Is it really better to break up?

[JustNeedAMap]

I don't know.

I'm not happy with DP. He's kind, well-meaning enough. We have an 11 month old DD, she is beautiful.

DP is financially abusive. He is stingy to the point of being embarrassing: if I make a cup of tea he stands over me telling me to use the teabag in his cup as well. He makes sarcastic comments if I shop at Asda or Tesco instead of Lidl or Aldi. He eats out of date food, has made DD ill once from eating it (not seriously.) He makes us walk miles in rainy weather rather than spend £1 on a carpark. I find it so horrible.

But, I have to be honest here, I'm unhappy alone as well, very unhappy. It's no good telling me to get out and join clubs because I have realised most people have a triangle of friends, family, partner. I have no family so without DP I am reliant on friends, I do have them, but they have their own families and partners. DP and I split last year and the days just dragged by, I had no one to speak to outside of work and the holidays seemed to last forever. At least when DP is around there is someone to talk to and (sometimes) have a laugh with and I really do care about him even if I am no madly in love with him.

Is it worth putting up with the sometimes-unhappiness of his controlling behaviour? Sometimes I think it is. No doubt more stable for DD, she will grow up in a house with mum, dad and brothers and sisters as well. Happier for me? I am sometimes unhappy with DP but when alone depression hit me like an elephant.

I wish I knew what to do for the best.

How old are you? Can you really contemplate spending the rest of your life with someone you find controlling, embarrassing, stingy - ie someone whose view of money is so far from yours?

I think you should leave. It's not fair on dp to stay with him under false pretences either.

Think of it like this. How will you feel when you look in the mirror age seventy, having stayed with him. Will you see a life well lived?

His attitude sounds bizarre and you sound unhappy. Many, many people grew up in single parent households and are entirely happy and well-adjusted.

Why are you so unhappy alone? I'm alone (admittedly without DC) but with no family/partner around me. You do make friends!

Only you can decide what's best for you, but it must be dreadful to look back on a life filled with regret.

Well, you choices boil down to:

(a) live with this miserable stingy arse you don't love for the rest of your life

(b) learn how to make new friends so that living on your own is fun.

Which do you think sounds harder?

Sounds frugal to me. My husband is a bit like that ( with the teabags, past sell by date food, preferring free parking) but it doesn't seem controlling. He lets me buy whatever I want without moaning and is very generous. He just likes to save money where he can.

I hope you are not considering having more children by him just now.

It's hardly unusual to feel lonely and unhappy in the time after a split. It gets better but it takes time. And friends and family are no substitute for a partner. Sorry you have no family.

What split you up before? How did you come to get back together?

Whether you split or stay together you should not tolerate his behaviour over finances. You need to stand up for yourself, hard as that is. Options like him getting therapy for his rather extreme attitude to money, you only staying with him on condition of you taking control of the family finances and him not getting a say.

Has he ever recognised that he has issues around money? Are you actually skint?

Are you financially struggling and he is aware of this?

it's all very well saying "you learn to make friends" but my experience is you might, if you are lucky, get to see your friends for a couple of hours in a day. it still leaves a long, long time to be filled.

we split because I just couldn't stand the money thing, I was edgy and jumpy all the time. Stupid thing is, he fritters money as well, like he'll buy something for DD she doesn't need but he's "saved money" because it was second hand. I hated my pregnancy because we fought all the time about money - I had one pair of maternity trousers that had to last me 9 months and cost £7 in the peacocks sale.

but the long days and nights alone just drove me round the bend. I have friends, but they weren't there 24/7 and plus they are also married so you'd suggest a night out but they were having a night in - hard to explain I suppose but maybe it's me, maybe other people DO spend loads of time with their friends and make new ones who come round to their homes and stay there for hours easily, I don't know, I don't, though.

no not struggling financially, I am the main earner though, I earn just under £50,000 p/a. DP is on around £27,000 so not quite half what I am on but thereabouts.

I keep saying this but it's better to travel alone than badly accompanied.

Since I split with h I have been alone but not lonely. I was lonely in our big perfect house with a husband who clearly didn't love or respect me.

Perhaps you could try making new friends while you're with him. Two possible outcomes: a) you're happier and don't mind his stinginess so much b) you're happier but still mind and still want to split up. If you try to spend more of your time away from him doing things you enjoy, friendships will follow

If you don't want to leave, you have to learn to be more assertive. Throw out the out-of-date food. Tell him he can walk, but you are going to drive and park. Let him have is watery tea, though.

What would he do if you did this?

How are your finances organised, btw?

Wow. Since you are doing so well financially, he can't really tell you what to do with your money. He can't stop you buying trousers, maternity or otherwise. What happens when you stand up to him? What in hs background might have caused him to be like this. My dp can be a bit lik this. Luckily I earn my own money too, so buy nice food, stuff for ds out of my wage.

You are the main earner and he treats you like this. This is financial abuse. If you must stay with him, at least open your own bank account, pay your salary into it, take some money for yourself and then pay the rest into the joint account. Just tell him you are not prepared to live how he wants to and outline the changes you want.

If he doesnt change. Leave. For good. IME it takes about 2 years to get over a split. But 5 yrs on I am so much happier.

You're the main earner but he's financially abusive? How does that work in practical terms - do you give all your money to him/put everything in a joint account? Can you change that first?

If you sorted the financial issues, would you have a happy relationship?

I do have my own bank account. We used to have joint but it caused so many rows. But he moans and sulks, like say if I say "well you walk then, I am parking" he huffs and tuts and sighs, then uses it against me if ever we run a bit short one month (well not surprising as you waste money when do I do that DP well there was that time for instance when YOU spent money on parking ...)

he has a difficult background, he is also older than me.

I have lots of friends, I really really do. but they aren't physically THERE, or around, much, they work, they have dcs, they have husbands, families ... it's hard.

April sometimes I wonder that. We get on. He can be very loving. The truth is I find him difficult to live with, very difficult.

Then I realise what the alternative is, the long nights and days alone, the holidays alone, it isn't fun. Especially when your friends are coupled up.

It's even more outrageous that he's treating you like this regarding finances when you're bringing in nearly 50K to the family pot. You can obviously afford a second tea-bag and a quid for the car-park !
Slightly odd in those circumstances that you didn't feel able to buy yourself a second pair of maternity trousers for example ?
Does sound like there's some financial abuse going on really. Can you not keep some of your own money in your own account and spend as you see fit, especially given this set of circumstances ?
If you could crack this problem through improved assertiveness and a re-negotiation of family finances, you might feel better about staying ?
You have to do whatever's best for you and everyone else I think.
I don't know what that is, but hopefully some change from how things are now

It sounds really bloody exhausting being with someone so, so..., mean spirited frankly op.

There are DVDs. There is music. There are more films and plays and books and poems than you could ever have time to see or read.

Or you can get to 70 or 80, still shackled to victor meldrew over there, and wonder what the fuck happened to your life.

As far as anyone knows you're only going to get to do this once. Do you really want to go on like this?

thanks juggling :) the thing is, if I do buy something, it just leads to a row. this is partly my fault as a typical situation would be

"dp, i'm just popping into town."
dp looks incredulous. "town? you're going into town? what for?"
"well my clothes aren't fitting so well any more so I am going to see if there's some maternity clothes."
"oh." (pause) "well you know what you SHOULD do?"
"what's that?"
"you need to let out the waist of your trousers now!" (triumphant grin) "you don't NEED maternity clothes, they are just a rip off so manufacturer's can take advantage of pregnant women!"
"no, dp, I need maternity clothes, I am very uncomfortable."
"all right, all right! But, I WILL tell you - you don't go to TOWN to buy them. You buy them from ebay. That is what people do."

chubfuddler, I can watch dvds and watch films, it isn't the same, I spent years alone, years, it was bloody awful, I refuse to go back to that time.

As a LP I hear what you are saying about your friends not being THERE much. Thing is, I honestly would rather be alone and independent than be in a situation like yours. I don't mean that to sound nasty but honestly, if you are happy with yourself the time doesn't drag so much. It sounds as though you aren't happy alone because you don't know how to do things you enjoy alone? I think the only way to learn this is to do it for a while and it becomes second nature. I can do as I please (within reason with DD obv) and I have never felt freer and more in control of my own life.
I do become a weekend widow, and bank holidays are hard, but in all honesty if you plan well you can visit friends and arrange trips/weekends with the kids. A few days like that and you'll be so tired when you get in you will be content watching a film or reading before bed!
Netflix and iplayer are my companions once DD is in bed

Up to you. Your "d"p sounds bloody awful tbh. I know which sounds worse to me.

Well, if you 'refuse to go back to that time' of being alone you are just going to have to tell him when he does these things it isn't acceptable. You will have to grow a pair and face him if the other option isn't actually an option for you.

I think there are bigger issues here than whether you should leave him or not because he is stingy. It doesnt seem quite right to me that you should be worrying about needing someone to be there 24/7? (the comment about only having a couple of hours with friends).

Do you not enjoy your own company? How does it make you feel having an afternoon/day to yourself?

I dont like the sound of what he did regarding your maternity wear! Especially as I just read who earns what- thats not right OP :( How do you organise your finances, does it all go into one pool of money? I understand if he is being frugal- my PIL's do the teabag thing, and as I'm a mature student atm, I strongly discourage any un-neccessary spending by my OH (he earns a similar wage as you do). However your DH sounds like he goes a little too far at times.

If you do decide to leave him, it will be absolutely awful at first it will, it is like a bereavement in a way, but it will become better, to the point whereby you will be much happier having no-one to answer to and you will be able to live life for you and your friends, your DC's, career, and then eventually a new partner. I feel for you, as the not knowing what to do for the best is very difficult to live with. You are semi waiting for a moment of total clarity either way, or you just want someone to Tell you what to do!

Maybe your DH feels that he has less control over money as he earns less, so the only way he knows how to feel better about the situation is to cut back. Has he always been like this/are his family like this?
Sorry I havent been very helpful, I've just had an exam so prob my head is all over place too.

Online Dating? meetup.com for different interests?

Learning to be ok in your own company? Sometimes between work and study I only see one friend a week, maybe for just an hour or two at the weekend. You seem to need someone 24/7. Could you take up a hobby? It takes a bit of getting used to living alone but I loved it pretty much when I first got a flat of my own. Why do you think you find it harder than some? Not trying to criticise but curious.

Just saw your convo with DP- how bloody horrible!