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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

269 replies

nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 20:30

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 21/05/2013 22:09

Sorry honey, he was planning to do it. His excuse makes no sense, it's just what he could come up with. Please don't believe him, I know you're in shock and you are in shock but he's majourly disrespecting you

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 22:23

Approachingdarkness your message/link made me die a little inside

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 22:23

The other implausible thing in this scenario is that the very first time he decided to enact this (all too realistic) fantasy, you happened to check his phone. Lucky those other inbox emails were deleted, eh?

If you start adding up the odds- the very small chance this was the first time he ever did this, plus the very small chance it was a fantasy, the very small chance that a fantasy would involve a very business-like description of services required plus the very small chance that his fantasy involved someone on a night he was free and at a conference, well it's an infinitesimally small chance he's not a complete liar, really.

I'm so sorry, I really feel for you especially if you are away. One good way to get to the bottom of this is to ask to see all the deleted emails to prove that it really was the first time and that this was just a fantasy. If he says you can't get them back, say that you could contact his work/they are probably still on the server/you think there are special programmes which can be used to retrieve lost data (this bit is made up by the way). His reaction to this plan will tell you all you need to know.

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 22:29

My OH is a computer programmer, I could get advice on accessing his email account if you needed it. Just because he has deleted the messages, doesnt mean they are permanently 'disappeared'. I would agree with Mumsy, and I think that if you stick to your guns and are adamant about wanting 'proof' one way or another, he may even relent and just tell you the truth. He cant spout any shit about the fact you want to see his emails, or about you 'not trusting him' anymore because he has given you massive reason to doubt him, so he should be able to either prove his innocence (in the loosest sense, I mean prove he hasnt done this before) or have the guts and respect for you enough to tell you the truth.

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 22:31

Can you tell when he is lying to you when he looks you straight in the eye? My OH is a terrible lier so I can- if so I would be demanding for details of his internet accounts and passwords, you can search his history and activity on any hooker websites. If his internet history has been deleted prior to the onset of this trip, red flag

Hunn1e · 21/05/2013 22:32

Not sure if its too late - I'm a UK lawyer.
What you should do really depends on where in the world you are. If you are in an Islamic country, be very, very careful before you do anything at all. Plan carefully and get back to the UK. Make sure you and your kids are safe. Perhaps go to the embassy. Are his parents there to keep an eye on you do you think? Sorry if this sounds alarming. You could try a firm of lawyers who are in Covent Garden, called FLIP, who specialise in this kind of thing.

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2013 22:39

Darkest I really don't think he was talking about that at all. He was justifying the comments on puntersnet.

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 22:39

Its an expat posting in europe. Been here 2 years and due to be here for another 3. Kids are not born here. Born in my home country and hold passports for mine and his (UK) country.

Hunn1e I think the OP is in Europe, see above (good advice by the way, I worry so much about my friends living out in Dubai etc in these situations). But- this may change things again, if they have been resident for a number of years, can she just get up and leave if it is covered by Hague convention? I would be very tempted to myself and see what he was going to do about it, just go home, but I think legal advice is always the best in these situations.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/05/2013 22:40

That's not actually what Approaching mentioned; those quotes were taken from Field Reports. Approaching was posting about the message board attached, where discussions take place, rather than blunt opinions being given.

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 22:42

Oh shit. Sorry. Just want to say that there is no excuse for the comments ive seen. No excuse at all Sad Angry

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 22:43

Sorry if i fucked up.

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2013 22:44

Oh it's not your fault. I had to read his message several times because I really couldn't believe the crassness of it.

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 22:48

I would advise OP not to click on Darkesteyes link unless she Really wants to upset herself regarding what her H may or may not have done. Not nice.

Quodlibet · 21/05/2013 22:56

There are always going to be many unanswered questions here. Did he send the email? Did he get a response? Did he actually make a booking? If you hadn't caught him would he have gone through with it?

To be blunt though, you can never know any of these for sure and you could go round and round them forever. All of them are dependant on the extent to which he decides to tell the truth or to lie right now - outside of your control. Will any of the answers you seek bring you peace of mind?

What you do know for sure is that he made a plan - acted out to a greater or lesser extent - to book and pay a woman for sex. In my mind that's all the information you need to base your decision on. Can you live with him after this?

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 22:58

I will ask MN to remove my post

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 23:00

Have now asked them to remove it.

CheerfulYank · 21/05/2013 23:00

God that's grim. :(

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 23:03
CheerfulYank · 21/05/2013 23:09

I'm leaving it up so DH and I can talk about it when he gets home...and what we can do so DS does not grow up to have those thoughts. What the hell is the matter with those men?

Sorry to hijack OP.

forgetmenots · 21/05/2013 23:09

Not your fault darkesteyes, it's an eyeopener certainly.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/05/2013 23:12

It's gone.

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 23:22

There is a thread about the project on the Feminism board.

Hunn1e · 22/05/2013 06:58

A relief to hear you are in Europe - the embassy might still be a good place to start - call them and get advice as to what would be legal.

I think you said one of your kids is 17 - where her she stays or goes is her choice. I think once you've made a decision she's old enough to be told why - her father is letting her down with this too. If he's done it before, think about the health issues and risks he's put you under - your daughter has the right to know that her mum is strong enough to say no to his crap and has the courage to tell her the truth - dont be a martyr and let the kids think you're leaving is a decision you made for your own reasons. If they choose to hate their dad as a result of what you tell them, don't encourage that, but it's not your fault, it's his.

Whether you'd be seen to be "abducting" children depends on their ages and the circumstances.

Chubfuddler · 22/05/2013 07:07

Good point hunnie, if the children are old enough to express a wish to go with the op I don't think she can be stopped.