Strip club

[Roundtheruggedrocks]

I've lurked on the relationship section for a while, am aware of the wide variety of opinions and find it really insightful. I wondered if MN could cast their eye over this and tell me what to do about it?

DH (we're newly married, no DCs) two months ago lied to me about going to a strip club with friends and having a lap dance. I found out through our mutual bank account records (DH is stupid and disorganised over that stuff) and got very upset. I spent a week not talking to him, heard all his explanations (he maintains it wasn't a lie, that he was drunk and would have told me the truth when he sobered up,) but I checked the online account so soon the next day that he didn't have a chance to tell me the truth. i threatened to leave and DH said no way - started crying, said he'd do anything, that he doesn't even enjoy lap dances and remembers nothing from that evening.

In the past (before he met me) DH went to strip clubs with friends maybe twice a year - on stag dos, so I know that he knows the ropes and it wasn't a one-off in his life. He told me when we first met that he had been to these places too. i admittedly hadn't been clear to DH that getting a lap dance was a deal breaker for me, which is his main argument. He says if he had known he wouldn't have done it and he thought because we had talked about his past experiences there that I would be fine with it.

But why lie? This is what bugs me. He doesn't get it - he maintains he didn't lie - that he was just drunk and tired and didn't want me to go ballistic. I need to get over this and get on with our marriage, me continually bringing it up poisons every good time we have together.

Aside from the lap dance thing, DH and I have a great relationship - he treats me like a queen, hence why this insecurity has suddenly come out of the blue. I've started to think that maybe DH likes the stripper thing - the platinum blonde, big tits, body make-up thing (I am a pale, flat chested brunette) and I have become insecure about my looks and weight too. What do you think I should do?

The OPs DH

Thanks Darkesteyes, I'd missed that and couldn't figure out what you were talking about!

Whores and princesses. Dangerous ground.

OP - I find your thoughts about nail varnish and make up a but unhealthy also.

I agree about changing your counsellor.

I said I didn't wear make up or nail varnish and never have. He likes it, and my mind is telling me he likes it because he likes strippers. That's a problem in my own mind, probably not a problem in his.

I know that as I personally don't want to wear make-up I should not wear it.

"he said - are you kidding? She's a stripper, I could never be with someone who did that for a living."

He took this woman out on dates?!

Presumably so he could fuck her.

But he thought she was a dirty whore who was no use as a proper girlfriend?

I feel kind of nauseated.

How did you not notice what a misogynist creep this guy was before you married him?

It doesn't sound like you were short of evidence.

I share his confusion that you were OK with him being so vile as long as he didn't buy other women to cheat on you with.

Your whole focus is on feeling inferior to these women that he doesn't even consider to be human.

Why aren't you focusing on the truly horrible things his attitude to the whole incident say about the kind of person he is?

My main advice to you: Never, NEVER have children with this man.

You won't be the queen anymore once you've been through a pregnancy.

And a tip for (hopefully) next time: you don't want to be treated like a queen, you want to be treated like an equal.

AThingInYourLife I agree that I'm focusing on the wrong thing, but I don't agree that he is "truly horrible," "vile," or a "creep."

No I didn't intentionally go into marriage with a man who has misogynistic qualities, this consumeristic attitude towards women started to become more obvious to me after marriage, as marrying me seemed to give him the idea that he'd "got" me, he used to say he'd "caught" me, that I was "always going to belong" to him.

That said, I don't feel that I'm treated unequally, in fact I feel that in terms of equality, he is the one who loses out. Aside from the strip club incident I feel like I rule the roost. I make the decisions about what we do, where we go, where we live. I mostly decide how we spend our money. I work and earn my own salary for my own bank account and I have access to his account to (but he doesn't have access to mine.)

Hence why I was so surprised when he did this.

I think some men like to have little secrets/behaviour for themselves. My dh 95% of the time is kind, loyal, generous, loving etc. When they are live this, you trust them implicitly and feel very secure. Then it seems from nowhere, they do something which you didn't expect, is exremely hurtful and you begin to irrationally question the whole relationship. You start to feel totally insecure as you had put so much faith in the relationship. The blow is sometimes worse than if they were total tossers most of the time.

I think that time is a healer as long as genuinely understands your feelings. Does he understand how much your confidence has been knocked or how it has effected your self esteem.

When I found my dh had been looking at models etc on line, it really upset me. I thought about it lots and how crap it made me feel. I even picked out all his physical flaws to make him feel shit to give him some insight into how he made me feel.

Men actively looking around at other women can feel like you are personally being rejected and are no longer enough or good enough. It can really eat you up.

Have you looked up Madonna vs Whore complex?

Your best option is to ask him to go to counselling with you so that you both can explore this issue. I don't know if he ever will come to realise that women including strippers and prostitutes are real people with feelings, thoughts and real lives. He has messed up views about women probably from his childhood and upbringing.

His treatment of you as a princess is very telling and so are his comments about women.

Often in these cases, once they have children, these husbands go off the idea of them being sexy and having sexual needs and are more likely to find sexual kicks outside the marriage.

"Often in these cases..."

How often?

No one really knows - many cases of infidelity goes undetected or are discovered but hidden from others. Infidelity is all about the cheater's issues and coping mechanisms and there are several articles about this complex as being one of these issues.

Well, that's what I would have thought, that no one knows. That's why I was questioning your use of the word "often" as opposed to, say, "It is understood" or "some people believe".

*go

I take your point, thought you were asking for stats, but this issue often comes up when someone's DH has been cheating and it is known to be a common cause.

I just thought it a bit insensitive, giving Round something else to worry about.

Thinking about it, why wouldn't it be "often" given that those men think its acceptable to buy women bodies, have a poor view of women who are obviously "sexy" but more than happy to have sex with them, and think their wives should remain pure and virginal and do not want sex with women they feel are like their mothers?

No its not insensitive, its pointing out that this man has dodgy views and values that will affect her - she is in a good place to really appraise her situation and whether she wants to stay with him - much much harder when you are pregnant or have DC.

OP it's interesting, that's for sure. There are a lot of contrasts, or contradictions, in what you describe that do seem to point to him segregating women into types, and seeing one group as unworthy, and the other as valued, or valuable. Looking at it that way, the power, as you perceive it, that he gives you over your lives, fits...? I think what I and other posters are getting at is that being 'queen' according to those rules is no more healthy than being disparaged, even if it feels good to you - because the underlying attitude is toxic, and because you don't know the rules. What if you lost your status somehow? (Though I would also say that making choices is not just a privilege but a reponsibility, iyswim. I also spend all of mine and DH's money, but because I do all the bloody food shopping, organise all the trips, pay all the bills - it suits him perfectly, actually).

Ultimately I think if you think there's something you want or need to explore here, that's valid, and I would echo other commenters saying that therapy for you and for both of you is a good idea. This is the kind of issue that imo would benefit from a skilled and neutral third party to guide you and help each to understand what the other is saying.

"marrying me seemed to give him the idea that he'd "got" me, he used to say he'd "caught" me, that I was "always going to belong" to him."

Eughhghghgh

You need to get away from him.

You see the change that has been wrought since you got married?

If you ever make the mistake of getting pregnant by this guy, that change will pale into insignificance in comparison with the transformation into entitled wanker you will be witness to.

Really, good men do not talk, or even think, about women the way your husband does.

"its pointing out that this man has dodgy views and values that will affect her" I agree. I thought you'd told her he was likely to have an affair, which was what I found unhelpful.

If you ever make the mistake of getting pregnant by this guy, that change will pale into insignificance in comparison with the transformation into entitled wanker you will be witness to.

I may be being completely dumb or lacking perspective. What - in the typical characteristics of people like this - would he do if I became pregnant or had kids? I understand you'll be speculating - but how would it change?

I realise I'm not getting it totally, that's why I need it spelled out to me...

Round it is very likely you will find yourself in a sexless marriage if you have kids. Please look up Madonna/whore complex.

I really don't think your predictions are helpful Darkest.

Fine Im out.

She's a stripper, I could never be with someone who did that for a living.

Massive, waving red flag. Ignore it at your peril.

He has told you in no uncertain terms he sees women who work in the sex industry as objects to be used and discarded as worthless pieces of meat.

Stay with him if you like, and I think you will.

Tbh, any man who treated me as a queen but rubbishes those other women is not a man I would want to build my life with, nor have children with. Would he like a dd of his, for example to be used by men like this ? I doubt it.

he is a hypocrite and a sexist bastard

your marriage, your choice

but open your eyes, fgs

I can't believe I'm defending this man, but it's out of concern for Round. Her husband might be saying he'd never consider a relationship with a sex worker, not that he sees them as lumps of meat.

Round, you're already feeling confused and hurt - please don't let our responses panic you. You know your husband. I do think you should consider professional help to talk through your feelings about your appearance and attractiveness. Your husband's behaviour is unhelpful and unkind.

At first it seemed that going to a strip club was not such a deal-breaker. It's easy to imagine that a guy could be dragged along and end up going with the flow on a drunken night out.
The extra payment for a personal lap-dance is more of a concern. Your insecurities are also, further counselling to work out why your self-esteem is so fragile sounds like a good idea. Somewhere along the line you appear to have taken it on board as a personal threat, your reactions to it may need exploring. I'm sure he does not see it himself as one, however, he does have issues. The erection issue with condoms happens with some men IME, and it's never about the person they are with, it's more personal to their feelings about it, yet you took it as your failing.
These are his failings, his flaws, separate from you, non of this is your fault. It's for you to decide if you can trust that this behavior will not be repeated and if it reflects a general poor attitude about women and sexuality that you may not want to live with.