Please help. I dont think I can get through today.

[happyclapper]

Have posted before about my relationship with DP. Have been together 14 yrs with 2DS 10 and 5.
Have been through alot of financial troubles over the years noy helped by DPs refusal to face reality and be aware of what is happening.
He works very hard and does not spend money on himself but has run up huge credit card bills in the past doing things for the family pretending we can afford them.
I gave up a well paid job when DS1 was 3 as I was desperately unhappy leaving him in full time childcare. This was after DP had been encouraging me to do so for several years and I has resisted as I knew it would be a financial struggle.
I got a small pt job and we downsized hut then DP was made redundant and took the first job that came along without discussing it which meant another huge pay drop.
More debt accrued but he would never look at bills or want to know about finances. He has never looked at bank statements and would hide unopened letters from bank. His favourite habit is to put his hand over the screen at cashpoint machines so he doesn't see the balance!
Then another redundancy and 6 months out of work maxing out credit cards to pay mortgage etc. But we always stuck ttogether and got through it.
Now he has been in a good job for 3 yrs and we are half way to paying of debt and able to have a few holidays and relax a bit.
We have always had a firey relationship but thats our personality.
Had a stupid argument last Monday which shamefully ended in me throwing my rings (like wedding) at him in the park and loosing them.
He was upset at the time as was I but we made huge effort to find them, me searching in dark and rain, buying metal detector etc.
Next day things weren't too bad but then over next 3 days he got more and more angry till on Thursday he refused to come on a planned family day out and then later told me that he was leaving.
Apparently all our financial problems are my fault, I've never loved him and he cant take my abuse any longer.
He can't even look at me without scowling. Says he is going to see a solicitor tom.
I am devastated. He says I've never supported him.
Although he supports us financialy and is very good with DSs he does absolutely nothing around the house. Literally. He hasn't even noticed that we've not had any cold running water downstairs for a month as tap broken.....
Today is first day we are all at home. Don't know what he's planning but he has told me a cannot be there when he is doing stuff with boys. He took them out yesterday but I think my heart will break if I have to spend another day without them.
I quess this is what I'm to expect now but I just can't do it.
Please help. Sorry for long post.

So you are just going to sit there and hope he doesn't leave you? You need to stop being so passive. This guy is going to drag you down and blame you for your own downfall. He's an awful, manipulative man child (the cash point thing is ridiculous - I thought people grew out of that by 21) and you are enabling him.

this relationship sounds so awful. He's an addict, you're addicted to him. Hell.

You say he does his own thing eg eating alone etc - what, always? or currently?

It does sound, though, that he entirely pleases himself. Just out of interest, but would you have wanted to be married? YOu have (had) the rings but you haven't actually married - is that how you wanted it, or he wanted it?

You are doing all the work (including literally doing all the work in the house) - and he does nothing. Just pleases himself, runs up debts, refuses to acknowledge reality (to the point of shielding the 'truth' at the cashpoint); while you're scurring around, enabling his addiction by covering for the chaos it creates. All in the [entirely] deluded belief that one makes sacrifices in relationships. Well yes, but not to this extent.

Have a look at CoDA , which may help you to bring some stability into your life. Your life, that is. imo he is not interested in stability of any kind in his life; just doing his own thing and fuck the consequences, it's somebody else's fault.

(If you find it hard to do it for you, then please do it for your kids.)

Am happier living in hope though

that's both of you, then

Sorry for going awol but life carries on.
Well he is actually speaking to me normally now. Has said he is not going to solicitors tom but maybe that just means he's in no rush.
Has come out with. few other things that make me think he's not aware of the reality of what he wants to do.
He kerps saying he will let me have anything I want and things will stay the ssme.
He even thinks that he can work it so the boys dont realise hes gone. What ? Slipping out after they've gone to bed.
He's still mad at me and doesn't eant to be around me but don't think he wants anything else to change.
I quess I just have to decide what I want.
Many of your posts are correct but he works very long hours. I'm very independent in practical ways so we just sort of fell into our roles so I suppose I have enabled him to be the way he is but I felt that wa a fair deal gor him supporting me.

I'm one of those posters who notices timelines.

So, the tap's been broken for a month and you've had no cold water.

A month ago he organised a lovely birthday for you and you were happier than ever.

Now he's engineering massive rows and wants to leave.

So in the past month, something - or someone - has happened, hasn't it?

It looks like the problems have been going on longer than a month

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1694816-Workaholic-DP-says-IM-neglecting-HIM

He kerps saying he will let me have anything I want and things will stay the ssme.
He even thinks that he can work it so the boys dont realise hes gone. What ? Slipping out after they've gone to bed.
He's still mad at me and doesn't eant to be around me but don't think he wants anything else to change.

Just read that through a few times and tell me OP if you think that's logical. Are you saying he wants to PRETEND to your DCs that you're still together and then slip out at night to go somewhere else after they're asleep?? Seriously?

Gosh badinage, I think you are lovely, but you mention another person again.
Obviously occasionally you are going to be right, and I dont think you want each and every couple to split up.
Not sure what I am saying, but I dont think you are right that often about there being another woman.

The op on this occasion I dont think is going anywhere.
I think this is a row.
I think the op and oh have an unusual set up relationship wise, but the op does not want him to leave, and I dont think he is going anywhere either, though I could be wrong.

Think AF was right on that other thread then. There's probably infidelity involved here.

You post what you like Ilikethebreeze.

You seem to suggest that selfish, lazyarse cheating men are simply depressed more often than not, but that's your opinion eh?

I'll post what I like too thanks very much. It's up to the OP what she makes of the different posts.

On which thread have I posted the second line, badinage?

Having read the thread and the previous one that was linked I would be inclined to agree with b that your dh has had his head turned by another woman and she is making him feel good about himself.

This isn't an appropriate discussion to be had on someone else's thread is it?

You have your opinion that this is a 'row'.

I have an opinion (having read the thread that was helpfully linked) that this is a relationship with a selfish, lazy man who's also probably unfaithful. I'm not even the only person on this thread to suggest that, nor was I the first. And others suggested the same on the other thread which I'd never seen before today.

Just post what you think and let others post what they think.

It does need to be said so I have said it.

And please dont post things about another poster that you cannot back up.

Marking place to read properly later i have experodnce of this

op are you there?

I can back it up of course but I don't think it's appropriate to hijack someone's support thread with petty arguments. Seeing as you made a similar snipey post on another thread the other day and I answered you honestly then and without rancour, I'm afraid I bit today when you did it again and for that I apologise.

Can we concentrate on the OP now?

It really is okay to have different opinions.

It's not okay to disrupt a thread with personal gripes against a poster.

Please please back it up. pm me with it. Thanks.

No idea which other thread you are talking about either. So please pm me with that one too.

[perhaps you have me muddled up with another poster?]

Back to the op.

Oh this is really not good. You do realise he will never be able to take any responsibility. He is quite prepared to let you run yourelf into the ground and still blame you when you can't achieve the impossible. The more problems you sort out on your own the more he creates and then blames on you.
You really need to walk away now this environment is no example to your children. You know things are not right to have wrapped so much of your own identity with them. Its time to face the reality he checked out of the marriage years ago, if he was ever really in it.

He doesn't want to live in the world and anyone who tries to make him do it is at fault for all the worlds ills. Yes he will sink, but he is quite prepared to take you and your children down with him blaming you the entire time. Please save yourself and them a little heartache and build a more secure life.

I haven't read the other thread, but to me it seems obvious what has happened - he has acrrued further debt and is hiding it from you OP. That is why he brought it all up about the money, he is trying to shift responsibility for it and cannot so he is creating friction between the two of you, probably to punish himself in a strange sort of way.

I wondered how long it would be before people suggested an OW. It may or may not be the case, none of us know.

What is concrete is that he cannot just leave you dangling like this, not knowing what he is planning, tell him, if he wants to leave, leave - make your own appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand. Take control of the situation, you'll feel so much better.

We'll there is the thing. Non of us ever really know anything other than a one sided view of a relationship or problem so all we do is speculate. So all theories will cone up. If we heard the man's side then he probably would have very valid points and reasons for his actions too. But generally ladies on here side on the op cause all we know is what she or he tells us. We don't know anything other than an op' s truth so it's all pretty much speculative really.

I agree 100% Rulesgirl

Back agsin, sorry. Aside from the argument about OW which I'm not naive enough to to dismiss completely but I dont think that's it, I dont think there's more debt either.
Also calling him lazy is a million miles of the mark. He literally does work 15 hr days, sometimes from home so I can see it with my own eyes.
I, on the other hand, have Mon, Turs. Wed to myself when I potter about, go to Pilates, meet ftiends etc then I work for a friend on a Thurs/Fri in a very cushy number.
I am hardly downtrodden, quite the opposite which is why I think its completely reasonable I tske responsiblility for the home.
What should I do? Get him to cook dinner at 8 pm when I've keen sitting on my arse all day.
Now I'll get slated for changing my tune. I haven't.
The distribution of work isn't the problem.
I see it as he's lost perspective and in the midst of a bad argument and been completely exhausted by work and thought that no matter how hard he works its all going wrong and he's had enough.

We do have a one side view, however, I'd advise calling the bluff when someone threatens to leave.

What do you mean about him getting parking tickets for his 'invisible car'?

Why do you think he's get 'really nasty' about money if you split up?