Is this an 'emotional affair' I'm having?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Am a regular (occasional) poster but have name-changed. Not brave enough for AIBU for this one, but have seen various discussions there about 'emotional affairs' - I think I get what this means, but it's not a phrase I'd much come across til recently.

So here's the situation: I have fallen in love with a friend. We are both married with DCs. It's not a new thing: am embarrassed to admit that I've been crazy about him for 2-3 years now, and he's in my head pretty much all the time. Not a passing thing, then.

We are not having an affair. We are friends. We meet up regularly (we don't run into each other in the normal course of things any more, via work or mutual friends - so we have to make the effort to see each other). We meet up for long lunches, occasionally for drinks in the evening. We email, text, etc from time to time - not all the time, goes in phases.

I don't have a clue how he feels about me. He seems to want to see me, to be in touch, to share thoughts on big stuff and small stuff. We kiss/hug hello/goodbye. There have been times when I've thought he was trying hard to find opportunities to meet up, or when in a crowd of people he seemed to be looking particularly at me. We know each other well - have exchanged a lot of thoughts/feelings on all kinds of things, but not about each other.

I am happily married to my DH - yes, really I am. He is happily married too, as far as I know. We've met each other's partners, but mostly we don't all get together. I think the situation is that if we had met when we were single, we'd have been interested in each other. It all seems entirely above board to me - we are the soul of propriety and there's nothing to hide - except what's in my head!

So tell me, MN: am I in la-la land? Is this an emotional affair, even though we're just friends and have never said how we feel? Is there any harm in this friendship continuing, or am I playing with fire in some way? Is it bonkers/irrelevant for me to wonder endlessly how he feels about me? I need some perspective here!

Good advice, racingheart. It's what I need to do. Am going to bed tonight resolved to (a) push him out of my head (b) not contact (still to decide how to respond if/when he contacts me) (c) appreciate my truly lovely DH as he deserves. Will really try - I know it's what I need to do. Not because I'm on the verge of a torrid, marriage-wrecking affair, but because having someone else occupy my thoughts so much is unhealthy and pointless. Thank you MN! (Even AF.)

Don't 'try'

Just do it.

You are in control of your actions, remember.

When he contacts you about a meet up, agree and invite his wife along and bring your DH (keeps you both safe and all boundaries in place)

If he texts to chat, take every opportunity to insert your DH, eg. DH & I are going to ... or have seen etc etc

You will find it soon kills all illicit excitement with constant reminders of your respective spouses.

I don't think it is an emotional affair at all.

You are friends, neither of you has declared 'love' to one another, you just fancy him. I, for one, don't believe it is reciprocated at all. You would know if it was.

(I have had an 'EA' - it is more than just fancying someone - there is no doubt about the reciprocation, but you both just don't do anything about it - it's not an authentic or decent way to behave. I ended it by just saying 'we mustn't contact each other again' and stuck to it)

Also, buttercups and forgive me if I am wrong, but, having read the thread it sounds as if you WANT it to be an 'EA', you want to give it a 'label' as it would mean some extra special relationship with this man. As far as I can see, there isn't. He is just a friend.

Is it an emotional affair you are having?

No, it is a full blown affair.

Your affair started when you withheld secrets from your husband, and the ONLY CURE to your infatuation is to tell him, and to deal with the consequences.

Your imaginary scene about confessing your feelings to eachother and that it has to stop is the explosive moment when affairs become sexual (Dave Carder).

You say you like the excitement of getting to know someone and flirting - whilst having safe, staid husband at home. Well, that is an affair! It is the horrible DECEIT of this, of maintain a position of superiority over an unsuspecting person, to gain the BENEFITS of monogamy whilst getting an ego boost elsewhere, which makes the betrayal of an affair so crushing.

Please have an honest brave look at your selfish self indulgent narcissism, and take steps to end this fantasy by telling your husband. You think he isn't feeling your emotional loss?

You are not being a very honest or nice human being right now.

It's not an affair. They have been friends for years, nothing has changed in that respect apart from the OP thinking she is in love with him. Her DP knows the man, knows she meets the man.

How is it an affair? It is one-sided.

In that case I am having an affair with the man at work that I fancy. (I don't, but, just as an example)

I don't see why buttercups is not a nice person.

To tell her husband she fancies her friend is just plain ridiculous. She just needs to make excuses to not see the friend for a while, until she is over it.

I don't think this is an affair, but it has the potential to cause a load of trouble which is why it is worth stepping back at this point. I think having the odd crush or fantasy about someone is pretty normal in long-term relationships but once you start to mix it in with regular face to face meetings, chats, and secretive behaviour, it could really blow up in your face, even if you weren't having sex or a full on emotional affair- because your partner would really not like this.

There's nothing wrong, IMO, of having the odd ego boost of an old friend laughing at your jokes and reminding you that you have still got it - if it happens once a year and you don't mind if your husband joins you. I don't think all flirting/contact with the opposite sex should be forbidden, but here it seems to be taking on a primary purpose- you are deliberately seeking each other out to boost egos and make a deeper connection and that is more threatening to what you have. And it is no coincidence that this is with male friends, clearly the interest of men is what you are seeking here, not just friendship.

All the advice you have had has been good, just don't call/text him for a while, if you meet up why not meet up with partners, and only go for drinks in a long time once you are over your crush. I don't think what you have done is terribly wrong at this point, but it would be if you continued now you are more aware of what is going on and that it is not good for your marriage to continue.

More food for thought! Calypso you may be right. I'm not always certain that people do send each other unmistakable signals - particularly if they know they shouldn't. Our friendship is different to other friendships I have (late night texting, meet-ups outside our usual environments, etc), but yes, I could be completely deluded. I don't think it matters, really, whether I'm deluded or not: the effect isn't healthy, and so it should stop. (That's the advice I'd give someone else, anyway.) I always assumed boundaries were clear - but sometimes they aren't. (Unless you're an outside observer!)

Ah - late night texts - not normal!

Only you know buttercups and you sense that there is more to it. Either way, you need a bit of space. It is bloody hard, but gets easier. Took me at least a month to stop feeling really sad. I feel better now though. We had been friends for at least 10 years, so I missed him and was cross and ashamed with myself for ruining a lovely friendship, or rather, allowing it to become un-healthy. It was both of us, not just me, but I was surprised to have lost my moral compass to that extent!

I should add that I was separated and he was not, that is what made me end it as I felt far too guilty and duplicitous.

May Ï ask buttercups what sort of things/tone the late night texts are about?

Only answer if you want to - obviously!

Everything and nothing, Calypso. Chat, gossip. Nothing emotional! Tone - friendly but restrained, on both sides.

It's an EA if it's exclusive. If it excludes partners from meet-ups, avoids mention of partners and DC, excludes other third parties from meet ups because it's so nice to get together just alone, so you can get that famous rapport going, then it's EA on both sides and needs to be diluted with a bit of respect for spouses and a bit of level-headed sanity.

Calypso, do you understand the dynamics of affairs, or are you still making the assumptions that they are about sex and love?

The fact that he is not reciprocating to her mooning does not make her behaviour any less than an affair. How would her behaviour be any different if her wishes were reality?

She is: withholding important information about herself from her husband.
She is: withdrawing emotional energy from her marital relationship.
She is: indulging in a fantasy in order to avoid personal and emotional issues.

That is AN AFFAIR. It might be in her head, but it is still deceit and avoidance at the expense of someone who is unknowing (and continuing their side of the bargain).

Have you read anything about affairs? The MOST EFFECTIVE dampener on FANTASY is full and frank disclosure, in other words total HONESTY.

'Mooning'! Promise I'm not.

I honestly didn't know that wellwobbly I thought an affair was a two way street.

I still maintain the OP is not having an affair

Tip:

look at the three things she IS doing. That is an affair.

Buttercup: tell your husband. If it is all so innocent and you aren't on a slippery slope, why aren't you?

buttercups you say the texts are not emotional and are restrained, I am still on the fence as to whether he has any idea you feel this way.

How are you feeling about it all today?

There's nothing to tell your husband, OP. You haven't done anything wrong. You have alerted yourself to the dangers well before anything damaging has happened. Why hurt your partner?
I presume he too has had little crushes on other people and had the decency, like you, to be discreet about them and not take them further. They happen. Choosing and believing in monogamy doesn't mean the part of the brain that notices the opposite sex has been lobotomised.

We're not pre-programmed machines of perfection. OP is human, a good person, a kind and thoughtful and moral person. Wellwobbly, there is no need for the OP to stir trouble in her own marriage, unless she's so bored she fancies a bit of soap-style agony-drama, and she sounds far too sane and mature for that.

Feeling much more sane today, Calypso, thanks for asking! I think we have both behaved in a similar way to each other - in terms of initiating contact and the sort of stuff we share - I might be wrong but I don't think I've been obvious about my feelings. (I'm sure there are people who will scoff at that. You are free to.)

I'm resolved to try to normalise things by treating this friend like any other friend and not seeing him 1:1 - at least for a while. And I won't be the one to make contact. I won't be causing my DH entirely unnecessary hurt by telling him about my foolish infatuation - can't see what that would solve. The best thing I can do for DH is treat him well and not hide things in future - and that's what I intend to do.

Bless you, racingheart.

Sometimes this happens and the feeling passes. Ignore him for a while and try and find exciting and fun things to do with your dh. Maybe when you see the other guy again you will think "how stupid of me, he's just a friend".

Make yourself tell dh when you are meeting the friend on his own. If you are implying others are there it is lying, and that's a slippery slope.

You could also tell dh, he might well understand... Just say you're struggling wi inappropriate feelings and you want some help putting up a bit of a barrier between yourself and the other guy. Perhaps encourage dh and your friend to socialise together without you around.

Sorry missed page 5 of the thread OP. it's good that you are feeling more sane. I was going to say, thinking about this stuff and stewing over it makes it bigger than it is so you are doing the right thing discussing it out loud on here.

Whether this is an affair, an emotional affair, or not an affair [personally I would call it an emotional affair], it is not good behaviour.

From posts you made near the beginning it is not beyond the realms of possibility that your DH is doing the same thing. Or worse.