

[Kirstywirsty]

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
3. Trust your gut instinct;
4. If it is not fun, stop

I know, he's really not a bad person for having this rule for himself. In a way I envy him for having such firm boundaries. It's just frustrating that other people assume children make things more difficult than they actually do. It's the same with my friends. They still assume I can't go on nights out because I have to look after DD.

I feel quite bad that the guy probably thinks I was misleading him and that he wasted his time.

I'd also not want to date a single dad, to be honest. Total double standards, I know. This is poo.

and he possibly wants to date a woman without kids for a couple of reasons.

Firstly because he wants to be able to go on long exotic holidays with them, secondly because he wants to meet someone to have kids with - and for it to be the first time for both of them. Both of those are perfectly valid reasons, but may not be true.

And if someone wants to only date transvestites with green hair and a ford montego, that's up to them. All we have to do is accept they're probably not for us, and move on to the rest. It's not about you, it's about them. They're allowed to have their preferences, same as you're allowed yours.

so out of interest, why don't some of you want to date a man with kids?

Hrrrm - they assume that, very often, because in the past they have found that in some cases children DO make things very difficult to date and can make it hard to find enough time to see someone. Am actually a bit surprised that you yourself don't want to date single dads but don't "get it" that a man may not want to date a single mum. I think you need to be as honest on your profile as you can and as honest as you would expect others to be.

Yes Bant, I know.

The reason why I'd prefer someone without children is that my parenting approach is a bit 'out there' (attachment parenting type stuff) and is find it difficult to watch someone else parent their DC in a way that I have decided against. I find it difficult to listen to my neighbours' DD when they do controlled crying and shout at her to finish her food. Being in a relationship with someone who potentially might parent their DC in that way would be uncomfortable I think.

Although it might be nice for DD to get to know other DC quite closely. I'll certainly have to think about it a lot more.

Mine is just more emotional than that. At some point I think I'll want children and I want to share the experience of having a first child with someone.

So that should mean a fling with a single dad is OK, but I think putting that on my profile would draw out all kinds of unwanted offers!

I want a man that does have children. We are all different. For me it means they'll have some idea what being a parent involves and understand that you can't always be spontaneous. Also I really don't want any more children.

Hrrrm - that's part of the perils of dating. I have my own way of acting with my DC, very similar to my XWs way of course, and seeing other people act differently with their kids is very strange - I would be very put off someone by seeing them shout at their kids to finish food, but it's all down to personal comfort levels. Families get into routines, and accepting someone else into that routine is tough.

But, it's not up to anyone else how you raise your kids. If they don't like it, explain it's not really their business and break it off if need be. You're thinking way too far ahead. Single fathers will be more likely to accept a single mum, and anyone you would have a potential future with will accept your way of parenting. Someone with no DC will find it even harder to understand than someone with kids of their own.

I would have assumed that people with no DC want someone else in the same life situation as them (i.e. no DC) and people with them would prefer people with them, with the possibility of having a blended family in the future. Not always the case of course, but that's the general assumption I made.

No, the idea of blended families gives me nightmares. Just try reading the step-parenting board.

Thanks, by the way, for all the views and advice (and for not ripping my head off and telling me to get a grip). It's really helpful.

My problem is that my life is full of red flags. I won't list them all because that would make me pretty identifiable, but I wouldn't date someone like me. (I have had lots of counselling, so don't even try suggesting if I do counselling I'll feel better about all of my red flags.)

With regard to dating someone with kids, I tended to tink that I had enough on my plate with my own three to contemplate ever being a step mum - I'm used to doing everything in our unit and it's difficult enough to contemplate letting an individual into that, let alone any additional children. I simply couldn't love a child of any mythical future partner as much as I love my DCs - and I don't see that as fair on the child. I am not Angelina Jolie. I don't actually like children very much, apart from mine.

That said, I find it incomprehensible that anyone might choose to miss out on my DCs as they are incredibly wonderful. I am aware that this is a bit of a double standard, but am content to be a giant hypocrite on this.

I wouldn't have specifically chosen to date a benefit claiming veggie, but I'm very glad I did. :) The 'having-a-good-job' thing doesn?t necessarily push my buttons - I can't spend a lot of money on dates anyway and am solidly into splitting costs - I felt very uncomfortable when dating the prof as he was fairly wealthy and I felt?not beholden, but concious of the difference in incomes.

Why would you not date a veggie bant (curious)

It's a bonus for me when a man has older children or step children. I love small DC but I've spent the last 18 years devoted to mine and wouldn't want to start over. I want to be able to be spontaneous, have adult dinners and be freely affectionate anytime, anyplace.

Hrmm I suspect the paedo thing is one of the Daily Mail myths put out there about OD. I'm sure they do target single parents on OD, but doubt it's any more than in RL. I would put that you have DC in the boxes, then your profile can be all about you

I've noticed that I deliberately message people who I find only mildly attractive. There's a few that I think 'yummmm' but daren't contact them as I feel they are out of my league. It's my own insecurities but don't know how to overcome it.

I wouldn't date a veggie because I really like cooking my favourite meals for someone I'm seeing. Which includes chicken tikka (my own recipe), a good roast beef, sausages - you know, meat.

Having been married to a veggie, I just got annoyed with the fact I couldn't share some of the things I really like doing. It's like dating someone who doesn't enjoy reading, or doesn't like music, or something.

It's not a crucial deal-breaker - the Translator was veggie but I still would have dated her - but it's just a bit of an 'oh, that's a shame'.

I like cooking for other people, and I don't like tofu. Or quorn.

On the blended family thing, I'm not sure if anyone can expect you to love their children as much as you do your own - as long as you're fair to all. I wouldn't expect, or want, my XW to get together with a man who loves my children as much as he does his own. They're not 'his', they're hers and mine. But I would expect him to treat them fairly and well, and not always assume his own DC were angels. I'd be the same. I couldn't love anyone else's children as much as I do mine but I think I could get on with them and treat them well, and possibly love them in time. I assume they'd probably have a dad who loved them as a dad. It's all hypothetical really, isn't it?

Martini love, if only we knew how to do that. People will say 'love yourself first' but goodness knows how anyone gets there. Only thing I know is that as much as possible if you surround yourself with people in RL and online who appreciate you, are supportive and want the very best for you, it will reflect back.

Bant I think I want to date you. I love chicken tikka and roast beef. I love reading and music. I hate tofu and quorn. I don't mind that you've got kids. How about it?

Mr Lovely is still being lovely. Lots of very flirtatious messaging. We bumped into each other yesterday and he was great. I was with one of my kids and he behaved very circumspectly which was good. And he saw me in my dress down mum clothes (as a contrast to my sexy Fuck Me heels he's seen before!) and still seems keen. There's a possibility we might see each other tomorrow night as I have weekend plans so we'll see how that goes...

As stupid as it is as I have a DS, I would also rather date someone without DC's. There are a few reasons for this, but mainly, Im only 26, I might want more children in the future, and also DC make things more difficult, arrangement wise, so its easier to work around just one person than both IYKWIM. This said, DC's/divorced people are not a red flag with me and Ive been on dates with a range of people in a range of situations. I mention clearly on my profile that i have a DC, and I get messages from people with and without children. I think its important to be clear as not to mislead people as I am very appreciative of that fact that most 'single carefree guys' would rather not date a 'single mum'.

Sure title - let's meet up halfway between my place and yours. That'll probably be somewhere near Frankfurt :)

May I remind the honourable house that the first rule of the thread is we don't date the thread.

As you were, Bant and TheTitle :)

I could get it from the POV of evangelical veggies, who were always trying to get you to 'turn' :) I don?t eat meat when I'm with nameless, I see it as rude?he's not a big drinker either, so I don't drink when I'm there either. It just seems respectful of someones choices. I like cooking too & it's been fun to cook some new things (pasta with pine nuts, spinach and feta cheese was a win?) I bloody love a good roast beef, but if it were a choice between roast beef and nameless, then he just about has the edge

I just find other peoples children exhausting. I'm possibly not the most maternal of people, the only babies I have held in my arms have been my own. If it came down to it, I suspect I would always give my DCs the edge over someone elses children, if they both said they were telling the truth . Because custody still tends to 'favour' women instead of a 50/50 split (although that is becoming more prevalent?) I'd only have to contemplate seeing hypothetical children of a weekend and I'd resent having to spend my free time with someone elses DCs.

I'm a monster.

Incidentally, CheshireCat is, physically, out of my league. She is stunningly attractive.

However, she's so passive and slow to react, doesn't seem passionate about anything apart from her dog, seems negative about work, life, her country - it's actually kind of draining.

After cancelling last night I'm thinking of just calling it off, to be honest. It's a shame as she's not a bad person at all, and I mentioned the stunning bit, she's just.. not for me I think.

I've left it to her to say when she's free next for a meal. She knows I want to take her out, we cancelled because of her work, it's up to her. If she doesn't rearrange in the next few days, I'm going to move on.

I'm being messaged by another two hungarian women from Match, I haven't asked either of them out yet because I was seeing how it goes with Cheshire. I think I'm going to, though..

No, that's the thing - it's not a Daily Mail myth that paedophiles seek out single mothers, it is actually the case (but now I don't remember where I read it, just that I was surprised it wasn't a myth after all).

I also really want to have more children, and someone who already has his own might not. It is special to have children for the first time with someone, so I know some people might also avoid single mums for that reason.

Job-wise, I'm not looking for someone with lots of money. Yesterday's guy probably doesn't earn very much, but what he does is hugely interesting, so I think I'm drawn to people who have challenging jobs that suggest that they are interested in complicated things.

Beg pardon - I'm just a newbie!

^^

Hrrrm - you can choose to date people with kids, or not - it's completely your call. Everyone respects your right to do that, for whatever reasons you have.

But if you don't let people know you have DC up front, you're going to end up with more situations where the man is great for you, but unfortunately doesn't want a single mum - so it's best to just put it on your profile and be cautious about people who ask too many questions about them.

I'm not surprised paedophiles seek out single mothers, but also single men looking for a quick shag from someone 'desperate' seek out single mothers too. You have to watch out for the red flags, and feel free about dropping them if something seems off.

Personally, my XW and I agreed that no new partners meet the DC until we've been together at least 6 months. That's enough time to get to know someone very well and know it's going somewhere.

Hrrrm - if we all believed everything we read, nobody would ever do ANYTHING. I suspect that while there may well be a few paedophiles on online dating sites, they are probably outnumbered by those looking for a quick shag by 10,000 to 1 at the very least.