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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often do you lose your temper

110 replies

bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:26

And throw things? After a hard day when I just wanted to relax (dp been out all day doing his hobbies) dp would not let me watch any of my programmes. After him being generally annoying I lost the plot, kicked a laundry basket and smashed a bottle of beer in the kitchen. Hmm It's not the first time I have chucked and broken stuff (usually some china, like a mug). Ds was fast asleep, but could it disturb him? Dp just makes me so annoyed sometimes I haut have an outpouring and lose it. Is this normal or not? What can I do? I feel like I'd be a total martyr if I just let him dominate. Help please. Feel guilty Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:27

Ps also worried of our neighbours head the whole thing as windows were open!

OP posts:
LemonDrizzled · 31/05/2013 22:29

When I was with the wrong man, I lost it most days.

Now I am with the right man, I never get angry. I have come to the conclusion it was living with someone inconsiderate and selfish that triggered my rage.

I'm sorry you had a hard day and that it has ended with an argument. Can you get him to sit and talk it through tomorrow over a coffee or something and explain why you were upset?

Curiositykilledthecrap · 31/05/2013 22:31

Never like that. If you were a guy I'd think you shoulda ltb.

Seriously - dont throw things. Nothing ever got resolved that way.

ZZZenagain · 31/05/2013 22:32

I don't do it but maybe you're just a different type , if you have always reacted a bit like this. I don't think it affected ds. As you said, he slept through it

TheOrchardKeeper · 31/05/2013 22:34

It's a two tone problem.

In this instance he sounds unreasonable & you sound like you overreacted (though I can completely understand where you're coming from).

Is that the usual dynamic for you two? (I.e you get frustrated with the same sort of issues/he won't compromise & you get wound up to this point).

If it is then it may be worth going to see someone as a couple to address it, if you've not already tried to discuss it as a couple and sort it out that way.

CrabbyBigBottom · 31/05/2013 22:35

If you were a woman posting that you'd tried to talk to your DP but he screamed at you for disturbing his tv viewing and started kicking, throwing and smashing things, everyone would pile on here and call the temper-losing person an abuser.

Just sayin'. Wink

TheOrchardKeeper · 31/05/2013 22:35

I personally wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want my DS to overhear, asleep or not. That gives you a good idea of whether or not your behavior is acceptable.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:40

I know, I know, the other way round people would say ltb.... Lemon, I think that is the issue here. He is very often selfish and inconsiderate IMO. I said to him, I just want a bit of pleasure in my life, just watch 1 programme I like. He wouldn't even compromise on that. Seriously. He brings out the worst in me...

OP posts:
flowerpippin · 31/05/2013 22:43

Possibly once a year tops but I don't break bottles of beer/kick the cat in the process.

I'm in a very harmonious relationship though and realise I am very lucky.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:48

You are very lucky flower pippin. What makes it harmonious? (Wants to learn)!

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 31/05/2013 22:49

I used to lose it a bit like this in the bad old days. Problem is you're letting it get to the furious bottle smashing stage. Perhaps need to assert your needs more strongly before it gets to this point?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:54

Majestic, the more I assert my needs... The more bullish he gets. We are a bad combination really....

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Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:55

Majestic, you say the bad old days.... How / why did it change?

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Hassled · 31/05/2013 22:59

Never. I never do that sort of thing, because I don't have to. DH and I annoy the hell out of each other sometimes, but we're never selfish wankers. We compromise, we discuss, we are motivated by wanting the other person to be happy.

It wasn't like this in my first marriage. If your relationship makes you so frustrated that you resort to smashing things then you really need a good long think about your relationship.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 23:02

Yep hassled, the relationship is shite tbh.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/05/2013 23:06

I used to get angry, but didn't throw things, when my marriage was bad and he was pretending it was fine.

MajesticWhine · 31/05/2013 23:09

Not sure exactly what changed or if it was one thing. Something to think about.

butterflymeadow · 31/05/2013 23:09

The only time I ever threw something (a book at the end of the sofa) was when exh wanted to discuss which car we should rent on holiday at about 11pm on a Saturday night. My view was I did not mind, please do what you think best, his view was that I needed to look at every option exhaustively. I was already exhausted (fulltime job, dcs, housework) while he worked away during the week. I wanted half an hour peace and quiet, just that.

While I did not throw anything ever again, looking back there were countless times a very important conversation would be started at the point I thought maybe, just maybe I could have just half an hour peace and quiet. And yes, there were sometimes then rows, and I ended up too upset to sleep, not understanding what was going on, and he always slept just fine.

You describe a dynamic where he tries to dominate, you get frustrated and lose your temper because he is not listening to you. No, it is not normal. For me, it was the fact that I was losing my temper which made me start to assess my relationship. I was not shouty before, and now we have split, I am not shouty at all. I also used to focus on breathing to stay calm, even when I felt panicked as I realised losing my temper was a stress response. Once I stopped reacting, it was easier to see the dynamic I had been caught up in.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 23:16

Butterfly, yes that sounds like a familiar dynamic. Really he is a glorified bachelor who just wants everything his own way. An off to bed Hmm

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scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 23:24

no not normal.unreasonable and disproportionate response.no excuses you behaved appallingly

BarredfromhavingStella · 31/05/2013 23:36

Oooohh, I'm pretty aggressive & your post worries me-does that answer your question??

seriously though you sound like a slightly more aggressive younger me...??? Hmm so feel free to pm me as i'd hate for you to continue in this way-it's not good or constructive.

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 23:40

no.this isn't about your dh,is all about you.stop shifting responsibility for your behaviour
frankly if a an posted he was aggressive,angry and blamed misses he'd be rightly pilloried
don't let the female apologists tell you it his fault you've been provoked,not true

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 23:47

Barred from thanks for this..... Think is I'm totally peaceful and controlled in all other scenarios. I'm a peaceful parent to ds. Dp is the only one I lose it with. Lately he has had trouble with his boss at work and at a voluntary group he works for ( cant say what in case it outs me). He does seem to rub ppl up the wrong way.... He's quite bullish and bossy

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scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 23:50

your doing it again.minimising your actions,blaming someone else
you need to take responsibility stop the but he did this,he did that
you are responsible,you need to moderate your behaviour

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 23:53

I'm telling you if a guy posted this wife blaming excuse he'd be rightly told off
so Long as you externalise and blame your dh you'll never make progress
all about you,so stop blaming him