Cheating - what's a dealbreaker for you and what could you forgive?

[tallielikesthesky]

Friend has just told me that 6 months ago she discovered her 'd'h had had some sort of 'almost affair' and it's shocked me how different our opinions on it are.

Apparently she found messages on his phone - OW lived in city her DH was travelling to a lot for work at the time and there were weeks worth of daily texts messages, talk about sex (likes etc, not sexting) , references to them meeting up, to ow being a good kisser and something about them sharing a bed but not having sex (OW had apparently broken it off saying she couldn't go any further than they'd gone with a married man but apologised to the wanker that he hadn't got what he wanted but she'd hoped he'd enjoyed spending the night with her).

Friend said she was upset but because she could tell from messages that they hadn't had sex and it was over she didn't really consider it an affair and had forgiven him. Apparently him performing oral sex on someone else or having full sex are the only dealbreakers for her.

I know it's easy to say things hypothetically but to me that's a proper affair and I just don't think I could forgive him. All the secrecy, kissing and sleeping in the same bed would be too much for me and would ruin any trust I had in him. I reckon I could forgive a drunken kiss with a stranger but nothing more.

Now I'm wondering which is more common. At what point would you be unable to forgive? Sexting? Kissing someone else? Sleeping in same bed? Receiving/giving oral sex? Full sex?

At what point do you think an emotional affair become unforgivable?

I would find all of that potentially unforgivable.

thousands of texts a month to OW. i begged my XH to come back at the time as I was in a state of shock after he walked out, but in reality, with hindsight, it would have eaten away at me. and he wasn't honest about it even after I found out, so I would not have been able to trust him ever again anyway.

Your friend is a mug, I am sorry to say, but it is her marriage. the intention was there, he would have if OW had let him.... and everything else he has done has crossed the line.

It is up to the individual involved obviously. I was desperate for my XH to come back and would have forgiven anything at the time, but like I say, with hindsight......

You have no idea what you would or wouldn't forgive when it remains hypothetical. You can only know once it has happened. That is my experience and also the experience of every single person I know who has been unfortunate enough to face some form of betrayal.

Hmm this is difficult for me as both me and DH were eachother's 'first' for everything, and neither of us has ever had close friends of the opposite gender. I think I would definitely argue/confront DH about flirty or suggestive texts to a woman and if I found out he had ever met awoman without telling me (such as going for dinner), I would class it as cheating: even if nothing sexual atually happened. Because if there is no 'bad' intention/thought, why wouldn't he tell me? I would be ok with him having a female friend as long as he was open about meeting her and what he did with her. A kiss I definitely wouldn't be able to forgive and would leave him but not divorce, oral sex I would divorce him. Wow, i'm amazed that your friend is still with her husband!

It's the sort of thinkyou never want to findout for real.

But I guess it would be the secrecy, the lies, the time taken away from the whole family, and that you are no longer the first and ultimate choice of partner. The physical ins and outs would be painful too, but possibly not the real betrayal.

What I think is that your friend is simply deluded. It's not a case of forgiveness or boundaries here, it's a complete denial of what's staring her in the face. An 'almost affair' my arse.....

Don't think you know really what you'd do until you're in the situation. Then the urge to save the relationship can be ridiculously strong.

Absolutely one off drunken kiss with a work colleague at a Christmas do I could maybe forgive with lots of counselling.

Emotional affair or anything further? Dealbreaker.

Agreeing with Lovingfreedom.... the urge to save the relationship, the fear of being single, the uncertainty of an independent future, family pressure, societal pressure, regarding divorce as 'failure', traditional misogynistic ideas of 'taking the rough with the smooth', 'working at a relationship' and 'boys will be boys', delusions that 'love conquers all' etc..... can make a previously sane & rational person do all kinds of mad things when presented with a very obvious affair.

I think I have quite clear boundaries in relationships. If you wouldn't want your partner to see it, don't do it. So a kiss /dodgy texts would be cheating for me. In my younger days I went home with an ex boyfriend when my partner at the time went to a strip club and I felt quite entitled to do so as I classed that as cheating and he knew it.

I always thought it would be a dealbreaker. I thought women who forgave this stuff were weak and needy with no self respect etc etc. I'm none of those things but when I found out about an 18 month affair it actually wasn't. You can't really be definitive until it happens. Forgiveness/tolerance/understanding/blame/empathy - emotions are all over the place when it does and its not until they all settle into their new positions that you know how you feel about it all.

Is probably consider forgiving a one night stand with a stranger, but I wouldn't be able to forgive weeks or months of texting and mailing another woman even if they hadn't had sex. I'd be more hurt by DH making an emotional connection with another woman rather than just having sex.

Exactly upnotdown

Every single person I know who hasn't gone through it says 'deal breaker'.

For those who have, it hasn't been that easy.

I speak as someone who said from the word go that there is no way I'd forgive, and yet am with my DH a year after his very open very hurtful affair. Weirdly what happened caused us to start communicating in a way we hadn't for years, and we reconnected, despite my leaving, and filing for divorce.

It's only black and white when it hasn't happened. Anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding themselves... like I used to.

I don't think this is a question that you can answer unless it's actually happening.

"Every single person I know who hasn't gone through it says 'deal breaker'.
For those who have, it hasn't been that easy."

I've been through it and, whilst I was young, naive and far too willing to forgive at the time I know that, in subsequent relationships, any transgression has been a 'deal-breaker'. Ditching unsuitable partners gets much easier with practice. :)

i could forgive a drunken snog

i would be cross but i would know it didn't mean anything

i couldn't let something so minor destroy a whole lifetime of love

but anything like you've described would just destroy me i think

"I've been through it and, whilst I was young, naive and far too willing to forgive at the time I know that, in subsequent relationships, any transgression has been a 'deal-breaker'. Ditching unsuitable partners gets much easier with practice."

cogito I also think the length of the relationship and extent to which you are invested in it has a fairly major impact on how you will react. A boyfriend of 6 months? He'd be out of the door the second I found out. My partner of 13 years? A bit different.

Subsequent partners are likely to be newer, shorter lived relationships, with far less invested in them. Marriages get stale, people make mistakes, mistakes may or may not signal the end.

It also depends 100% on how the transgressor behaves after the fact. The impetus to reconnect has to come from them. The injured party really needs to first walk away, as for their own sanity they need to know they aren't second best, and need to hold equal power in the 'new' relationship.

That's why I say no one 'knows' until it has happened, as there are a lot of variables to consider. My marriage was weirdly improved by first hitting rock bottom, before starting again on a happier, better, stronger bedrock. But, had you asked me the question just over a year ago I'd have said 'deal breaker'.

gymboy it does destroy you, but it doesn't kill you, you can come back from it.... if you both want to.

I think how your marriage has recovered is well and truly in the minority worsester. For most, even if they try to get past it or deny it's a problem, they will be left with a bad taste in the mouth that gets nastier as time wears on. Something I suspect the OP's friend is experiencing even as she describes this thing she's rationalised as 'an almost affair'.

I think so Cogito - she's still minimising it but the fact she's told me after this time when she obviously wasn't intending to tell anyone makes me think it's affecting her more than she thinks.

I couldn't forgive. Maybe by a long shot if it was a drunken kiss and my dp felt so guilty he had to tell me about it so I would understand his remorse but this is clearly deviant behaviour.

I couldn't forgive even a drunken kiss mainly because I know I'd bring it up in future arguments and that wouldn't be fair and I'd never trust him to be out again or to be drinking again. I need 100% trust to be able to function in a relationship.

I don't think it's really about the "acts". It's about the reaction afterwards. For example, he has a one night stand and admits it straight away, is tearful and remorseful, is easier to forgive than a one night stand that is hidden is only sorry for being found out. However, I still don't know that I could forgive either but every situation is different.

" affecting her more than she thinks."

Spot on. To misquote a well-worn saying 'forgive in haste, repent at leisure'. Quite a common pattern for cheated-on partners is to get caught up an initial rush of emotional panic, desperately dispensing with their values and ignoring their feelings in a frantic attempt to keep the relationship show on the road. Maybe he managed to behave super-well for a while and convinced her he'd changed. She could breathe a sigh of relief.... crisis over. But, now that six months have passed and the dust has settled, she's still thinking about it. Probably - in truth - wondering if she's done the right thing. Hence why she's mentioned it to you. Most people would rather keep quiet about their partner's affair if they genuinely plan to stay together.