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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

woke up to find dh playing with me

122 replies

overreaction · 28/05/2013 10:51

I have name changed for this. It may be normal for other couples but its not for us & I need to work out if I overreacted. Woke up to find my legs spread apart & dh playing with my clit. He said he thought I was awake & I led him on. I said I thought what he was doing was weird as I was clearly asleep. He has tried this a couple of times before. He got in a mood & slept on the sofa. I dont want to lose our relationship but I feel slightly violated. What do I do? What do I say? Did I over react?

OP posts:

hellonewworld · 28/05/2013 12:24

What is your relationship like in other ways? Do you have dc's? I would feel a little uncomfortable with this as well if I'm honest. The not kissing and hugging would make me feel rejected and almost as if I was a toy being used for his own personal benefit. I would seriously be considering my future in this relationship.

hellonewworld · 28/05/2013 12:24

OxfordBags · 28/05/2013 12:53

That is disgusting and unacceptable behaviour. And it sounds like he's always treated you crappily sexually and he's just escalating. Sounds like he treats you like you're some fuckhole, a blow-up doll or something. The fact that you say that the slightest thing, even just a kiss or cuddle, can make him expect and demand sex is deeply wrong and abusive. He isn't an animal, he didn't turn up on your door as a caveman falling from a time machine, he knows the basic rules of sexual conduct and respect and he is choosing time and time again to ignore them, because his selfish needs matter more than you as a human being. NO-ONE'S sex drive is so high or so urgent that it makes them unable to control themself - and if it is, then they are mentally ill and a danger to others and needs urgent psychiatric attention. I'm being totally serious; either he has a mental illness to do with sexual compulsion OR he is sexually abusive and chooses to treat you like this because he sees you as less than him, less than human, some hole to service him when and how he likes. Both are reasons why you should not put up with him or this rapey behaviour.

The words and excuses he uses are classic rapist bullshit. Leading him on? That's just a lie that sex pests use to try to shame women and delude themselves as to how badly behaved they are. And you sleeping in a certain position (which wasn't even true anyway!) is leading him on? So even when you are unconscious, you're trying to provoke him? Outrageous, disgusting, worrying abuse.

Let's be clear here - what he is doing is sexual abuse. If he had succeeded in penetrating you, it would have been rape. This is not a man you or any DC you have should be around. I doubt very highly that he is respectful in every other aspect of your life together...

Original poster

overreaction · 28/05/2013 13:31

thanks for your replies. Well dh has said he got it wrong, massively wrong & has apologised. He said he spent the morning looking on mumsnet & other forums to see other peoples view. He said he would never force me & is upset with himself for what he did & his reaction. He is going to give me some space & will sleep separately for a while. He says his sex drive is alot higher then mine which he struggles with but is going to try. I hope he means it. He knows I feel betrayed, disrespected & totally violated & is remorseful. He says it is down to me to initiate things in the future so he knows hes not getting it wrong.

OP posts:

Thistledew · 28/05/2013 13:52

"He says it is down to me to initiate things in the future ..."

OP, unless you are completely happy with this arrangement, and feel confident that he will stick to it without any sulks, comments or general nastiness about him then not getting 'enough' sex, this is yet another massive red flag.

Does he really think that he has no way of judging when you are in the mood for sex without you being the one to make the first move? When just a little while ago he accused you of "leading him on" when you were asleep? Will you actually be able to express any affection to him, such as a hug, touching him at all, let alone a cuddle or a kiss, without him taking that as a signal that you are initiating sex? How will he react if he 'misreads' you and you have to tell him no?

If he genuinely cannot tell the difference between you expressing affection and indicating that you want sex, then he either needs some serious therapy or he is deliberately not even trying to understand your wants and feelings.

Dahlialover · 28/05/2013 14:43

OH has done this before, and I have brushed him off grumpily to discover he was not even awake himself so has no memory of it at all! If I have gone along with it, he has been surprised to find himself seduced in the middle of the night. It has also been useful when he has complained of being too tired and gone to sleep, then obviously changed his mind when asleep......... Still, it could lead to embarrassing situations, so we did sort out what was happening and talked about it and it does not happen any more. It has its funny moments.

Waiting for you to initiate things may work in the very short term, but you will need to continue talking about it and keep sorting out your boundaries. Things change with time anyway, so it is a constant process.

Original poster

overreaction · 28/05/2013 14:57

I did feel the same about the me always initiating it thing. But he does seem genuinely remorseful so we will have to see. I asked him if he could live like that & he said our relationship is too important to him not to try. He acknowledged that he has other issues in regards to sex that he needs to work through. He does not feel like he has an overtly high sex drive but admits that we may be mismatched sexually. I don't know but he does seem genuinely sorry.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 15:03

You can't cuddle and kiss because he starts pressurising you into sex ?

he interferes with you as you sleep ?

is he an oversexed dog ?

have him put down humanely

if you are reading MrO, you are a sexual abuser and the excuse of "I can't help it" is so much hogwash

get some help

onenutshortofasnickers · 28/05/2013 15:10

if he has done it before as you say all this remorse and feeling bad and saying sorry is probably going to last a few days.

he will do it again and every time it will get worse and he will push it further.

it already is affecting yoyr relationship if you cant kiss and cuddle. how is this man if yours day to day?

btw what he did is illegal and sexual harrassment and worth reporting that and psdt incidents to 101 and you should leave him- unless you are happy living with a sexually abusive man who lies.

Thistledew · 28/05/2013 15:37

Do you like to kiss and cuddle? If so, why do you feel that you have to do without this aspect of your sexuality, for someone who seems to have no inclination to compromise on his?

coppertop · 28/05/2013 16:55

"He said he spent the morning looking on mumsnet & other forums to see other peoples view."

Surely other people's views would be irrelevant to him in this situation? It doesn't matter whether 99.9% of the entire planet would be delighted to be woken up like that. The opinion that matters here is yours.

YoniBottsBumgina · 28/05/2013 17:12

Abusers always seem genuinely sorry. Doesn't change the fact that they did it.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 17:14

...and will do it again

Original poster

overreaction · 28/05/2013 17:46

I know

OP posts:

OxfordBags · 28/05/2013 18:33

A man who thinks that being asleep is consent to sex is sexually mismatched with ANYONE not made of high-grade latex.

tribpot · 28/05/2013 18:36

He denied it at first & said I was sleeping like that but I could feel him prising my legs open

But even if you had been sleeping with your legs apart, they were just that - apart, not an open invitation for him to have a fiddle. How the fuck are you meant to indicate your lack of desire for sex whilst you are asleep?

Original poster

overreaction · 28/05/2013 18:47

I wish it had all been a bad dream.
Ive got to act like normal for the dcs sake which has been very hard today with half term. Hes gone to work. I hope I can get over this, theres nothing else I can do. I dont think he would have tried full sex. He does sound remorseful.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 18:49

Why are you forcing yourself to "get over it" ?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 18:50

Does he realise sex without consent is rape ?

And that since about 1992, men do not have automatic entitlement to have sex on their wife's body ?

Vivacia · 28/05/2013 18:51

What kind of sex would you like to have? How about saying that for a set number of weeks you will only kiss and cuddle?

mrsdrew · 28/05/2013 19:02

Not ok. I have done this this with a boyfriend who was physically responding (if you get what I mean) but then kind of jumped as woke up. I felt awful as had thought he was awake and apologised straight away. It doesn't sound like this is what happened though and its not ok and you need to speak to him about it. Notdead: I think that sometimes men get a hard time on this site and sometimes are treated quite harshly but...your use of language and certain references in your post are really creepy.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 19:04

Notdead is popping up all over this site posting all kinds of creepy shit.

GingerJulep · 28/05/2013 19:37

OP I've done very similar to many men - and had a few try similar with me (am female).

Sometimes it works beautifully. Sometimes it doesn't.

Just like any other sexual misunderstanding much the best if you can laugh at I together rather than have a row/be embarrassed/throw anyone out of bed.

In an LTR you could go down a verbal consent to everything/you initiating route (and I can see why you banishing him to sofa would make him feel like suggesting that!). Or you could try to make it fun for both of you.

No-one should feel bad because they have a lower sex drive/less adventurous tastes. And equally no-one should feel bad because they have a higher sex drive/more adventurous tastes.

Chubfuddler · 28/05/2013 19:50

They should feel bad if their higher sex deuce prompts them to sexually assault their sleeping partner.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 19:51

I disagree

I feel that rapists should feel bad for what they do

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