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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

269 replies

nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 20:30

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

OP posts:
Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 13:44

he has never locked his phone or computer and its still now unlocked. I know that he could have secret accounts but the ones that I know about are accessible. I knew he used porn but he says I didn't know how much. He reckons now that he is getting his drinking under control that his use of porn has decreased massively too.

OP posts:
CashmereHoodlum · 21/05/2013 13:46

NGB999, this comes up time and time again on here. The man says he booked the prostitute as a fantasy. This is because you have concrete proof in the form of the emails. They will only admit to what you can prove.

He is minimising. That was the only lie that he could come up with. I know you don't want this to be true, but don't let him lull you into a false sense of security.

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/05/2013 13:47

I'm afraid this would signal the beginning of the end for me - whether I believed he was going to go through with it or not. (Of course he was)

He's a porn using near alcoholic who books hookers. That's who he is. Is he going to change that? Maybe. Lets hope so. Do you have to tolerate it? no.

forgetmenots · 21/05/2013 13:50

Tread very carefully indeed OP. I've never heard a cheat or liar who, when confronted, admits to the whole truth. And whether or not your DH is a cheat, he is a liar.

This rings loads of alarm bells for me I'm afraid - fantasy would be sex chat or browsing the webpage not making an enquiry. And they will travel out of town.

ProphetOfDoom · 21/05/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 21/05/2013 13:51

"The only concrete thing that supports what he is saying is that on the night he booked it for he is in a rural conference centre far from the city."

All that proves is that he had no intention of going to the conference, or was planning to show face and then fuck off to the city to his hooker.

Do you believe this was going to be his first time?!

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 13:53

She was a porn star travelling through a major centre a few hundred miles from where he is staying. Guess its still possible though.

OP posts:
Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 13:55

I know he is going to the conference as he is part of a committee but it wouldn't stop him leaving it at some stage thats true.

No, never thought he would do something like this. For all his faults he has always been very loyal and honest. Thought his problem was just with depression and (lately) drinking.

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 21/05/2013 13:57

Is all the money from his wages going directly to the family account? Any chance of another account (one in the UK for example) that he could use?

As for the 'rural' location. When you look at the email, any chance that you noticed where/which town she is working from? Because if the hotel/name of town was mentioned and clear, then you have your answer. Being rural is NOT a reason for not finding a prostitute.

CashmereHoodlum · 21/05/2013 13:58

OP have you booked STI tests yet? Porn star = unprotected sex.

LadyInDisguise · 21/05/2013 13:58

sorry xpost

Fairyegg · 21/05/2013 14:02

It sounds like you Want to believe him and make your marriage work. I also don't think he's telling you The whole truth but if you want to make it work you need to Have a proper talk with him, not just email each other. Personally I would leave the pils to babysit and go out to talk tonight. Then go away for the weekend by yourself or with your dc to consider your options.

CashmereHoodlum · 21/05/2013 14:03

Is he genuinely suffering from depression? Depression is another thing that tends to come up on threads like these.

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 14:03

I have attended loads of conferences where some men don't show up at all for the two/three days. The worst was when their wives would ring and insist they leave a message for them as they were definitely there, when they hadn't even registered and picked up their name badge.

Why would he book a porn star for two hours on a Wed night he was away unless he intended to use that slot (oh dear) for something? Clearly that time being one in which he was free was important to him, otherwise why not book this fantasy for any old time if it wasn't going to come true and he just got off on the email correspondence ( how unlikely is that?)

Your call, but this is awful you poor love.

Wahla · 21/05/2013 14:04

Ask yourself this, for £800 for a couple of hours work would you be willing to drive/take a taxi/get a lift to a hotel that's a bit out of the way? He's bullshitting you my love.

Take your time and decide what you can live with and then make a decision.

AThingInYourLife · 21/05/2013 14:04

Was it part of the fantasy that he booked the hooker on a weekend he was away from home and could easily use her without you knowing?

Or is it just a massive coincidence he made the booking for that weekend, and he might just as easily have made it for a weekend he was at home?

You see if he never had any intention of actually going through with it, it does seem a curious choice of timing for the booking.

AThingInYourLife · 21/05/2013 14:06

X-post Mumsy

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 14:08

The other classic which is now becoming very familiar to me in this scenario, when confronted, the husband suddenly discovers they have a medical disorder (alcoholism, sex addiction, porn addiction, depression). Now of course these things might go along with self-destructive behaviour and it sounds like he has been drinking too much, but it's such a co-incidence that now is the time they suddenly decide that it's really important to get treatment, and not any time previously when their poor wives have been getting on with looking after the family and trying to keep going in the face of really bad behaviour.

But- having said all that, you know your husband best and you know to what extent this is completely out of character and I simply don't know what I would do in this scenario, I just think I know.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/05/2013 14:09

Humm, tbh I don't see why a rural hotel would mean he can't get a prostitute? People travel for money, they always have done, always will do... In any profession. He was paying her alot of money as well, why wouldn't she travel to a really nice hotel for a lot of money?

I'm sorry, I don't get it. As credibly goes, it makes no sense.

If you want to carry on the relationship you have to look hard at his behaviour before this, and this incident, and at how he's responded to you - does he even care about you? Or is it all about him being discovered, his life maybe changing and him not liking that? I'd be very very wary.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 14:11

He said the website never replied. I am going to send the same email myself and see what happens.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 21/05/2013 14:13

Depression usually reduces sex drive . I have depression on and off and I don't really have a sex drive.

forgetmenots · 21/05/2013 14:14

^what AThing said ^

forgetmenots · 21/05/2013 14:15

(And mumsy)

CashmereHoodlum · 21/05/2013 14:15

The other classic which is now becoming very familiar to me in this scenario, when confronted, the husband suddenly discovers they have a medical disorder (alcoholism, sex addiction, porn addiction, depression). Now of course these things might go along with self-destructive behaviour and it sounds like he has been drinking too much, but it's such a co-incidence that now is the time they suddenly decide that it's really important to get treatment, and not any time previously when their poor wives have been getting on with looking after the family and trying to keep going in the face of really bad behaviour.

This, exactly.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 14:16

he has been under medication for depression or the last 3months and has had it before. He was actually having suicidal thoughts this time. I've known for sure about the alcohol problem for a month or 2 (guessed it earlier). He had fessed up to me of his own accord that he was drinking in secret, and at work and has now given up drinking.

OP posts:
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