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Original poster

Is this an 'emotional affair' I'm having?

141 replies

ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 13:08

Am a regular (occasional) poster but have name-changed. Not brave enough for AIBU for this one, but have seen various discussions there about 'emotional affairs' - I think I get what this means, but it's not a phrase I'd much come across til recently.

So here's the situation: I have fallen in love with a friend. We are both married with DCs. It's not a new thing: am embarrassed to admit that I've been crazy about him for 2-3 years now, and he's in my head pretty much all the time. Not a passing thing, then.

We are not having an affair. We are friends. We meet up regularly (we don't run into each other in the normal course of things any more, via work or mutual friends - so we have to make the effort to see each other). We meet up for long lunches, occasionally for drinks in the evening. We email, text, etc from time to time - not all the time, goes in phases.

I don't have a clue how he feels about me. He seems to want to see me, to be in touch, to share thoughts on big stuff and small stuff. We kiss/hug hello/goodbye. There have been times when I've thought he was trying hard to find opportunities to meet up, or when in a crowd of people he seemed to be looking particularly at me. We know each other well - have exchanged a lot of thoughts/feelings on all kinds of things, but not about each other.

I am happily married to my DH - yes, really I am. He is happily married too, as far as I know. We've met each other's partners, but mostly we don't all get together. I think the situation is that if we had met when we were single, we'd have been interested in each other. It all seems entirely above board to me - we are the soul of propriety and there's nothing to hide - except what's in my head!

So tell me, MN: am I in la-la land? Is this an emotional affair, even though we're just friends and have never said how we feel? Is there any harm in this friendship continuing, or am I playing with fire in some way? Is it bonkers/irrelevant for me to wonder endlessly how he feels about me? I need some perspective here!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2013 14:24

You have lied by omission to your H. You want someone else, this man however, may well just want an opportunity to bed you and keep you as his mistress. You feel that you love this man. I do not think you know him at all. I would also argue that he is no real friend of yours because otherwise he would tell you to back off. Cold turkey is now the way to go with this man, doing otherwise could well leave you with nothing ultimately but wreckage.

Realistically, what would this man actually be able to offer you?.

You want more "excitement"; define this. What is missing from your marriage to desire someone else's H so?. Perhaps you should concentrate your energies on working on your marriage with your H rather than wanting someone else. If you truly loved your DH you would use these feelings for this other man as a red flag and to look properly at how your relationship with your H could be made better.

Original poster
ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 14:26

Sorry - I'm a few messages behind - the phone rang.

You are right - all of you. And I need to hear it, and heed it - so thank you.

Someone mentioned self-esteem - I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. It is lovely being sought out, and to talk to an attractive man about all kinds of things unrelated to house, children, etc. I'm pretty certain that what I'm trying to do is have 'a break' (if you see what I mean) from my humdrum day-to-day life - but yes I do know this is a dangerous way of going about it. I'm guessing he enjoys the 'break' as well.

I don't want to have an affair. Can't even imagine how that would feel. But if I'm honest (might as well be, here!) - I wouldn't push him away. He is a very 'good' person (as I like to think I am, oh dear), so I don't think he'd ever do anything. I understand the 'slippery slope' argument, but it doesn't feel like we're on one.

OP posts:
FoundAChopinLizt · 05/06/2013 14:29

I don't want to have an affair
I wouldn't push him away

It doesn't add up, unless you don't believe you are in control of what you do. If you don't want an affair you'd push him away.

I think part of you does want to have an affair, but remember you are in control of what you do.

meditrina · 05/06/2013 14:30

"I understand the 'slippery slope' argument, but it doesn't feel like we're on one."

It never does.

FoundAChopinLizt · 05/06/2013 14:30

Sorry, forgot I'd left the thread earlier.

Original poster
ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 14:32

I now feel like I'm being immature and whiney - sorry! I came on here knowing, really, that because of the way I feel, I should stop contact - and you have all confirmed that.

I'm curious though, Attila, about why you think I "don't know him at all". We've been pretty good friends for years. But obviously there are always things we don't know about our friends - not least whether he wishes we were more than just friends! You are entirely right that I should focus on my DH - I know I should.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2013 14:33

Am sure that you are a "good person but many people do enter emotional affairs unintentionally. You are treading on dangerous round here with this man and he may well just see you purely as an opportunity. Do you really talk to your DH about your hopes and dreams?. When was the last time you really did that?.

Work on your marriage further with your DH, go to Relate if you so wish.

Original poster
ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 14:35

FoundAChopinLiszt I agree with you. It's pathetic of me to suggest that I'm not in control of what I do - I totally believe that we all are. I've become a bit obsessed with knowing how he feels - but as my counsellor said, why does that matter so much? Am trying to work out the answer.

OP posts:
elizadoolittle · 05/06/2013 14:35

ending contact is very sound advice. If I'd been given that, would I have taken it? No. I needed the car crash to see things as they truly were (not that I'm making light of things with that analogy). Others are right - the fact that you are aware you're in dangerous territory, not telling the full truth and the fact that you couldn't bear your husband to be in the same boat are your biggest clues. If your friendship is meant to be in your life it will survive the no-contact. If you can't or believe you shouldn't tell your husband your feelings, you can't really have the friendship because strong emotions like that are very difficult to contain and switch on and off and you'll always be hiding a side of yourself. You might be fine with that, but it seems from your posts that things are coming to the surface and need dealing with now.

I thought knowing how he felt would clear the air - in reality it poured petrol fuel on my feelings. You already know how he feels without the words, surely? Do everything you can to take the heat out of the situation. Use the support of your friend and, though it's a cliche, try to really connect with your DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2013 14:37

You do not really know how his everyday life is and core values; you are only seeing what he wants you to see, well really what you want to see. This is why I state you do not really know him at all. If he was really a true friend to you and he may well know that you are attracted to him, he would state that he is flattered by your company but that he is happily married and would not want to change that.

racingheart · 05/06/2013 14:38

It sounds like something that started as genuine friendship and became a 'safe' way to have a break and a bit of innocent excitement away from the humdrum life at home for both of you.

It's no longer safe. If it wrecked your marriage or his, you do know the humdrum life would remould itself around Mr Currently Perfect. He's appealing because he currently represents escape and fun chat about the world beyond family duty, bit that chat would inevitably get diluted with laundry and morning grumpiness.

Put the effort into your marriage instead. get a babysitter and go out with your DH and talk about stuff other than babies. Set up some really fun projects as a family - stuff you want to do together. Give your best self to the people who most deserve it.

FoundAChopinLizt · 05/06/2013 14:38

Most people have got an immature whiney part to them, mine comes out when I'm tired, ill or hormonal. Yours maybe comes out when you're bored.

You need to firmly tell yours to shut up- it can't have this man's adoration toy, as it he belongs to someone else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2013 14:39

I still maintain cold turkey is the way to go here re him. Can you really trust yourself around him any more?.

Original poster
ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 14:41

Attila I could do the same, couldn't I? Tell him I'm flattered by his company but I'm happily married etc? But I haven't - not least because it's not clear enough to me that there's anything I should be 'flattered' by!

Eliza how did you end up sharing your feelings with each other? (If you don't mind me asking.) Did you initiate it, and find that he felt the same way? What happened then? Sorry for all the questions - feel free to ignore or give broad-brush answers.

OP posts:
Windingdown · 05/06/2013 14:41

You are playing with fire and are very likely to get badly burned and burn your husband and DC too.

You say you need a break. Take a break from this man. Set a time limit, let's say 12 months. Spend that break doing everything you can to build your own self esteem. If you still feel this way after a year.....then maybe look at your marriage before you look back towards this man.

elizadoolittle · 05/06/2013 14:51

Hi Buttercups. It's not that I don't want to answer your question, it's just that I would strongly advise not sharing your feelings with each other. I think after 2-3 years you will know the answer and anything else is a desire to hear it. Really. The two posters above are spot-on. Give it at least a year. That will seem like an age now but time does pass.

How to cut contact before the car crash? Don't know. Just say you can't be in touch and he has to respect your wishes. But you have to be really really firm. He will probably resist it, a part of you will say there's no harm in it, you will argue with any friend, online poster or counsellor who says it's a good idea but you will probably come round to seeing that it's the only way.

I say this as someone who believes fully that open relationships and non-monogamy are valid ways to live but if you've already been married a long time, you will know yourself and your husband very well and will know if that's something either of you could live with.

Sorry you're going through this, it will not be easy, but life isn't and you will all survive. Just much much more healthily if you take control now. You will look back be glad you did this. That's just my opinion, of course I don't know you at all!

elizadoolittle · 05/06/2013 14:52

I mean after 2-3 years of knowing him, you know how he feels. That's why you keep seeing each other.

Original poster
ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 14:56

Thanks Eliza - I appreciate your insight v much.

I like what racingheart (hmm, I have one of those too!) said about 'best self' - you are so right.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/06/2013 15:12

It seems unlikely there is something "missing" in OP's marriage

I think it far more likely there is something missing in her

Original poster
ButtercupsAreFlowers · 05/06/2013 15:24

That sounds hurtful, AnyFucker. Would you mind saying what you mean?

OP posts:
Woodenpeg · 05/06/2013 15:29

I think if you crave being intimate with him, you are in very deep. IME that is the difference with being in love and loving a of the friend dearly.

I feel for you OP.

Woodenpeg · 05/06/2013 15:30

loving a friend dearly!

soz!

AnyFucker · 05/06/2013 15:31

It means what it says

Many affairs are not started because there is something wrong in a marriage, but because of some weakness in the adulterer. Selfishness, neediness, low self esteem, thrill seeking, whatever

it all usually comes back to the person who allows themselves permission to cross over that line

some of your rationalisations sound like those of an adulterer, and when adulterers look back after they were caught they cannot believe how much they denied about themselves

Jessdurberville · 05/06/2013 15:40

I think you are being very harsh AF with your choice of word 'weakness', are you bringing your own baggage to this discussion? Perhaps the word 'issue' instead might sweeten your message a little - there might be a wrong reason why she has fallen for this guy it's what she does from here that's important. When there has been no physical contact the line can be a little blurred - perhaps the line was when she pretended to her DH that she was meeting him in a group situation rather than alone. It seems that there was been a gradual dawning that her behaviour has been at fault - it seems a leap to label her a weak adulterer.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2013 15:43

< shrug >

Op asked for opinions.