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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Dating thread 55, everyone welcome!

999 replies

lubeytoobooby · 31/05/2013 13:19

Woop! Lubes is BACK :o

newbies, daters, those taking a break, online dating real life dating or otherwise, and the loved up.... all welcome!

Off we go -chit chat away.

(I might even dip a toe back in myself)

OP posts:
velvetspoon · 15/06/2013 00:00

It's kind of you all to say I deserve so much more etc.

Thing is, life isn't fair. I didn't deserve both my parents to die by the time I was 25 and leave me utterly alone. I didn't deserve an abusive relationship with the Evil Ex, or for things to fail with the lovely Ex. People (me in particular) rarely get what they deserve. Life isn't like that.

I've given up on C now, I know he won't reply. I wish he would, just to give me a reason. I hoped after nearly 8 months I had earned that, but apparently not. I'm not worth any form of reply, let alone an explanation.

And of course there won't be anyone else. Men find the idea of a relationship with me laughable, repellent even. I'm wasting my time even looking. It's quite clear how little even the ones like C who say they like me actually think of me.

Flipper924 · 15/06/2013 07:54

((hugs)) Velvet. You know that none of that is true, about men finding the idea of a relationship with you repellent. I'm sorry you're in such a low place, right now. I know it's hard to keep picking yourself up after so many knocks, but we have to keep doing it, and keep remembering that we are gorgeous, inside and out. It's so easy to judge ourselves by other people's reactions, but really what we think of ourselves is what matters most.

I've just read through and caught up on what's been happening since Thursday - you've all been busy!

Bant, are you ok with friendship and occasional benefits with Frenchie? That would do my head in if it was someone I was in love with.

Juliette, loving the updates from the farming communities of Dutchlandia. Pleased things are still going so well.

Hello to everyone else! Sounds like most people are having fun.

I've been chatting to a few guys on pof, but no one I'm particularly interested in. One suggested a date in the local shopping centre. The forecast was for lovely weather, and he suggested we meet in a shopping centre. I know I could have made an alternative suggestion, but just the idea of that put me right off. I need to be less picky, don't I?

I'm getting mixed messages from Mr 3DD. He won't ask me out because I live on the corner of the street, and it would be too messy if it went wrong. Now I took this as a polite rejection (ie I don't fancy you but please don't be offended), but I get definite 'I fancy you' vibes off him when I see him. Perhaps I'm reading the vibes wrong, some people are just more flirty than others.

Wedding Snogger has yet again invited me to finish what we started.

I'm avoiding working on a presentation I have to do for a job interview next week.

Flipper924 · 15/06/2013 08:08

Just to add about Mr 3DD, whatever the reason for the mixed messages, or my misreading of the situation, if he's not interested, he's not interested. That's fine. I'm just curious about my reading of the signs, and whether I'm getting it right.

KinNora · 15/06/2013 08:43

Hello Flipper I've been meaning to ask whether you'd had your interview but you've just answered that.

I think it's unlikely you're misinterpreting 3DD's signals, I would imagine that he does fancy you but was attempting to do what he saw as the 'sensible' thing when he said it would be too complicated to have a relationship. Depends what you want though, dunnit ?

Velvet you are wrong. You are interpreting everything through the filter of your current pain ( I know you are going to argue and cite the evidence of the past ) bring your formidable intelligence to bear on the situation, what would you say to one of us who'd expressed those same sentiments ? I doubt you'd say ' yes, you are repellent and you will never have a relationship' because that is an illogical statement, given the facts before you of a funny, compassionate, intelligent and attractive woman.

There are no guarantees for anyone on here, for example, I may never have sex again ( Christ on a bike ) but all you do is hurt yourself if you repeatedly reinforce negative thoughts.
Chin up, tits out, fuck me shoes on.

OhWesternWind · 15/06/2013 08:57

Good morning Thread!

Woke up from a horrible dream about Titto (abusive ex) who'd tracked me down and come to take the dc and my things in a huge lorry. But half way through I realised he was only two foot tall so I kind of folded him up and pummelled him til he ran away ... Ha!! First dream about him in about two years.

Two texts already today from Alpha Scot ...

Velvet sweetheart, you've had more than your share of shitty stuff happening, you really have. But keep telling yourself you're not going to find anyone is liable to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think this kind of thinking gives off a "vibe" (sorry) that other people/men pick up on. You know how fab you are, so there is no reason on earth why you will not find a wonderful man.

OhWesternWind · 15/06/2013 09:09

Flipper what did you say to the wedding snigger?

I think 3DD is just being sensible but he does fancy you. What a shame though. Are you still on wine drinking terms?

Nora I think Showbiz et al will prevent that particular nightmare from coming true ...

OhWesternWind · 15/06/2013 09:10

Snogger not snigger!

Flipper924 · 15/06/2013 09:46

He is a bit of a giggler, OWW, so perhaps snigger suits him! I pointed out that even if I was up for fun only, the distance would make it impractical. I think he's enjoying the attention. Which is nice, because I am too.

I love your dream about Titto. I hope that's a reflection of your feelings about him and how much power he really has.

Hmm, what do I want with Mr 3DD? I don't want to be one of a long line of conquests, which is what he seems to be doing at the moment. I'm happy to let him get on with that. I think we're still on wine drinking terms, by text I told him he'd better have a very good reason for leaving me drinking on my own last Sunday, he said he was sorry and he'd do his best not to let me down in the future.

It's the fear of never having sex again that keeps me on pof. My recently single friend (husband left in Feb, she's still reeling) was asking about how I made the decision to sleep with Walking man. She seemed a bit shocked when I admitted that one of the deciding factors was that if I hadn't, 2012 would have gone down as the first year in 25 that I hadn't had sex! I am desperately hoping that he isn't the only man I have sex with this year as well!

watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 09:48

Ive been thinking about responding and its with careful thought i have decided to post. I am fully aware it will not go down well, for i am the devil incarnate on this thread, if in no where else in my life.

I am in no way speaking for velvet, but just, as a friend who understands and as someone who is empathetic enough to understand.

Poor velvet has been treated appallingly by c, yes, the blame is all at his door. This isnt a one or two dates situation, this has been going on between them for almost 7 months. As anyone would be if a 7 month relationship ended, velvet is upset, full of self doubt and feeling terrible. I will not refer to anyone elses relationship on here, but think back to how any number of you have felt in a similar situation.... and then think back to the support this board offered you. Lots of hand holding, and understanding and listening and patience. I do wonder why velvet isnt afforded that same support and instead is told to basically buck up and shes is sending out bad vibes so its her own fault.

Im incredulous that that has been said quite frankly... so much for the sisterhood and talk about kicking someone when the are down.

We have all had wobbles and moments of self doubt. We all know logically that its not us etc, etc, but when something upsetting happens, such as the end of a relationship, most people ( especially women) do tend to look to themselves, worry if its them. Again, i could post personal examples of each of you questioning yourselves at various points, but im not going to in case its deemed to personal.

Being single for a length of time, and im not talking a year or two, but much longer, is hard. To have a glimmer or hope and for that hope to be estinquished so quickly without so much of a courtesy text is a pretty painful experience. I would like to think that this board which has offered so much support to others, would do the same for ALL of its posters. Treat people how you would like to be treated and all that.

KinNora · 15/06/2013 10:04

Velvet is supported Watch, supported absolutely but supported in the sense that a true friend will help you to see the actual situation and whilst holding your hand, will encourage you to work towards a happier future.

I believe you misinterpret what other people say.

OhWesternWind · 15/06/2013 10:10

Velvet I am going to PM you, probably the best way now.

Watch I am sick of your thinly disguised personal attacks. As far as I know I've not done anything to you to merit this, so just give it a rest please. No problem at all with you offering support to Velvet or anyone else, but to use that as a platform to launch another attack is low.

watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 10:11

im not here to argue and im not going to. I have seen many people make terrible decisions and have very upsetting times and they have been told they will be supported no matter what, its all been ' we will hold you hand' and ' how are you feeling today' and other such kindness.

velvet is clever enough to know what the actual situation else, she isnt a naieve 12 year old girl. Sometimes a bit of understanding is all thats needed, not pointing out the things that are obvious.

watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 10:14

western, ive made no personal attacks nor remarks. Ive deliberately not done that, so anything that you see there you are reading stuff that isnt there.

KinNora · 15/06/2013 10:17

I'm not engaging further with you, Watch, you bring your own agenda and in my opinion, that completely devalues any opinion you may express.

mercury7 · 15/06/2013 10:27

She seemed a bit shocked when I admitted that one of the deciding factors was that if I hadn't, 2012 would have gone down as the first year in 25 that I hadn't had sex!
Flipper, whats the matter with her...doesnt she realise it all boils down to supply & demand :o

Bant · 15/06/2013 10:28

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watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 10:31

I dont know what agenda you might think i would have. I knew what i was going to say wasnt going to go down well. I didnt expect any thing less and i also expect some of you to jump to the defensive. I dont know what you think my aim is here... IF you think logically, ive stuck my head into the firing line to say something i knew was not going to go down well.

Not something ive done lightly, nor with ANY agenda.

Someone is hurting, it does not cost anything to show some kindness as others on this thread have been shown time and time again.

That was all i had to say, if you want to read into it personal attacks and agendas and all kinds of things, that is your interpretation.

TortillasAndChocolate · 15/06/2013 10:38

I'm a lurker on this thread - have every intention of being a poster 'one day' so may aswell start now.

I abandoned lurking on this thread a while ago as it all seemed to get a bit unpleasant for a very short while. I returned for thread 55! And have really enjoyed reading it and as I say, just hasn't got around to joining in yet.

Everyone's so supportive and have written well thought out supportive messages to Velvet. If anyone felt the messages weren't quite what she needed to hear, why not just write a supportive response without attacking what other people have said? Not one person was critical of Velvet - they were trying to give advice and be helpful and positive.

Anyway I woke up feeling sad and lonely today, came onto this thread and was cheered up as ever - so thanks everyone, please don't change Smile

RockWithaJaggedyBit · 15/06/2013 10:39

Watch, and your interpretation is that Velvet hasn't been shown kindness and support, which, as an outsider looking in, simply isn't true. Your misguided prejudices about some of the people on this thread are clearly influencing your view.

Pomegranatenoir · 15/06/2013 10:40

I usually keep my nose out when this whole thing blows up (as it has done several times now). Not sure if I continuously miss something on this thread. I can't see a single person being horrible to velvet. We are all being supportive and offering advice. Lovely velvet is not treated any better or any worse than anyone else. I feel genuinely upset that c hasn't replied. Like I said it is his issue not velvets. We can't control anyone else actions, just our own and how we react.

I love this thread and the people in it. There isnt any need to cause trouble or make people feel guilty. Life is difficult enough sometimes without arguments being caused on a supportive Internet thread!!!

MirandaWest · 15/06/2013 11:00

Watch if your motive were solely to support velvet then I think you would probably have sent her a PM rather than post in an antagonistic way on this thread.

Kirstywirsty · 15/06/2013 11:07

Morning all

velvet I am sorry about C .. But he really wasn't good enough for you or giving you what you want {{{hugs}}}

I have a date on Wednesday with a handsome 6'4" New Yorker who now works in Edinburgh .. He is very polite and asked if he could please take me out for dinner .. We have another date planned on the 29th but he didn't want to wait that long .. A bit of a change from Rocky who used 'fuckin' on every sentence ..

watchforthesnail · 15/06/2013 11:08

i talk to her all the time off mn, that was not my motive at all.

It wasnt antagonistic in any way, just saying treat others as you would like to be treated. Lots of people have had ongoing unconditional support, for lots of reasons, without the ' truth' being pointed out to them.

Lots of people have had softer responses and understanding, that was all i was saying.

Pomegranatenoir · 15/06/2013 11:21

kirst what's your secret? Where do you find these men...? I need a charming New Yorker in my life!!

brokenhearted55 · 15/06/2013 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.