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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How often do you lose your temper

110 replies

bordellosboheme · 31/05/2013 22:26

And throw things? After a hard day when I just wanted to relax (dp been out all day doing his hobbies) dp would not let me watch any of my programmes. After him being generally annoying I lost the plot, kicked a laundry basket and smashed a bottle of beer in the kitchen. Hmm It's not the first time I have chucked and broken stuff (usually some china, like a mug). Ds was fast asleep, but could it disturb him? Dp just makes me so annoyed sometimes I haut have an outpouring and lose it. Is this normal or not? What can I do? I feel like I'd be a total martyr if I just let him dominate. Help please. Feel guilty Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/06/2013 10:28

Attila, no I meant my tiredness...
And, no is not good modelling of an ideal relationship

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/06/2013 10:36

I think Cogito poses a good question, "what would you like to say to him that you can't or won't?".

TheNorthWitch · 01/06/2013 11:53

You are a grown woman and should be able to watch whatever you want on television, whenever you want (within reason) it's not your DP's place to manage your television viewing as if you were a child. No wonder you're lashing out in sheer frustration but that's not a good long term strategy - your DS is probably aware of the tension between you and
DP as well.

Is he deliberately trying to annoy you? Try and practice detaching and not letting him get to you while you do some research on abusive bullies and how to handle them (and leave them).

scottishmummy · 01/06/2013 12:11

you're still not taking responsibilyt still blaming dp.all him him,little about you
you get angry,you need to take responsibility for that.your response is inappropriate
until you stop blaming him you'll not take responsibility or feel it's your problem

appletarts · 01/06/2013 12:17

This reply has been deleted

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appletarts · 01/06/2013 12:18

SMS should read social services

appletarts · 01/06/2013 12:19

Oh and read stately homes thread if you're wondering about impact on your child.

DoingItForMyself · 01/06/2013 12:21

Your anger and aggression is your problem but your shit relationship is a problem you both share. You both need to agree to work on it so that you can feel more equal or you need to split up for the sake of your DS and yourself.

I do feel for you, my stbxh brought out the worst in me - my new BF says I'd make a great wife and I always say "apparently not!" but in fairness he was a crappy BF to his ex too. When you're with the wrong person you won't be at your best because you're constantly battling with each other and yourself.

Do yourself (& DS/H) a favour and seriously consider if this relationship is worth saving. If he's as selfish as he sounds so far, my instinct is to say 'no'. Sleeping in while you get up early every day, keeping control of the TV and telling you that you can't watch what you like - he has no respect for you, so its no wonder you have no respect for yourself.

Value yourself more highly and understand that you don't need to act like a toddler having a tantrum, you should be able to state that you'd like to watch xyz and an equal partner will happily share the TV with you. That doesn't sound like him.

scottishmummy · 01/06/2013 12:25

if a man posted he lost it,no one woud ask him oh dear does your misses wind you up
appalling that some on here seem content it factor gender in,as oh man made you do it
no.you are responsible.you need to address your feelings, behaviour and triggers

Lizzabadger · 01/06/2013 12:26

It's not at all normal to lose it like that and it sounds like you need to end the relationship.

ExcuseTypos · 01/06/2013 12:29

Your behaviour isn't normal. It very much pisses me off to hear women defending their abusive behaviour.

My mother behaved like this and I lived in fear of her. Even when she was smiling and joking, at the back of my mind I was thinking about her screaming at people and throwing things.

Your DS does not deserve to grow up fearing his mother. Get some help to sort this out.

sunshine401 · 01/06/2013 12:35

Maybe we should turn it round.

Say Op was at home watching TV, Her DP comes home and strops because he cannot have the TV Confused . Then begins smashing things up all whilst there is a child in the house.

What would the comments be then?
An abusive man no doubt.... Questions about his capability regarding his care of the LO due to his clear anger issues???

Op you need to see your doctor, you seem to have anger issues. Your action of aggression were totally unappropriated regardless. Your child should not have to put up with a living environment like that at all.

YoniBottsBumgina · 01/06/2013 12:47

They both sound like issues to me. It's not an either/or situation. Throwing things is not acceptable. His selfishness/control also sounds OTT - it's not something minor like not being able to have the TV, it's not being able to have the TV, or the CD player, or the last say on when the light goes off, or the choice of restaurant, ever.

I also think the relationship needs to end and if the physical expression of anger continues then definitely seek some help with this too.

scottishmummy · 01/06/2013 12:57

behave yoni.if it were male losing it mn opinion isn't usually,you're both to blame
No need to explain,or diminish female inappropriate behaviour as response to male provocation
op behaviour is unacceptable.her gender is immaterial.the behaviour and what willingness to addresses paramount

A1980 · 01/06/2013 13:20

The sound track to my childhood was my mother screaming and throwing things of mine. When our bedrooms and cupboards were untidy she would empty the contents onto the floor and we'd have to spend our weekend cleaning it up.

Kicking and throwing things over a TV ....your behavior is worse than a childs.

Purplehonesty · 01/06/2013 13:26

Bordello my mum did it too and I have picked up her tendency to kick/throw things but I only do it when I am on my own.
It's usually when things annoy me, like the Hoover wire tripping me up or not being able to shift a heavy object.
I used to lose my temper all the time through frustration but now it's maybe once every few months.
So i know exactly how you feel.
My dh winds me up too and I am very often tempted to throw something at his head. But I resist. Its really hard not to though!!

butterflymeadow · 01/06/2013 13:43

Oh good grief, exh did this, he left the marital bed when dc came along and slept as long as he needed whilst I was up in the night and early morning with dc. I did not ever get a lie in. There are many reasons he is an ex, my grinding tiredness and his lack of support on that front, indeed starting conversations when I needed to sleep are one.

You know smashing things is wrong and it is not good for anyone. You also know there are many things wrong in your relationship. The one does not excuse the other, but, at the end of the day, if he is bringing out the worst in you, surely that tells you all you need to know. You have one life to be the best person you can be, for you and dc, and you are not that person in this relationship.

butterflymeadow · 01/06/2013 13:45

Sorry, i was talking about the sleeping separately/sleeping in bit, thread has moved on but I did not see this page

YoniBottsBumgina · 01/06/2013 14:26

The male isn't usually the one posting scottishmummy.

YoniBottsBumgina · 01/06/2013 14:27

Plus there is a difference between reacting in anger to a perfectly reasonable request and reacting in anger to a prolonged campaign of control.

scottishmummy · 01/06/2013 14:33

you're being an apologist,minimising her inappropriate behaviour.because of gender
shame on you

Lweji · 01/06/2013 14:47

I think you do need to direct your anger towards a positive thing, and that is to get rid of this man.

I totally relate to breaking things. I had a short phase of that.
And the screaming.
Although I am normally quite peaceful and assertive, it was almost always impossible to be reasonable or negotiate with exH.
Yours sounds similar.

There is no point in lashing out in anger, and as others said, it's not healthy for your child or for you.

You are clearly not working as partners and I suspect at this point you better just let go.

butterflymeadow · 01/06/2013 14:50

Plus there is a difference between reacting in anger to a perfectly reasonable request and reacting in anger to a prolonged campaign of control

TheNorthWitch · 01/06/2013 16:22

Yonibotts - agree there is a difference from reacting in anger to abuse and having anger management issues. The clue is in how you are generally - peaceful people don't normally end up screaming in frustration in a healthy relationship. Women in abusive relationships often start behaving in unhealthy ways because they are in an abusive situation - when they leave they start reverting to their old self.

If a man posted on here that his DW wouldn't let him watch TV after he'd been working all day while she had been pursuing her leisure interests and that she often controlled his viewing people would be Shock

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 01/06/2013 17:05

Hmm, thanks have read everyone's thoughts. Lots to think about. Am away on a work exchange abroad for 2 months in the summer. Dp is meant to be accompanying me for the second month..... 1st month I will be without him.... It will be interesting to see my personality change with him not around if it does. Might be opportunity for a clean break. Do need him month 2 for childcare though......

OP posts: