Is it really better to break up?

[JustNeedAMap]

I don't know.

I'm not happy with DP. He's kind, well-meaning enough. We have an 11 month old DD, she is beautiful.

DP is financially abusive. He is stingy to the point of being embarrassing: if I make a cup of tea he stands over me telling me to use the teabag in his cup as well. He makes sarcastic comments if I shop at Asda or Tesco instead of Lidl or Aldi. He eats out of date food, has made DD ill once from eating it (not seriously.) He makes us walk miles in rainy weather rather than spend £1 on a carpark. I find it so horrible.

But, I have to be honest here, I'm unhappy alone as well, very unhappy. It's no good telling me to get out and join clubs because I have realised most people have a triangle of friends, family, partner. I have no family so without DP I am reliant on friends, I do have them, but they have their own families and partners. DP and I split last year and the days just dragged by, I had no one to speak to outside of work and the holidays seemed to last forever. At least when DP is around there is someone to talk to and (sometimes) have a laugh with and I really do care about him even if I am no madly in love with him.

Is it worth putting up with the sometimes-unhappiness of his controlling behaviour? Sometimes I think it is. No doubt more stable for DD, she will grow up in a house with mum, dad and brothers and sisters as well. Happier for me? I am sometimes unhappy with DP but when alone depression hit me like an elephant.

I wish I knew what to do for the best.

nero a child got sick because of his stinginess. If said child had ended up in hospital would it still not be abuse.

Womens Aid definition of financial abuse.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049&sectionTitle=Financial

From the WA link.

Control access to all the household finances (including her own earnings/benefits): for example, by keeping control of bank accounts, credit cards, benefits, etc.; not giving her any money; and/or taking away any money/ resources she has of her own (including money for day-to-day housekeeping expenses, her savings, or other personal money); insisting she accounts for every penny she spends

Thanks for replies. I am feeling a bit stronger today - I was at a very low ebb a couple of days ago.

My relationship with DH isn't good. I care for him in a way and sometimes I see his caring nature. But financially he is controlling and mean.

I realise a lot of people have suggested having separate bank accounts - we do This is his behaviour around the house (no heating, ever, lights off, out of date food frozen) and outside the house too, no having meals out as a couple or a coffee or even taking DD for ice cream.

Then some people have said I won't be on my own because I've got DD. Right - and wrong. For how many years? She'll obviously want to live her own life, I'll always be here but she is my daughter rather than companion. I love her dearly though.

I have no family to speak of and I have been and to some extent am so lonely my heart hurts, it's all very well saying to someone that oh they should join clubs but it really is not that simple or straightforward as finding a 'club' and having loads of friends as a result. The reality is more, you join something, and then after several weeks or months you may or may not strike up a friendship with someone, but that someone will in all probability have a family and life of their own too, so where does that leave you, when you wake up and you realise you've got absolutely no one to talk to? Or when you go home on a Friday and speak to no one until Monday morning? That was my life for too many years.

Meeting someone else is unlikely. One of the few pleasures I get now is eating and I am obese as a result. I laughed when I saw some photographs of me taken the other day at the zoo with friends (see, I do have them ), I could easily have passed for a rhino! Added to that I am put simply not a physically attractive woman and interest in me is limited on online dating sites where men tend to go off looks. It isn't really for me, I used to hate those "hey your smile is so warm" messages, I just find them nauseating and embarrassing. In "real life" I can't think of any men I know who are not married or in relationships.

So I don't know what my answer is, or even if there is an answer other than trying to muddle through my life. I don't want fairy tales or even a romantic comedy but I would like to feel less alone. I don't fear being alone exactly but (and I say this meaning it with the greatest of respect, I really sincerely do) I sometimes wonder if those who assume we that fear isolation have ever done it themselves?

I am finding it hard to articulate quite what I mean. I wish I didn't see things so starkly as put up with things as they are or go back to misery and depression - but I do, I'm afraid.

I havedone it, I am now to an extent, and I have felt like you many times. Reading your post makes me scared for myself as it voices fears I try to quell. you are quite right about clubs and night classes. Most do not lead to long-term friendships or romantic relationships.

I think as I and others have said before, that going to the docs could be a starting point. I always worry about being alone and lonely now and in the future but sometimes I feel like you seem to and at other times I feel happier, and more positive and able to work at doing things that will make me happier, like now.

I do have family but they are a fair bit away and I see them 3 times a year only.

Whatever you choose to do about your relationship with your husband please do something for yourself now, not next week or next year. even just one baby step.

Have you tried to speak to your husband about his feelings about money? I'd guess there is some deep-rooted issues going on there. Maybe he just hates you earning more but maybe it's something else. A conversation about feelings rather than an argument about a particular incident.

My dear, your post is too gloomy for reality.
Life is not like this I promise.

I don't have any family, was abused.
I have friends now but I was once like you.
I don't have kids.
I broke up with someone and moved somewhere I knew no one. Everyone else seemed to have it all.

But I work.
And I taught myself to play the guitar.
I conceived of the woman I wanted to be, and I threw one piece of clothing out bit by bit until I was that person.

Man or no man, where can you see aliveness in life? Seek this.

On the whole going to clubs thing, yes did that, but only go to things you are interested in. It's not work then, it's doesn't go how you say it goes with the meeting of people it's much better. Much easier. And years go by and friends slowly grow and some stick and others don't.

You write yourself off so painfully I cannot bear it. I am going to go so far as to say it is not natural therefore I cannot agree.

I can't say whether to leave your husband or not, but I would advise you to think more and ask, is this really going to be it for me?? Really?? Am I going to look back at eighty and know I put my bloody back into my life and had a ball?

Forget the money thing with your man, teach him, spend money, don't listen to him.

I hate that you re lonely. Go out and find life. Go somewhere no one knows you and be a whole new person. Get drunk in the dusk. Xxx

Justneedanap, I am similar to you.

I hate being alone, find it very depressing and soul destroying. I have tried so hard not to be like that, so very hard, but it's the way I am. I understand exactly what you say about would you be better off staying, not because you like him, but because the alternative is just too hard.

However, I have been a single parent when ds was little. It wasn't so bad. There was always someone

Antidepressants helped tremendously, beyond anything I can say. Prozac was like a life saver tbh. I understand exactly where you are coming from, but you need to leave him. He sounds awful. Leave him or stand up to him. Why should he dictate to you? You will survive if you leave him. It makes a massive massive difference having a dc, and that feeling of aloneness is much less marked.

Hth

Well, you know, I work as well. I have interests, as well. I have friends, as well.

I know I will probably sound defensive here, but I have done the things you have done. I have lost my family, came through smiling, went away, studied, left, worked, promotion, promotion, another promotion, and then another. I have only one friend from schools days (I was bullied, because of my looks ) - all the friends I have now are friends I've made because I got up off my arse and made them. I've worked, and I've striven, and I haven't given in to that mind-crushing isolation that peppered my early years of being an adult.

But, despite all that work, all that effort and all that energy, I am still on my own a hell of a lot - until I met DH.

The joke seems to be that now I am just miserable in a different way! I used to think that people who complained about being on their own were a bit needy really, but now I get it.

I fear my retirement already, because I hate holidays, I hate weekends.

The doctor is just obsessed that I have PND. He doesn't understand I've felt like this for years. It is shit, feeling as if you weren't "born" to be loved or treated with kindness, respect or tenderness. But I do feel like that, it's like reading about someone else's holiday. And yet, I long for it.

Have there been times when you haven't felt like this?

And have you ever had therapy/counselling?

I had counselling, once. It didn't really work to be honest - lovely, lovely lady, but it wasn't for me. And yes, I've not always felt like this, I think it's the realisation that my life is - this - that it isn't going to change (and please don't all say it can if you make it - we all know it isn't that straightforward.)

It can change. I can be on my own - or stay with DH. Two crap choices. I am starting to see why people turn to gin!

Have you tried turning to gin!

Well there are lots of therapist and lots of therapies. You have the money to try a few.

What do you think it would take for you to feel more hopeful?

I have felt like you described earlier where the loneliness kind of breaks you down to the point you don't feel you know who you are or how to keep thinking. And in that state meeting people could often make me feel worse because it highlighted the fact they did not see my pain or could not fully accept me and it felt wearying just doing surface cheerfulness and sociableness. I was in a relationship too for somenof that time and I felt achingly lonely lying next to him asleep feeling this unassailbale distance between us.

I was quite severely depressed I think through most of that time. My GP urged ADs but didnt take them in the end. Tried counselling but didn't think much of it.

There was no big or single thing that turned things around. Just lots of little steps, lots of reading and trying to create strategies for helping myself feel better.

I agree with the poster above that whatevrr you do about your relationship you should try to do whatever you can for yourself, whatever baby step you can think to start with. I know it's a cliche but I do believe you need to love yourself as a foundation from which you can have satisfying relationships with others.

As for the money thing - I have had a tendency to be mean with money in the past, and I grew up with a father like this (we would drive for two hours to get shoes from a factory shop because the company car petrol was free and it saved a few pennies; we bought almost exclusively reduced for quick sale produce etc. etc.).

It can be kind of addictive and obsessive and is certainly not logical. I am much better now thanks to living with a dp at the other end of the spectrum and realising how silly some of my decisions were. Perhaps if you can sit him down and show him that your way of spending is not actually going to bankrupt you it could sway him? E.g. let him be in charge of discretionary spending for one month and take note of how much was spent, then you be in charge for a month and pay for parking, put the heating on etc. and compare your month. You will probably find it is not much more, if at all (because you won't buy worthless shit just because its cheap) and perhaps can convince him it's worth the little extra it might be to start taking dd out for an ice cream etc. because of the enjoyment you all could get out of that.

My mum hassled my dad for YEARS and eventually he started buying full price food and even staying at slightly fancy hotels and going out for dinner once a week so people can change (although probably not a lot!)

Dear OP, I do relate to your loneliness too. In a massive way. I am an only child and don't live in my home country, so I don't have any family here. My DP's family are OK, I guess, but on the whole, they're not people I'd have chosen to hang out with and they don't seem that interested in being close to me either, so I feel very lonely too.

I have a few friends, but like you, feel that they have their own lives and problems, so you can't bang on about you all the time.

Motherhood for me has been a very lonely time. A lot of people from my past, early twenties and thirties suddenly disappeared from my life. The ones I kept in touch with became very hard work over time, lots of little mind games and silly stuff overall, so now at 40, I feel very lonely too.

My husband is OK but not the greatest of day to day companions in many ways, and emotionally, I still have periods when I feel very much on my own.

My children are my main source of happiness at the moment. As children grow older, they become more fun, and less hard work. Looking after small children and babies is a very lonely place for many.

I'm sure your daughter will be a great companion too, and as she grows older, you'll share a lot of fun times together.

Whether you decide to leave your DP or not, you'll always have you and your daughter and you can both have a good life together.

Picking up on badchat's last point ... it might take a lot to change his behaviour, but it needn't take so much to change yours ?!

(Particularly) As you've made your own money you don't need to ask his permission to spend it !

I think you could begin to make a lot of significant changes in this area ?

You could certainly spend what you want to on your own clothes for example ... and your own tea-bags !

Am just having a cuppa myself just now ... would you like to join me ...
no sharing or second hand tea-bags required

he sounds quite excessively stingy to me. have you talked to him about this? does he have reason to be worried about money? if you are at home, does he want you to go back to work, is that what this is about? he sounds very odd to me. You need to talk to him seriously about this.

He can't be kind and well meaning at the same time as being stingy, sarcastic, controlling and financially abusive.

Perhaps if you stopped pretending he was kind and well meaning, you might be able to see that it's not worth staying with someone who is picking you apart bit by bit.

You've been given some great advice here.

This doesn't have to be your life. You can make a different choice.

I do like a cup of tea!

Hecsy, it isn't worth it. I think the issue is it scarcely seems worth staying, either

You're right, it doesn't have to be my life ... it's more a question of, which way to turn? Either way won't be happy.

Daughter is gorgeous but I worry that I don't want her to grow up and feel she can't go out with friends or have a boyfriend or a life of her own because she'll be leaving Mum in alone.

I live with a ducks arse type of bloke! I always make sure he's got his wallet when we go shopping or he'd leave the payment to me for everything. I make sure he knows that I think he's stingy. Other than that he's been a great dad and good husband.
You could have been worse off with an unkind man.
How long you been together? You'l both change with time, be assertive better the devil you know?

I wish it was just stinginess puckertoe but I said in my opening post he is financially abusive, and he is. It's far more than stinginess. I feel I cannot live my own life.

I have pretty much decided to leave, or rather ask him to leave (it's my house.) Not going to be easy.

That sounds like it might well be for the best Just

.... as you say it's more than stinginess and has crossed the line into financial abuse (from what you write)

I hope you and dd will find the future is brighter taking this path.
It will certainly be more unexpected I should think ... hopefully with some positive surprises round the corner ?

It's good to be brave. You only live once

No, not going to be easy but well done on deciding.

Good luck OP. Sounds as though you have been doing some much needed re-assessing.

I don't know how you are getting through living with this man! It sounds so frustrating, you must feel so trapped. I'm sure initially if you split up it would be harder but it wouldn't always be that way, you could be with someone who treats you well and really live the rest of your life x

Should