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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finding a nice single man?

194 replies

Impossibleornot · 13/06/2013 12:41

I'm a regular who has name changed and I am ready for the flaming that I will no doubt get

I have read so many threads on here from OW and about OW that suggest they go and find themselves a single man and leave the MM alone.

Ive been seeing a MM for 18 months. I love him, he loves me. We have an understanding, he wont leave his wife (he loves her and their children) and I dont want a full time relationship as I have children and I dont want to bring another man into their lives, they already have a Dad.

Because I know that we cannot be together I have never closed my eyes to the option of meeting someone else. Oh and I have met plenty of men, problem is, they are all complete nobs!! In 4 years of being single I have never met an available man who dos not have something wrong with him.

So in summary, I KNOW I shouldnt be seeing a MM, but my alternative is to be single (I hate being single, I need to kiss and cuddle someone, I feel desperately lonely when I dont have someone) or to go for 'second best' in which case I might as well have stayed unhappily married as my EX is more normal than most of the blokes I meet.

I am probably trying to justify myself, which is nice and easy on an anonymous forum, but how on earth do people meet nice men? do they even exist?

OP posts:

SmallChanges · 13/06/2013 12:51

Really? You're a regular and have started this thread ... The vipers are just sharpening their knives, thank you for your patience...

Marigold1 · 13/06/2013 12:54

Bit harsh this, but maybe if you were a nicer person and didn't shag a married man you attract a nicer type of single man.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 12:55

Yes, you're trying to justify yourself :) Yes, you're going to get flamed. You've got to get comfortable with being single and cut out the impulsive behaviour.... sorry. Once you hit a certain age MM and other knobs form the vast majority of the people you meet, take no persuasion (I know I've been there)... deflect you from putting any effort into finding a 'nice man' and you'll only end up feeling bad about yourself.

Try online dating, community stuff, joining some sociable groups... good luck ... and don your tin hat for what's coming.

overture · 13/06/2013 13:00

Right if this isn't HurryUpWithTheWine or AshamedGay or one of their alias trying to start another drama filled thread, then perhaps find one of their threads you will get most of the opinions and advice you'll ever need

Original poster

Impossibleornot · 13/06/2013 13:04

I am a nice person Marigold

I have tried online dating, I am part of several social groups, I have lots of friends and a good social life. I go to the gym, dancing groups and excercise classes as well as volunteer work. Plenty of opportunities to meet people, and I meet plenty of men and get asked on dates a lot, but there is a reason why every single one of them is single!

My OP does not tell the full story, you couldnt put 18 months into a thread, but I am not comfortable with being single. I have been single for 4 years, 2.5 of them celibate. I need someone to hold and kiss, but I need that person to be special to me. The man I am seeing gives me all of that and is the perfect man to me but is not available.

OP posts:

Original poster

Impossibleornot · 13/06/2013 13:05

Overture I dont know what you mean and I dont know what threads you mean, but thanks anyway.

OP posts:

DonutForMyself · 13/06/2013 13:07

There are plenty of men out there who will fulfill your criteria if you look hard enough. Perhaps create an online dating profile stating that you want a man who is prepared to cheat and lie, who will only be available when it suits him and who has no concept of the word commitment. Your inbox will be bursting with lovely unfaithful twunts desperate to add you to their list of women they can shag at will.

Lweji · 13/06/2013 13:07

You realise you are still seeing a knob?

In any case, by staying with this man you won't find the single man that could be perfect for you.

overture · 13/06/2013 13:08

I means just that, if you're not those ppl, then find their threads, you'll find all the advice and opinions of what most ppl think of your situation there.

You're sleeping with a MM, stop. You're not as nice as you think if your shagging someones spouse and father.
Sigh, its that simple.

Sodapop55 · 13/06/2013 13:09

I suspect if you have low self esteem then naturally you're going to end up with crap men, married men, emotionally unavailable men, weird men and many variations thereof. Because you're settling for a married man who automatically puts you second to everything else in his life and is clearly a complete tosser. Do you really think so little of yourself that you'd settle for this sham of a real relationship?

Work on your self worth and issues around relationships and you may find that you find someone who is worth it.

WaitingForMe · 13/06/2013 13:09

To be fair my single female friends are lovely and my single male friends are single for a reason!

I'm not condoning going after MM but there is a lack of decent single men.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/06/2013 13:11

I think you need to totally re-evaluate your whole approach to relationships along with considering what you were yourself taught about relationships when growing up. Sounds trite perhaps but we do after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What did your parents teach you about relationships?.

What too do you want to teach your own children about relationships here; do they themselves know that you are seeing a married man?. What do they think of you?. And you of yourself?.

Time to make sweeping changes. I would give this married bloke the boot as of now and start loving your own self for a change because it is all too clear that you do not. You are ripe for being used and abused by chancers. Is this all you think you deserve?.

I think counselling for your own self would be a good idea to re-evaluate your approach to relationships and your relationship history to date. You need to unlearn all the damaging crap you've self taught yourself.

You have and continue to sell yourself short; you have wasted the last 18 months of your life with this chancer who saw an opportunity because apart from wanting an easy shag he also saw your desperation to be coupled up to someone, anyone male and with a pulse. Your desperation to be coupled drives you also into the arms of unsuitable men, the latest of which is this married man. He is undoubtedly lying to both his wife as well as you, he has it made currently. You are a part of his unhappy set up. It could all too easily blow up and with you coming off worse. Do you wish to spend your life waiting for him and some snatched time spent together. By doing what you are doing, you are stopping your own self from moving on to potentially meet someone actually suitable and worth it. Also this weasel is still playing happy families with his wife and is likely still sleeping with her as well.

Original poster

Impossibleornot · 13/06/2013 13:15

'I'm not condoning going after MM but there is a lack of decent single men'

Thank you and this is very very true.

I dont condone what I am doing myself, as I said it is a very long story that I couldnt possibly put into a thread.

I also have a lot of single female friends who have the exact same problem. Some are happy to remain single so that is OK with them, some are happy to date nobs and some are unhappily lonely. I have no idea whether any of them are seeing a MM, but I would fully understand their reasons if they were.

Donutformyself

Why would I advertise to find MM ? Its a single man that I require. I fully understand that you are being 'ironic' but its not really that funny it is :-(

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/06/2013 13:16

What does this MM give you that all the other men to date have not?.

He has no concept of the word love and words are cheaop. Am certain too he tells his wife that he loves her. This chancer has it well made, two women on the go. There may well be a third and a fourth, you do not know him at all really.

RipleyIsMyHero · 13/06/2013 13:16

You've already pointed out that you don't want a full time relationship because of your kids, so what does it matter if a single guy is not perfect? It sounds like you're just after a shag anyway.

You and him are fucking up a family just for kicks. Nice!

Myinboxisfull · 13/06/2013 13:17

Op, you say that you don't want to be single, bi put the reality is that you still are. This man is not your partner, he's someone else's. Stop seeing him and you'll have a chance of meeting someone else who will be.

I think that you also need to look at why your self esteem is so low that you are willing to accept the current situation.

Original poster

Impossibleornot · 13/06/2013 13:25

Ripley

I got out of a marriage and my EX is more normal than most of the single guys I meet. I might as well have stayed in my marriage if I just wanted to 'put up' with someone. Even if it were 'just a shag' I was after, I dont know about you but I have to have a connection with the person I sleep with, I have to love and respect them.

There are no 'kicks' involved. We are on the same level, we know what each other is thinking and we know exactly how to make each other feel good.

OP posts:

Original poster

Impossibleornot · 13/06/2013 13:27

'Stop seeing him and you'll have a chance of meeting someone else who will be. '

Genuine question. How does that happen? I dont just stay in doing nothing but see this man. I live my life as normal, nothing would change if he were out of my life apart from that I would have nobody to love or to love me.

OP posts:

DonutForMyself · 13/06/2013 13:28

Several of my friends have left unhappy relationships in the past 12 months. So far, 3 of us have met lovely new men, some of whom will go on to become long term relationships, some maybe just some fun, but none of us have had to resort to sleeping with someone else's husband.

There is not a lack of nice single men 'out there' - that's a pathetic excuse, there are lots of nice men whose previous relationships have not worked out due to incompatibility or other issues which do not make those men undateable or unsuitable.

overture · 13/06/2013 13:29

There are no 'kicks' involved. We are on the same level, we know what each other is thinking and we know exactly how to make each other feel good.

This is definitely starting to sound like one of those threads we've all read before.

Your moral compass is malfunctioning.
What you are doing is wrong. end of. full stop.

Lweji · 13/06/2013 13:31

Unless you are actively looking for men and dating, by being in a relationship you make yourself less available, automatically.

Being single is no guarantee that you will find a decent man, but by being involved you are probably putting decent men at a distance.
A decent man would be less likely to make an advance if he knows you have someone.

higgle · 13/06/2013 13:31

Would it be an idea to use a bespoke matchmaker - a friend of mine used Caroline Crowther and met someone who was just a perfect match for her - she didn't realise it to begin with as she took exception to something he was wearing at the first meeting, but they are now totally loved up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/06/2013 13:31

Your last sentence is what all these "other women" state. Honestly, have you really taken leave of your senses here?.

He has it well made with you doesn't he; he has someone who is willing to sacrifice her own long term emotional well being and self esteem for a married man who told you what you so want to hear (and perhaps have wanted to hear your whole life). He gets far more out of this illicit liaison than you do.

overture · 13/06/2013 13:31

Oh ffs seriously???? Grow up....This man is married and has a family, he doesn't love you, he loves his wife and dc. You're just the bit on the side. Whatever he is telling you, is simply to get what he wants.

Lweji · 13/06/2013 13:33

And while you are giving your time to this man, and trying to extract happiness from him, you are not giving yourself enough value.
You should try, most and foremost, to be happy with yourself, then a relationship should fit nicely into your life, not seek male company to be happy.

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