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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating thread 55, everyone welcome!

999 replies

lubeytoobooby · 31/05/2013 13:19

Woop! Lubes is BACK :o

newbies, daters, those taking a break, online dating real life dating or otherwise, and the loved up.... all welcome!

Off we go -chit chat away.

(I might even dip a toe back in myself)

OP posts:
Bant · 15/06/2013 11:31

broken - I'd say something like 'well get back to me when you know when you're free' then leave it. Basically, put up or shut up. It doesn't look good if he can't move things around for you though - either he'll be sporadic and you'll rarely see him, or he's married and just wants the chat.

And go back and see who else takes your interest in the meantime. As the rules say, it's all BS until it actually happens

velvetspoon · 15/06/2013 11:32

I am feeling pretty fragile at the moment. I don't want a huge row on my account.

I do feel people have been sympathetic to me, as I have been in the past to others. But equally, rightly or wrongly, I do feel a little as though the general view is 'C wasn't anything important, he's behaved like a dick, just forget him and move on'. Irrespective of what any of you think of what went on with me and C, I did like him, care about him, very much. He was important to me. I had feelings for him and I thought they were reciprocated. My fear at the outset was that he would disappear on me, like so many men had in the past. And I got over that. I trusted him. And in the end he did exactly the same thing.

I'm not ready to be told to buck my ideas up and get on with it, and basically pretend it meant nothing. I'm really not. I appreciate such advice is given with good intentions, but right now I just need to be sad for a while and try and come to terms with it, especially the fact of not getting an answer, and him doing exactly what all the others did, and disappearing. I know it will get better, and hurt less, but right now I just feel sad. It's another hope destroyed, and what looms ahead is horrible. Based on the last 4 years it will be another 4 years of awful confidence sapping dates, constant rejection, and the aching loneliness of still being single. Or just the latter, if I give up any pretence of dating.

OhWesternWind · 15/06/2013 11:35

Kirsty ooh he sounds promising!

Broken have you agreed to go on a date and are having problems finding a time (annoying but okay) or is he saying this stuff as an excuse not to arrange something (not okay)? Perhaps you could just ask him when he's free to meet and see what happens from there?

SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 11:35

Dear Bant,

I think your posts are so useful. (I sometimes copy and paste them into a Word document to mull over at relevant points in my OD experiences Blush)

Best wishes,

The Bitter Crone Smile x

Blows kiss to Thread 55....

SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 11:38

Velvet honey Sad

brokenhearted55 · 15/06/2013 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 11:42

:( velvet, im sorry. that was why i posted....... so people, please dont read stuff into my actions that isnt there.

Its not bad to feel sad, nor feel like you dont immediatley want to move on. Blaming him or even knowing he was wrong doesnt take away the shitness of the whole situation nor the pain its caused.

be kind to yourself, know that there are people that care and will listen, and take it a day at a time till you feel stronger

x

brokenhearted55 · 15/06/2013 11:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 11:49

broken, I think what Bant said still stands. You've not met him yet have you? So be careful to invest too much too soon. He is a still a stranger really.

brokenhearted55 · 15/06/2013 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 11:53

Yes, just ask him when he is free, arrange something, and keep looking, talking and arranging dates with other interesting men.

Bant · 15/06/2013 11:54

Right. As I've reviewed enough profiles in the past few months, I thought I'd post a few pointers I picked up from the 8 or so I've looked at. All of them have gone in PMs to people, but I thought all you lovely lurkers may be interested too :)

  1. try and avoid photos taken on a mobile in the loo.
  2. don't include photos of your kids, no matter how beautiful they are
  3. while its fine to mention your children, don't do it in the first or second paragraph. They're not an afterthought but shouldn't appear to be the most important thing about you. You are the most important thing
  4. don't list too many dislikes, it comes across as negative. Likes are fine, it gives people a talking point to contact you with, but don't make them too obscure (e.g. the early works of Dostoevsky) as they may make you seem like you wouldn't bother responding to anyone without a phd in literature
  5. don't give too much specific info about where you work
  6. don't include photos of you with a mans arm draped around your shoulders, it's off putting
  7. no more than one picture of your horse
  8. photos of you in front of the pyramids or something aren't very useful if we can't see your face
  9. cut out cliches - work hard/play hard, wine/DVD, references to extreme sports- unless you do them all the time and they're hugely important to you. Reading the same thing in everyone's profile just makes the eyes glaze over
  10. starting with a joke or funny comment is always good.
  11. saying 'been hurt before' or 'looking for a man who won't cheat' will attract people who will cheat and hurt you, and gives the impression of trust issues
  12. avoid text speak and too many exclamation marks
  13. don't list too many required attributes in a man. Specifying he must have blue eyes, brown hair, work in finance, be 5'10 to 6'2 and must love hang gliding gives a strong impression you're pining for someone specific
  14. I can't think of another one, but 13 is unlucky
SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 11:57

So that's where I am going wrong huh Bant?Smile

Ah nuts.

Bant · 15/06/2013 12:06

velvet I'm sorry, really I am, if I'm giving the impression that I just think you should buck up your ideas.

All I've been trying to say is that when you're ready again, in the future once youve given yourself time, that you are attractive, and intelligent, and interesting, and there is nothing wrong with you. You seem to have got the shitty end of the stick when it comes to the numbers game that is OD.

I know you're fragile, hopefully you do feel supported by us lot on this thread. Some of us are going to offer advice, maybe some helpful, some not, but we're all genuinely wanting to help. Any relationship coming to an end is horrible, especially with no closure or explanation.

Maybe we're being too early to say 'chin up, tits out etc' but its just in the hopes we'll give you some strength when you're feeling low, not in the sense of 'what the hell are you upset about?' - none of us would think that

Again, hugs and I hope you're okay

Flipper924 · 15/06/2013 12:07

Humph, Bant. You looked at my profile and I didn't get a pm.

watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 12:12

( wonders if people will realise i wasnt trying to start ww3 and was just trying to be a good friend and point out the chin up tits out advice isnt always the best)

JulietteMontague · 15/06/2013 12:17

All is not well in Dutchlandia. He has lied to me about something that has significance. I found something, asked him about it and he lied. Right up until I showed him the evidence then apparently told the truth. I am not sure how I feel, he knows what I think, rioit act has been read but imo humble pie is still to be served. Going to be out soon, so may not reply for a while.

Watch I'm not going to engage either, it's pointless.

brokenhearted55 · 15/06/2013 12:18

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SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 12:27

broken it is rubbish sometimes. But it can be fun lots of fun, and when it isn't fun rule 5.

People are so complicated aren't they? All you (collective noun) want is one man/womnn who you like, who likes you, and wants to have an exclusive relationship, without any BS messing around.

Shouldn't be too difficult to find, you're a kind, normal person, should be a walk in the park...shouldn't it?

BloomingRose · 15/06/2013 12:29

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SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 12:32

Jules, I don't know what to say to what you've just said up thread, I am [shocked], hope all will be okay.

Maybe Dutchman wanted you to have a favourable impression of him for a bit longer before letting you know the real him. We all do it, to a greater or lesser extent I think.

TheTitleSaysItAllReally · 15/06/2013 12:34

Velvet I'm sorry you're so low Sad

I have a second date tonight Smile

Bant · 15/06/2013 12:35

I don't see why walks in the park are meant to be so easy. On my second date with French girl, years ago, we went for a walk in the park, and a Doberman took a fancy to my leg. Ever tried to be insouciant and cool and attractive with 40lb of slavering carnivore trying to shag your thigh? It's not easy

Juliette - hope you're okay
Flipper - sorry I thought I did. PM me and I'll look again

brokenhearted55 · 15/06/2013 12:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmallChanges · 15/06/2013 13:03

Bant Grin

broken ((hugs)). It can be/feel absolutely a perfect exercise in pointlessness, but (and unlike my arse) it's a big but, every now and again, someone fabulous will click with us/understand our motivations. Hope will rise and off we go...!

Or do like me and develop the hide of a Rhino...either is good