Is it really better to break up?

[JustNeedAMap]

I don't know.

I'm not happy with DP. He's kind, well-meaning enough. We have an 11 month old DD, she is beautiful.

DP is financially abusive. He is stingy to the point of being embarrassing: if I make a cup of tea he stands over me telling me to use the teabag in his cup as well. He makes sarcastic comments if I shop at Asda or Tesco instead of Lidl or Aldi. He eats out of date food, has made DD ill once from eating it (not seriously.) He makes us walk miles in rainy weather rather than spend £1 on a carpark. I find it so horrible.

But, I have to be honest here, I'm unhappy alone as well, very unhappy. It's no good telling me to get out and join clubs because I have realised most people have a triangle of friends, family, partner. I have no family so without DP I am reliant on friends, I do have them, but they have their own families and partners. DP and I split last year and the days just dragged by, I had no one to speak to outside of work and the holidays seemed to last forever. At least when DP is around there is someone to talk to and (sometimes) have a laugh with and I really do care about him even if I am no madly in love with him.

Is it worth putting up with the sometimes-unhappiness of his controlling behaviour? Sometimes I think it is. No doubt more stable for DD, she will grow up in a house with mum, dad and brothers and sisters as well. Happier for me? I am sometimes unhappy with DP but when alone depression hit me like an elephant.

I wish I knew what to do for the best.

Well, ok, you do seem determined not to go down the being alone route, and determined that you won't make a better job of it than you did last time. And any suggestions about friends, or questioning the intensity of your beliefs about loneliness, are apparently "just not that simple".

Ok, fair enough. So your other option is to stay with the guy and face him down about this ridiculous nonsense. When you said about the teabags I was assuming you were both on the average wage, tops.

We can't give you a miraculous answer you haven't thought of. You have the map already, you've just decided all routes are impossible.

chub, I do get what you're saying, but at the same time, I can't pretend that the decade spent alone was isolating, miserable and deeply unhappy.

with dp, I have a partner, I have a father for my lovely girl, I have the opportunity to have more babies.

without dp, I go back to those long, lonely, dark days. and i'm just not sure which unhappy option is the lesser of the two and I can't EXPLAIN how horrifically miserable I feel to know my life essentially boils down to "what will be less miserable?"

you're right mad. it is impossible. sorry. just leave it now, please.

Have you considered that you are feeling so low because of the lack of control you are allowed in your life by your DP?

Your confidence and your ability to trust in yourself to manage alone seem very shaken.

very, I can't explain myself, I desperately want to, I am sobbing my heart out as i'm so frustrated, I want you all to understand, but I can't communicate what I mean and so everybody just thinks i'm this weak pathetic idiot who can't manage a day in the house alone and has no friends at all and needs to listen to music more, I swear I am not like that, but I rattled round an empty house for over ten years, it was awful, I never heard a kind word, I never got a hug or kiss, I never felt valued or loved. I once got ill and ended up calling 999, and went to hospital, the nurses kept saying 'is there no one who can bring you your stuff?' but there wasn't. I did contact a friend eventually. but like now, I can't think of a single friend who would be free!

and I know maybe some people live an exciting single life I didn't though, I used to go to asda at 8 o clock just for something to do.

anyway, I am sorry, I've got all upset through trying to explain,and I can't, and I shouldn't have posted as I can't find the words to express how I feel. and maybe there is a solution but sometimes I think i'm just not meant to be happy.

I'm sorry Just.

I do understand. You think I don't but I do. That's what's so frustrating.

It's like your "d" p is a badge you wear: look, I'm happy! Successful! I love someone who loves me too!

But from what you say, it isn't true. And that sounds lonelier than what you had before.

Oh dear :( I am so sorry you feel so upset, I think perhaps others will come along who have been in your situation and can advise you better. I have obviously contributed to your upset as you keep slightly passively aggressively referring to my comments in your 'no-one understands me' posts. I hope you find the help and peace that you need with this. Good luck with finding a solution, perhaps the solution is more a spiritual one. It sort of sounds like you will find a way to make yourself miserable, no matter what you have in your life. I had 5 years of therapy for ED's and depression, so I believe in the value of this and maybe it could help you? Help you gradually come to your own conclusion as to how to progress. Perhaps start by focusing on the things you are thankful for in your life and with DP. All his good points? (I assume he has some!!) If the good points outweigh the bad, maybe you could try and deal with the bad together, otherwise leave. Good luck whatever you decide x

I don't think you're any of those things Just.

And don't be sorry.You've nothing to be sorry for.

We're just trying to help you,not judge you.

I do understand the feeling of wanting to be someone's special person.

OP you are very depressed. I really think you need to see your GP and ask for some counselling. You also need to get your husband to some relate or similar couples counselling. This should help but also help you get some control back. Having an independent observer with you both will give you another sense of perspective.
Maybe then it will be easier to choose?
Sorry if I sounded harsh earlier. I do know how lonely it can be but with DD I don't ever get those terrible lows any more. I think I may just be lucky though.

I think I'm not dissimilar to you in some ways - different pattern of single/partnered though and I'm single just now instead of partnered.

I've never really done the wild single life where I'm out 5 nights a week either. I know plenty who have.

I have phases when I am like that and other phases when I am busier, more involved with studying or night classes or other social activities.

I like living alone, as in glad I don't flatshare any longer. I'm used to living alone so living with a partner would probably be a bit of a culture shock. But I do yearn for the companionship etc that only a partner gives you.

It does seem that you could do with working on some of this stuff with a counsellor or just trying to make a few little changes in your life that might pick it up a bit. Easier said than done I know. As said I get what I would call mild depression which can last a couple of years when I see and experience the world much as you describe it. I slowly spiral into these phases and slowly spiral out. Baby steps at first.

I think some of what you say is tied up in lack of self-esteem or self-worth. Like you assume no friend would have time for you if you were in hospital. I'm not sure that's the case. I have been shy of asking for help in that situation too.

I'm not sure where this is going. Maybe I'll just stop.

lolly, there is no passive-aggressiveness in me whatsoever, there's no aggressiveness, I just feel utterly exhausted and worn down. and yes sorry but when you are sobbing at one end of the computer and someone says "listen to music/go dancing" it doesn't help, much, which doesn't mean it isn't kindly meant hence I have said thank you.

"It sort of sounds like you will find a way to make yourself miserable, no matter what you have in your life."

what a nasty remark. was it really necessary?

I suspect that Lion is right,and perhaps a word with your gp may be a good starting point.
You do sound very down,and it can't hurt,can it?

You do sound depressed. I agree with a visit to the GPs.

I think counselling sounds like a really good idea too.
Just so you can talk over all these issues and feelings in RL in a bit more depth.
That could really help you I think.
And you can start by just doing that for yourself without telling DH, or by telling him that you've decided to do this (with your own money after all) as an investment in your own and everyone's future and well-being.
Wishing you all the best for the future Just

no, it's all right - I think I probably am depressed, I feel all wrong. and rightly or wrongly, I feel SO much better when I am not in the position of spending anything between 48 and 72 hours alone, I know you can do stuff, but it's not stuff I want to do, if you know what I mean? Plus I don't know how I would with the DD anyway although she's about the only thing I live for, she's made me so happy but I feel so guilty I won't give her the happiness she's given me.

I suppose we rushed into things in some ways but time wasn't on our side.

My head is spinning. So sorry everyone, the dd is not sleeping so well and neither am I.

Time for the GP, then.

I find it's particularly maddening to get depressed when things are apparently going "well". When there's an external cause it's all a lot easier to rationalise. But that's the way some of us are built, sadly.

I remember seeing one of those saccharine platitude type things and rolling my eyes but then I kind of saw it maybe made sense wrt my behaviour and feelings at the time. It was something like feeling that the world has turned it's back on you when in fact it is you who has turned your back to the world.

waffly a lot in your post was true and I could relate to it.

some friends are so lovely, it's practicalities though I suppose? We do see them, not as much as we'd like. Most are mine, as in they were mine to start with. I have low self esteem, I thought it had got better but maybe it's dipped again or maybe I am just insecure.

Apologies, it is probably just the 'helplessness' symptom of depression that you are experiencing. And seeing only the negatives/focusing on negatives. I agree that seeing a trusted GP could the best step forward. The way you are thinking is all wonky depression cognition.

Oh yes, and lack of sleep makes it all a hundred times worse! I can get pretty anxious when depressed and it affects my sleep. If you are tired you have a tendency to over-think (and not very clearly at that!) and it can just seem like you are going around in circles!
Please do get some counselling. Just getting it all out in person may help :) All the very best. Now try for an early night

the thing is, I'm not like this, I swear, this is not me. I laugh, I smile, I love reading, I listen to music and sing, badly, to the dd, I love animals, I love babies, I like shopping and girly days and flowers and blue sky and Christmas and autumn leaves and cake and chocolate.

and i'm reading through my posts and I sound like a miserable bitch and I SWEAR it isn't me, but that's sort of what I became on those long years alone, I just used to spend ages staring out of the window, I'd go in the car on Saturdays/Sundays to places on my own, because I couldn't stand the four walls, but I still went and wandered round and came back alone, and it was crap!

Will you go to the GP? I think it's worth working on this stuff regardless of where your relationship is just now.

If you do want to split it will be easier to find a new partner if you are out there doing stuff, meeting people, even if it does just feel like killing time until you meet someone or die, whichever comes first.

Hei Just, Don't be sad you feel you can't explain it. It seems really difficult thing to explain, you're caught between a rock and a hard place it seems to me. Your daughter is too little to be proper company yet, if you see what I mean, but as she gets older she will be.
you sound so lonely. maybe the question at the moment is not if you should break up, but as other posters have suggested, see if your partner can understand how stressed all this money "saving" is making you? maybe a financial plan, where you both contribute proportionally to all the bills and monthly outgoings, and then you each have your own sum after that you do what you like with. Then he can save to his heart's content, and you can spend it as you wish?
Don't mean to give silly advice, just a thought. I'm pretty stingy myself, hate paying for parking, but to not be allowed to get maternity trousers that fit? You need 3 to get them round the washing! And as a budding mum, ebay is well and good, but you need to be able to try them on as all bumps are different. Can he understand that at all? Certainly if you want more children this has to be drilled into him: no iffy food, and comfy/nice clothes a must.
Post again to share your thoughts, sometimes it takes a while to go through new ideas and new perspectives. Mull it over, and explain again. New thoughts might pop up that lets you think differently?
It sounds like you had such a long lonesome stretch I can understand that what looks like a return to that is awful to contemplate. But you do have your little girl. Though she's not one to lean on, she is there.

FWIW I recently saw a therapist and said that a friend who let me down for a day trip recently 'probably knew she would have more fun with the person she ended up spending the day with'. My therapist was horrified and said this was a prime example of me not being very nice to myself. So there you go. Sometimes you have to say these things to see how you put yourself down in every day situations (I do this completely naturally as a default setting). If she heard you she would probably encourage you to contact your friends and see what happens; can't be worse than you fear after all!