Is this an 'emotional affair' I'm having?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Am a regular (occasional) poster but have name-changed. Not brave enough for AIBU for this one, but have seen various discussions there about 'emotional affairs' - I think I get what this means, but it's not a phrase I'd much come across til recently.

So here's the situation: I have fallen in love with a friend. We are both married with DCs. It's not a new thing: am embarrassed to admit that I've been crazy about him for 2-3 years now, and he's in my head pretty much all the time. Not a passing thing, then.

We are not having an affair. We are friends. We meet up regularly (we don't run into each other in the normal course of things any more, via work or mutual friends - so we have to make the effort to see each other). We meet up for long lunches, occasionally for drinks in the evening. We email, text, etc from time to time - not all the time, goes in phases.

I don't have a clue how he feels about me. He seems to want to see me, to be in touch, to share thoughts on big stuff and small stuff. We kiss/hug hello/goodbye. There have been times when I've thought he was trying hard to find opportunities to meet up, or when in a crowd of people he seemed to be looking particularly at me. We know each other well - have exchanged a lot of thoughts/feelings on all kinds of things, but not about each other.

I am happily married to my DH - yes, really I am. He is happily married too, as far as I know. We've met each other's partners, but mostly we don't all get together. I think the situation is that if we had met when we were single, we'd have been interested in each other. It all seems entirely above board to me - we are the soul of propriety and there's nothing to hide - except what's in my head!

So tell me, MN: am I in la-la land? Is this an emotional affair, even though we're just friends and have never said how we feel? Is there any harm in this friendship continuing, or am I playing with fire in some way? Is it bonkers/irrelevant for me to wonder endlessly how he feels about me? I need some perspective here!

I wonders whether he knows, or deeply suspects.
And may not be saying anything to cover his own tracks?

You both seem to be playing with fire to me.

Another brief point.
You didnt used to watch the programme "butterflies" from the 70's or early 80's did you?
The way you describe your life sounds a lot like the main character, Rita? [cant quite remember if that was her name?]

Definitely don't tell your DH, it would be incredibly selfish apart from anything else, I am sure you don't intend to. racingheart is right in all she says and you do sound like a lovely person and wife.

As to why you want to know what the other man is thinking. Easy. Romance.
In your head you are 16 or 18 again, where anything is possible [floaty, dreamy emotion].

the character's name was Ria

oh yes, so it was

OP, I am in exactly the same situation, so thanks for posting. Many of the replies have been very helpful. I have been trying to rein in my emotions, despite seeing him and messaging quite regularly. My partner knows about almost all of our meetings. I try to share with dh bits of conversations I've had with my friend. I never divulge private stuff from my relationship with friend. I have started to imagine him as very unattractive when I'm not with him, to help dampen the emotion from my side.
I spent about a year feeling desperate to know whether he feels the same as I do (intense affection together with physical attraction). It was hard to tell. I now assume a married man doesn't spend that much time with another woman if it isn't doing something pretty major for his ego....ie, in addition to this being a lovely longstanding friendship, we are clearly some sort of mutual ego boost. So I'm not so desperate to find out in words. I think that would really cross a line, make things weird and possibly end a friendship that is important to me.
Not sure any of this adds anything useful to the conversation, just wanted to say I identify and have tried to turn away from the illicit aspects such a friendship can bring about and move toward just a nice close friendship.

Thank you seempels - so glad I'm not alone in my foolishness. Sounds like you are doing everything right - as I am now trying to do. I agree about the mutual ego-boost - that has to be playing a part in the whole thing. I am also trying to focus on the various ways in which friend is not my ideal man - tendency to pomposity, glibness, that kind of thing. Like you, I don't want to end an important friendship - but now recognise better than I did when I first posted that I have to bring it (ie my feelings about it) under control.

You and your DH are still playing with fire.
But I get the impression you very much want to keep on doing that.
DH does to.

At some point, one or either of you is going to fall for someone. My guess is DH will. He will end it, and you?
You may regret everything, but equally possibly, you may be relieved. My money would be on relieved.

You are not really into your own marriage are you?
That is the bottom line.
You think you are, but you are not.

Friend should be ditched, but he is not going to be, not in a month of sundays.

I meant DH will end the marriage.

Op: Yes, you are having an emotional affair, and you'll continue to have it until you get caught or the other man gets bored of you. There's no way you'll stop because you like it too much.

Ilikethebreeze, you are nuts. That's all.

I don't think Ilikethebreeze is nuts at all! I fully agree with their post. If you WANTED to make your marriage strong, you'd tell DH what had happened, apologise and sever contact with the other bloke completely - because you'd value your marriage more highly than this 'friendship'. But I don't think you do value your marriage more highly, as you are not taking immediate steps to safeguard it. I feel really really sorry for your husband, actually :(

Thanks OneMoreGo
It is the kids as well, both sets.
And what the other man in all of this gets out of it, I dont know. He may have other women he meets up secretly with too.

Only on page 1 you say you are not being honest with husband about meet-ups - that is the emotional affair. You now have a choice - talk openly about the friendship or carry down a very slippery road

My stbexh did this - dinners/coffee/lunch with a work colleague that I knew nothing about - it was not innocent and friends only (although she is a scheming cow with biological clock ticking). It was sexual within months.

Gosh. Just gosh. I have totally change my mind on this one.

This is ALL about you, isn't it. You love the intellectual thrust and parry, the pulling-it-apart, the 'gosh, what am I going' aspect to all of it.

You know, I feel sorry for your husband.

Step up to the plate and act like a wife. You are married now. You stopped having the right to walk the entire length of the counter before you make up your mind, the day you took the commitment to be his wife.

Stop playing about with all of this in your head. Stop heading towards adultery.

Stop it. Grow up and do the right thing. This thread is rather revolting, you are revelling in all of this. Narc comes close... bleurgh. And hits hide...