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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 56 all welcome

999 replies

Kirstywirsty · 15/06/2013 21:12

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

  1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  3. Trust your gut instinct;
  4. If it is not fun, stop
OP posts:
Bant · 17/06/2013 23:02

6 years, velvet. You?

ColinButterfly · 17/06/2013 23:03

Thanks western - I was feeling up, more so than ages having come out of an abusive relationship. Unfortunately this has set me back a bit now have had fingers burned. But is my own fault for rushing into things really.

KinNora · 17/06/2013 23:04

Shall I find out Bant ? I suppose it's too much to hope that essentially it's Fellatio Airlines.

lurkinglorna · 17/06/2013 23:04

Hi well I'm a lurker and always look at this thread so HI!

Can I put a situation to you?

Had 2 online dates with someone and second date confirmed what I noticed on first one - he has strong BO?

Not sure its "him" or just that "unwashed clothes mildewy smell" but very unpleasant and offputting and though I was "ok, not 10/10 attraction but likes me and accepts my living situation with the kids and could grow" on first date today I'm like "when can this end" .

I think go for the "most socially conservative option" and just do the "sorry busy with work" thing (he's still active on OD - which is fine - we haven't done the deed or made any promises) but feel a bit awful that its gonna put other dates off him - overall he's a fairly attractive guy, new to OD.

(this is not a wind-up btw)

johnnydeppshat · 17/06/2013 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Bant · 17/06/2013 23:05

Also, thanks for acknowledging publicly that you were attacking me. Nice to see.

I believe that's generally seen as naughty.

KinNora · 17/06/2013 23:05

Do give over Johnny

velvetspoon · 17/06/2013 23:05

Bant so far as I was aware, you had only been OD-ing for a couple of years and the Artist was your longest relationship? Or am I wrong?

To the rest of you on the thread, who have countless times told me how great I am, that I simply meet the wrong men and that the problem is NOT me...are you going to comment? Or just allow what Bant said to stand unchallenged?

velvetspoon · 17/06/2013 23:07

'Under attack' is a phrase.

If I had meant under attack from me specifically, I would have said so.

johnnydeppshat · 17/06/2013 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Scrazy · 17/06/2013 23:08

Lurking, oh dear very tricky. I don't think it's up to you to mention it really, if you don't like him enough to continue putting up with the pong or sorting it out. He might not have laundry facilities or is a bit depressed and personal hygiene has gone awry.

Miranda, don't stop posting, I think that's the plan Grin.

Bant · 17/06/2013 23:08

Watch - (face palm)

Lorna, eww. Bad smell is enough reason to call it off. You can use the 'no chemistry' excuse which is fine after two dates. And everyone is tempted to help fix other people, but generally it's not well received so I wouldn't if I were you.

Moanranger · 17/06/2013 23:08

Hmm, I posted earlier about male limbic system response to cleavage - twould be nice if not true, but there you are... Me, I'm a total feminist, go to bed singin' Maria Muldaur's' "I'm A Woman ...can make a dress out of a feedback, make a MAN outta you..." But I am also a biologist, which is handy when dealing with the male of the species...
But back to dating, I have a good friend, divorcing, dead keen to have an affair, charming, slim, academic (Oxford Classicist) what is/are the best dating sites for someone like her ? I haven't a clue -Times, Telegraph, any ideas?

OhWesternWind · 17/06/2013 23:09

If you felt ready Colin then it was good to give it a go. Like many things, the first time/few times are the most nerve wracking and difficult. Now you've broken your duck, next time it will be easier, easier again the time after that. Just take your time, no rush at all

Took me eighteen months to be ready after my crappy LTR ended, some people take longer, some less time but I think you'll know when the times right to have another go. My first date was a dud, couldn't believe he didn't fall at my feet, but looking back I was very nervous and unconfident and that has improved a lot with time. Good luck!

KinNora · 17/06/2013 23:10

Oh Johnny no, I wouldn't let it lie, I also have 'booze for the baby'.

Bant · 17/06/2013 23:11

Velvet, OD has been around for a long time. I did it when younger.

MsCellophane · 17/06/2013 23:16

Firstly - I haven't reported a single person

I never left, I have continued to read and post sporadically

Bant, you are happy to point out a few of us aren't having the best time with OD - how many second dates have you procurred? Character flaws? Yes, I have some and will happily put them forward - will you? I know I am opinionated and forthright and I know men have a hard time dealing with that. But I'm possibly one of the more successful daters on this thread as I have dates, found a spectacular FWB - who as it happens is a perfect gentleman and am in contact with most of my dates on weekly or monthly basis still - are you?

Attacking a woman is cowardly, attacking two is plain nasty

lurkinglorna · 17/06/2013 23:16

thanks bant and Scrazy!

(makes me sound manky but don't mind a guy a bit sweaty or wearing a day old shirt or whatever if there is a "mutual attraction" already) Seems sorted in other areas of his life but "leaves washing in the machine for too long". i'm not his mate so I'll leave it and yeah there might be a woman who likes him SO much she'll sort it Smile)

oh well, now down to e-mailing guy abroad.

KinNora · 17/06/2013 23:17

Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnn

StupidMistakes · 17/06/2013 23:19

Well i dont know if any of you remember my first online date "just friends" well we were chatting again for a while, he came and found me after I changed my number. We met up a few times, had a good chat, but we decided that once we had managed a last chat that it was time to cut away from each other. His wife has been in touch also, and confirmed they were separated when he met me. She is an FHM model. And very ver

StupidMistakes · 17/06/2013 23:20

Vwey pretty. He does care but is commitment shy after his marriage. Fair enough but that means I can move forwards.

Scrazy · 17/06/2013 23:21

Smoothie, meant to say before that a whole weekend away with a lovely guy will leave you all loved up and those sex hormones play havoc for a day or two when you are back on your own. It's a bonding thing and is a good sign.

Bant · 17/06/2013 23:24

I don't need to point out some people aren't having the best time with OD. It's an online discussion thread for advice, all of us have problems with it occasionally.

And at the moment, you're right. I'm not seeing anyone from OD because I'm seeing someone who I met in real life. It's early days. I don't know how successful it will be.

Velvet, buffy was my longest thing from OD recently, that was about 2 months before she left the country. Not because of me, I should point out. The artist was about 3 very intense weeks. I've had first dates with something like 20 women in the last 8 months, second dates with 6 of those. One disappeared, one moved countries as I mentioned, I finished with the others because it didn't feel right for whatever reason.

I didn't intend to attack anyone. I defended myself against accusations raised by people who only ever want to start a argument.

And yes, velvet has said she's feeling fragile many many times.

TortillasAndChocolate · 17/06/2013 23:28

Wow, I leave the thread for an hour to go and do some real life stuff, and missed a million messages only half of which are to do with dating!

I never row with anyone in real life (well other than my ex - but that's another story) - its a bit depressing coming on here for some escapism and lighthearted chit chat and finding it so unpleasant. It seems it's always the same people looking to find arguments. It's draining. I think people need to maybe go back to the 'not engaging' strategy. (Although I haven't been here since the beginning of dating thread time so feel free to ignore me)

I'm off to bed. Hopefully the thread will be back to normal tomorrow.

velvetspoon · 17/06/2013 23:28

I'm not bothered by a lot of stuff said this evening, for reasons that are so obvious I won't need to elaborate.

What I am bothered about though is that there are many posters on this thread who I have got to know over a long period. I have been happy to offer advice when I can, and equally happy to receive it, and appreciate the time and effort that has gone into providing that advice and support. I know many of your back stories, and the thread feels like being amongst friends, with the bonus that we are all trying to find our way through the dating world and sharing stories and views as we go.

I have struggled at times with OD, I have tried different approaches, some more successfully that others. The one constant during that time is that everyone on here has always said:

It's the men. It's not you.

And that the right man would appreciate me. I was being told that this very weekend after things went wrong with C.

Yet now, one poster has said 'actually it IS you' (and you've got a whole host of character flaws, but I'll save those for another time) which completely contradicts almost everything that has ever been said to me on this thread.

And not one of you has commented.

I don't know whether this is because actually you always thought that was the case, and it was easier to tell me it wasn't me.

Or because I have caused a row and am now persona non grata.

Or for some other reason.

But I am hurt by that. That people I thought were friends would do that to me.

I guess as ScottishMummy always says, it is just words on a screen. And all expressions of concern, advice, apparent friendships have to be taken with a pinch of salt.