Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Strip club

191 replies

Roundtheruggedrocks · 08/06/2013 23:37

I've lurked on the relationship section for a while, am aware of the wide variety of opinions and find it really insightful. I wondered if MN could cast their eye over this and tell me what to do about it?

DH (we're newly married, no DCs) two months ago lied to me about going to a strip club with friends and having a lap dance. I found out through our mutual bank account records (DH is stupid and disorganised over that stuff) and got very upset. I spent a week not talking to him, heard all his explanations (he maintains it wasn't a lie, that he was drunk and would have told me the truth when he sobered up,) but I checked the online account so soon the next day that he didn't have a chance to tell me the truth. i threatened to leave and DH said no way - started crying, said he'd do anything, that he doesn't even enjoy lap dances and remembers nothing from that evening.

In the past (before he met me) DH went to strip clubs with friends maybe twice a year - on stag dos, so I know that he knows the ropes and it wasn't a one-off in his life. He told me when we first met that he had been to these places too. i admittedly hadn't been clear to DH that getting a lap dance was a deal breaker for me, which is his main argument. He says if he had known he wouldn't have done it and he thought because we had talked about his past experiences there that I would be fine with it.

But why lie? This is what bugs me. He doesn't get it - he maintains he didn't lie - that he was just drunk and tired and didn't want me to go ballistic. I need to get over this and get on with our marriage, me continually bringing it up poisons every good time we have together.

Aside from the lap dance thing, DH and I have a great relationship - he treats me like a queen, hence why this insecurity has suddenly come out of the blue. I've started to think that maybe DH likes the stripper thing - the platinum blonde, big tits, body make-up thing (I am a pale, flat chested brunette) and I have become insecure about my looks and weight too. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
Cinacina · 09/06/2013 10:19

It's difficult because you know he's sorry and believe he won't do it again. He is a great dh in all other ways, but the damage hurts and when something hurts deeply, you can become irrational. Someone you love deeply has paid a woman to dance naked for him :(

Cinacina · 09/06/2013 10:25

It's also the idea that he would think its ok to go if you were fine about it. When really he shouldn't want to go regardless if you minded or not.

Would he be happy for you to grind yourself all over a man whether paid or not? Paying in someways actually makes it worse.

Branleuse · 09/06/2013 10:29

He really shouldnt want to go?

There isnt a set way for all people to think.

people have different priorities. Many, rightly or wrongly, have never given this issue a moments thought.

Doesnt mean they couldnt be educated

Cinacina · 09/06/2013 10:33

Good decent married men shouldn't want to pay a woman in the sex industry to grind all over them behind their wife's back!

Obviously not all men will think like this. But then they are twats.

ArtexMonkey · 09/06/2013 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicHouse · 09/06/2013 10:48

Difficult for you. I married someone with views like your dh. His whole lack of respect for women/ me spiralled throughout the marriage. I was increasingly lonely and unhappy during it.

I don't know your dh obviously and have no way of knowing what may happen in your marriage. I just know that I turned a blind eye to similar problems at the start of my marriage/ relationship and would never want anyone to go through what I eventually did.

One thing that rings alarm bells for me is your response to it all - doubting yourself and your views and putting it all back on you. I think whatever you do you need to tackle that. You have every right to be disgusted and angry at what happened, and don't for a moment think that you/ your looks/ your beliefs are the problem here. For your marriage to work you will need to work hard at asserting your views and sticking up for them - I agree with the PP who said find another therapist - there are good ones and terrible ones, don't be afraid to keep looking for the right one.

Cinacina · 09/06/2013 11:00

If it helps most of the women I know are/would be deeply upset if their dh went to a strip club, which I think is normal given that you are married and so made a commitment to each other.

Funnily the ones who don't seem too bothered are single and so perhaps don't have that understanding of how hurtful and unsettling it an be.

Original poster
Roundtheruggedrocks · 09/06/2013 11:36

Really great posts, thank you.
He talks about him going for a lapdance like him buying a burger in mc Donald's - apparently he believes he would get much better food at home but because he was there and his mates were there, he just got it anyway because it was too much of a hassle not to. It's very easy to fall into believing this and justifying it to myself like that, but I'm pretty sure he knew I wouldn't want it (even though I didn't spell it out) and if he can be so easily led on this, what else can he be easily led on?

My last relationship before marriage was with a man who if he had drunkenly had a lapdance would be really embarrassed and find it a bit icky. He would've woken up the next morning feeling like it was totally wrong and we would have laughed about the general embarrassment of the whole thing and I would have taken the piss out of him for weeks.

But my DH now thinks it's "just what men do," which is a mindset I cannot get my head around. There is no humour around it, just a real "boys will be boys" attitude and now he's got a slapped wrist so he can't do it anymore.

OP posts:
Vegehamwidge · 09/06/2013 12:01

So he looks down upon those women but not himself, as a customer he is the reason stripclubs exists in the first place. And he believes that he is entitled to pay women to see them nude, even when he is a relationship, because he is a man. Wow gross!

MagicHouse · 09/06/2013 14:27

but I'm pretty sure he knew I wouldn't want it

Your OP says he said himself you would "go ballistic". He knows full well he would be letting you down and hurting you.

Think about what it is that you really want to happen now. (Leaving him?/ Relate?/ Counselling for you?/ Acceptance from him that he has seriously rocked your marriage and that he will need to deal with the consequences of that - which will probably include you showing your anger and upset for a while as you're still coming to terms with it......?)

Maybe sit him down again and tell him exactly how you feel. That you are questioning the marriage and wondering whether you want to stay with him.

If the conversation goes along the lines of "you need to get over this, I've told you how I feel - it wasn't important, it's you I love, this dance meant nothing to me, your attitude is destroying our marriage", you'll have to calmly say something like "this isn't something I can sweep under the carpet and forget about. It's made me question our whole marriage. We obviously have completely different views about what's happened and maybe the only way to sort it out is to have counselling, because we can't seem to come to any understanding or move forward from this on our own."

Tortington · 09/06/2013 14:32

situation reversed, would he mind if you went to a club, and sat there and paid for a man to grind up against you becuase you wanted it?

is that ok?

if not, ask him why.

is it ok for you to dance and have a man grind up against you in a pub?

if not, ask him why

he will answer your questions with his own thinking

FasterStronger · 09/06/2013 14:40

round if you want to give your marriage another go (I am certainly not saying you should), you need to get over this and give him:

one chance

and that is all. or you can decide you have already given him a chance and this is how he has treated you.

Leavenheath · 09/06/2013 15:24

I don't think this is just about your relationship though is it?

It's about his contempt for women as a whole, surely?

In his world, there are women who worthy of marrying, as long as they know their place and shut the fuck up when 'boys want to be boys'.

Then there are women who are only fit to service him and his friends in exchange for their money.

I don't think he's easily led. This is something he feels entitled to do, because he's a man.

Fozziebearmum2b · 09/06/2013 16:02

Custardo-good point, was just about to say the same thing.

I find that men who don't think much of going to strip clubs, would hate their girlfriends watching a stripper etc, they have one rule for the 'lads' and another for their wives

Vegehamwidge · 09/06/2013 16:41

I really wouldn't want to be together with a man who thinks that buying an actual woman (for a striptease) is like buying a burger.

MadAboutHotChoc · 09/06/2013 16:47

Try googling madonna versus whore complex. Sounds like this man might view women in this way....

Vegehamwidge · 09/06/2013 16:52

Because really, could he get more insulting? He compared women - people like you and me - to hamburgers...!

rootypig · 09/06/2013 17:06

"He talks about him going for a lapdance like him buying a burger in mc Donald's - apparently he believes he would get much better food at home but because he was there and his mates were there, he just got it anyway because it was too much of a hassle not to."

Did he use those words OP? If so, I'd be really concerned about his attitude to women. Some are to be respected and some are not? That's incredibly unpleasant - and woe betide you ever find yourself on the wrong side of that line.

Original poster
Roundtheruggedrocks · 09/06/2013 17:48

he didn't actually use the burger metaphor but that's how he viewed it - as a consumer. As in "yes it's not a particularly classy thing to do, but it's what men do."

nd when I say our relationship is great, I mean it is - because he treats me amazingly well, better than any relationship I've had before.

But that doesn't mean that this two types of women thing is eerily correct. What am I supposed to do about it? How do you approach relationship problems when your husband has unhealthy views about women?

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 09/06/2013 18:11

What does that actually mean 'he treats me amazingly well'?

Because this isn't 'amazingly good' treatment of you, is it?

If you're a woman in a relationship with a misogynist, I'm not sure that there's anything you can actually do apart from put up with it or decide that you'd rather be with a man who actually respected womenkind. There are plenty of those about after all.

Vivacia · 09/06/2013 18:26

I think you should get some counselling to explore your own feelings about all of this. Your feelings about your appearance and how to look attractive for your husband must be upsetting, unsettling and tiring. I think that dealing with your happiness is more urgent than dealing with your relationship with your husband.

One question though, and apologies if I've missed this, has he agreed to never go again? I ask because his McDonald's metaphor makes it sound as though he probably will, as it's something you do when you're drunk and have that as an excuse.

Original poster
Roundtheruggedrocks · 09/06/2013 18:38

99.99999% of the time - except for this one isolated incident I've described on here - he is at my side, thinking about me, caring for me, supporting me in everything I do. I gave up my job to write a book and he gladly took on all of our expenses and gave me his card so I can spend what I need (hence why I saw on the online account that he'd been to a strip club and paid for a dance - otherwise I would've never known.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Roundtheruggedrocks · 09/06/2013 18:40

Vivacia he's agreed to never go again. But it's in the way of me being able to tell he'll make a complete martyr of himself to his male friends about it.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 09/06/2013 18:42

He once took a stripper on a couple of dates after meeting her on a stag do (this is part of what he told me before we got together) I asked him why it went no further and he said - are you kidding? She's a stripper, I could never be with someone who did that for a living

Hes a mysogynist and a hypocrite.

Vivacia · 09/06/2013 18:45

Darkesteyes, who are you talking about?