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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

woke up to find dh playing with me

122 replies

overreaction · 28/05/2013 10:51

I have name changed for this. It may be normal for other couples but its not for us & I need to work out if I overreacted. Woke up to find my legs spread apart & dh playing with my clit. He said he thought I was awake & I led him on. I said I thought what he was doing was weird as I was clearly asleep. He has tried this a couple of times before. He got in a mood & slept on the sofa. I dont want to lose our relationship but I feel slightly violated. What do I do? What do I say? Did I over react?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 29/05/2013 05:33

The point is wuldric the op isn't always up for it and has told him before that this is unacceptable.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 29/05/2013 05:59

Wuldric she's been sexually assaulted and you find that yummy? Words fail me. You need to seriously look at yourself and your sexual relationships.

saintmerryweather · 29/05/2013 06:46

he wasnt trying to wake you up op, he was using your body to get himself off and you are right to feel violated

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 29/05/2013 06:55

I've had said twice to me now:

Most men like their partner to be awake during sex so she be an active participant.

Lweji · 29/05/2013 06:58

You're not odd, Wuldric, but neither is the OP.
If you like it and your partner knows it, fine.
If you don't like it, and your partner knows it (even if he didn't, he should assume she doesn't until told otherwise), then not fine at all.

OrangeLily · 29/05/2013 07:06

Personally I think this kind of thing is OK if he has previous permission. I wouldn't mind this from my DH. I like being woken this way and trust him. He knows he had my permission. I would do similar things too. My DH does it for my pleasure firstly and no his.

However, the fact that he doesn't have your permission and that he sulked is totally wrong! Also, as a couple you don't seem to have any history of this type of sexual behaviour. Your body is not his to touch as he pleases. I'm glad he has started to see that he had been in the wrong here.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 07:10

wuldric, you don't normally come across as a spectacularly unhelpful poster or someone who posts irrelevant shit on a thread just for the giggles

take a look at yourself (and RTFT properly)

Vivacia · 29/05/2013 07:59

Wuldric, I don't think you and your partner are odd to have this understanding in your relationship. I think you're out of order posting your comment in this discussion because it implies that either you think the OP should consider a sexual assault "yummy" or you believe this discussion is an appropriate place to discuss your sex life.

Original poster
overreaction · 29/05/2013 09:10

If that had been the understanding between my dh & I that's fine. But it wasn't & he knows that.

OP posts:
GoingUpInTheWorld · 29/05/2013 09:33

I often wake dh up for sex, he often isnt aware until im climbng on top of him.

BUT he is fine with this, he likes it.

You on the other hand are not fine with it, your dh knows this, and still did it and then tried to deny it!!!

That tells me he knows he was out of order and was trying to not make a deal out of it.

I dont know what i would do in this situation to be honest.

YoniBottsBumgina · 29/05/2013 09:41

OP what do you hope to get out of a discussion? You say you now fear that he may have done this before, presumably when you didn't wake up :( I'm sorry to say I suspect this too especially with the middle of the night times. As I said earlier in the thread it's like he's actively avoiding seeking consent from you - either because he gets his rocks off knowing you're helpless and unable to have a say, or because he thinks what you don't know won't hurt you and it's too much hassle to ask when you're awake.

I'm not saying LTB right now, I'm just giving you a point of reference for your discussion. What do you hope to achieve by talking to him and is it realistic, given that he's already shown that either he doesn't think your consent matters if you're asleep, or he actually likes knowing that you're not consenting. Because he does know. But I wonder if he has managed to do thibgs before when you were asleep and is weighing up the risk of you waking up and getting angry with him vs being able to do what he likes uninterrupted :( one thingis for sure, he isn't thinking about the #1 thing which is whether you are happy with what's going on.

Original poster
overreaction · 29/05/2013 10:24

I don't know yoni. I guess I just wanted confirmation that I wasn't overreacting. Like people have said, some people like it, some don't. If he wasn't clear before he certainly is now. He knows he's ruined any trust I had in him.Sad

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 29/05/2013 12:15

Sorry, my post was unclear. I meant a discussion with him. He has broken your trust, so how can anything he says be meaningful?

littlemissgiggles79 · 29/05/2013 12:28

The thing that disturbs me most is his reaction. You don't like it but he only considered his feelings and sulked because you wouldn't do as he liked.

Tmi alert....one of my exes thought it really horny to give me oral and kiss me afterwards. I don't like it. he knew it. Same old thing: try kissing me after for me to avoid it and turn my head away. He threw strops and refused to continue. It's beggars belief any adult would act this way and it feels so awful to have someone treat you this way during something so intimate.

Original poster
overreaction · 29/05/2013 18:20

I wanted to know really what he thought of what he had done & if he was remorseful. We were getting on so well before this happened so it was a complete shock. I felt like we had gone years backwards. I haven't really seen him since. He slept on the sofa.

OP posts:
SexySmity · 29/05/2013 22:21

I'm going to go against the general leaning of the responses here, but it seems what started as a reasonable reaction to a situation that was clearly upsetting and for OP, has turned in to a bit of a crowd bashing with words such as "he has lied", sinister, contempt, horrific realisation, rapist etc..... these are all opinions OP - not fact!

Get keep things in context, OP, you are absolutely right to feel how you feel and you have expressed it here in no uncertain terms.

Ask yourself;
Has his reactions/actions shown that he truly understands, feels remorse and accepts why you feel how you feel.
Are you able to accept his apologies?
Are you able to move on from this, without the loss of trust tearing you apart?

Only you should answer this.

Original poster
overreaction · 29/05/2013 22:38

thanks Smity. I appreciate what you have said. He does genuinely seem remorseful & seems to have understood how upset I am.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 29/05/2013 23:38

Erm, touching someone intimately whilst they are unconscious and therefore incapable of consenting is sexual assault and that is a legal fact, not opinion, Smity. But, um, yeah, people thinking sexual assault is wrong is clearly the Op's problem here...

saintmerryweather · 30/05/2013 07:06

he doesnt sound remorseful in the bit where he said 'hes apologised and you should stop talking about it now', as long as youre ok with him doing it again thrn let this one slide. personally i wont ever be with anyone again where i feel unable to trust my partner in case he sexually assaults me

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 30/05/2013 07:17

Does he accept that he sexually assaulted you?

If he'd committed another crime against you, say stealing from your bank account or deliberately smashing your laptop, would he say that he'd apologised and you should stop talking about it after such a short period of time?

It sounds like he doesn't really understand the seriousness of what he did, even if he does accept that he shouldn't have done it.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 07:21

There are no "degrees" of remorse.

He is either remorseful, or he is not

Saying "sorry" does not cut it, neither does a hangdog face and making you a few cups of tea if he sees no problem with his behaviour in the first place

TheFallenNinja · 30/05/2013 07:22

Utterly, utterly, utterly wrong.

Words fail me.

MadameOvary · 30/05/2013 09:50

YY, saying that he's apologised and you should stop talking about it now is another massive red flag.
He can say anything he likes, it's his actions that paint the real picture.

Casmama · 30/05/2013 10:01

"Sexual misunderstanding", "laugh at it together" - have you read the thread Ginger?

Confused40 · 30/05/2013 10:35

OP I felt shivers down my spine reading this and your reactions to him. I was in a similar situation to you, and the situation got progressively worse. I won't go into details. My ex promised to change and just got worse and I ended the r/s. Worse was I was pregnant when he with him which didn't stop him. I'm about to give birth (2 days away) and doing it alone, and very happily too. Couldn't bear the thought of having a newborn and being frightened of his behaviour.

The best thing, in my humble opinion, but speaking from experience is to either leave the r/s, or take yourself for counselling.

Rape crisis offer counselling for free and also have a helpline. Please put yourself first, and if your partner respects you as he says he will give you the space and time to heal. Also couple counselling may help you.

He has abused you and your body and tried to blame you, as he can't and won't admit he has a problem.

Ultimately you are the one in the r/s OP and the decision has to yours. Thinking if you and sending you hugs SmileSmile

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