Please help. I dont think I can get through today.

[happyclapper]

Have posted before about my relationship with DP. Have been together 14 yrs with 2DS 10 and 5.
Have been through alot of financial troubles over the years noy helped by DPs refusal to face reality and be aware of what is happening.
He works very hard and does not spend money on himself but has run up huge credit card bills in the past doing things for the family pretending we can afford them.
I gave up a well paid job when DS1 was 3 as I was desperately unhappy leaving him in full time childcare. This was after DP had been encouraging me to do so for several years and I has resisted as I knew it would be a financial struggle.
I got a small pt job and we downsized hut then DP was made redundant and took the first job that came along without discussing it which meant another huge pay drop.
More debt accrued but he would never look at bills or want to know about finances. He has never looked at bank statements and would hide unopened letters from bank. His favourite habit is to put his hand over the screen at cashpoint machines so he doesn't see the balance!
Then another redundancy and 6 months out of work maxing out credit cards to pay mortgage etc. But we always stuck ttogether and got through it.
Now he has been in a good job for 3 yrs and we are half way to paying of debt and able to have a few holidays and relax a bit.
We have always had a firey relationship but thats our personality.
Had a stupid argument last Monday which shamefully ended in me throwing my rings (like wedding) at him in the park and loosing them.
He was upset at the time as was I but we made huge effort to find them, me searching in dark and rain, buying metal detector etc.
Next day things weren't too bad but then over next 3 days he got more and more angry till on Thursday he refused to come on a planned family day out and then later told me that he was leaving.
Apparently all our financial problems are my fault, I've never loved him and he cant take my abuse any longer.
He can't even look at me without scowling. Says he is going to see a solicitor tom.
I am devastated. He says I've never supported him.
Although he supports us financialy and is very good with DSs he does absolutely nothing around the house. Literally. He hasn't even noticed that we've not had any cold running water downstairs for a month as tap broken.....
Today is first day we are all at home. Don't know what he's planning but he has told me a cannot be there when he is doing stuff with boys. He took them out yesterday but I think my heart will break if I have to spend another day without them.
I quess this is what I'm to expect now but I just can't do it.
Please help. Sorry for long post.

That all sounds awfully hard. Don't know what to suggest but will hold your hand til someone wise comes along. (((hug)))

Thank-you. This is so hard. Just desperate not to upset DSs. They don't know whats happening yet and seem happy enough but I expect they can tell there's an atmosphere.
We're being very careful not to argue in front of them, not that DP has ever bothered to protect them from things before.
He doesn't seem to realise he is going to plunge us both into poverty which is ironic as his main concern seems to be money.
Only last month he gave me a wonderful 50th bday and everything was better than its ever been, particularly our sex life.
It's like he's having a breakdown yet he seems so calculating.

So sorry about this. :(

But, I think you should ask yourself why you want so much to be with this man.
He racks up debt by burying his head in the sand.
He doesn't contribute at home.
He's supposed to be good with DSs, but I bet it's only for fun things.
You ended up throwing your rings at him - either you have very poor control (and should break up anyway) or the argument was serious enough for you to want to do that.

Then, your dependency on your children. Why can't you bear to spend a day without them?
You should really ask yourself that.
I really love my son and will do anything for him, but I have spent whole weeks without him.

For your own sake and self esteem, I'd be packing his bags while he's out.

Also, if he does leave, I'm sure your children will cope fine. Better than you expect.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but you need to take control too.
You seemed cowed by his actions and his accusations.

He may be less confident when you take that power away from him and tell him to go if he wants to.

I think you are right Lweji about pretty much everything. I hadn't thought of myself as being dependant on my children but I guess I am.
I suppose always being there for them I suppose they are my comfort like I am theres.
I think I do want him to leave as I just can't believe what he has turned into.
My fear is that if I put a foot wrong, despite his promises to make dure we are financialy ok, he vould get really nasty.

You knew he was bad with finances. Did you take over that job? Maybe he wasn't the only person burying their head in the sand.

You seem to blame him for everything. I am not saying he's not at fault but you are dismissing your own actions. Throwing the rings was very childish and extremely provocative. Don't know if this is the first time or the hundredth time but shows a disrespect for the marriage.

Are you happy, honestly ?

I think you should.ask him to.leave as a trial seperation. give yourself the chance to think clearly and to decide if you want this or not.

Mynewpassion. I had to sort the finances as he just wouldnt. I am not blameless and I have apologised a hundred times for my bad behaviour but he is not taking responsibilty for anything.
He is very good at completey doing his own thing but then expecting me to be the loving attention DP when he is available for the odd 5 minutes.
Never spends time with me in evenings. Likes to eat alone, stays in kitchen then goes for a run or to pub but says I dont give him enough love.
My short temper and feeling of vulnerability led to ring throwimg. After arranging 1/2 term childcare so that he was not inconvenienced at all he accused me of doing things to duit mysrlf as always. The arrangements didnt affect me either way....just made things easier for him.
He the shouted at me for pointing out a parking space and then told me he was opening a seperate bank account as he didn't know what I was doing with all his money
I buy 95% of my clothes from charity shops or eBay, never do nails or treats like that. Swapped my car for a pushbike while he accrues parking tickets in his invisible car.
I'm not perfect but neither is he but how can you just stop loving someone overnight when we had been doing do well until that 1 day.
Hes under alot of pressure at work which he tells everyone about but now alll of a sudden work is fine he says and not a problem.

Mynewpassion. I had to sort the finances as he just wouldnt. I am not blameless and I have apologised a hundred times for my bad behaviour but he is not taking responsibilty for anything.
He is very good at completey doing his own thing but then expecting me to be the loving attention DP when he is available for the odd 5 minutes.
Never spends time with me in evenings. Likes to eat alone, stays in kitchen then goes for a run or to pub but says I dont give him enough love.
My short temper and feeling of vulnerability led to ring throwimg. After arranging 1/2 term childcare so that he was not inconvenienced at all he accused me of doing things to duit mysrlf as always. The arrangements didnt affect me either way....just made things easier for him.
He the shouted at me for pointing out a parking space and then told me he was opening a seperate bank account as he didn't know what I was doing with all his money
I buy 95% of my clothes from charity shops or eBay, never do nails or treats like that. Swapped my car for a pushbike while he accrues parking tickets in his invisible car.
I'm not perfect but neither is he but how can you just stop loving someone overnight when we had been doing do well until that 1 day.
Hes under alot of pressure at work which he tells everyone about but now alll of a sudden work is fine he says and not a problem.

Sounds like you gave him an in. Whatever happened at the park gave him a reason for all the ills of the world to be your fault.
He is an avoider, prevaricator - sounds like his house of cards may be closer to tumbling down than even you know.
But now, well now it's all your fault, everything & ergo your responsibility.
He stewed on this and twisted it up until he was off scot free.
He sounds like he was only a superficially good husband at the very best of times tbh.
You have a huge drain on your resources while you are together. I would cut & run, he's giving you nothing to fight for.

Apparently all our financial problems are my fault, I've never loved him and he cant take my abuse any longer

It is so easy to let your partner, who you trust, get away with financial abuse for so long. He is incompetent with money and encouraged you to give up a good job. You had a choice years ago, either to take 100% control of all family finances, including his paycheck, or to be independent financially and leave.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL about this. That is the first thing I would do. Secrets are damaging. Get some support for yourself.

Second, call his bluff and let him go. Either he no longer loves you, or is playing control games. Don't beg him to stay.

Get yourself a good, full time job. Being independent will be good for you.

Get on and rebuild your life. Either he will come back with his tail between his legs and you can start working on how to fix your relationship, including him not having direct access to money and credit. Or he will leave, either way it puts you in a more confident and stronger position, and allows you to get some self-respect back.

Start making financial decisions yourself. I know that when you are not the breadwinner that is hard, but you may find that you are way more savvy money wise than him.

Totally, thats pretty much how I see it. My friends think he's flipped.
It's so scary though. 50 yrs old with 2 young children and no way of supporting myself.
He accussed me of playing a good game but after giving up a well paid job all those years ago I'm now up shit creek without a paddle. Some game!
He's still asleep upstairs. Feel like I'm going to have a heart attack everytime I hear a movement.

Agree with TotallyBursar.

If he took the kids out yesterday, get yourself ready and you take them today. Ignore any shouting or criticism. Tell him it will give him a day to sort himself out before he sees the solicitor. Don't beg him to stay, it won't work out well. See how he then reacts.

You sound very stressed. Try gently taking your pulse when you feel like you are going to have a heart attack. And breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It reminds yourself that you are still alive and well and helps you calm down. That's the very short term.
Longer term, today. Are you dressed? Can you get dressed without waking him? Do that, and you will start to feel a bit more able to cope. Small steps, make a cup of tea, tidy, read story to kids, whatever seems normal.
Much longer term. It sounds like this might be it. Do you want to live like this until the children are grown? You may feel that you can't support yourself, but you can.
Hope that helps.

Calmingtea. I think part of the problem is I have made all the financial decisions since getting debt sorted and he feels hes lost control but everytime I tried to discuss something with him he would say 'i don't want to know'.
We have a summer holiday booked which he was obviously included in when deciding where to go. He now claims he wasn't aware he much it was costing and we shouldnt have booked it.

What you describe is such a childish reaction from him, re the I don't want to know comment. He sounds like he is treating you like his parent, instead of respectfully as his wife and partner and equal.

Does he have debt you don't know about, since he is now worried about the summer holiday?

Are you happy in this relationship, as it is? Sounds stressful to say the least.

Thank-you Elinor. No not dressed but am playing games with DS5. Every movement seems scarey. Think will try and get out of house but dont want to leave DSs behind....they want to crash on sofa this morning.....but worried he will take them out somewhere and he wont tell me. Really don't want another whole day without them. They will twig somethings up.
Funny how hes managing to sleep more than he does normally.
Usually he's a terrible sleeper but he's managing to lie in again. Can hear him snoring. I've had about 4hrs a night ladt 3 days.

I guess I'm not happy with him but am happy with family life, mostly. No relationships perfect and I am desperate to give my DSs a proper family life but I guess this is no good for them if they know we aren't happy.
Dont think he had any more debt. We are in a DMP, but he could well have.
He had big issues with being controlled, as he sees it.
His parents were VERY controlling well into his 20's. Telling him what university, what degree, what job he should do. He never got to follow his own ambitions.
Now I guess he feels midlife approaching and hes stuck in a job he hates with his hard earnings being controlled by me.
Dont know how he thinks this will improve if he leaves.
He doesnt earn enough to support 2 homes, though obviously I will have to find more work.
Just dont get how the man who was pulling me onto his knee last week seems to hate my very bring a few days later.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

Are you on anti-depressants / having any form of therapy?

If not I suggest you make an appointment with your GP first thing tomorrow. Even if so I suggest you maybe see your GP to get them reviewed.

You shouldn't be feeling like you can't get through the day.

Sorry to say this but could there be someone else in the picture?

Have the morning with your DC then and if he goes on about taking then out, say okay, it will give you some chance to get paperwork sorted as you both need to do that. Call his bluff. You can manage without them for half a day. But having said that he shouldn't get to dictate the day - though it night be to your advantage to do some checking while he is out.

Not on Anti d's. Am not depressed.....yet, just in shock and terrified my life is about to collapse.
Don't think theres OW but could be wrong. Off for shower and hes STILL asleep.
Any views on maybe hes heading for a breakdown?

Take care of yourself, happy. I'm so sorry you're being put through this.

In all honesty it doesn't sound quite like a breakdown, but that there is another factor involved that you don't know about.

But you've been coping with a lot of aggression and selfishness from him, anyway, not to mention stress from the debt. :( I would agree with TotallyBursar ... He's given you nothing to fight for.

Well he's up and actually being civil which is a huge relief. Think he's calmed down a bit.
I asked him if there was anything he needed ftom me to take to the solicitor tomorrow and he said he wasn't going.
I then asked him if he wanted me to go to CAB to get some info and he said no.
Calling his bluff to let him know I'm prepared to go thtough with this but hoping he's maybe having second thoughts.
Am I setting mysrlf up for being devasted all over again when he trlls me he's still leaving.
Am happier living in hope though.