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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

woke up to find dh playing with me

122 replies

overreaction · 28/05/2013 10:51

I have name changed for this. It may be normal for other couples but its not for us & I need to work out if I overreacted. Woke up to find my legs spread apart & dh playing with my clit. He said he thought I was awake & I led him on. I said I thought what he was doing was weird as I was clearly asleep. He has tried this a couple of times before. He got in a mood & slept on the sofa. I dont want to lose our relationship but I feel slightly violated. What do I do? What do I say? Did I over react?

OP posts:

forgetmenots · 28/05/2013 10:56

You didn't overreact, at all. You are totally entitled to tell him never to do that again and expect to have that respected.

For me the question I would have is was he trying to wake you up or not? (I've 'woken' DH in a similar way, but wouldn't have continued or done anything further if it was clear he wasn't happy or was asleep).

EleanorHandbasket · 28/05/2013 10:57

You are not overreacting

How on earth is he claiming you led him on? That is a phrase that rapists use, by the way.

It is not an ok thing to do and it shows a horrible disregard for your boundaries and body.

I hope you're ok.

forgetmenots · 28/05/2013 10:59

I think, and meant to say, OP - the fact that you're on here asking about it tells you how you feel about it and that it wasn't ok.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/05/2013 11:02

You are not overreacting at all OP.

If he was attempting to wake you in a saucy way then he should have apologised and be contrite immediately after you let it known that you didn't like it.

His defensiveness and him sulking off to sleep on sofa rings bells.

lottieandmia · 28/05/2013 11:07

This is bad - as people say - it's his reaction that makes this sinister and you say that he has done this before.

How can you trust someone who clearly doesn't respect you?

ethicaljamrag · 28/05/2013 11:09

You didn't ask to have sex and even if he thinks you seemed half awake you weren't able to consent to sex properly. I don't Iike the sound of him.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 28/05/2013 11:10

Not normal, no. I am very sorry.

It sounds awful. I would feel violated because it is a violation.

The worrying thing is that he does not want to understand it.

quietlysuggests · 28/05/2013 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/05/2013 11:12

This is really bad. It's totally different to someone waking their partner up in this sort of way because they have a prior agreement that it's OK and enjoyed/wanted. (If that's what you meant by saying it's normal for some couples. That is normal, this isn't.)

He has lied and said that he thought you were awake when you were clearly asleep. If anything why did he not say "I thought it would be nice" not "I thought you were awake"? I call bullshit. His excuse/reasoning makes no sense.

So, he's doing it purposefully when you're asleep. This is creepy as hell, because it means he's not seeking consent from you, in fact, he's actively avoiding it.

Thirdly you say he's done it before and presumably you've told him these other times that you don't like it, and regardless he has done it again.

Does he often override your wishes in the relationship? I'd be willing to bet this kind of attitude isn't just present in the bedroom.

NotDead · 28/05/2013 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

forgetmenots · 28/05/2013 11:22

I agree with you quietlysuggests - I brought it up in case OP has a recollection of any of that happening, which is why she's not sure. Of course if it is just as you say it's wrong and I hope I made that clear.

Original poster

overreaction · 28/05/2013 11:23

What you have said is exactly what I feel, I guess I just needed other opinions to confirm it. He denied it at first & said I was sleeping like that but I could feel him prising my legs open. That was followed by a sulk then him getting angry & trying to shift the blame. This was all at 2 in the morning. He has a very high sex drive & the littlest attention makes him want sex. For this reason we cant kiss or cuddle. Sounds bad doesnt it?
I guess I knew, we have been together for 14 years. I dont know what to say to him but the trust I had is gone, you are right he doesnt respect me, I know that & have done throughout our relationship.

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/05/2013 11:26

It's happened more than once? I missed that in the OP. I used to have an ex that got his kicks that way. He would get me in a comatose state so he could get his rocks off.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/05/2013 11:27

At 2 in the morning?! He was seriously trying not to wake you wasn't he? :( I assumed you meant at 7am or something.

And you can't kiss or cuddle him because he demands sex what a tosser. I had an ex like this, too. It's a pathetic attitude that reminds me more of a toddler demanding sweeties than any actual adult behaviour. Really kills your love and respect for them too, over time :(

forgetmenots · 28/05/2013 11:28

No, OP, this definitely isn't right. You can't kiss or cuddle but he can do this in the middle of the night? :(

I hope you're okay

LittleAbruzzenBear · 28/05/2013 11:36

I don't like this either OP. As others say, his reaction and general behaviour (re kissing and cuddling) is wrong and creepy. He has a problem, not you.

Cheerymum · 28/05/2013 11:40

I agree with the above - waking up a partner with some very gentle sauce might be fine (would be in our house) but persisting if it was not wanted (or indeed any reaction except for sorry +/- affectionate cuddle if wanted and letting the sleepy person go back to sleep) would be odd.
Maybe he had a previous partner who enjoyed being woken up in this way and doesn't see the issue/felt rejected.
I would let the dust settle and say then say to him that him that you are uncomfortable with him touching you sexually if you are sleeping/very sleepy. Ask whether there were any specific cues that to him suggested were awake/ok with it and perhaps agree a clear boundary, eg if he needs to ask you if you're in the mood if you look sleepy, and if you respond alertly, verbally to say yes, then it's ok.
If he does it again after a clear discussion about what your personal boundary is, then it is clearly assault/abusive, and there is no grey area about it.

cece · 28/05/2013 11:43

No this is absolutely not OK.

Isetan · 28/05/2013 11:43

He did and does this because he doesn't want your consent and his reaction is another example of his contempt for you.

What would you think if the things you had written were written by someone else, you'd be horrified because they're horrific. Your subdued reaction is your brains way of protecting you from the horrific realisation that the person you love is violating you.

Staying with someone who has this level of contempt for your physical and emotional wellbeing will chip away at your sense of self worth. You may not want to loose him but can you afford the costs of keeping him and you maybe paying these costs for a very long time.

Cheerymum · 28/05/2013 11:44

Sorry, missed a few posts as was phoned mid posting. It is never ok to "demand" sex. If your respective sex drives are mismatched (as many couples are to a greater or lesser degree) then this needs to be managed by acceptable compromise, not demands and sulking. Hope you are OK OP. Don't put up with anything you aren't comfortable with.

Cheerymum · 28/05/2013 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 28/05/2013 11:54

Denial, blaming you and sulking.

Not good at all.

Original poster

overreaction · 28/05/2013 11:56

Thanks for your replies. Im going to attempt to talk to him. I asked him to sleep on the sofa & he hasnt been back up since. I hope its because he feels ashamed but we shall see.

OP posts:

glastocat · 28/05/2013 12:00

That is totally weird and creepy.

fishybits · 28/05/2013 12:03

DH and I have an agreement, I can wake him any which way I want in order to have sex. In the early days of our relationship I had said that he could do the same but he said no because whilst he is always up for it, I'm not and he would never want to do anything that I might not be conscience enough to agree to. He was right.

My point is that DH and I discussed our boundaries and they are respected. That's what happens in a normal, healthy relationship. What you described isn't normal or healthy.

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