Is it really better to break up?

[JustNeedAMap]

I don't know.

I'm not happy with DP. He's kind, well-meaning enough. We have an 11 month old DD, she is beautiful.

DP is financially abusive. He is stingy to the point of being embarrassing: if I make a cup of tea he stands over me telling me to use the teabag in his cup as well. He makes sarcastic comments if I shop at Asda or Tesco instead of Lidl or Aldi. He eats out of date food, has made DD ill once from eating it (not seriously.) He makes us walk miles in rainy weather rather than spend £1 on a carpark. I find it so horrible.

But, I have to be honest here, I'm unhappy alone as well, very unhappy. It's no good telling me to get out and join clubs because I have realised most people have a triangle of friends, family, partner. I have no family so without DP I am reliant on friends, I do have them, but they have their own families and partners. DP and I split last year and the days just dragged by, I had no one to speak to outside of work and the holidays seemed to last forever. At least when DP is around there is someone to talk to and (sometimes) have a laugh with and I really do care about him even if I am no madly in love with him.

Is it worth putting up with the sometimes-unhappiness of his controlling behaviour? Sometimes I think it is. No doubt more stable for DD, she will grow up in a house with mum, dad and brothers and sisters as well. Happier for me? I am sometimes unhappy with DP but when alone depression hit me like an elephant.

I wish I knew what to do for the best.

lolly, it's so difficult to explain, yes, I enjoy my own company, but my life before (and without dp) could quite literally involve hours, days of it at a time. it's like, I would get up and think, okay, I could do this or that but the time just drags, and after a long period of it I would feel like I barely knew who I was anymore.

perhaps my friends are just a bit rubbish! :) but I don't see loads of them, they are just tied up with young children and the sort of "hey come to mine, watch a DVD" would no more happen than a trip to the moon.

I know that it's better to be alone than be in a bad relationship. But somehow my future just feels absolutely dire whatever I do, and I feel whatever decision I make will be the wrong decision.

I understand that. I have long gaps between relationships (years) and it is shit. Not as shit as a crappy relationship though.

Friends are no substitute for a partner.

I think you need a mantra then disengage for those sorts of conversations.

I doubt your friends are rubbish. Just settled. Once people start getting married/having kids then leisure time changes.

I wish I could give you the map you need OP, but I'm afraid we're all a little lost in life, just trying to navigate our way through! (total cheese ).

Perhaps one reason why the time drags is because you are so aware of it/focused on it? I studied the Psychology of Time/Time Perception in my final year of my Psychology degree, didn't believe it would ever come in use mind, and cant remember much as it was 5 years ago, but that may be a contributor. I think you could try filling your time with either hobbies, or maybe dating as someone suggested but thats probably further down the line. Have a think whether theres anything you ever really really wanted to try, but never had the opportunity to. I went to some bakery classes and cupcake decorating classes last year, as I fancied it, but if I had time now I would start rock-climbing, try horse riding and do arts and crafts. I always wanted to keep a scrap book but never have time, could you start one of them with/for your kids? How old are your DC? Maybe there are more things you could do together? I think you are in a positive situation in a way, as you obviously WANT to meet more people/connect with existing friends more etc, so you will get there.. Its not like you are saying you are sad and low and lonely but couldnt possible 'get out there' or dont like people! (I read that somewhere on MN)

Whatever decision you make will be the right decision, as you will make it the right decision for you. People always find a way xx

Also I find it difficult to motivate myself to go out and do something interesting rather than faff the day away when I don't have a plan to meet someone. I have bouts of mild depression which don't help.

I don't know that I would describe your husbands behaviour as abusive. Everyone has behaviour on a continuum some of which would count in a pattern of behaviour that would add up to abuse*. Maybe he is though. But it sounds like he either stinginess is his 'thing' or there is some insecurity around the difference in your incomes.

*that's not a good sentence. I mean I might have a bit of a temper or I might sulk sometimes or I might never give up on an argument or I might insist on the towels being folded a certain way, these things on their own do not make me abusive.

What about dance classes? They can be both social and a good bit of exercise!! Think of all those happy hormones!!

thanks waffly, it's good when people understand, to be honest. I often feel I can't explain how it is, as people think I need someone around 24/7, or that I need to make more friends, and it's just not that simple.

and yes, it's so hard when people are settled, and I find that you do sort of end up caught in the couple-ness of stuff. We have lived here for 4 years and only had people to stay a handful of times.

P.S From what I know on Psychology, the fastest way to change your mood is through the medium of MUSIC, so if you dont already I think you could use music to boost your mood and positivity. Try it, you may be surprised

Sorry I didnt mean to undermine how you feel, I will stop offering stupid advice now x

thank you lolly, dd is very very young so it is difficult. to be honest getting out more isn't exactly the problem. I work full time (dp would go into a coma if I did anything less!) and I am busy.

but without a partner, you do have long, long stretches on your own. you just do. throughout my 20s I lived alone, for over a decade. I tried to do all the stuff people say you should do, I made a few friends, but mostly they got married and had children. I met dp and we had dd, and thought that this was my chance for happiness, but I am so very unhappy for much of the time. but is it worse than my life used to be? no, it's better, but unhappily better - like I've had a bit of food and I'm not starving any more but still hungry.

so I could leave, I'm not happy, I hate the constant digs about money, but if I DO leave I go back to where I was? I don't know if my dilemma makes sense when I explain it like that, I hope so. i'm so muddled.

I get where you are coming from. My H is like this. We have a much higher than average income (he contributes significantly more than me but we both have well paid jobs) yet my H is so so stingy. We have masses of savings yet we have a leaky roof with a bucket under it (for over 2 years now), if I buy new clothes I get accused of being decadent, throwing anything away is wasteful. Since we had DD he has got worse and is now full on emotionally abusive and am planning my escape. It is a miserable way to live. My H's dad is the same and I know things will never change.

Don't want to be all doom and gloom but think it might get worse. but on the plus side you may make lots more friends through having children?

Without wishing to appear rude,on your joint income,if you are running short of money at the end of the month,one of you must be spending well,and it doesn't appear to be you.

For goodness sake,if you do decide to stay with him,you need to sort the financial side out and let him know you won't br dictated to by him (and mean it).

All I can see is you getting really resentful in time if this isn't sorted.

I would also work on finding some of your own interests - not even necessarily stuff you go out to do - just stuff to inspire you.How about reading? It's a wonderful thing to be able to enjoy solitude as well as being in company,and whatever you decide I think it'd be good to develop an ability to enjoy your own company.

verysmall, I read loads, I lived alone for eleven years, though, and it isn't about not enjoying your own company but about being completely cut off and isolated from any norms of society. honestly, try it, it isn't fun.

bounty, I know just what you mean and it's so awful. the worst thing is, I feel myself tensing up whenever he mentions money. I get "now, we need to go through the bank accounts" and it's excruciating.

sometimes I do think i'd be happier alone and then I remembered what those long, dark, miserable days were really like and I feel that I just can't go back there. I was so happy when I met dp as I never thought i'd get the chance to marry or have children. now I feel like it was just a cruel joke!

The way I see it is this:

By staying, you will NEVER be happy. This will affect your DD as well as you.

If you go, then yes, in the short term you will be alone. You'll have some lonely times, some sad times and then things will get better. You might meet someone, you might not. But you will know you took control and refused to waste your life.

Been there, done that so I know what I'm talking about. It's SO worth taking the risk for future happiness.

The norms of society are a lie designed to keep us where it suits society to have us.

My instinct says that if you leave, initially yes you would be more unhappy, but then I believe that your next relationship would bring you more happiness that you have felt previously (because you know what you want, and are ready for it now). I dont have DC's so no experience of how that changes things, but your reasons for staying do not sound very strong imo.

I am so very unhappy for much of the time. but is it worse than my life used to be? This made me sad for you.

I know you feel stuck, and I bet you are terrified of it going back to life 'before' if you were so unhappy then. But life moves forward, it wouldnt be how it was like previously. So many things have changed for you, and in you. It sounds like you are settling a bit. Also, at the moment it feels as though all this turmoil is going on inside your head and I wonder whether your DP has any idea. Often things come as a surprise to our partners, could you talk to him about how you feel? He may even surprise you with his reaction. I think that communicating about this is essential- you owe it to yourself, DC and partner. I would't advise leaving before all this was out in the open.

maybe chub, but all the same, weekends spent alone, no holidays, few opportunities to go to restaurants, weekends away, just chat to people.

it's highly unlikely I will meet anybody it took me until I was 34 to meet dp. I used to get messages on od sites saying how ugly I was! I have a facial disfigurement and also on top of that have gained much weight since dd.

he knows, I have told him I am unhappy but it all somehow gets turned round on me, that if I came round to his way of thinking (about money) we would be ok.

I also don't understand how you can be short of money ever unless you have huge mortgage or childcare bills. We earn a bit less than that and pay nursery fees but although we're not rolling in it we can easily afford to buy what we want at the supermarket, new clothes when needed and have meals out. If he's so stingy where is the money going?

Oh- the first sentence came across like you could only be happy with a man, I didn't mean that! You can absolutely be happy on your own!! But if/when there was a new relationship, if you learnt from past mistakes so to speak, it should be better

Sounds like EA tactics to me.

And why cant he come round to your way of thinking??!

Do you go on holiday?
Go to restaurants?
Go away for weekends?

Really? Doubting it with a man who begrudges you a pair of maternity trousers.

Is there any chance he has hidden debts/other issues with money you dont know about... do you know that he doesnt spend huge chunks of it on some sort of addition?

addiction!

we're not short of money brian, all the same we don't have loads mainly due to childcare fees, so if (for example) I suggest a holiday and then we decide we can't afford it I then get told that it's because of all the money "we" (meaning I) waste.

the stupid thing is dp wastes loads, but if it was cheap, or cheaper than it would have been full price, he buys it, so he bought me five horrible polo shirts from the market once, they look horrific, I don't wear them for work, I don't wear them ever, but he sees that as "saving" because they only cost £5.

Just I have lived alone,and I found it,by and large,a good experience - but we aren't all made the same,I realise that.

I'm just thinking it's maybe something you can start to cultivate.

Is your DP treating you with love and respect?
Is he allowing you to form friendships and pursue your own activities outside of the home?