Is this an 'emotional affair' I'm having?

[ButtercupsAreFlowers]

Am a regular (occasional) poster but have name-changed. Not brave enough for AIBU for this one, but have seen various discussions there about 'emotional affairs' - I think I get what this means, but it's not a phrase I'd much come across til recently.

So here's the situation: I have fallen in love with a friend. We are both married with DCs. It's not a new thing: am embarrassed to admit that I've been crazy about him for 2-3 years now, and he's in my head pretty much all the time. Not a passing thing, then.

We are not having an affair. We are friends. We meet up regularly (we don't run into each other in the normal course of things any more, via work or mutual friends - so we have to make the effort to see each other). We meet up for long lunches, occasionally for drinks in the evening. We email, text, etc from time to time - not all the time, goes in phases.

I don't have a clue how he feels about me. He seems to want to see me, to be in touch, to share thoughts on big stuff and small stuff. We kiss/hug hello/goodbye. There have been times when I've thought he was trying hard to find opportunities to meet up, or when in a crowd of people he seemed to be looking particularly at me. We know each other well - have exchanged a lot of thoughts/feelings on all kinds of things, but not about each other.

I am happily married to my DH - yes, really I am. He is happily married too, as far as I know. We've met each other's partners, but mostly we don't all get together. I think the situation is that if we had met when we were single, we'd have been interested in each other. It all seems entirely above board to me - we are the soul of propriety and there's nothing to hide - except what's in my head!

So tell me, MN: am I in la-la land? Is this an emotional affair, even though we're just friends and have never said how we feel? Is there any harm in this friendship continuing, or am I playing with fire in some way? Is it bonkers/irrelevant for me to wonder endlessly how he feels about me? I need some perspective here!

You are very negative about married middle aged women. Whats wrong with being one? It doesn't mean you have to wear a house coat, use a carpet sweeper and fuss over your begonias. You can be anything you want to be whilst being middle aged and married.

that is a good point, FACL (and a great username)

OP, do you have many female friends ?

could you cultivate them a bit more ?

I get a lot of validation and positive reinforcement from hanging out with mine

(have you seen the thread about women who prefer the company of men, btw ?)

If you choose to be a sad cliche, that's your business. Go off with OM if that's what you want. But if your marriage is dead, at least do the decent thing and end it cleanly rather than via betrayal.

Scratching my head about how I gave the impression of not enough female friends. I have a good few fabulous female friends. And quite a few male ones too. I can't say I prefer being friends with either men or women - I like both.

Some people seem to be assuming I'm about to go off with the friend in question. It's not happening! Neither is some big confession-of-feelings scene. These feelings are in my head. I'm not about to declare them. Friend may or may not have feelings too (I have no idea really) - he's not declaring anything either. My question was 'is this an emotional affair if I feel this way but nothing has been said/done'. And I'm interested in the view that it's an affair even if just in my head - I can see the logic of that, truly I can, but it's a long way from that to abandoning my marriage. Hope that makes some sense.

emotions affair is a melancholic phrase for being a duplicitous spouse
don't kid yourself its as heartfelt or deep as emotional affair.its lying.plan and simple
if one wants to call it EA,then you're simply polishing a turd

I think you sound like you're thinking hard about all of this, OP and are seeing - or starting to see the true ramifications of this EA from the multiplicity of sides that it does have. MN is good for challenging you like that.

Don't worry about how you're coming across. You sound bothered by your behaviour, which is good. So keep posting - be prepared for probing questions and, as you say - keep it all in your head.
Do try to be honest with yourself, though. Believe me - I don't wish to sound mean when I say that There Will Not Be A Single Original Thought In Your Head about this entire situation. Every single scenario you think through will have been met on this site. People will point out every weakness in what you post - and that is why this board is so incredibly helpful.
I do recommend that you be upright, be honest, avoid adultery and tone down the amount of contact you're having. Even if it is only in your head, it is still adultery. Make no mistake about that. You don't sound remotely near acting it out, which is really goood - so for your own mental health, avoid the headfuckery which is what you are looking at at the moment, and tone it down...

in my opinion there no such thing as emotional affair.there is lying
all this star crossed lover,deep conversation,connection it's bs for I fancy him
you both got too much else too lose so some handwringing and lewd thought=emotional affair

Op you are playing with fire right now. Think long and hard about what the consequences are of what you're doing or thinking about doing.
I found out just over two weeks ago my husband had been having an affair. To cut a long heart breaking story short I have just had to rock my ten year old to sleep as she is crying for her daddy.
You cannot comprehend the agony you could potentially cause. If my husband could turn the clock back he'd give anything.
You need to be absolutely certain this man is worth it. The impact you will have on your families is devastating.

Yes,, it's an emotional affair, and having an affair is the saddest cliche there is.

Yes, you are undermining and endangering your marriage already.

Emotional affairs are worse than one night stands for the partner. If you can see this man as a friend and only see him with both your partners present maybe you can dial it back. My husband had one of these emotional affairs where he fell in love with the other person but didn't kiss them or have sex so he didn't see it as being unfaithful, but when he confessed all to me from guilt, I did and it caused a hell of a lot of heartache. STOP NOW if you really don't want to hurt anyone.

Came a bit late to this- but concentrating on your dh without cutting contact means having your cake and eating it. You have to give your dh your all, which is why other posters have suggested cutting contact on the personal level.

There is no need for a big talk with your friend. Just no, busy with dh, and life. And no details of life and thoughts. If you see him at work, then keep it light and don't discuss your personal life.

I would say your dh probably is aware anyway of your friendship and sparkle when you are going to meet with him. And cheerfulness when getting a text or email.

This is my opinion, and I'm no expert.

No, I don't think it's an emotional affair. There is no discussion of mutual feelings and there may not even be mutual feelings.

However, I do think it is dangerous and if you are honest about wanting to keep your marriage on track then you should distance yourself from this man.

I'm astonished being a duplicitous spouse can be rebranded as emotional affair
I'm surprised people believe this shite

EA is a fancy term, it has become fashionable. Adultery doesn't cut the mustard anymore, Scottish.
Along with 'toxic'. I used to use the words 'vicious c*', but I guess toxic is more acceptable, I don't know?....

yes duplicitous git doesn't have the faux touchy feelyness of emotional affair

Aye. However, when you confront the adulterer with the truth of their actions, terms like 'whoring bitch' sound a bit better than 'you've been having an EA, haven't you'.
I would insert a smiley emoticon, but it doesn't seem appropriate.

calling it emotional affair is proof you can polish a turd

too much money...eeek

oops wrong thread

You need to read this article.

Just read it - I think I've heard of this before. Some of it rings true, definitely - but not all.

Very interested in different perspectives. Agree that 'emotional affair' is a weaselly term - but it's used so often on here, it made me wonder if it was any use as a description of what's going on. And the truth is that nothing much is in fact going on. My own inclination is to interpret friend's behaviour towards me as 'just friends'. Lots of people on here think there must be more to it. (Otherwise why the talk of breaking up marriages?) And then there's the theory of 'limerence', in the link posted by Myosotis, which suggests the opposite - that I am over-interpreting non-interest as interest.

So I am as confused as ever! But I recognise better now that what's inside my head can potentially have a bigger impact on what's going on around me than I had realised. So a bit further forward maybe.

Limerence feeds on uncertainty. Consider killing it by fessing up to your feelings, and finding out if they are reciprocated or not. Perhaps a high risk strategy, but if cutting contact is impossible, then it is an alternative.

You're having a laugh, Myosotis! But yes I totally see the feeding off uncertainty thing - that's absolutely true, and that's what's doing my head in.

No no no, don't do anything that makes what can still be discreetly returned to friendship into anything that crosses the border into affair territory.

Why do you meet alone? Why not dilute the friendship with company - both couples, or a larger group of friends? It's not out of turn to fancy people. It's normal. But to have a crush suggests you need a bit more excitement in your life (NOT from an affair!)

In a slightly less abrupt way than AF, I agree with what she says - affairs are to do with something lacking in your own satisfaction with your life and what you are achieving in it. Instead of doing the tough work, which is to find out what really excites you and makes you feel alive, you (by you I mean 'one') turn to romance as a quick fix like some women turn to chocolate and get fat.

Just re-engage with the life you have.