Finding a nice single man?

[Impossibleornot]

I'm a regular who has name changed and I am ready for the flaming that I will no doubt get

I have read so many threads on here from OW and about OW that suggest they go and find themselves a single man and leave the MM alone.

Ive been seeing a MM for 18 months. I love him, he loves me. We have an understanding, he wont leave his wife (he loves her and their children) and I dont want a full time relationship as I have children and I dont want to bring another man into their lives, they already have a Dad.

Because I know that we cannot be together I have never closed my eyes to the option of meeting someone else. Oh and I have met plenty of men, problem is, they are all complete nobs!! In 4 years of being single I have never met an available man who dos not have something wrong with him.

So in summary, I KNOW I shouldnt be seeing a MM, but my alternative is to be single (I hate being single, I need to kiss and cuddle someone, I feel desperately lonely when I dont have someone) or to go for 'second best' in which case I might as well have stayed unhappily married as my EX is more normal than most of the blokes I meet.

I am probably trying to justify myself, which is nice and easy on an anonymous forum, but how on earth do people meet nice men? do they even exist?

There is nothing wrong with wanting a man in your life. I appreciate if you are a cold person, or have a very low sex drive, you probably don't.

But a lot of women like myself have plenty of friends, a busy life, blah blah. But that doesn't make up for not having the affection and sex that comes from a relationship with a man. It can't. So please don't insult anyones intelligence by pretending otherwise.

As for all this ' oh you're clearly not a nice person if you can't find a nice man' what utter bullshit.

You may not like the OPs actions, but don't make out that if she chose to end it and make herself a 'nice' person she would suddenly attract all kinds of wonderful men. As a longterm single woman I can categorically state that it wouldn't matter how nice she was. Everyone I know tells me how lovely I am. I can't find a nice man either. Or are you all going to now say that's my 'fault' in some way too?!

Who is that directed at Velvet?
Plenty of posters on this thread are single, myself included.
Yes I too would like to meet someone, and agree that there is a severe shortage of decent, available men out there.
However, that will never justify shagging some other woman's husband. Ever.

But a lot of women like myself have plenty of friends, a busy life, blah blah. But that doesn't make up for not having the affection and sex that comes from a relationship with a man. It can't. So please don't insult anyones intelligence by pretending otherwise

velvetspoon believe me, I know exactly what you're saying. For many long years I know exactly what you're saying. Single life utterly I sucks sometimes.

But

I would still never justify an affair with a married man because I NEED "kisses and cuddles" so much that my "needs" are more important than the base fact that I'm sleeping with a married man. I'm not that pathetic.

Whoa! I am a hot blooded extremely sexy woman who adores sex! But I draw the line at shagging a MM.

I know plenty of nice single men. I know plenty of nice single women. Unfortunately there isn't always that 'spark' we hear so much about. I still see women in their 30s getting burnt time and time again by falling for the 'bad boy' or the player and overlooking the nice guy because he isn't QUITE as exciting. Such is life.

Sorry, but I don't care how lonely or in need of sex someone is. Knowingly shagging a married man (or woman), especially one with kids, is pretty damn low behaviour. If someone doesn't know they are married to begin with and then discover, that's different (and we read about that happening quite often). Choosing to carry on an affair in the way the OP has, sorry, don't care how lonely, it sucks, and I say that as long-term single and bloody gagging for some fun in the sack!!

sigh, is this thread still going??? I would venture Velvet is Mel from a thread that was shagging the MD of some supposed company(laugh) or maybe they all one in the same? I've already said who I ^thought^ OP is.

This thread just reeks of NC'd BS. Same rubbish and always few supportive OP posts to wind up MNers abit, ^shrug^

I can assure you I'm not the poster you refer to. Check my posting history, you'll see its fairly lengthy.

I just feel that whilst I can understand the moral judgments being made of the OP (and. I'm not saying what she is doing is right) dressing it up in a 'if you were single now/ not messing around with a MM/ a nicer person you would find the man of your dreams is rubbish. Because its a lie. Appeal to the OPs better nature by all means, but don't pretend there are lots of amazing single men out there - because really, there is no such thing.

I need to kiss and cuddle someone
I have to have a connection with the person I sleep with, I have to love and respect them

ROFL at this.
You sound like a simpering teenager, OP, the man is using you as a quick shag without strings.
Def get some self-help books or counselling to look for a happier, more confident you.

I know overture!

I usually don't bother much with this sort of thread but the OP has really annoyed me!!

Just her 'tone'....

Her "tone" is that of an entitled selfish teenager ...

To be honest I find the vitriol and BS from some posters on here more annoying than OP.

I agree with everything velvetspoon said.

Disclaimer: I have never dated a married man, nor would I. I was also cheated on, over a long period of time.

I don't think that by dropping the MM the OP will find the man she dreams of.
But I don't think she'll find him while she is shagging MM.

First she needs to get rid of her need to be with a man, and be happy with herself.
Then she is more likely to have the boundaries and give off the signals to attract and go for the right kind of man.

It may still not happen, but at least she'll be happy anyway.

I agree also with what velvetspoon says: but it never ever justifies an affair with a married man. The OP's insistence that she needs "kisses and cuddles" (she won't just say "sex" she has to be all nauseatingly coy) is what is so out of order.

She needs to deal with being alone and happy in her own skin. I know how hard it is (I was widowed early & was left a single parent & quite heart-broken -- never been fully non-single since), but to see having any man as a "need" is just juvenile.

I'd repeat my suggestion to try a more formal introduction agency. I'm not sure if you have said how old you are anywhere on the thread but one category of man you haven't mentioned is the slightly older one. Perhaps a widower or perhaps someone who has had a mature and amicable split and has children who have left home or are about to. ( obviously if you are early 20's this is not an attractive option).

I won't judge you on the MM situation, sometimes odd situations suit for a while, but ultimately these things end in someone's tears, and it is not going to make you happy forever.

I might as well be completely honest here.

I have recently been diagnosed as bipolar. I knew that something wasnt quite right for a lot of years, but now I know why.

I darent let someone see the 'real' me, I am not the best person to live with when I am not well, it is much easier for me to have someone part time who only sees me when I am at my best.

I am not 'juvenille', I am just someone who wants to be loved. I am not particularly happy in my own skin and I am very very scared of being on my own when the children leave home, having someone part time, whether it is the right thing or not, is my safety net.

I dont want to specify my age, but my children are teenagers, they dont 'need' me so much any more.

Upthechimney - I 'need/want' kisses and cuddles AND sex. I have a very high sex drive, but I am also human and need human contact, however 'nauseating' that sounds, it is perfectly natural.

"Oh and I have met plenty of men, problem is, they are all complete nobs!!"

Interesting - why you don't class a married father who enters into another long term affair with a mother as a nob?

Seems to be the height of nobbish/selfish/entitled behaviour to me.

The thing is, by being in this affair, you have made yourself emotionally unavailable to actually finding a nice single man. You will certainly not find one while you are involved with this man.

All this talk of what you need sounds like an addiction to me. Addictions harm you and the people around you. Don't kid yourself otherwise.

Upthechimney - I 'need/want' kisses and cuddles AND sex. I have a very high sex drive, but I am also human and need human contact, however 'nauseating' that sounds, it is perfectly natural

Lots of people want that. Everyones human. But they don't seek out sex and affection from someone married to someone else. They deal with it like an adult, not an entitled teenager.

You're not special, although you seem to think you are.

You have bi-polar granted but you can still make choices. You keep making bad choices in men and this MM is just the latest in a long line of unsuitable men. You will never be happy in your own skin unless you make real changes for yourself; this is what I also mean about loving your own self for a change. How can you possibly love another when you cannot even love your own self?. Its not possible.

I will reiterate that you need to completely re-assess your whole approach to relationships because what you have tried to date has not worked and it is not working now.

I would also argue that as teenagers, your children need you more now than ever. What are you teaching them about relationships here exactly?. What do you want to teach them about relationships, the same dysfunctions that you were?.

Sympathies re. the bi-polar and how you daren't show all parts of your self but you're confirming what people are saying might be the problem.

All the men you've met in the past have been men who've encountered a woman with an undiagnosed (and therefore untreated) personality and mental health disorder.

You mention love a lot but it's not love if you only show a part of yourself.

The married man only shows a part of himself to you too, so your love for him is just as inauthentic, but he doesn't have a condition to blame for that.

Are you getting any treatment for the bi-polar?

Might be worth abandoning all relationships with men until you do.

You might find you attract better men once you're helped to manage your condition better?

I know a few people with bi-polar and they are attracted to illicit and dangerous experiences. They are also quite selfish a lot of the time come to think of it - their needs always seem to come first and bugger the consequences. Whether that's the disorder or them as people, I really don't know?

But I recognise some of your statements as things they'd come out with.

Well, OP, I've suffered with severe depression since have my first child. It has fuck-all to do with anything. And I'm in the process of splitting with my partner and feeling like absolute shit. Guess what? I'm STILL not thinking 'ooooh, I need cuddles and kisses and sex because I am super special and will shit on anyone who stands between me and what I want'. I'm lonely as hell. I have no one to talk to about my situation. I haven't had cuddles and kisses in ages. They just stopped. Do you know what I do have? Self respect. You should get some of that. And leave that poor bloody woman's husband alone.

As a recovering addict friend of mine says "You can be sober and still be an a**hole."

I darent let someone see the 'real' me, I am not the best person to live with
Are you sure the real you is sooo awful.

I have recently had a light bulb moment and realised that many of my lifelong problems were due to wanting to be seen as more than I was. And now I am the not particularly likeable, not particularly intelligent, not particularly sympathetic but v real me, I realise I am pretty much the same as everyone else - you may not be the best person to live with but most people are not the best person to live with.

I don't know how much of your perceived problems are due to being bipolar but I don't imagine that all bipolar people are single.

Just a thought. Let's suppose the OP finds her clarity, self-esteem and manages to realign her moral compass, and subsequently ends the liaison with the MM.

What are the chances that he is likely to smack himself on the head and say: "I've been such a selfish, unloving and abusive lowlife by having this affair with a woman I care little for, betraying a woman I truly love... I must stop this at once and never do it again." .... OR... simply finding the next OW (because there will always be an OW) and spinning the same lines to her?

Please vote (think Sun-style You The Jury).....

I am relieved to read velvetspoon's posts as they echo my own feelings and experiences.

It also highlights a huge issue with being single - if you ever express discontent at the situation, even in passing, you are told explicitly as well as implicitly that it is your fault, you have not tried hard enough and need to join groups, be involved in the community and try online dating. If you have tried those things you are clearly desperate and if you have not you only have yourself to blame. Oh and you should be happy single.

I am reasonably happy single, but I'd like to share my life with somebody. Like velvet, I have tried and 'failed', it isn't for me, and I don't know why!

I don't condone the OP's actions but the sheer aggression directed towards anyone who admits discontent at being single, at times, has to be seen to be believed.

Last weekend, I went to see a film on Friday night, alone. My friends were having nights in with their husbands. On Saturday I did DIY and gardening then went to the theatre, also alone. On Sunday I did a spinning class (you guessed it - alone) I am not bored or short of things to do but all those things would have been so much nicer in the company of somebody!

This weekend I am actually seeing someone but I'd say I spend every other weekend totally alone. And don't tell me I need to do more. I have lots of friends but you try it some time - try to pin down married friends with small children, you can't!