How often do you lose your temper

[bordellosboheme]

And throw things? After a hard day when I just wanted to relax (dp been out all day doing his hobbies) dp would not let me watch any of my programmes. After him being generally annoying I lost the plot, kicked a laundry basket and smashed a bottle of beer in the kitchen. It's not the first time I have chucked and broken stuff (usually some china, like a mug). Ds was fast asleep, but could it disturb him? Dp just makes me so annoyed sometimes I haut have an outpouring and lose it. Is this normal or not? What can I do? I feel like I'd be a total martyr if I just let him dominate. Help please. Feel guilty

you're a bastard and he should leave you.

1. you say yourself the relationship is shit. end it and give both of you the chance to find better relationships

1. maybe he is annoying and selfish. that's his responsibility. Your temper is your temper. You need to accept that it is your problem and do something about it.

Once or twice this year due to stress of returning to Uni to study after a long gap. Not really before I dont think.. I threw a water bottle against a door repeatedly last week as I was so frustrated with my OH about something (he wasnt on my level of the house at the time) and I couldnt communicate how I felt/explain my point of view so I was maybe more frustrated with myself aswell as him. No real harm done though, and we sorted the original issue out that night. Think it was the situation I couldnt cope with (in middle of exams also). It was pretty out of character for me. I find myself feeling/doing certain things that I wouldn't normally, because of the massive change and stress of our life at the moment. Like being a bit down coz I only have 2 days off each month (work rest of the time), and have deadlines every other week etc. We kindof want our old lives back, and will do once I graduate.

Doesnt really help with your problem, I just wanted to say that throwing something doesnt necessarily mean you are crazy! (in my case!)

P.S I only read OP not comments as I'm going to bed so dont really know whats going on here :(

What would happen if you said to him thar he had watched a show he wanted and you switched to one you wanted, or decide to watch what you wanted in alternate days. Which would only be fair?

The answer to that might tell you what to do about your relationship.

Never, and I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who behaved like this.

Angry enough to smash and break things? Once in a blue moon.

I rarely lose my temper but, when I do, it comes out as a torrent of words, not bottle-smashing. I think if you've got to the stage where you're being aggressive and destructive, you're not expressing yourself adequately and you've just descended into tantrum-mode. Find ways to communicate and resolve conflict with your DP or step out of the relationship. Destroying things is wrong.

I am utterly astounded that you need to ask the question, and that you are trying to lay the blame on him for your violent outbursts.

If he makes you feel so bad why are you together ?

Wow I do wonder if some people don't understand that this is a space where we can ask for feedback and advice. It's not a court room.

Op it's not ok, your post suggests you're unhappy and frustrated, and thats what needs sorting- the root of the problem.

Ignore the posters using this to push their own agendas, sad people.

"He's quite bullish and bossy"

If you're saying you live with a bully, deal with the bullying. When you smash or kick something it's displaced aggression i.e. you'd actually like to hit or kick him. If you feel you're being regularly dominated, controlled, victimised, insulted, ignored or subjected to other forms of psychological/emotional bullying, there are constructive, non-violent ways to deal with the problem.

Do you think the relationship should end?

My mother had a temper like this. I'd say your son is aware of it on some level. He'll be frightened by the noise and violence. He'll alter his behaviour to try to limit your violence. He'll be learning from you that this is how to handle disappointment and stress.

Neither my partner or I would behave like this.

I'm with SM and Selba on this one.

I don't think it is normal/acceptable behaviour TBH and I'd be concerned that this reaction is, essentially and fundamentally, over you not getting what you want. It's too easy to displace blame, but if you do feel guilty over your reaction, then it suggests you already know that your behaviour is wrong.

How have previous relationships been? Have you considered couples counselling? Also might be worth a look at CBT/other counselling for yourself.

I think Cogito is right, if the temper is a result of problems in the relationship, deal with the problems in the relationship. That is what I was trying to say, the fact that I lost my temper, something I had not done before, alerted me to the fact something was wrong. Find strategies to stay calm, so you can look dispassionately at the problems.

Vivacia also makes a valid point, your son will know. My mum was a volcano, in retrospect I can see she was frustrated beyond belief with my alcoholic father, but it created a toxic atmosphere, it also meant that when I found myself in a controlling relationship, I did not recognise it and I first had to learn strategies to be calm and objective, and communicate properly, so that I knew it was not me.

He's a "glorified batchelor" and you're throwing things out of anger/despair. You write too that this relationship is shite.

Why are you together at all?. Surely for your son's sake you and this person would be far happier apart. You two should not be together.

Is this really the example of a relationship you want to show your child?.

However, it does take two to deal with problems in a relationship and to me this man does not seem at all bothered about wanting to change. He has his own life and hobbies; he's getting what he wants from this.

My dad had anger issues and used to throw things. Itbmade me hate him. I have never done it in any other relationship. It's not just the one time dp controlled the tv. Every moment he is in he religiously controls it. He won't let the remote out of his grip, literally.... There are many other things he is controlling about.

Used to happen regularly with my ex - I now see it was frustration at the way he treated me and I would flip. He was abusive and I became a volcano.

He's the only person in the whole world I have EVER lost it with. In my other relationships, I am very easy going and passive.

Does he show anger himself? My XH was very passive aggressive and would wind me up so that I did the shouting and slamming while he looked so reasonable. It was only when I went to psychotherapy I understood my role was to be "the angry one" in the relationship while he was "the good one" It was exhausting and I thought I was going mad!

"There are many other things he is controlling about."

I think this is the problem. If you are feeling constricted by bullying/controlling behaviour - especially if it tends to be very passive in nature - then that can lead to frustration. If you're conscious that this aggressive/destructive stuff is out of character for you (although probably your Dad's behaviour is an influence) then I think you need to tackle the source of the frustration head-on i.e. deal with him directly.

What is it you want to say to him that you either can't or won't say?

When I was married to XH I smashed a mug so he told me I had a MH issue.
I almost threw a full pot of tea at him the day after he told me he had shagged someone when he was working away.

He was an emotionally abusive, selfish arsehole who expected the world to revolve around him.

He did not consider that he was ever at fault.

Anyway, I don't lose my temper now.

I think you are losing your temper because as you say, your relationship is shite.

Tiredness is also a factor. He sleeps in a makeshift loft room, and regularly sleeps til 9 or 10 while I'm up early with ds every day. He's still up there now. I've had 2 lie ins max in 19 months....

I note too that your Dad was the same type; that is not altogether surprising either. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

His tiredness you mention is an excuse and a poor one at that, he's not acting like this because he is tired. Why do you make such excuses for him?.

So why are you together at all now?. This is not and has never been working at all well.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you would want your child to potentially replicate?.