Please help. I dont think I can get through today.

[happyclapper]

Have posted before about my relationship with DP. Have been together 14 yrs with 2DS 10 and 5.
Have been through alot of financial troubles over the years noy helped by DPs refusal to face reality and be aware of what is happening.
He works very hard and does not spend money on himself but has run up huge credit card bills in the past doing things for the family pretending we can afford them.
I gave up a well paid job when DS1 was 3 as I was desperately unhappy leaving him in full time childcare. This was after DP had been encouraging me to do so for several years and I has resisted as I knew it would be a financial struggle.
I got a small pt job and we downsized hut then DP was made redundant and took the first job that came along without discussing it which meant another huge pay drop.
More debt accrued but he would never look at bills or want to know about finances. He has never looked at bank statements and would hide unopened letters from bank. His favourite habit is to put his hand over the screen at cashpoint machines so he doesn't see the balance!
Then another redundancy and 6 months out of work maxing out credit cards to pay mortgage etc. But we always stuck ttogether and got through it.
Now he has been in a good job for 3 yrs and we are half way to paying of debt and able to have a few holidays and relax a bit.
We have always had a firey relationship but thats our personality.
Had a stupid argument last Monday which shamefully ended in me throwing my rings (like wedding) at him in the park and loosing them.
He was upset at the time as was I but we made huge effort to find them, me searching in dark and rain, buying metal detector etc.
Next day things weren't too bad but then over next 3 days he got more and more angry till on Thursday he refused to come on a planned family day out and then later told me that he was leaving.
Apparently all our financial problems are my fault, I've never loved him and he cant take my abuse any longer.
He can't even look at me without scowling. Says he is going to see a solicitor tom.
I am devastated. He says I've never supported him.
Although he supports us financialy and is very good with DSs he does absolutely nothing around the house. Literally. He hasn't even noticed that we've not had any cold running water downstairs for a month as tap broken.....
Today is first day we are all at home. Don't know what he's planning but he has told me a cannot be there when he is doing stuff with boys. He took them out yesterday but I think my heart will break if I have to spend another day without them.
I quess this is what I'm to expect now but I just can't do it.
Please help. Sorry for long post.

he'd

I am sort of. I said a few things about stuff that we should do if he's leaving and he's just dismissed them.
Like playng cat and mouse. Not fun!

Could he be exhausted? Does he work for himself? Would he consider counselling? I think you really must get him to lay his cards on the table re his intentions, even if he doesn't know what he wants to do - but to say one minute he is going to solicitor and then change that is not acceptable. Its not about you having a cushy number, it doesnt matter if you are a lady wot lunches or yourself work 15 hours a day, that wont change his workload. I would be insisting on a candid talk with some decisions, even if they are short term being made.

That's what's so sad. We did have the big talk about his work about 7 weeks ago.
He'd got to the point he almost seemed manic. He was packing so much into his day it was ridiculous.
I put my foot down and said I'd had enough and he had to change. It was like he just snapped out of it and seemed to realise how ridiculous it had become.
He sent his cv out to lots of companies and cut back on as much as he could.
Everything wad better than ever then wham, he has a bad week gets a mard on , I jump to conclusions and over react and it's all over.
We've both been really stupid. What can I do now?
The invisible car thing is he's hopeless about buying parking tickets and for the sake of 50p will end up with a fine which he then doesnt pay on time as an act of rebellion and ends up paying double.
Idiot!

Have tried counseling before. Helped a bit but basically he gets very defensive and feels like he's being blamed for everything.

Do you think that maybe your both as bad as each other.? You say he's a hard working man who's good with the kids works all the hours god sends and had said he wants to feel special and more loved by you. He must be tired working so hard to get money to pay off debts etc. He seems to feel neglected and low down on the pecking order reading from your other post. Have you said your sorry for throwing the rings he gave you?

You are spot on Rulesgirl but its hard to fit love in when someones not around and mega busy. Our sex life improved 100% after he cut back but things slid again a bit recently.
I said sorry 100 times.
Don't know whether to keep letting him know I still love him and that I'm sorry or just to appear a bit resigned to him going to make splitting seem more of a reality.for him.

Am beginning to hate night time. Days easier keeping busy but eveything just keeps going round and round in my head at night anf although I'm so tired I cant sleep more than a couple of hours.

Could he be persuaded to see the GP for any physical reason for the changes in his mood and behaviour?

Maybe. In a calm moment he might consider it but at the moment that would be an admission that he is partly to blame. Dare not suggest it yet.

Just woken up to those same feelings of panic. Can't bear thought that this is how I'm going to feel every morning for a long time.
Probably foolishly have been looking at other posts about husbands leaving.
Many describe just how DP is, failing to remember any of the lovely times we've had, seeing the whole relationship as awful. These guye seem to use these false memories as a way of justifing leaving and to avoid taking any blame.
Doesn't bode well.......they don't seem to have a change of heart.
Many seem to be a similar age too.....midlife crisis age.
MN usually makes me feel encouraged but backfired thid time. Think I'm going down same road. Feel like I'm being slowly killed.

I'm sorry and i'm all for saving marriages, but you need to clarify what is happening with him.
He got you on tenterhooks trying to guess what he's going to do.

Regardless of whose fault it is, it's not on to leave it like that.
You should be able to discuss your marriage, even if through relate.

Do you want to be married to this man?

Sorry, not married, just with this man.

If you do want then I'd push for a proper conversation and proper action on both sides.

If you don't, then tell him that.

This situation can only be bad for you.

Why is it his responsibility to sort the tap out when he works 15 hours a day and you potter about going to Pilates? It does sound like there are two sides to this fall out.

I may have missed it in the thread but have you gone to counselling together to try and balance the relationship better?

Yes, have been to counseling and it did air down on the side of him having to cut back on his stuff and take more responsibility in the home.
But as I've said before he doesn't like being told what to do so made no difference really. It only changed when I said I had had enough and I shocked him into realising he'd gone too far.
When you guys remind me to think of us in these terms I do wonder if I want to be with him and I feel a little stronger. Thank-you.
The only people he listens to are his parents. Infact they still. have that parental hold over him and he really fears their disapproval.
Dont know if he thinks this seperation can happen without them finding out too!
I've thought if speaking to them as they can be quite supportive of me when he's been difficult in the past.
Trouble is they are very emotional and not in the best of health.
If I do involve them it could help or it could make things spirsl in the wrong direction.

I think that you have to call his bluff around separating, it is the only thing to do.

You can not change him only he can do that. I think if you really want your situation to change (not just for him to morph into a different person) then you really should be more reflective about your contribution to your situation. Being financial dependant on someone who is financially irresponsible is STUPID! take some responsibility. You quit your "well paying job" because YOU wanted to and it appears he encouraged you because a) he knew it was something you really wanted b) he would get out of doing anything in the house or with the children that he didn't explicitly want to do. c) he would have the I'm the breadwinner and work v long hours line to excuse his irresponsibility.

Why is it OK for you to "potter about going to Pilates" while he works 15 hour days? Why can't you bear to spend anytime away from your children (if they are going to school then yeah you can)?

He was not alone in creating this dysfunctional relationship.

It is not so strange for him to suggest maybe moving out and pretending for the kids. From his point of view he can pursue his own agenda (OW, bachelorhood???) and avoid your "nagging" whilst maintaing the pretence of happy families for his parents and the kids.

You have normalised a dysfunctional relationship I hope your children don't do the same.

I think that you have to call his bluff around separating, it is the only thing to do.

If money is such an issue, why are you still in a part time job pottering about doing Pilates whilst he works long hours? It doesn't sound like cutting back on his hours makes any kind of sense. I don't see why he shoud take more responsibility in the home when you appear to be doing very little.

Gosh, soupdragon - could you be a little less supportive, do you think?

I agree with others.
You need to ask him to move out so you can get your head around this.
I'm really sorry, but I also agree with a couple of others here, there could be someone else on the scene now.
Don't separate on his terms. Do it on yours.
It will be a horrible atmosphere in the house so you don't want to continue as you are and hope the DC don't notice. They will notice!!
Pack him a bag today.
Good luck.

I dont feel this man is completely financially irresponsible....he's working as many hours as he can. Op you say that sex is. better when he's not working so hard. Can he ever get it right? He doesn't help round the house because he is working so much surely. I'm afraid from what you have said here that your husband feels unsupported and he has had enough. Soupdragon has some good points here.

Isatan.......I agree.

I can see nearly all your points of view except if I take control and force him out when maybe he is having second thoughts he will feel I am being controlling which is one of his major issues in life in general as well as with me.
I have suggested to him I get a job mamy times but he knows that.would impact on his ability to do all of his stuff. The answer is for him to do less so he actually had time for me and DS's.
Our financial situation is under control now.
It's not just work. He fills all his time with stuff.

if I were you I would leave it and go with the flow. He's angry and has been angry for awhile. Don't force the issue. You both seem to be at fault and need to sort out how you relate to each other before its too late. The man just wants to feel loved and respected by you. You see it your way and he sees it his.