Please help. I dont think I can get through today.

[happyclapper]

Have posted before about my relationship with DP. Have been together 14 yrs with 2DS 10 and 5.
Have been through alot of financial troubles over the years noy helped by DPs refusal to face reality and be aware of what is happening.
He works very hard and does not spend money on himself but has run up huge credit card bills in the past doing things for the family pretending we can afford them.
I gave up a well paid job when DS1 was 3 as I was desperately unhappy leaving him in full time childcare. This was after DP had been encouraging me to do so for several years and I has resisted as I knew it would be a financial struggle.
I got a small pt job and we downsized hut then DP was made redundant and took the first job that came along without discussing it which meant another huge pay drop.
More debt accrued but he would never look at bills or want to know about finances. He has never looked at bank statements and would hide unopened letters from bank. His favourite habit is to put his hand over the screen at cashpoint machines so he doesn't see the balance!
Then another redundancy and 6 months out of work maxing out credit cards to pay mortgage etc. But we always stuck ttogether and got through it.
Now he has been in a good job for 3 yrs and we are half way to paying of debt and able to have a few holidays and relax a bit.
We have always had a firey relationship but thats our personality.
Had a stupid argument last Monday which shamefully ended in me throwing my rings (like wedding) at him in the park and loosing them.
He was upset at the time as was I but we made huge effort to find them, me searching in dark and rain, buying metal detector etc.
Next day things weren't too bad but then over next 3 days he got more and more angry till on Thursday he refused to come on a planned family day out and then later told me that he was leaving.
Apparently all our financial problems are my fault, I've never loved him and he cant take my abuse any longer.
He can't even look at me without scowling. Says he is going to see a solicitor tom.
I am devastated. He says I've never supported him.
Although he supports us financialy and is very good with DSs he does absolutely nothing around the house. Literally. He hasn't even noticed that we've not had any cold running water downstairs for a month as tap broken.....
Today is first day we are all at home. Don't know what he's planning but he has told me a cannot be there when he is doing stuff with boys. He took them out yesterday but I think my heart will break if I have to spend another day without them.
I quess this is what I'm to expect now but I just can't do it.
Please help. Sorry for long post.

Can you say more about the argument in the park and how it started?

Also, your other thread from February seems to have been inspired by your partner saying that you were neglecting him, despite him allegedly spending 15 hours at work each day, regular business trips away from home and 6 hours every Saturday at his hobby, plus being out of the house at gym visits and on runs. Had I seen your thread at the time, I would have said that your partner was deliberately creating the conditions for you to neglect him - and for him to neglect you. It would frankly be impossible for you to do anything but neglect eachother, because of the paucity of time spent together, but your partner has always been the one who's determined that schedule by rarely being at home.

Now you're having rows and he's saying he wants to leave. I wonder how that row started and what was behind it? I doubt it's got anything to do with what's really going on here, but was a handy springboard for him to say he's leaving.

In short, I think you're being played here, but you just don't realise it. I think there is either someone else or several someone elses and that you're mostly operating in the dark if you don't take that threat seriously. You are extremely vulnerable as you're not married to this man, are financially dependent on him and have already identified that you think he will get 'really nasty' about money if you split.

Op...what do you want to do and if you were advising your daughter let's say, what would you advise her to do?

The argument started because he had a bad cold that day and was really tired and grumpy. He'd previously been stressed by his mom and dad who he has s bizarre amount of anxiety about in regard to their opinions and not upsetting them..
This all led to him snapping at me over something trivial and I stormed off.
When he reached me he said ' oh btw I've opened a separate bank account. I asked if this was for a bonus payment he had received and he said no. It was to pay his salary into so he could keep track of where the money was going.
This was obviously meant to be a kick in the teeth to me and thats when I threw the ring and told him he could stuff his money.
He now says he didn't say it was for his salary as that wouldn't make sense as all the bills come out of our joint account so what would be the point but thats not true.
We had previously discussed opening a seperate account for hi bonus as we both thought that was a good idea but why would he have brought that up then when we were arguing?

I don't know what I want to do Rulesgirl. He has so many good qualities and we have had such lovely times. I know that sounds a bit weak.
If I thought things like this would always blow up I would rather call it a day now. It's not fair on me , the kids or even him to carry on like this.

So are you saying that he was behaving and saying things that were designed to make you angry, you snapped and then he followed you to tell you that he'd opened a new account to pay his salary into, without discussing those banking and financial arrangements with you first?

And is now gaslighting you by claiming that he didn't say that at all?

And this row that seems to have been engineered by him was so bad that it has caused him to want to leave home?

That is a fair summary but you have to add in he's been under a lot of stress at work etc.
I guess that doesnt sound too good does it?
It's hard to describe a relationship on paper so to speak. You have to try and appreciate he spends 14hrs a day doing something he hates to make sure DS's and me have everything we need.
We recently had a weekend away where he had a taste of a job that he woulld love to do but theres no way we can afford for him to loose his salary.
And before anyone pipes up 'why don't I get more hours' if I worked an 80hr week I couldnt earn anywhere near his salary.
However, if he suggested anything that was remotely possible I would support him.
I think he feels very disappointed and trapped.

He just sounds like hes had enough and feels unsupported. You could work more hours in a proper job while the kids are in school. Every little helps. He doesn't sound like a bad man. Maybe, just maybe, you heard him wrong.

do you know what. I think you need to stop focusing on HIM and focus on YOU bit. You come over as a needy slightly strange person who is entirely dependent on her husband to keep her and decide how their joint relationship pans out, and her children to provide a sense of importance.

Its not normal to say you cant bear to spend a day away from your kids. One day they will grow up, and guess what, they will leave home and may even have families of their own. They are not your possessions to be held onto to make you feel better.

And you seem to take no responsibility for anything; even though you are clearly not happy you are waiting for your H to decide what happens?

some therapy for you might be a good place to start ?

Men who are under stress at work don't usually want to leave their relationships. There are other reasons why they want to do that.

But you don't seem to want to consider or explore the most likely reason so I'll wish you good luck.

I am considering an OW actually.
How can I be unsupporting when I do everything for him?
I must have given the wrong impression re: my DS's. Of course I can be apart from them. It was just that situation of not having the choice to be with them if I have to split them wuth DP that would be heartbreaking.
As for being strange due to my dependency on DP it's quite the reverse that has contributed to the problem.
Obviously I am financialy dependant but emotionaly in the normsl course of things I am very strong.
I don't crave love and attention and I have no problem with him not being around when he has to go away with work.
I think he would like me to be a bit more ,not needy, but somewhere close to that.

I feel like I'm reading a different thread to some posters. Your husband is out of the house so much I can't actually see when you could give him any more attention. But I think you need to challenge so much of what you currently believe as fact.

For example, I honestly don't think your partner works 14-15 hours every day, nor do I think he is where he says he is when he is out of the house so much, in addition to work.

Have you actually looked for any evidence of him playing away?

If not, why not?

Good point B
Op your husband doesn't seem ti feel supported. If he is having an affair I guess it started when he was telling you how neglected.

Good point B
Op your husband doesn't seem ti feel supported. If he is having an affair I guess it started when he was telling you how neglected.

he was. Sorry internet dropped. So you need to find out if he is having an affair. Can you check his phone , phone bill. computer etc?

Jesus....

Quit the victim-blaming RulesGirl.

It's far more likely that this whining about the OP neglecting him happened long after he'd started playing away from home.

When the fuck was the OP supposed to give him any attention when at his behest, he was never bloody there?

If he's having an affair, it's not the OP's fault. Even if he was desperately unhappy in his relationship (and I doubt that, having read both threads) infidelity is never an acceptable action.

OMG. Can some of you guys not see beyond the predictable OW?
When I say he's working 15hrs a day its because he starts answering emails at home at about 7am before leaving for work, then works till about 10pm AT HOME after he arrives home at 6.
When he is away it's very easy to check up on him and I have.
If he is having an affair, and I haven't dismissed it completely, it would be at some very odd and rare time.
So can we dtop that for a moment and think of something more constructive.
If it is an OW. I can't do anything about it now and it's game over.
If there is another explanation I would like to know how I can try and solve our problems.

Just for the sake of argument, why does he need to start answering mails at home and do it until 10pm?
For all you know he could be shagging someone at work, lunch hours, etc.

Just because it seems improbably, it doesn't make it impossible.

I think what people may be hinting at is that the reason he has to do so much work at home is that he might not be doing as much work at work as you think he is, eg having 4 hour lunches with someone and has to catch up with work when he gets home.

x post with lweji

Because he's doing the job of 3 people and has a completely incompetent boss will send emails that he wants instant replies to in out of office hours.
He works in a compny that has an office of only 2 women under 50.
I've been there........
Jesus, I've said its possible ! Just not likely so any other ideas?

Well I did not originally go with the other woman. I think that whether you like it or not he feels neglected emotionally and sexually deprived. He works very hard and is working 15 hours a day so it is then your job to look after children cook and do chores etc. But you seem to be thinking that it should be how you want it to be. Bottom line is that your husband seems to have had enough and wants out. Others have said things not related to other woman too.

As with all these stories it's not like we get the full story.

Any other ideas about what?

Why he wants to leave you? Well it's possible he's just had enough and thinks that being a single parent is better than being in a relationship with someone who does everything for him. Unlikely, but possible.

What to do about this situation if you don't want to look for any evidence of an affair? You could talk to him about what you want to happen and find out what he wants to happen. At the moment, he's said he's leaving and intends to consult solicitors, he's already set up a separate bank account - but still seems to be there, asking you to stay out of the way. So you either put up with that state of affairs or you tackle it.

Christ on a bike it's like Stepford on here today.

Believe me he's not sexually deprived. Maybe a while back he would have liked more though he's never gone short. Since our major turnaround a few months ago he's had more sex than any man needs!