Is it really better to break up?

[JustNeedAMap]

I don't know.

I'm not happy with DP. He's kind, well-meaning enough. We have an 11 month old DD, she is beautiful.

DP is financially abusive. He is stingy to the point of being embarrassing: if I make a cup of tea he stands over me telling me to use the teabag in his cup as well. He makes sarcastic comments if I shop at Asda or Tesco instead of Lidl or Aldi. He eats out of date food, has made DD ill once from eating it (not seriously.) He makes us walk miles in rainy weather rather than spend £1 on a carpark. I find it so horrible.

But, I have to be honest here, I'm unhappy alone as well, very unhappy. It's no good telling me to get out and join clubs because I have realised most people have a triangle of friends, family, partner. I have no family so without DP I am reliant on friends, I do have them, but they have their own families and partners. DP and I split last year and the days just dragged by, I had no one to speak to outside of work and the holidays seemed to last forever. At least when DP is around there is someone to talk to and (sometimes) have a laugh with and I really do care about him even if I am no madly in love with him.

Is it worth putting up with the sometimes-unhappiness of his controlling behaviour? Sometimes I think it is. No doubt more stable for DD, she will grow up in a house with mum, dad and brothers and sisters as well. Happier for me? I am sometimes unhappy with DP but when alone depression hit me like an elephant.

I wish I knew what to do for the best.

I'd go in the car on Saturdays/Sundays to places on my own, because I couldn't stand the four walls, but I still went and wandered round and came back alone, and it was crap!

Been there. that does sound very much like me in one of my depressive phases. What is the point of a day out to a lovely place when there is no one to share it with?

Then it sounds like something in your brain has decided to go a bit squu-wif' (thats a technical term ) and you would rightly benefit from some old wise professional having a good look in there

AD's can really help to start off the process of getting back to 'you'. Just lift your mood slightly.

I have lost myself at times, massively. I lost 3-4 years of my life to ED's, spent them either at gym when ana or BP when mia.. I didnt go out, no confidence, didnt have any self esteem or know who I was. It was awful. It sounds like you have lost yourself a little too.. The sleep deprivation and new baby must surely be a huge contributing factor to this?

Much as you love DD too, babies can be hard work, and tiring, which may be having an effect here.

even if it does just feel like killing time until you meet someone or die, whichever comes first

LOL Waffly!!

But you won't be alone you have your DD I take it she was not around before when you were alone for all those years.

be nice to yourself.
you won't be alone you will have your dd. i have been on my own for yrs after ex left us.
BUT, as your dd gets older you will start to meet more people, school stuff, after school stuff.

you do sound depressed, don't look backwards to that time in your 20's you were alone, and let me say you are not alone in that one!

If you felt less depressed, you would start to see positive things. You can't stay with this man for the next 40 yrs!!! For what??

that's true noidea she will have DD and that will make a big difference. In a number of ways!

It's not the same as a partner though....

Wow you guys are earning £77k between you and he's arguing over bloody teabags!!! WTF??? Don't mean to sound unsympathetic but he has a serious problem. Why are you putting up with this? It's just mean spirited. If you stay with with this man you will live an unhappy life and he will suck the soul out of you. I am single, 48 and yes people do have their own lives but it is possible to make friends. It just takes time. And surely it's better to be happy by yourself and in charge of your own teabags than living with a miserly miserable tight arse like him? Life's short honey, live it! Please....

Have you talked to him about this?

It is hard to be on your own. I fully get that. I can go for days without seeing a soul or opening my mouth to speak but despite that, I'm happier because I don't have the wrong partner making me miserable.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all balloons and sunshine and I do stay in far too much etc but that's my fault.. I could go out and meet people and do stuff but I just can't be arsed (probably got some depression lurking)

The fact is, alone is ok.. I've done it more or less for almost a year now, and despite the monotony.. I'm less miserable than I was in my previous relationship. No one is criticising me, or telling me off for spending, or bitching about my cooking, or complaining the house isn't tidy enough etc etc ad infinitum

I'm guessing the nursery fees are probably the biggest expense and he can hardly really say that is you wasting money can he?!

Remember the nursery fees enable you BOTH to go to work, they shouldn't be seen as coming just out of your salary. (though sadly that's often the way)

I'd say keep your own bank account private from him from now on. You spend on what you like and don't go through YOUR bank account with him!

I rattled round an empty house for over ten years, it was awful, I never heard a kind word, I never got a hug or kiss, I never felt valued or loved.

Surely the difference now is that you have a child? Or are you saying you would leave the child behind with DP? because i don't see how you would be alone with nothing to do when you are living with your DD?

Reading your comments on the thread, I can't help feeling that you have very low self esteem, and that is your real problem.

• It makes it difficult for you to respond assertively to your partner when he is unreasonable about money.
• It makes the idea of living alone so horrendous*.
• It makes you feel that it is unlikely that you will meet someone else.

I really think you should get some counselling to develop your self-esteem. You may improve your relationship with your partner; you may decide that you would be better off without him. It certainly could not do you any harm.

If you are suffering from a depressive disorder (and it does sound like you are), you would even be able to get a short course on the NHS, so your partner wouldn't whinge about that.

• I lived alone until I was 35. I really miss it, and I have very few friends. I loved spending weekends on my own etc. It is not living alone that is good or bad, it is how a person feels about it.

There's no rush to leave this guy, if you don't want to.... You can just make the best of it as you obviously do have feelings for him. You have a child together. How about just working on being nice to yourself for a bit.... Buying what you like, and trying to be happy despite him? Or have empathy for him. He is obviously has a scarcity world view. A lot of men seem to IMO.... (my dp does anyway) and I guess it is about gently challenging that

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is neither kind nor well meaning if he behaves like this towards you. Am I really surprised he has had a poor childhood, well no but that is no excuse or justification for his behaviour now. Putting up and/or shutting up in the face of this is no option.

I would agree with the posters who have suggested you visit the GP. With regards to counselling, counselling for your own self alone would be beneficial. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together due to his financial abuse of you.

It is not worth putting up with his controlling behaviour and controlling behaviour like this is abusive behaviour to boot. Is this really what you want to model as a relationship to your child?. What do you want to teach her about relationships, surely not this poor role model. Also this current model you have is certainly not a stable and or happy one; if you were to stay it may well be one she could well replicate in her own adult relationships. She may well wonder of you also why you put her awful dad before her as a child.

I think he is a major contributor to your current depressive state now.

How did the stingy behaviour start?

Just have to say - CitySocialising (it's a website for socialising and meeting new people in your area). You don't need to rely on one group of people being free when you want to do something, you can just go out to whatever takes your fancy whenever you feel like it. Even if you have loads of friends, there'll always be a concert, gig etc that you want to go to and nobody else does - but you'll always be able to find people to go along with through a social. Even if you don't split with DP, you'll care a lot less about what he thinks (and his stingy ways) if you aren't reliant on him to have a good time.

I've moved all over the country, and when I moved to Essex a couple of years ago I didn't know anyone - other than my flatmates and work colleagues. I had a similar situation to you - no family, and I was really depressed. Majorly down about not having a partner, and the days just seemed to drag when I wasn't in work. Fast forward to six months after joining the site, and I was out most week nights after work (theatre, cinema, bars) and filling weekends with day and evening socials. Had a brilliant time. Never been so happy. Things are a bit different for me now, not working and expecting a baby in August, but if I had the money I'd still be going out with the people I met through the site.

Know you have a young child, but think the first step is to expand your social life. Then you can deal with the less than ideal partner. Believe me, if I was earning 50k a year there's no way I'd be letting someone else make me miserable. Only you can make yourself happy, there's so much to do out there and you only have the one life - take a chance. There's nothing to lose.

ive only just spotted this thread. Being financially abusive and stingy to the point where a child is made ill is not being frugal.

OP you might find this MSE thread an interesting read.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving

My experience with a tight financially abusive ex from the above link.

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dark lady
31-08-2010, 5:39 PM

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Is this miserly or moneysaving

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Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Ohmygod darkest I just read that message, that is on another level! Thank god she got out. I just dont understand people like this!! What the hell..

lolly that message above yr post was my ex OM Thats why it didnt work out.

I used to post on MSE but dont anymore

I understand somewhat where you are coming from OP. You seem to have low self esteem (ie your comments about your looks). I don't make friends easily for various reasons, but the friends I do have are good ones. I too don't feel I can rely on people for some reason (ie your hospital analogy). I think I've just accepted that I'm a bit of a weirdo (!) , I do feel flat a lot of the time. My relationship is not that great, although we do love each other I feel we are incompatible in fundamental ways.

How old is your DD? When she is a bit older (say 4/5 +) you will have much more fun and company from her. So until they start going out with friends etc at around 12/13 , you have a few years of not being lonely to sort out your issues with being alone. I was very lonely when mine were babies, but now I never have a spare moment without conversation.

You say you work, does this not fill your emotional needs a bit? I work 2 days a week and I find it's easier to make friends in work situations because things are not so forced.

As for your partner, I can't really tell if he is being abusive per se, your dialogue it seems you are not asserting yourself and he is sort of steam-rollering over you with his views, which is not right, but if you say he is loving and a good father generally, it may just be his one sticking point (I am a bit like your partner with frugality, I cringe when people spend on stuff like designer handbags etc so I may be biased). But if you are miserable it's not right.

Maybe the reason you are held back from making a decision on your relationship is because your own head is muddled / you are depressed in general I mean, not just regarding the relationship.

x

Dear OP, I know sometimes it seems that everybody has great, flawless relationships with their partners and we are the only ones who have to put up with "nasty bits" from our spouses. From reading some posts in MN, it seems that relationships are either perfect or abusive, perfect bliss or absolute hell. The reality is that most relationships fall somewhere in between, where there are good bits and bad bits too in equal measure.

I wouldn't call your husband stinginess abuse as such, so I couldn't advise to leave a husband on the basis that he is stingy, and makes annoying remarks about saving money.

When I first read your OP, it gave the impression that you were financially dependant on him, but later you said you earned a good income. So, in my view, there's no need for you to feel so bad about spending your money. I'd go back to a common account where you put a proportion of your salary each, and then whatever is left in your individual accounts, you can spend as you wish, without having to give explanations to the other side.

Next time he makes one of his "stingy" comments, make a joke out of it. See the humorous side to it. Has he got a sense of humour about it? Try talking to him about it and why you it is upsetting you.

I think most people have their quirks and annoying habits and behaviours, and as long as it doesn't fall into real emotional, financial and physical abuse, we should give couples a chance to work at their differences and try to make things better in the future.

My DP is not perfect. I'm not perfect either. I am happy sometimes in our relationship, sometimes I'm not that happy but I guess that's part of life. If I were single, it'd be the same: sometimes happy, sometimes not. Good luck, OP!